Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Tornado Time!

Apparently we had two tornados in my area last night. One touched down briefly in my hometown of Clinton and moved into the next one over before disappearing, and the other was in Leominster/Fitchburg a few blocks from where I was. Luckily, I was in my piano teacher's basement studio so I was fine where I was but yes, I did hear it and got a chance to look out and see the funnel cloud as it dissipated!

No major damages up here at all though, both touchdowns were very brief and the strength of the twisters were very low (about an EF 1). Very lucky though, we had a real bad one when I was a toddler out in West Boylston, and the one in 1953 that destroyed a good portion of Worcester on June 9 was definitely much worse and just goes to show you that it can happen anywhere, even in the wooded and mountainous areas of New England. Just look at the EF 3 in New Hampshire a couple years ago for further proof!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Join My Voyage!

I have done something I have never wanted to do. I joined the bullshit website Twitter as a joke. And now, I'm planning to take everyone along for the ride! Get on my longboat and join my voyage. We set sail in a week you goddamn mouth breathers!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

You’re Stupid: Here’s a Degree!

Now that summer’s in full swing, all you soon to be college students are probably sober enough now for some moving words of wisdom. Before you pack a plastic tote filled with pornography and one sweatshirt to prepare for college living, here is a life lesson coming form someone who’s been there! This is the first part in a small series of lectures for you intellectual soldiers of tomorrow so you’d better listen up or you’re going home in a body back filled with your beer induced vomit!
To start things off, here’s a list of the absolute worst, and most useless college degrees available, and why. Now, many of you can find these around, but I’ve already heard “That’s just bullshit, there’s plenty of work for a philosophy major in today’s world!” one too many times to let this go. This list was made from personal experience and from watching the experiences of friends working (or not) in the fields of their study.

I know several people who went into this field. Right now they are mopping the floor at McDonald’s or desperately trying to kiss the asses of town clerks for an entry-level secretarial job where they will spend the majority of their day updating their facebook accounts and subsequently receiving a pink slip. Most politicians study something in the liberal arts field and there’s a reason for it; it allows them to lie, cheat and steal their way into major offices without having to know the first thing about consequences. The only way to succeed as a politician is to screw everyone, take their money, make a lot of promises that you have no intention of keeping and vote strictly along the lines of whatever party you happen to get stiff from. No intelligence required.

English Literature
Unless you double in an education field, there absolutely no work in this field. No one needs to hire a recent graduate whose only skill is reading and writing an analytical essay on the symbolism of rain on a wheelbarrow. The English major is not without work however. If you studied journalism or another writing track, then you certainly can find work in newspapers, online writing, magazines, technical/manual writing, etc. But if all you did was read a heap of boring stories that no one has ever heard of outside of a classroom, then kindly get fucked. Whoring is the only option.

This is the one of most useless degrees you can ever get. The schools that offer this are usually shit, or so selective in their audition process that you have to be a performing professional just to have a slight chance of getting in. I know, I used to want to study this in college, but then I grew up. If you want a career in music, be prepared to make a shit load of sacrifices to your social and familial life, you’ll need to spend hours practicing and have no time for anything else. A nervous breakdown or two are also likely while doing this, whether on your own or in a conservatory. Most music majors I know work at Best Buy and play in a shitty alternative rock band every other weekend. A degree in this won’t make a difference at all. If you’re good, then there’s a slim chance you can get work. If not, then you’ll refuse to listen to others and desperately struggle to play your beaten instrument instead of getting a real job, and ultimately sell it just to get food and a new box to make an addition to your cardboard mansion. Music schools pride themselves with lists of career options for graduating students and means of getting them, yet there are often more teachers in the school than needed simply because those options don’t exist.

I already mentioned this, but really. Who fucking cares? You know all about the deeper meaning of your own existence, but won’t have the slightest skill to sort mail or even how to brown nose properly. At least you’ll be all set in case your time machine accidently sends you back to ancient Greece or Rome.

Studying the way people interact with one another doesn’t take four years of college; it takes one weekend watching reality show clips, news coverage, children’s programming and other bullshit that already teaches you how to do just that. Besides, in this computer-based age, no one interacts with each other at all. You’re better off studying information technologies just so that minimal form of communication persists.

Film/Video Production
This was the most popular major at Fitchburg State. A good friend of mine studied both tracks and applies for at least ten jobs a week, getting rejected from each. Unless you have a relative in Hollywood or have the opportunity and money to make a hit independent film, go get a real life.

Much like music, you don’t need a college education to use it, but you do need a real job to fund it. If you spent four years learning the intricate ways to create a painting then you have very little to offer society. No one needs someone to sit around painting, sculpting or designing vague political states that make no sense to the mentally stable for eight hours a day. If you want to have great art skills, save your money and get a good teacher for private guidance. Put your college fund towards something that has an actual value, like burger flipping. Hey, it actually can make you a living!

Maybe understanding the way God works and intervenes in the lives of mortals (something that the believers who teach this bullshit at the same time say is impossible) may have had a place in the ancient world. But then again, God would have to exist for this major to hold any credit.

If you’re boss happens to be a pirate or something, maybe this will come in handy so you can pass the sword movement portion of your employee orientation and properly conduct business in the correct dialect. If not, then get ready for a few years worth of dumpster diving. I know dozens of theater majors. They are all very talented actors and actresses, yet not one of them holds a job that doesn’t compete with the average high school student. I know a few who specialized in technical theater, and they get work from time to time setting up stages and lighting for plays and outdoor events, but like the other art based degrees in this list, you’re better off studying it on your own and getting a real career to pay your bills.

With the exception of the pirate, see above.

Golf Management
Seriously, what the fuck is this? I didn’t even know this existed until one of my friends decided to go into it. As much as I enjoy playing golf, what kind of career could I possibly hope to get by managing someone playing it? There’s no way to knowing who will be the next great success, unless you happen to see them being chased by their club swinging spouse in the middle of the night. And even then, how is this going to help you manage anything? Maybe if it wasn’t so inclusive and allowed you to work in the business with other sports and dumbass jocks, you’d have a slim chance at a career. In reality, this is just a fancy way of a saying that you’re a professional caddy. If you can even do that.

There’s a hell of a lot more bullshit courses of study out there, but these are the top twelve that I can think of and have friends who can vouch for it. So when you’re off at university and you stumble into that one moment where you are actually sober enough to focus on education, remember this article if your brain hasn’t been irreversibly poisoned.