Monday, December 26, 2011

Here Comes 2012!

Last year, I never posted a "Here Comes 2011" article because I wasn't in the mood to post it. Unlike others, this one was very depressing. I said that there would be a nuclear disaster, uprisings around the globe and Osama bin Laden would die. No kidding, that was the actual article and I simply did not find it humorous enough so I ditched it. In hindsight, however, it probably would have been wise to have posted it and gone on to boast psychic powers.

However, it is clear that 2012 will not be like any other year. The Mayans said so, and you know, they're Mayan, so it must be true! So, I'm gonna tell you what we can expect in 2012. The future is here, but are YOU read? Let's see!

In 2012...

The world will end on December 21.

UFOs will land all over the globe and evacuate humans they deem useful.

Tidal waves will wipe out all coastal cities.

The Rapture will, once again, finally occur after the two false starts in 2011.

Xenu will declare war on Earth.

The world will end on December 21.

The Tea Party will gain supreme power and change the flag to either a swastika or a Confederate battle flag.

Zombies will go out of style.

There will be a mass suicide of geeks as World of Warcraft becomes inaccessible for over two weeks in July.

Our Tea Party overlords will demand we all tattoo our gentiles with a detailed image of bald eagles crapping on brown people.

I will find a penny.

The world will end on December 21.

The Earth will explode. On December 21.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Santa Isn't Real? Burn The Heretic!

One of the greatest joys of being a child is the Christmas season. There's great anticipation, fun and joy all around as each day slowly inches by to the great day of days. It's absolutely sickening!

Kids are all over the malls crying and whining about what they want and when they want it (now) and generally have no sense of gratitude or selflessness. Not that I'm advocating making Jesus the reason for the season. Not at all. Jesus has nothing to do with Christmas, as I've said before, and the holiday is all about the winter solstice. But again, I'm not going to spend an article parroting back facts about a wonderful holiday butchered by Christians and then further ruined by commercialism.

Parents are doing everything they can to give their children a wonderful holiday despite the risk of job loss and low wages. Yet kids will always want that one incredible, awesome and ultra expensive toy that is just downright impossible for parents on a budget to afford. So, where do they turn? Santa of course! But there's only one catch: he's not real.

Kids need to know this for one reason: so they can understand the sacrifices their parents and loved ones make to give them some form of happiness. If they knew Santa was a myth, maybe they wouldn't be so greedy. Maybe they'd appreciate the things they have and realize that love and friendship mean more than a piece of plastic pained with lead from China. Hell, you can even watch The Grinch and get this whole moral!

So, when a news anchor told the audience that Santa was fake, what do you think happened? Why, parents became outraged of course! Rather than be relieved knowing that they could speak to their kids honestly and let them know that with hard times comes a tighter wallet, thereby benefiting the family, they went apeshit and demanded an apology.

Now here's the thing I never got, even when I was a kid and found out the truth about St. Nick: you're still getting presents, so what the hell is the big deal? Just because a magic fatass isn't the one leaving them for you shouldn't change a thing! For me, it wasn't even a big deal! When I was in grade school, I was tormented constantly by some of the worst bullies you can imagine. They all got a ton of great toys and games for Christmas. That right there made me doubt the whole thing because no one deserved a lump of coal more than Nathan McTitballs, yet he'd repeatedly receive a new autographed baseball bat, Transformer toy or SNES system. Gods, I hate you McTitballs.

And always remember, Santa hates the poor more than Newt Gingrich. He's the original Neo-Conservative, what with his outsourcing, lack of workplace safety regulations, disregard for unions and of course all the free child/elfin labor. God Bless Santa.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Announcing Krowness Radio!

I have thrown ideas out there in announcements before that never came to fruition due to lack of time, lack of participants and other issues. Web comics and additional writers for more specialized areas (such as detailed game and movie reviews) are just some of the great ideas that miscarried. However, this is not one of them!

Starting in early 2012, by February at the latest, I will begin hosting a Krowness Podcast. Now, like blogs, I absolutely hate the word "podcast" as it has Apple's shit all over it, and the majority out there are a bunch of whiny high school kids who bitch about not making the football team or how awesome their new Pokemon is. Please.

This is going to be a REAL show. No whining, no tears, no bullshit (unless of course I make some hate mail authors cry a little). I am in the process of preparing material, finding sponsors and potentially allowing the sale of the recordings through audio sites.

