Sunday, October 31, 2010

Torgo: The Master's Rave Mix!

Last year I presented an original remix of the haunting Torgo theme from Manos: The Hands of Fate. While it was okay in my opinion, and it received some great reviews on YouTube (on a now closed channel), I was never fully happy with it. It could have moved more, incorporated more dynamics and filter alterations and used some original sounds instead of Logic presets.


Well, this year I worked my ass off to create one that is by far better! Using Reason, I designed my own sounds for the lead, bass, a few pads and other tracks, used a lot more variation and made something that shows a lot more effort and quality. Now this is a Torgo mix you can get your ass moving to!




Alternate Jack-o-lantern Ideas!

Ever been so busy around Halloween that you never get around to the pumpkin patch, and by the time you do, all the good ones are taken? Well, this happens to the best of us. I myself have no pumpkin this year, but though, hey, why not look at some other ways I can make a great jack-o-lantern! And here we are!


There are a few things you may want to consider before starting this project. How much of a mess your carving will make, how readily available are your materials/goods and how will you go about carving the lantern? Time is also a factor, after all, if you put off getting a good pumpkin, you probably won’t get around to carving until the fifth of November, so be prepared!


Paper Bag
Mess: None
Difficulty: Easy
This is your most basic alternative to a pumpkin. There’s no mess and all you need for carving is a good pair of scissors. You’ll want to use an electric candle, probably the same one’s you’d use at Christmas, to light your design. Unless of course you’re a pyromaniac, then go right ahead and use a real one.


Gourd
Mess: Minimal
Difficulty: Moderate to Rather Tedious
This is a great pumpkin alternative since they’re so closely related. The only problem is that the average gourd you can pick up is rather small, making carving a detailed design a true test of patience! Even your clichéd “triangle eyes with one bucktooth” face is going to be a pain with this one and lighting it up is going to require a lot of small flashlights.


Turnip
Mess: Minimal
Difficulty: Moderate to Very Tedious
This is a very traditional one; in fact, some of the original jack-o-lanterns were made using just this! Like the gourd, its small size may prove challenging, and carving out a solid interior is a whole new layer to that! Be very careful to leave a wall that’s thick enough to carve, but still roomy enough to insert your candle. On the plus side, vandals may not be as interested in smashing these!


Old Toolbox
Mess: Varies
Difficulty: Varies with welding torch experience
As you can guess from what I said in the difficulty area, you’re going to need a welding torch for this. Also, your mess will vary with how well you can carve with said torch, how large the box is, how rusty it may be, and how much collateral damage results from hitting a pile of newspapers and oily rags.


Newspapers
Mess: None to Minimal
Difficulty: Easy
Why waste the time it takes to drive all those stacks of old papers up to a recycling center when you can do it at home! Who cares about the “historical significance” of Saddam’s capture, or JFK’s assassination? Please, you need a jack-o-lantern! Simply create a ball shape, cut out a faced with scissors and insert a flashlight. You might want to take this a step farther and make a papier-mâché lantern as well!


Log
Mess: Varies
Difficulty: Varies
There are two ways to make a nice wood based jack-o-lantern. The easiest is to use a hollow log, easily found in any forest or neglected woodpile. Carving a face into this is generally easy since the wood is probably rotten and cuts like ice-cream soup. Your mess depends on compost in and around the log, any colonies of carpenter ants or termites and anything else that could be crawling about. Don’t fret, this makes it spookier; the last thing you’d want to do is ruin your lantern by killing all the bugs pouring out of it’s face!

The second method is much harder and requires a lot of chainsaw skill. You will need to use a fresh log and hollow it yourself, then carefully proceed to cut out your design. The mess will generally be quite large, but remember to save your sawdust, never know when you may need that!


