Monday, December 26, 2011

Here Comes 2012!

Last year, I never posted a "Here Comes 2011" article because I wasn't in the mood to post it. Unlike others, this one was very depressing. I said that there would be a nuclear disaster, uprisings around the globe and Osama bin Laden would die. No kidding, that was the actual article and I simply did not find it humorous enough so I ditched it. In hindsight, however, it probably would have been wise to have posted it and gone on to boast psychic powers.

However, it is clear that 2012 will not be like any other year. The Mayans said so, and you know, they're Mayan, so it must be true! So, I'm gonna tell you what we can expect in 2012. The future is here, but are YOU read? Let's see!

In 2012...

The world will end on December 21.

UFOs will land all over the globe and evacuate humans they deem useful.

Tidal waves will wipe out all coastal cities.

The Rapture will, once again, finally occur after the two false starts in 2011.

Xenu will declare war on Earth.

The world will end on December 21.

The Tea Party will gain supreme power and change the flag to either a swastika or a Confederate battle flag.

Zombies will go out of style.

There will be a mass suicide of geeks as World of Warcraft becomes inaccessible for over two weeks in July.

Our Tea Party overlords will demand we all tattoo our gentiles with a detailed image of bald eagles crapping on brown people.

I will find a penny.

The world will end on December 21.

The Earth will explode. On December 21.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Santa Isn't Real? Burn The Heretic!

One of the greatest joys of being a child is the Christmas season. There's great anticipation, fun and joy all around as each day slowly inches by to the great day of days. It's absolutely sickening!

Kids are all over the malls crying and whining about what they want and when they want it (now) and generally have no sense of gratitude or selflessness. Not that I'm advocating making Jesus the reason for the season. Not at all. Jesus has nothing to do with Christmas, as I've said before, and the holiday is all about the winter solstice. But again, I'm not going to spend an article parroting back facts about a wonderful holiday butchered by Christians and then further ruined by commercialism.

Parents are doing everything they can to give their children a wonderful holiday despite the risk of job loss and low wages. Yet kids will always want that one incredible, awesome and ultra expensive toy that is just downright impossible for parents on a budget to afford. So, where do they turn? Santa of course! But there's only one catch: he's not real.

Kids need to know this for one reason: so they can understand the sacrifices their parents and loved ones make to give them some form of happiness. If they knew Santa was a myth, maybe they wouldn't be so greedy. Maybe they'd appreciate the things they have and realize that love and friendship mean more than a piece of plastic pained with lead from China. Hell, you can even watch The Grinch and get this whole moral!

So, when a news anchor told the audience that Santa was fake, what do you think happened? Why, parents became outraged of course! Rather than be relieved knowing that they could speak to their kids honestly and let them know that with hard times comes a tighter wallet, thereby benefiting the family, they went apeshit and demanded an apology.

Now here's the thing I never got, even when I was a kid and found out the truth about St. Nick: you're still getting presents, so what the hell is the big deal? Just because a magic fatass isn't the one leaving them for you shouldn't change a thing! For me, it wasn't even a big deal! When I was in grade school, I was tormented constantly by some of the worst bullies you can imagine. They all got a ton of great toys and games for Christmas. That right there made me doubt the whole thing because no one deserved a lump of coal more than Nathan McTitballs, yet he'd repeatedly receive a new autographed baseball bat, Transformer toy or SNES system. Gods, I hate you McTitballs.

And always remember, Santa hates the poor more than Newt Gingrich. He's the original Neo-Conservative, what with his outsourcing, lack of workplace safety regulations, disregard for unions and of course all the free child/elfin labor. God Bless Santa.