I have all the audio and video equipment needed (except a more powerful, higher quality camcorder, but I will have that soon enough), so at this time, I am simply getting ready to put this into action. Updates on this will be frequent as we get ready to launch!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Herman Cain: Portrait of a Douchebag

Oh, the things I could say about this self-absorbed, hate filled, sack of shit. But I don't really need to. He's done all the talking for me! It seems that the only thing the GOP candidates are capable of doing lately is enjoying the taste of their own foot. There is not one redeeming feature in any of them. I would rather vote for a stump than any one of these living cartoons.

When it comes to Cain, I can honestly say he frightens me more than Bachman. And no, it's not because he's a black conservative as the frigid cunt Ann Coulter would say. It is simply because he is a real world Ebenezer Scrooge with the inner evil of Walt Disney. Oh, and he's a sexually offensive misogynist.

Now, anyone who's read my articles knows I have a strong stand against people like this. Cain is no exception and deserves all the shame that comes with such actions. It's the very least such a scumbag can do.

This is the second time I've used this train wreck picture.

Friday, October 28, 2011

No Halloween This Year!

Yup, that's right. There will be no Halloween celebrations in my town this year. Due to the rain we had, the lame downtown safe Halloween was postponed, but that won't do any good. Even if Monday was still the usual holiday, we're getting a mother fucking blizzard tomorrow. Yes, one foot of snow is expected, completely stopping any and all Halloween parties, trick-or-treating and what not for the entire holiday. Even if you could go out for candy, who is going to trudge through a foot of snow in a costume to do so? Especially when they don't plow the side streets or sidewalks here.

And just for fun, it'll be in the 60s all next week so it'll be like nothing happened. After Halloween that is.

Well, not much we can do now. It's too early for Christmas massacre movies like Santa's Slay and who feels like a horror fest when it looks like December outside. I hate New England. This place can suck my cock.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Vintage Halloween!

Forty years ago, things were a lot simpler. You could go out trick-or-treating when you wanted to and go home when you got tired or had pillaged every last piece of candy the town had to offer, you could wear a bloody costume to school and not get suspended for making threats, and the most you had to fear was a cache of razors hidden in your sweets. Even in the 80s and 90s when I was a kid, it was so much more fun. We'd start an hour before sunset and wouldn't stop until our pillow cases were overflowing!

Today, my town doesn't even allow trick-or-treating except for a small two hour slot that barely gives you enough time to finish off a single neighborhood. If you get caught past this time, you are arrested. Yes, I said arrested. My hometown arrests children on Halloween if they are not back indoors by 9:00. This year, I heard they won't allow it at all, and as a result, they have made a cheesy event downtown where kids can go. Except that the day it's to be held it's going to rain big time.

Coming from a New England town with no ultra-dipshit religitards running the show, this is just a sad abomination. What's next? Christmas presents are limited to one per child and they can only be opened at times dictated by the town manager? Bullshit I say! Let kids be kids for a goddamn change! They have enough to worry about: school shootings, cyberbullies, the creepy old nun who teaches them geometry and can't remember their name, and many other horrors.

Even costumes today are getting shittier and shittier. But I can see why. We used to put so much effort into our costumes so they could endure hours of trick-or-treating and still scare the crap out of the smaller kids and elderly alike. Today, with little to no trick-or-treating at all, a flimsy plastic costume that won't fall apart in the rain is more than enough. Most kids don't attend parties, and if they do, they usually end up getting tired of wearing the costume and ditch it so they can dance to Justin Beiber more easily. Sigh.

That is why this vintage 70s commercial for Magic Manor in Rockford, Illinois touched me. It recalls a time when Halloween was more exciting than four birthdays and two Christmases put together. A time when costumes could be realistic and frightening and not get you taken to prison for "terrorizing citizens and being a disruptive person".

Monday, October 17, 2011

Sting Of Death!

What can I say about "Sting Of Death"? This is one of those bad movies that you see inside of a cartoon making fun of bad movies. It is so unbelievable that after viewing, you are likely to go to bed, wake up the next morning and assume the entire thing was a dream. Well, it's not.

Our story begins with a girl sunbathing at the docks. Over the radio, we hear about some fisherman who have gone missing in the Gulf of Mexico and all the while, we are treated to shots of a scuba diver wrapped in tenticles. No, this is not a victim of some dream snatching, child burning monster, it IS the monster. Needless to say, the bimbo at the dock is dragged into the water and is never seen again. All the while, our only glimpse of this creature is two very human legs, a wet suit, flippers and rubber tentacles.

