Friday, October 28, 2011

No Halloween This Year!

Yup, that's right. There will be no Halloween celebrations in my town this year. Due to the rain we had, the lame downtown safe Halloween was postponed, but that won't do any good. Even if Monday was still the usual holiday, we're getting a mother fucking blizzard tomorrow. Yes, one foot of snow is expected, completely stopping any and all Halloween parties, trick-or-treating and what not for the entire holiday. Even if you could go out for candy, who is going to trudge through a foot of snow in a costume to do so? Especially when they don't plow the side streets or sidewalks here.

And just for fun, it'll be in the 60s all next week so it'll be like nothing happened. After Halloween that is.

Well, not much we can do now. It's too early for Christmas massacre movies like Santa's Slay and who feels like a horror fest when it looks like December outside. I hate New England. This place can suck my cock.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Vintage Halloween!

Forty years ago, things were a lot simpler. You could go out trick-or-treating when you wanted to and go home when you got tired or had pillaged every last piece of candy the town had to offer, you could wear a bloody costume to school and not get suspended for making threats, and the most you had to fear was a cache of razors hidden in your sweets. Even in the 80s and 90s when I was a kid, it was so much more fun. We'd start an hour before sunset and wouldn't stop until our pillow cases were overflowing!

Today, my town doesn't even allow trick-or-treating except for a small two hour slot that barely gives you enough time to finish off a single neighborhood. If you get caught past this time, you are arrested. Yes, I said arrested. My hometown arrests children on Halloween if they are not back indoors by 9:00. This year, I heard they won't allow it at all, and as a result, they have made a cheesy event downtown where kids can go. Except that the day it's to be held it's going to rain big time.

Coming from a New England town with no ultra-dipshit religitards running the show, this is just a sad abomination. What's next? Christmas presents are limited to one per child and they can only be opened at times dictated by the town manager? Bullshit I say! Let kids be kids for a goddamn change! They have enough to worry about: school shootings, cyberbullies, the creepy old nun who teaches them geometry and can't remember their name, and many other horrors.

Even costumes today are getting shittier and shittier. But I can see why. We used to put so much effort into our costumes so they could endure hours of trick-or-treating and still scare the crap out of the smaller kids and elderly alike. Today, with little to no trick-or-treating at all, a flimsy plastic costume that won't fall apart in the rain is more than enough. Most kids don't attend parties, and if they do, they usually end up getting tired of wearing the costume and ditch it so they can dance to Justin Beiber more easily. Sigh.

That is why this vintage 70s commercial for Magic Manor in Rockford, Illinois touched me. It recalls a time when Halloween was more exciting than four birthdays and two Christmases put together. A time when costumes could be realistic and frightening and not get you taken to prison for "terrorizing citizens and being a disruptive person".

Monday, October 17, 2011

Sting Of Death!

What can I say about "Sting Of Death"? This is one of those bad movies that you see inside of a cartoon making fun of bad movies. It is so unbelievable that after viewing, you are likely to go to bed, wake up the next morning and assume the entire thing was a dream. Well, it's not.

Our story begins with a girl sunbathing at the docks. Over the radio, we hear about some fisherman who have gone missing in the Gulf of Mexico and all the while, we are treated to shots of a scuba diver wrapped in tenticles. No, this is not a victim of some dream snatching, child burning monster, it IS the monster. Needless to say, the bimbo at the dock is dragged into the water and is never seen again. All the while, our only glimpse of this creature is two very human legs, a wet suit, flippers and rubber tentacles.

Now that the bullshit is out of the way, we can get into the plot. Just kidding. We shift our focus to Dr. Richardson, his daughter Karen and his assistant John Hoyt. They live on an  island near the Florida Everglades in a mansion so Dr. Richardson can pursue his passion of studying jellyfish. He and John are aided in this by a strange, deformed man named Egon. While this all sounds retarded, it is, sadly, the actual plot.

You see, Karen has some of her friends over for what I can only imagine is to show them how privileged and lavish her life is before they go back to protesting on Wall Street for jobs. John, spending his days and nights with no company other than invertebrates, seems very eager to have additional girls at the manor, and to make the occasion even bigger, he has invited some friends from the university over to party while Dr. Richardson goes out to the swamp for specimens.

