Thursday, April 29, 2010

Cancel the Razzies: The Contest is Over!

I have seen a shit load of horrible movies. To name even half of them would take up so much space that I would cause this site to time out for a year at the least. Usually you can spot a really bad movie from a safe distance, often they have Michael Bay, Adam Sandler, or Will Ferrel listed in the credits, providing the average moviegoer with enough warning to retreat. But with this announcement on upcoming films, I have been given the warning siren, yet am so intrigued the utter ineptitude of modern screenwriters, that a part of me sadly wants to see these.

What are these horrific movies you ask? It has recently been announced that movies based on Magic 8-Balls, Monopoly, Candy Land and Ouija Boards are currently in development. Fuck me.

Now, a few years ago, the guys at Robot Chicken gave us a look at what movies based on board games would look like and it was a hilarious reinvention of Hungry, Hungry Hippos, Chutes and Ladders, and Slip n' Slide. What air sucker watched this and decided "Hey, what if I made a REAL movie like that?". Have we really run out of ideas for a good movie?

I propose we make purposely low budget flicks in the style of those 1950s and '60s sci-fi extravaganzas and flood the market with them. Why? Because these movies would actually sell. You don't need a bunch of CGI effects and million dollar savings for a great film. People would love to go to the theater purely for the sake of watching a show so insanely bad that it comes back around as good. What's not to love about going to a grainy movie where the main antagonist is a radioactive, mutated lizard that breathes fire from a clearly visible acetylene torch?

We don't even need to blow budgets on good actors (like there are any these days). Just take a few college students with or without experience and let them at it! People paid top dollar to see shitty, wooden acting in the Star Wars prequels, why not just have average slobs star? I'm sure it'd be better than Jar Jar Binks.

Even if your low budget effort proves to be a complete flop (look up Manos: The Hands of Fate), take comfort in knowing that in 40 years time, you'll be the proud director of the greatest cult movie of all time. We really need to find a way to bring Ed Wood back to life...

Friday, April 16, 2010

Let's All Go to the Rally!

The other day, a mad group of militants stormed the city of Worcester, Massachusetts and paraded through the streets in a method reminiscent of 1930s Germany. This was the day the Tea Party came.

If there is anyone out there dense enough not to see how this group is a near perfect reincarnation of the Nazi Party, then kindly shoot yourself with one of the thousands of guns you undoubtedly own. Before you go on about how Obama is a Nazi and the Democrats are fascist, let's have a history lesson. And if you go after me on that, I'll kindly show you my degree in history.

Let's begin with this: Fascism and Totalitarianism are elusively RIGHT WING. Extreme leftists movements exist, and great examples of those would be Stalin's reign over the Soviet Union, Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge regime and Mao Zedong's Red China.

Another point: Socialism and Communism are not the same thing. America has long standing socialist institutions as well, such as police, fire, public schools, and libraries. Those are all examples of socialism. Adding health care to that does not a Communist nation make, and all one has to do is look at England, France, Germany, Canada, Israel (the right wing and God's alleged favorite nation of all places!), Finland, Australia, etc. Those are all good ol' capitalist, democratic nations, minor differences emerging mostly out of republics vs. constitutional monarchies. Did you see any sickle and hammers flying over them as of late? Didn't think so.

Each side of the political spectrum has extremes, and the following images explain it much simpler:

There. Much easier to understand. The first images can be found here, and the second here. I provided two so nut jobs on both sides can't accuse me of choosing completely biased sources. Sorry, but this is how reality works, so don't email me.

I see so many assholes lately going around talking about how the Communist Nazi Obama is going to destroy America. Well, let's break this down. The above graphs can easily show you what's wrong with that bullshit.

Nazis cannot, by any means, be Communist, and vice versa. Anyone who has read a thing on the Weimar Republic and the political atmosphere of the time would know of the violence between the left and right. The predominantly Catholic Centre Party was one of the few moderate groups to be found in the post war years and held a strong percentage in the Reichstag until all parties outside of the Nazis were forcibly disbanded.

The Nazis are not socialist either, despite their name of Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei (National Socialist German Worker’s Party). A name is a name, the politics they performed are in direct contradiction to socialism and the Nazis were responsible for anti-socialist and anti-Communist propaganda campaigns alongside violence against both parties at the hands of the Sturmabteilung (SA). This public violence created a dark image of the party and was one of the reasons the SA was destroyed during the Night of the Long Knives from June 30 to July 2 in 1934. Socialists, as it appears in the name of the Nazi party, was simply a marketing strategy that drew in members and separated themselves from the Communists they passionately hated.

Put down your fucking Bibles, turn off FOX News and read a real history book for a change!

If you understand the workings of the Nazi rise to power, you can see that the Tea Party is running on the exact same strategy. The Nazis promised food, work and resistance to the evils of communism and the left. I could have sworn I heard Sarah Palin saying the exact same thing alongside other radicals at these events (some of whom have been known to have made calls for the forcible "straitening" of homosexuals).

And to those of you who say, “It’s a party in the minority, nothing to worry about!” then remember that the Nazis never held a majority in the Reichstag, and that they made up less than two thirds of the political world. The Nazis could not legally alter the Weimar Constitution as a result. The way they took full power was through the use of the incredibly vague Article 48 on emergency powers. This was activated in the wake of the Reichstag fire and secured the Nazi regime without legally altering the constitution.

Get your heads out of your ass and see the danger America is really in. We have a fascist group among us that is run by politicians known to hold racist, bigoted and violent doctrine at heart. This group is increasing in popularity and could destroy the true liberties we have as American citizens. Our propaganda during World War Two always stated “It Can Happen Here”, well here it is, and all I see is a call to join it over a call to suppress it.

If something isn’t done to raise awareness of this American born extremism and the consequences past movements have had for other nations, history is destined to repeat itself. Realize the threat of the Tea Party and other splinter groups now and not when you’re heading to Super Happy Fun Time Camp.

Friday, April 2, 2010


Keep staring at the black spot on screen, you won't believe your fucking eyes!