Now that the bullshit is out of the way, we can get into the plot. Just kidding. We shift our focus to Dr. Richardson, his daughter Karen and his assistant John Hoyt. They live on an  island near the Florida Everglades in a mansion so Dr. Richardson can pursue his passion of studying jellyfish. He and John are aided in this by a strange, deformed man named Egon. While this all sounds retarded, it is, sadly, the actual plot.

You see, Karen has some of her friends over for what I can only imagine is to show them how privileged and lavish her life is before they go back to protesting on Wall Street for jobs. John, spending his days and nights with no company other than invertebrates, seems very eager to have additional girls at the manor, and to make the occasion even bigger, he has invited some friends from the university over to party while Dr. Richardson goes out to the swamp for specimens.

The whole while they are asking where a girl named Ruth has gone. Apparently, this is the girl who was taken away in the first scene of the movie, but rather than pursue the device we were given right at the beginning, all inquiries about Ruth soon vanish as quickly as she did.

Before the party begins, the sheriff calls Dr. Richardson to his boat to look at the body of one of the missing fisherman that was discovered. All signs point to a giant jellyfish being responsible. The doctor and John laugh this off but Egon insists that a giant man-of-war is possible and is more than likely responsible for killing the fishermen.

So, we have a guy with an uncommon name, a creepy love of jellyfish and will not back down on some pretty bizarre and unproved claims. I'm sure you can put the pieces together.

Anyway, the party starts and all the drunken college kids immediately start dancing at the wharf to Neil Sedaka. While doing this, we get to see many shots of rubbery asses in bikinis that will turn the most macho of men gay in seconds. Once the music dies down they all form a conga line and head to the pool. Why they didn't head right to the pool where the booze and food was, we will never know. All we know for sure is that poor Egon has arrived at the worst possible time. All of the kids immeditely go after him, pushing him to the cement and calling him a freak. Karen and John try their best to uphold sanity, but to no avail. Egon dashes away and the party continues, the kids soaking up their petty victory like a high school jock.

Now the fun begins! We get to hear even more Neil Sedaka and see even more flabby asses. And what jellyfish movie is complete without the entire recording of "Do the Jellyfish"? But, something is approaching... As a treat, I've included this whole scene:

Yes, they play the entire goddamn song.

The girl at the end of the clip decides to go for a swim. Unfortunately for her, the monster is waiting! How could you not see a guy hiding in the bottom of a pool? Let this be a lesson; always use chlorine! The girl is attacked and goes unnoticed until she's seen floating around the surface. Not that she screamed a lot or anything. Maybe Sedaka is just that hypnotic.

Who can possibly resist?

Upon seeing the victim, Dr. Richardson and John rush to help her just as the jellyfish man emerges and smacks the shit out of a frat boy. Both are poisoned, but only the girl is taken into the house for treatment. The guy is taken to his party boat while the kids try to escape, leaving Karen and her girlfriends behind. But just before the monster left, he made sure to punch a hole in the boat. Uh oh.

The gal is quickly stabilized but the guy, who's injuries mysteriously disappear, reappear and disappear again more than Lando's glove, is in the deep stuff. It is clear from the way he is writhing in pain that he will not make it. Or he's just a bad actor. Regardless, the entire boat is suddenly attacked by hoards of jellyfish that look like a bunch of condoms glued together:

The rest of the movie goes as expected. The radio is taken out, the girls are picked off one by one and finally Egon reveals himself to Karen as being the monster. Why did he murder everyone close to her? Because he's in love! Aww. The only problem was Karen's friends. They didn't like Egon because of his disfigurement so they had to be removed so they could live a happy life.

Since Karen is a seemingly smart girl, she resists the urges of Egon and tries to escape. True love prevails, however, and she is safely kidnapped into the swamp. John and Dr. Richardson soon realize what is happening despite a complete lack of dialogue and chase Egon into the Everglades on airboats.

Karen is taken into Egon's secret laboratory where he reveals his experiment by transforming into a giant man-of-war. Despite the entrance to this lab being hidden underwater, John quickly finds it, scares Egon with a flare and whisks Karen away so he may marry her. The lab blows up and Egon is dead. The movie ends just like that.

While not the worst movie ever made, this one definitely gets first prize for worst monster costume. I'll just let another scene from the movie do the talking:

For those of you wondering why I didn't provide a better insight into the other characters like names and all that, it's because they all look freaking alike and most of the names were dropped once or not at all. It's that horribly written.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

The Greatest Halloween Carol!

Christmas has all the luck. Plenty of candy AND presents, decorations all over creation, colorful lights and some of the greatest (and worst) music to ever be recorded. I'm sure you know where I'm going with this. That link should make this a given. If not, then kindly go run around the woods until Jason gets you.