The whole while they are asking where a girl named Ruth has gone. Apparently, this is the girl who was taken away in the first scene of the movie, but rather than pursue the device we were given right at the beginning, all inquiries about Ruth soon vanish as quickly as she did.

Before the party begins, the sheriff calls Dr. Richardson to his boat to look at the body of one of the missing fisherman that was discovered. All signs point to a giant jellyfish being responsible. The doctor and John laugh this off but Egon insists that a giant man-of-war is possible and is more than likely responsible for killing the fishermen.

So, we have a guy with an uncommon name, a creepy love of jellyfish and will not back down on some pretty bizarre and unproved claims. I'm sure you can put the pieces together.

Anyway, the party starts and all the drunken college kids immediately start dancing at the wharf to Neil Sedaka. While doing this, we get to see many shots of rubbery asses in bikinis that will turn the most macho of men gay in seconds. Once the music dies down they all form a conga line and head to the pool. Why they didn't head right to the pool where the booze and food was, we will never know. All we know for sure is that poor Egon has arrived at the worst possible time. All of the kids immeditely go after him, pushing him to the cement and calling him a freak. Karen and John try their best to uphold sanity, but to no avail. Egon dashes away and the party continues, the kids soaking up their petty victory like a high school jock.

Now the fun begins! We get to hear even more Neil Sedaka and see even more flabby asses. And what jellyfish movie is complete without the entire recording of "Do the Jellyfish"? But, something is approaching... As a treat, I've included this whole scene:

Yes, they play the entire goddamn song.

The girl at the end of the clip decides to go for a swim. Unfortunately for her, the monster is waiting! How could you not see a guy hiding in the bottom of a pool? Let this be a lesson; always use chlorine! The girl is attacked and goes unnoticed until she's seen floating around the surface. Not that she screamed a lot or anything. Maybe Sedaka is just that hypnotic.

Who can possibly resist?

Upon seeing the victim, Dr. Richardson and John rush to help her just as the jellyfish man emerges and smacks the shit out of a frat boy. Both are poisoned, but only the girl is taken into the house for treatment. The guy is taken to his party boat while the kids try to escape, leaving Karen and her girlfriends behind. But just before the monster left, he made sure to punch a hole in the boat. Uh oh.

The gal is quickly stabilized but the guy, who's injuries mysteriously disappear, reappear and disappear again more than Lando's glove, is in the deep stuff. It is clear from the way he is writhing in pain that he will not make it. Or he's just a bad actor. Regardless, the entire boat is suddenly attacked by hoards of jellyfish that look like a bunch of condoms glued together:

The rest of the movie goes as expected. The radio is taken out, the girls are picked off one by one and finally Egon reveals himself to Karen as being the monster. Why did he murder everyone close to her? Because he's in love! Aww. The only problem was Karen's friends. They didn't like Egon because of his disfigurement so they had to be removed so they could live a happy life.

Since Karen is a seemingly smart girl, she resists the urges of Egon and tries to escape. True love prevails, however, and she is safely kidnapped into the swamp. John and Dr. Richardson soon realize what is happening despite a complete lack of dialogue and chase Egon into the Everglades on airboats.

Karen is taken into Egon's secret laboratory where he reveals his experiment by transforming into a giant man-of-war. Despite the entrance to this lab being hidden underwater, John quickly finds it, scares Egon with a flare and whisks Karen away so he may marry her. The lab blows up and Egon is dead. The movie ends just like that.

While not the worst movie ever made, this one definitely gets first prize for worst monster costume. I'll just let another scene from the movie do the talking:

For those of you wondering why I didn't provide a better insight into the other characters like names and all that, it's because they all look freaking alike and most of the names were dropped once or not at all. It's that horribly written.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

The Greatest Halloween Carol!

Christmas has all the luck. Plenty of candy AND presents, decorations all over creation, colorful lights and some of the greatest (and worst) music to ever be recorded. I'm sure you know where I'm going with this. That link should make this a given. If not, then kindly go run around the woods until Jason gets you.

