Monday, December 26, 2011

Here Comes 2012!

Last year, I never posted a "Here Comes 2011" article because I wasn't in the mood to post it. Unlike others, this one was very depressing. I said that there would be a nuclear disaster, uprisings around the globe and Osama bin Laden would die. No kidding, that was the actual article and I simply did not find it humorous enough so I ditched it. In hindsight, however, it probably would have been wise to have posted it and gone on to boast psychic powers.


However, it is clear that 2012 will not be like any other year. The Mayans said so, and you know, they're Mayan, so it must be true! So, I'm gonna tell you what we can expect in 2012. The future is here, but are YOU read? Let's see!


In 2012...


The world will end on December 21.


UFOs will land all over the globe and evacuate humans they deem useful.


Tidal waves will wipe out all coastal cities.


The Rapture will, once again, finally occur after the two false starts in 2011.


Xenu will declare war on Earth.


The world will end on December 21.


The Tea Party will gain supreme power and change the flag to either a swastika or a Confederate battle flag.


Zombies will go out of style.


There will be a mass suicide of geeks as World of Warcraft becomes inaccessible for over two weeks in July.


Our Tea Party overlords will demand we all tattoo our gentiles with a detailed image of bald eagles crapping on brown people.


I will find a penny.


The world will end on December 21.


The Earth will explode. On December 21.

1 comment:

Rocky2 said...

[Yo, Krowness. Saw this exposure of the rapture on the net. You like?]

PRETRIB RAPTURE POLITICS

Many are still unaware of the eccentric, 182-year-old British theory underlying the politics of American evangelicals and Christian Zionists.
Journalist and historian Dave MacPherson has spent more than 40 years focusing on the origin and spread of what is known as the apocalyptic "pretribulation rapture" - the inspiration behind Hal Lindsey's bestsellers of the 1970s and Tim LaHaye's today.
Although promoters of this endtime evacuation from earth constantly repeat their slogan that "it's imminent and always has been" (which critics view more as a sales pitch than a scriptural statement), it was unknown in all official theology and organized religion before 1830.
And MacPherson's research also reveals how hostile the pretrib rapture view has been to other faiths:
It is anti-Islam. TV preacher John Hagee has been advocating "a pre-emptive military strike against Iran." (Google "Roots of Warlike Christian Zionism.")
It is anti-Jewish. MacPherson's book "The Rapture Plot" (see Armageddon Books etc.) exposes hypocritical anti-Jewishness in even the theory's foundation.
It is anti-Catholic. Lindsey and C. I. Scofield are two of many leaders who claim that the final Antichrist will be a Roman Catholic. (Google "Pretrib Hypocrisy.")
It is anti-Protestant. For this reason no major Protestant denomination has ever adopted this escapist view.
It even has some anti-evangelical aspects. The first publication promoting this novel endtime view spoke degradingly of "the name by which the mixed multitude of modern Moabites love to be distinguished, - the Evangelical World." (MacPherson's "Plot," p. 85)
Despite the above, MacPherson proves that the "glue" that holds constantly in-fighting evangelicals together long enough to be victorious voting blocs in elections is the same "fly away" view. He notes that Jerry Falwell, when giving political speeches just before an election, would unfailingly state: "We believe in the pretribulational rapture!"
In addition to "The Rapture Plot" (available also at any library through inter-library loan), MacPherson's many internet articles include "Famous Rapture Watchers," "Pretrib Rapture Diehards," "Edward Irving is Unnerving," "America's Pretrib Rapture Traffickers," "Thomas Ice (Bloopers)," "Pretrib Rapture Secrecy" and "Pretrib Rapture Dishonesty" (massive plagiarism, phony doctorates, changing of early "rapture" documents in order to falsely credit John Darby with this view, etc.!).
Because of his devastating discoveries, MacPherson is now No. 1 on the "hate" list of pretrib rapture leaders who love to ban or muddy up his uber-accurate findings in sources like Wikipedia - which they've almost turned into Wicked-pedia!
There's no question that the leading promoters of this bizarre 19th century end-of-the-world doctrine are solidly pro-Israel and necessarily anti-Palestinian. In light of recently uncovered facts about this fringe-British-invented belief which has always been riddled with dishonesty, many are wondering why it should ever have any influence on Middle East affairs.
This Johnny-come-lately view raises millions of dollars for political agendas. Only when scholars of all faiths begin to look deeply at it and widely air its "dirty linen" will it cease to be a power. It is the one theological view no one needs!
With apologies to Winston Churchill - never has so much deception been foisted on so many by so few!