Halloween has hardly any great, or well known carols. Most of them are just new words to Christmas songs and others, like Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor, have nothing to do with Halloween (or Dracula) at all. What's left is a bunch of anal fudge with razor blades delicately hidden inside. I don't need to detail the horrors of "The Monster Mash" or "Purple People Eater". We all know how suckish these songs are, but still like to play them to annoy our friends, especially when out driving. I promise I'll stop doing that. Really.

But there is one Halloween song so bad, it can put even The Elm Street Group's cover of "Do The Freddie" to shame. Like many bad horror films, this is one of those "so bad, it's good" affairs. At this point, it should be fairly obvious who the creator of this mystery song is. So, ladies and gentleman, I present a person who needs no introduction. And for that matter, no real costume to go along with the season either. Please welcome...

Jan Terri!

Yes, Jan Terri made a Halloween song. For those of you who remember my Christmas article, or who have just read it through the above link, I mentioned some of the other songs and related videos she has produced and how one of them involved dancing goblins. Well, this is that song.

"Get Down Goblin" is to music videos what "Plan 9 From Outer Space" is to cinema. It begins with a cliched shot of a haunted castle and the organ opening of, yes, Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor.

And we are treated to watching the backup singers walking around as transparent ghosts. Because, fuck you, it's scary goddamn it!

What nightmares are made of.

The doors... close on us, okay, that's weird, but this IS a haunted castle, maybe its from the perspective of the ghouls. Anyway, they reveal...


Now, the organ toccata ends and we are greeted by the aural assault of the whitest funk ever put to tape. Seriously, this is what Wonderbread sounds like when you hold it to your ear.

Jan Terri herself then emerges from the crypt to join in the fun.  Finally, at 48 seconds into this song, there are other words besides "get down goblin" added to the song! A true Halloween miracle! Rest assured these lyrics are in classic Jan Terri style. And by that I mean it sounds like it was sung by a female Elmer Fudd. While we get to hear about all the kids getting dressed up, we see the background singers also emerging from the crypt, over and over again.

It's a clown coffin!

And we are treated to some inspiring choreography.

Left, right, left, right... She's swaying more than Stevie Wonder! It should be no surprise that this is the same dance she used in "Rock and Roll Santa". And "Losing You". And "Journey to Mars." We sadly give all the credit to Broadway.

"Thriller" has nothing on this.

Once we hit the bridge, we are treated to some footage "borrowed" from old movies. Although, most of those B-movies are in public domain so that really doesn't matter.

Yes, this is still "Get Down Goblin". We didn't change the channel. We swear.

Then comes the great organ solo. All those great electric organ solos had heavy percussion and effects and this tune is no different. Except instead of seeing an organ solo, we see Jan slapping the bass, despite that there is no slap bass at all during this part.

How can it possibly get scarier? Have girls walking around with candles, that's how!

A flammable hairdo, dusty old house and an open flame IS pretty scary though.

Then she sings about how the Adams Family and Munsters will be there, at what I can only assume is a real kick as monster mash. It's hard to tell, since it sounds she's singing with a mouth full of spaghetti most of the time. We're just halfway through this song and the only thing I know for sure is that some goblin has to get his shit together right now and get the fuck down!

We go back to the dungeon to see Jan dancing in her signature style, but for some reason they thought it would be cool and or clever to make it really blurry.

LSD is awesome!

This is my favorite part now! Jan is sitting at the piano and out comes the Bach Toccata on pipe organ! No one will ever know the difference.

And then comes even more "get down goblin"s. Seriously, just dance already! It's okay to be shy, but no one will judge you. I can't dance either. We also get to see lots and lots of shots of stairs. Because, what could be more frightening?

Sending shivers through the spines of the elderly and the morbidly obese.

And here comes the band!

And what great horror video would be complete without a walk through the cemetery? We even get to see them all fade into ghosts!

Pictured: Your future. And Jan Terri's music career.

The credits roll and we get to hear the chorus over, and over and over as they do.

This is great and all, but you have to actually see and hear the whole thing in context to believe it. That is why, as a special treat, I have included the video! Michael Jackson wishes he could have done this.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

A Super Spooky True Story Pt. 2!

I looked out the window and saw...

A chipmunk, desperately trying to beat and chew his way under the clapboards. I'll need to put up new siding. Hmm. Guess that wasn't so scary now, was it?

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

A Super Spooky True Story!