Your House
Mess: Extreme
Difficulty: Insane
This is for experts with a lot of Halloween experience only. To begin, select a design and start plotting it out on the front of your home. You will need to cut power and water to avoid personal injury, but since you’ll be using a lot of electric equipment (such as reciprocating saws, sanders, drills, etc.) it is a good idea to purchase a few gas powered generators. Once you have carved out your design, now the fun can begin! You will need to gut your entire house so you can light it up! Be very careful to leave only load bearing walls and support beams that stand behind your light source; don’t want to accidently dim that spooky carving! To illuminate a jack-o-lantern this big, it is best to light a bonfire in the heart of the house with two more a few feet to the left and right of that one to guarantee proper lighting. Don’t worry; your insurance will cover you!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Shitty Costume Ideas 2010!

Another year, another set of horrible ideas for costumes! Last year I gave you a detailed list on the worst you could possibly create, and this year is no different. In fact, there is even WORSE this year than last thanks to a massive surge in stupidity! I dread to think of Halloween 2011. Spooky!


BP Executive

It’s always cute (and by cute I mean skin crawlingly pathetic) to see little kids running around in their parent’s business suits, getting expensive jackets covered in all sorts of filth as it drags behind them and stomped upon with oversized shoes. But if you’re going to try this for Halloween, you’d better make sure you have no connections with British Petroleum. If you want to risk this, be prepared for a lot of oil soaked candy. Oh well, you can always buy out the media and hide information on your services to clean up your image (remember, your image is more important than a few drops of oil in a huge ocean!) and then you can reap your chocolaty reward!


Tea Party Supporter

It’s so easy to show your support for the Tea Party; you can cut some holes in a stiff white sheet and go as a silly ghost, put on some Doc Martens and a nice brown shirt, or if you’re really ambitious, a nice grey 19th century soldier’s uniform! Just remember, no Tea Party outfit is complete without a sign showing Obama as The Joker with a few NASCAR and monster truck bumper stickers slapped on the back! Giterdone!


Death Panel Member

This is hard. It’s very hard to dress up as something that doesn’t exist so you’d have to use a lot of imagination. Maybe a Nazi (very ironic) with blood stains around the mouth? Maybe dress as God, since they’re both on the same plane of reality and both enjoy a good ol’ bloodbath.


Texas Schoolchild

Screw history! If you want to know what REALLY happened in the past, sit down and study the Texas way! With revised books that take a dump on the ideologies of the Founding Fathers, and removed others altogether, this costume is best done using a slumping, drooling face, dunce cap, a shit smeared copy of the Constitution and a fresh, glowing Bible. Remember, one nation UNDER GOD! Yee-haw!

Jesus Christ

We’re getting too close to 2012. With all these end-timers and Teabaggers, they’d probably think you were the real deal and crucify you if they discovered it was just a costume. And the best costume is the one that doesn’t get you killed; remember safety this Halloween!


Giant Taco

This is probably okay in most places, but if you live in Arizona, watch out! One whiff of your delicious hamburger, refried beans and shredded cheeses will have the cops on your ass faster than they would a fresh jelly donut. And since you’re in costume, you probably won’t have a pocket for all those papers you’ll need, which means you’ll be catapulted back to Mexico regardless of your citizenship!


Vampire

Vampires blow. Back when I was growing up, we had the classic Dracula you’d find in old movies or in Castlevania (though, I’ll gladly ignore that pile of shit “Simon’s Quest” and skip right to 3). Now we have a punch of pussies wandering around talking about their feelings and contemplating existence. That’s not a vampire, that’s a Goth. And there is nothing worse than a pathetic, angsty teenager who does nothing but write dull poetry about death and mopes. Fuck that.


Snooki

Fuck this ugly, crab infested, walking Petri dish pile of goat puke. Taking a shit on this troll would do nothing short of glorifying it, and providing a well needed makeover. This hobgoblin, and its associated TV show, is proof that God is imaginary. Enough said.


So there’s a list of some of the worst costume ideas for this season. I know it’s not much this year, but the danger level is high! Any one of these could land you in jail or decapitated in a dumpster!

Friday, October 15, 2010

The Great Debate!

Ever since the invention of the motion picture camera, there have been great minds putting it to use, bringing us classical gems, raw, historic footage and let us not forget, peepshows. Great films seemed to have dominated the early years of cinematography, and movies today just don’t have any value outside of Burger King marketing and other merchandising. Back then, movies had a soul and told a story that could actually move you. It is needless to say the some of the greatest horror and science fiction movies of all time emerged in this period.