Halloween has hardly any great, or well known carols. Most of them are just new words to Christmas songs and others, like Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor, have nothing to do with Halloween (or Dracula) at all. What's left is a bunch of anal fudge with razor blades delicately hidden inside. I don't need to detail the horrors of "The Monster Mash" or "Purple People Eater". We all know how suckish these songs are, but still like to play them to annoy our friends, especially when out driving. I promise I'll stop doing that. Really.

But there is one Halloween song so bad, it can put even The Elm Street Group's cover of "Do The Freddie" to shame. Like many bad horror films, this is one of those "so bad, it's good" affairs. At this point, it should be fairly obvious who the creator of this mystery song is. So, ladies and gentleman, I present a person who needs no introduction. And for that matter, no real costume to go along with the season either. Please welcome...

Jan Terri!

Yes, Jan Terri made a Halloween song. For those of you who remember my Christmas article, or who have just read it through the above link, I mentioned some of the other songs and related videos she has produced and how one of them involved dancing goblins. Well, this is that song.

"Get Down Goblin" is to music videos what "Plan 9 From Outer Space" is to cinema. It begins with a cliched shot of a haunted castle and the organ opening of, yes, Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor.

And we are treated to watching the backup singers walking around as transparent ghosts. Because, fuck you, it's scary goddamn it!

What nightmares are made of.

The doors... close on us, okay, that's weird, but this IS a haunted castle, maybe its from the perspective of the ghouls. Anyway, they reveal...


Now, the organ toccata ends and we are greeted by the aural assault of the whitest funk ever put to tape. Seriously, this is what Wonderbread sounds like when you hold it to your ear.

Jan Terri herself then emerges from the crypt to join in the fun.  Finally, at 48 seconds into this song, there are other words besides "get down goblin" added to the song! A true Halloween miracle! Rest assured these lyrics are in classic Jan Terri style. And by that I mean it sounds like it was sung by a female Elmer Fudd. While we get to hear about all the kids getting dressed up, we see the background singers also emerging from the crypt, over and over again.

It's a clown coffin!

And we are treated to some inspiring choreography.

Left, right, left, right... She's swaying more than Stevie Wonder! It should be no surprise that this is the same dance she used in "Rock and Roll Santa". And "Losing You". And "Journey to Mars." We sadly give all the credit to Broadway.

"Thriller" has nothing on this.

Once we hit the bridge, we are treated to some footage "borrowed" from old movies. Although, most of those B-movies are in public domain so that really doesn't matter.

Yes, this is still "Get Down Goblin". We didn't change the channel. We swear.

Then comes the great organ solo. All those great electric organ solos had heavy percussion and effects and this tune is no different. Except instead of seeing an organ solo, we see Jan slapping the bass, despite that there is no slap bass at all during this part.

How can it possibly get scarier? Have girls walking around with candles, that's how!

A flammable hairdo, dusty old house and an open flame IS pretty scary though.

Then she sings about how the Adams Family and Munsters will be there, at what I can only assume is a real kick as monster mash. It's hard to tell, since it sounds she's singing with a mouth full of spaghetti most of the time. We're just halfway through this song and the only thing I know for sure is that some goblin has to get his shit together right now and get the fuck down!

We go back to the dungeon to see Jan dancing in her signature style, but for some reason they thought it would be cool and or clever to make it really blurry.

LSD is awesome!

This is my favorite part now! Jan is sitting at the piano and out comes the Bach Toccata on pipe organ! No one will ever know the difference.

And then comes even more "get down goblin"s. Seriously, just dance already! It's okay to be shy, but no one will judge you. I can't dance either. We also get to see lots and lots of shots of stairs. Because, what could be more frightening?

Sending shivers through the spines of the elderly and the morbidly obese.

And here comes the band!

And what great horror video would be complete without a walk through the cemetery? We even get to see them all fade into ghosts!

Pictured: Your future. And Jan Terri's music career.

The credits roll and we get to hear the chorus over, and over and over as they do.

This is great and all, but you have to actually see and hear the whole thing in context to believe it. That is why, as a special treat, I have included the video! Michael Jackson wishes he could have done this.