The other day I was at my grandmother's house, trying to get her 2 acre property ready for fall. It was the usual stuff: mowing the lawn with a pice of shit that fell apart as soon as I turned the key and trying to figure out why her air conditioning didn't work (which turned out to be bad wiring in the circuit breaker and a fire waiting to happen). Just the regular work day.

Well, I start wrapping it up and am heading to the bathroom when I hear very distinctive knocking coming from one of the bedrooms. I went in to investigate. At first I thought it was the blaring TV, or a trick of the ears. But sure as shit, something was knocking on the walls. And there was no one there. So there I am, standing in the middle of the room, surrounded by disembodied rapping. Before I ran out shouting "ghost, ghost!" I figured I'd better rule out any and all natural causes.

But nothing could prepare me for what I was about to encounter when I looked out the window...

To be continued...

Saturday, August 27, 2011

It's That Time of Year!

The kids are going back to school. The weather will be turning cooler. Soon the air will be filled with joyous carols, plenty of treats and a childlike sense of wonder. Yup, it's almost time for Halloween! Here at Krowness Chronicles, we're starting celebrations early this year. After all, a recent trip to the mall revealed that many stores have already begun to set up for Christmas! That will never do! How can we ignore the most important holiday of the year in exchange for one celebrating the birth of a man god who wasn't even born in December? Outrageous I say!

This year I have many plans to bring you the best Halloween experience yet! We'll be taking a look at proper costume safety, the best way to get your candy, how to carve an awesome pumpkin and of course, a hunt for this year's worst costume! Who will it be? We will soon find out! So get set, because Halloween starts now on Krowness Chronicles!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

A Message to Musician's Friend!

........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...') 
..........''...\.......... _.·´ 

I've been playing electric bass professionally now for nearly a decade, so I already have a pretty damn good rig. I have two 4-string basses (both custom made by Fender), one fretted, one fretless. A 5-string tuned with a high C (instead of a low B), and an acoustic/electric 4-string. However, when I was doing some recordings last year, I realized just how convenient the 5-string was. It's a Schecter and it has 24 frets, a huge cutaway for easy access to the upper register and a versatile tone that rivals Fender with the additional advantage of active pickups (which make a punchier sound). Hearing the results, and just the ease and versatility the instrument offers, I had to have a fretless version.

So, I traded in an electric upright bass I had had for 3 years to Musician's Friend. This thing was unplayable from day one thanks to a damaged fingerboard and an unmovable truss rod. The D and G strings never once could produce anything but buzzing no matter how many times it was repaired. Now, I had also purchased this instrument from the Friend, so I was wary, but I could get a lot more back by taking store credit than I could a check, so I took the credit to put towards my new fretless 5-string. This gave me over a 60% discount on a bass that normally went for $800. That is one great deal! Then Musician's Friend threw me to ground, pried open my mouth and took the greatest dump in recorded history right into it.

They flat out refused to ship my order. At first there was an honest reason. It was backordered for a few days. They guaranteed me it would ship March 5. No problem. That date rolls around, and they change it to March 21, again guaranteeing me a shipment. Then the date was changed to April 4, to March 21, then April 18, then May 4 then finally April 21.

I called to ask about this lunacy and why I was repeatedly told that my order was guaranteed to ship on one date, and have it changed the next. Their reasoning: trace amounts of radiation from the nuclear disaster in Japan was forcing all of their orders to stop for health reasons.

This is complete BS for two reasons. 1, the spike in background radiation detected from the meltdown was not enough to cause alarm in the US. 2, there was absolutely no freeze of shipping from the west coast as a result of this. This was flat out lie.

To add to it, I contacted Schecter directly, and they said that they had delivered all orders to Musician's Friend. IN THE FIRST WEEK OF MARCH! When I told Musician's Friend this, they claimed that no deliveries had been made by Schecter, that they were still awaiting a shipment and, once again, they tossed in the radiation fears. For good measure I'm sure. You know, just in case my bullshit detector was getting rusty.

I got fed up and contacted the BBB. They demanded that my order be shipped. Musician's Friend failed to respond until the last minute and very politely said "no". This waltz of stupidity went on for a month before they finally shipped my bass. Thank God! It arrived April 28, exactly two months after I ordered it. The reason for this delay? Musician's Friend was only taking into account their stock in 1 of their 7 warehouses. My bass was in their Missouri warehouse, not California, so they had no idea it was even there until they ran their inventory. Idiots.

Then the mess started. After opening the box, I found my bass staring right back at me. That's right. They included no proper packaging, no protection like a smaller box inside, or bubble wrap or anything. This instrument had just spent the past week in transit at the mercy of bumpy roads, weather/temperature and Cthulhu.