But, for every Nosferatu and The Day the Earth Stood Still, there are hundreds, if not thousands of other films that are subpar. Bad movies are about as plentiful as zits on a sixteen-year-olds face when he wakes each morning. Now, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I love a poorly constructed B-movie just as much as the next guy, after all, what’s not to love? There are cardboard sets, guys dressed in flimsy rubber suits destroying toys and storylines with less consistency than a patchwork quilt assembled by the League of Blind Knitters. It all makes for a great laugh and series like Mystery Science Theater 3000 would never have been born if not for these films.

However, two movies in particular are so bad, that they defy all logic and reality. These shit biscuits were conceived and haphazardly aborted with a butter knife in complete ineptitude, left in the gutter, and were scraped off the pavement with a tar encrusted shovel and tossed into a can filled with rotting skunks, ultimately creating what is now known as the Z-Movie. By now it must be obvious that these two films are none other than Plan 9 From Outer Space and Manos: The Hands of Fate.

But which one is worse? I have a very hard time figuring that one out. Plan 9 certainly shows a lot more talent, if you can believe that. While it’s plagued with technical problems such as visible microphones, horrific acting such as the co-pilot of the plane clearly reading his script while the scene is being shot, and some of the worst dialog ever conceived (“I saw a flying saucer… it was shaped like a cigar), its quite watchable. All of the obvious flaws in this movie make it one of the greatest unintentional comedies ever made and it does such a great job making fun of itself, that no further commentary is really needed!

Manos, on the other hand, is a different story. While it still suffers the same problems, such as visible clapboards, scenes that loop over and over, dialog that would make a three-year-old flinch, and a half-assed plot that makes an hour-long shit seem like a masterpiece, this movie is virtually unwatchable without the aid of MST3K. Really, there is no redeeming factor to this film as a stand-alone and it has been known to literally cause physical pain during viewings. However, Manos has a much more memorable cast of characters such as Torgo, everybody’s favorite demonic servant, while most refer to Plan 9’s cast by the actual actors/actresses, mostly because they’re memorable than the characters they played.

It seems that Manos takes the cake and is a clear winner here, right? I’m sorry, but you’re wrong. The correct answer is that neither of these movies are the worst ever made! So, what’s the worst one then? This:


No kidding, this is the worst movie I have ever seen, and as you can tell, I know my shitty flicks! Watching this movie is like splattering diarrhea out of your eye sockets. While not the longest movie ever made, it feels as though four hours ticked by as I watched it, but it was so insanely bad that I couldn’t stop!

If you want to know what it’s about, it’s basically the story of a thief and her poodles that become transformed by a meteorite, the dogs become flamboyant humans and she develops a sentient and very lengthy tongue in which she frequently performs auto-fellatio, despite the love-hate relationship they have. That all changes when the tongue knocks up its host, they learn to love one another and destroy anyone in their path including old lovers and an assortment of convicts, and they all die a horrible death. The End.

Really, it’s that bad. What makes it worse is that it is a creation of Robert Englund. Yes, Freddie is responsible for this movie and as far as I am concerned, it is a black scar on a classic image. I’d rather stick my head up an elephant’s ass and have it shit me back out a few hundred times, I’d rather be slowly lobotomized with a needle infected with AIDS, I’d rather be punched in the balls with a shit fist than watch this fucking movie!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Here Comes Halloween!

It's that wonderful time of year once again! The songs of ghouls fill the air, human flesh is half off at the zombie markets and real vampires are out slaughtering Twilight fans; Halloween is here!

I have a ton of new articles ready to go filled with horror movies, pranks, costumes and another great quest for the perfect pumpkin! I even changed the site's layout to celebrate!

Now that I don't have school in the way, and since I run my own business I have a little extra time to put into writing spooky Halloween articles that are sure to make you piss yourselves in fright. So get your costume and a bucket of candy and let's start the festivities!