Playing it for the first time, despite having the low B that I would later replace, was also disappointing. The fingerboard was very obviously uneven and the strings would buzz like mad in the mid to upper register. Setup to play? Yeah, setup to play some diarrhea! Since it had no case (which I was told was included), I had to order one with expedited shipping (boosting the cost), just so I COULD send it to the shop.

I had already planned on sending it out for a setup; changing the tuning would mean it had to be intonated again, and the thinner C string meant the neck had to be adjusted and there was a possibility the nut needed to be raised (it didn't in the end). While this was going on, the fingerboard was leveled out eliminating most of the buzzing. Apparently, exposing a delicate, wooden instrument to the elements by failing to pack it safely can cause it to warp. Imagine that. 

Then my C and D flatwound strings both snapped. This is the first time I have ever broken a bass string but I didn't think much of it. So I got home and put on a set of roundwounds I had. This made it unplayable. The roundwounds were .05 thinner than the flats I had originally used and they were kissing the fingerboard. I sent it back out to be setup, and even more issues with the neck were found and subsequently fixed.

Let's recap a bit. I wait two months to even get this thing, then it has to spend another month in the repair shop to fix the damages caused by negligence on Musician's Friend's part. By mid June, I finally am able to get it and bring it home.

But wait, it's not over yet! I had been aware of a little defect with the inlay at the 10th fret area. It is very clearly broken into three pieces and you can physically feel a dip in the fingerboard. This wasn't much of a problem, especially after the repairs. Well, a tiny piece of this decided to fall out and make the entire A string unusable past the 10th inlay.

Now, I'd normally just send this back out, but the woman who does my repairs has told me that there's not much she can do. Because Schecter builds their instruments with longer necks, and that is wider due to the extra string, my only option is to have them build me a new inlay from scratch. I don't even want to think about what that would cost! So, I filed another complaint through the BBB and demanded Musician's Friend replace the instrument. They replied again at the last minute and agreed. Now I have to wait anywhere between one and seven months to receive it!

Musician's Friend absolutely screwed me. They refused to ship my order, and when they finally did, they didn't properly pack it, and the instrument they shipped me was severely defective. But that's not all! While at the shop, it was starting to become more and more obvious that this instrument had had a LOT of previous use. That's right, Musician's Friend sent me a USED bass when I very clearly ordered NEW! I had my suspicions from the beginning. There was no warranty card or any other card from the manufacturer included, like there should have been. Now, this gets even more fun because I  have to pay a 15% restocking fee to receive my replacement, just because those cards are missing!

That is bullshit! I have to pay the price for Musician's Friend's mistake, and they have the audacity to even consider restocking this pile of shit!

I will never use this company again and neither should you. There are plenty of other great dealers out there such as SweetWater, Zzounds, or AMS. Musician's Friend is repeatedly scraping at the bottom of the barrel to get you what they quite appropriately call "Stupid Deals". All you're going to get is a turd covered in some more shit.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Michele Bachmann: A Wonder of Science!

Michele Bachmann's recent remarks have done what no event prior in history was able to do. In just one conference, she single handedly killed more brain cells than the entire human history of drug use, reinforced that you should not fuck your cousins, and has proven that it is not only possible to conceive through anal sex (see below), but also that a fetus can develop and be born from the rectum.

Now, it is known that pregnancy can result from butt sex (in an event lovingly called "splash conception", where the semen makes an incredible journey from the anus into the vagina), but never before has there been a person that was literally born from the ass, until now.

If this is the future of America, our only hope lies with Godzilla. Rest in piece all ye departed brain cells, know that your sacrifice was not in vain like that of your cousins across every college frat house.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Horrific End of the World Weather

So, yesterday we had over a dozen funnel clouds here in MA, two of which touched down and caused some pretty serous damage out in Springfield and the western part of the state. At the time of this writing it's still unclear what the size of the twisters were, but it's estimated to be between EF2 and EF3, last I heard there were four storm related fatalities and there is a state of emergency throughout the commonwealth. Details and video from the devastated areas can be found hereBrimfield, where I went last fall to check out the fair was nearly wiped off the map, and nearby Monson took a pretty severe beating as well.

Worcester wasn't spared either. There were several funnel clouds over the city and many more in the suburbs were I live. Most died out or missed us by swinging to the south, but once a supercell popped up over Worcester and merged with one coming down from Leominster, we had at least three funnel clouds and speculation that at least one may have touched down, it is unknown at this time. I was able to photograph the cell as it came in, and get some images of a funnel cloud trying to touch down right over my hometown, but dissipated about three to five minutes after it first appeared.

The sky was an ugly teal color after this, and a very peculiar auburn as the funnel started to form as you'll see in the photos that follow. This is the worst storm system I've seen in 22 years. The last time this came though was in 1989, and I was barely a toddler. We had a tornado touch down near Northborough near where my dad was working and it came as close to my house as West Boylston. Not sure where it started or ended. But that only produced one, short lived tornado. This one produced at least two and they lasted for over 40 minutes.

By the time the storms merged over me last night, you could hear the roar of a funnel touchdown for about 15 to 25 seconds. At this time, it is unsure whether this was a tornado or very heavily sustained thunder echoing over the area. The freight train sound was classic of a twister but nothing was detected as of this writing.

The following images are linked from my facebook account and document the arrival of the northern supercell and the funnel cloud(s) it produced. You can't see in the stills, but there was some very serious rotation to these.

June 1 Tornado

Friday, May 20, 2011

The Final Post?

This will be my last post. Ever.

As you all know, Jesus is coming back tomorrow and, being a heathen Viking, I will be left to fight the forces of Satan until the world is destroyed. But do not weep for me. Think of me as a modern Doomguy, or Duke Nukem. Yeah! There'll be just me and SO many strippers that I can easily be the next Duke!

For anyone wishing give up their worldly belongings, you may sign them all over to me and I shall use them to help fight the forces of the devil.

So, good luck to all you lucky bastards getting Raptured. I bid you a fond farewell. Don't come back. You won't like it. Seriously.

And to Satan, I have one thing to say: Come get some!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Osama bin Laden is Dead!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Tea Party Apology!

I am making a public apology to the Tea Party. No, not because you are right and I am wrong. But because I equated you with the Ku Klux Klan. That was wrong. The Klan does not support or condone your party because it is too radical. I am sorry for the confusion. You are far more insane and outrageous than I had previously stated.

Read the details here.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

A Short Visit to Bob's Furniture!

A few months ago, I mentioned that I was working through some big, serious, but very good things in my life. One of the biggest things is opening my own business, and rather than waste time learning new skills to expand it (a lot of thanks to the bullshit of AIU, which by the way is still unresolved and is probably heading to court), I did decide in the end to focus on what I already could do. I've been working in audio production and commercial music writing for a long time now, so the best solution was to open my studio to a larger audience. I did end up adding photography and video production, but screw the other shit!

Well anyways, part of setting up my home studio for a greater commercial use means getting a new, more powerful desktop computer, better stereo monitors, a variety of microphones, software upgrades, etc. Before I could do most of that, I first needed a new workstation. Currently, I'm using an old, 60+ year old desk for my business uses, and a flimsy computer table that my family bought with our very first home computer way back in 1996. Needless to say, this is a very inconvenient setup (my computer table rumbles back and forth when I print or photocopy anything).

Seeing that most music stores sell the good audio production desks at well over a thousand dollars (anything under it is usually shit, though there are of course exceptions), I started looking at local Walmarts for something inexpensive that would satisfy my needs. This turned sour quickly when I realized the desk I had nearly fell in love with was too small for the 27" monitor my new desktop comes with.

So, I took a trip to Bob's Discount Furniture on the outskirts of Worcester today to start my search. I have never spent so little time in a store and with good reason. My experience at Bob's was like going to a used car lot with dozens of wads of hundred dollar bills overflowing from my pockets. The second I set foot in this store (which was quite amazing aesthetically, they even had a huge fountain and coy pond at the entrance) the sharks began to circle. Every salesperson in the front end of the store was on me. I honestly believe that if I had forked over a few twenties, I could have gotten a good old fashioned pole polishing from them, they seemed that desperate for a sale.

After telling them I was interested in office furniture, I was directed to the leather wing. Yes, because when you think of business, your first thought is a comfortable leather couch and love seat combo. I went through the entire section and the only things close to a desk were a small hutch, a coffee table and a display of orchids on said table selling for three hundred bux. Seeing absolutely nothing along the lines of my inquiry, I thought I'd look around the entire store just to make sure I didn't pass up a good deal. Then, Willow Smith's unspeakable abomination "I Whip My Hair" started to blast throughout the store. Needless to say, I left.

This was my first, and probably only trip ever to a Bob's. From what I saw, the employees are nothing but ruthless, greedy SOBs who will do everything they can to sell you their entire stock of generic shit, and their musical taste is the aural equivalent of eating the dried shit skin left under the seat of a gas station toilet. I should have known better than to go to a store that advertises itself with some of the most annoying and creepy claymation sequences ever recorded.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Police Brutality? More Like Shitty Parenting!

I was reading a report today that was half-assed paraphrased from the crummy Today Show into the even crummier AOL news about an 8-year-old that got pepper sprayed by the police. At first, one may think "Gee, that's an awfully excessive show of force! That poor kid!" But after digging just a little deeper, we can see why this happened: the kid was attacking teachers, threatening to kill them and was crafting a shiv out of wood trim he had ripped off of the walls so as to complete the job.

Now, it may seem obvious that this happened at a school that specializes in handling children with severe emotional and behavioral difficulties. It is also reported that there is a special task force in place for such incidents. Unfortunately, the age old excuse of "He's not like that at home" comes into play and this little shit has not actually been diagnosed with anything. Kinda hard to handle a kid with that kind of outburst, even in a specialized environment, when you don't know what the fucking problem is!

I condone the police for spraying this brat. I mean, it's their job to uphold the law and protect the innocent from madmen, and if that means cracking some skull here and there, then so be it! This kid is lucky he only got pepper sprayed. If I were superintendent of that school, I'd make sure his ass was hauled off to Juvie on assault and attempted murder charges. At least he acknowledges that he's fucked up, saying he did deserve what he got. Yeah right, you deserve a lot more than that you little prick.

I blame the parents here more than anything. While your hell-spawn may be oh so perfect at home, there's more than enough evidence to show he's incapable of functioning in a social environment. Why not get off your fat ass (literally) and take the psycho to a doctor and put him on some high dose medications. It'll spare you the heartache when he's sentenced to prison for 25 to life for shooting up his high school, or for bombing the office building he manages the mail for. No, instead of that, take him on national television to share his story so you can get some attention and maybe some money.

Don't come crying to the Today Show when it's you he's stabbing. Get some goddamn help!

Friday, April 1, 2011

My Wundful Leif!

Iv ben wanin 2 try ths for wile now. i allways hav ben con siddered 1 of teh smarter folks at home, allways tellin the smart jokes and talkin bout the science of intelijent desine and polititics. People was allways tellin me "boy, you shuld be startin up sum of that ther webnet stuff, show em wat a brian can do!" My parole offisa let me visit the city not 2 long ago and I was able 2 akwire me a compooter, so here I be!

My leif is wundful i tell ya wat. it May not be 2, 2 glamrose but I get it by. Here be a pik of my house:

Now it may notbe much, but its home! This ther house has ben in my famly now for neerlie 30 years! Wow! That be like almust 3 dog lives! Last year we lost usselves a tire so we startin 2 tilt a bit mor, but we get used 2it! Mama sed it just God's hand startin 2 lift usselves up 2Heaven and I now it 2 be tru, i can feel it and heer them ther angels callin!

Last nite I went 2 see Nascar. i lov that Nascar. if it wasnt for Nascar ida neva met my soul mate Wendy. she is 1 of God's most beutiful galls I tell ya

She be a country AND a western singer! So talented she gonna be at that ther top in none time i tell ya wat! we wer at the hot dog drink stand wen we met. she was orderin up sum diet coke and a few burgers, just like I was! I tell ya it was love at 1rd site! We later fowned out that we was long lost cuzins, wat a cowinkie!

We gots mareed after the racin seeson ended and soon fowned usselves with child! Wendy gave birth 2 a beutiful boy jusin time for summa. We named him Zamboni

this pik was taken at his 2th birfday last year. hard 2 beleeve he gonna be 5 in a few munths! Allmust time for school learnin.

i went 2 my weekly gun meetin a few days ago. I allways keep a 22 in my truck, fully loaded and ready 2 go in case ofa nucular war. Gots 2 have somthin 2 fend off the communists atheists and them 1s with the funny lookin skin. and that just be on a good day a piece! I keep me lots of guns, can never be 2 safe. specialy wit a little boy 2 protect.

That ther be a little bit ofmy collecshun. The pik was taken by the police a few years ago and they took them away. I stayed a few racin seasons in the jail after that I tell ya wat. but Im proud 2 say that my collecshun ahs grown since then! i keep it in my bunker wer the police cant fin em!

i be lookin 2 the neckst ther president. I hope me that Sara Palin wins. Finally, a president you culd look at and be not 1 of them ther homosexual queers. We gots so much in comon 2 that she make a great president! She reely speek and stand wat America be about and that ther little guy, unlike some presidents who wast even born in America and dosnt have no birth sirtificat. I now becus im brian smart.

Welp i best me movin along fr now. God bless yall!