Monday, December 27, 2010

Let's Study Online!

A few months ago, I posted some practical advice for what majors not to choose if you want to have any success and sanity in life. Today, we’re going to look at different dimension of college. No, I’m not talking about keg stands, dipshit professors straight out of grad school with no common sense or teaching talents, or how to pick up the slutty girls who only wear inside out sweat suits. We’re going to investigate the convenient, though highly controversial world of the online university!

After graduating from Fitchburg (which has now become Fitchburg State University, and I am incredibly disappointed that they left the word “state” in the name, thereby voiding use for tired jokes), I began establishing my own media business. Right now I specialize in photography, writing and audio production/composition. It’s a little rough here and there, so I figured I might try expanding into other new realms, mainly graphic design and interactive media fields. Now, since I’m busy running my own little corporation, taking the time to go back to school didn’t seem that practical, especially given other, more serious (in a very nice way!) personal things I’m working on.

So, to combat this little predicament, I looked into online programs that offered something along that line as a temporary solution at best. And that is how I found myself a group of lying, thieving, marauding assholes that put Famous Poets to shame! The “school” in question is American InterContinental University. Through use of intimidation, questionable policies, and keeping information about themselves behind closed doors until after you apply, this for-profit pile of elephant shit has made millions off of unsuspecting students who didn’t read (or who weren’t issued) the fine print.

I came across AIU while browsing graphic design classes and certification programs through Adobe and such. I had no real intentions of applying (since an online degree is the best way to slaughter your resume); I just wanted a little bit of information, mostly to see if I could take a few classes now, and transfer them to a real school. After the Famous Poets incident, I research any and all things before I advance. But a minimal issue did crop up while doing this: they have no adequate information on their website! You absolutely have to request information from the school! This was a bit of a warning right away, but since it doesn’t cost anything for information, I inquired. Then it began.

Less than 24 hours after requesting information, I started getting phone calls, multiple times a day, from the same admissions advisor. I’d get calls while I was sleeping, while I was having dinner, while I was decorating for Yule. It didn’t fucking stop! I finally had the chance to talk with my advisor, and this guy was one of the sleaziest sons of bitches ever spewed out of a rotting cunt. We’ll call him “Alabaster” to conceal this wretch’s identity. Simply by requesting information I had inadvertently begun the steps for admission.

Now, let’s take a step back and look at this. The fact that we must do so this early in the game is akin to raising a plague flag at a Renaissance theatre; this is some deep, sticky shit. I merely asked for information on the school and a particular program. Doing just that with any traditional institution will result in a few booklets, flyers and maybe an email or two from the university. I filled out that same sort of request form here and have already taken Step 1 for my application. Your application formally starts with an information request! Like I said, I like to research any venture I take, so I’ve gotten tons of brochures from many schools, from New England to Pennsylvania, over the course of one quarter in high school. None of them spammed me. I had time to choose what was right for me. If I didn’t reply, the emails and fliers eventually stopped. With AIU, something this simple is taken as a sign that you are 100% committed to them, and you are completely certain that you wish to enroll within just a few weeks!

When I was speaking with Alabaster, he said, “I see you’ve requested information for our graphic design program, you’ll be beginning January 3, is that correct?” Wait, what? Nowhere on their website did they tell you when these programs started and they only supply a very vague and incomplete list of required core classes in the field you’re studying. I was hoping to maybe get some, I don’t know, time to get ready for this! Jesus Christ, when this was going on, the start date was a little less than a month away. Nowhere did I ever say I was committed to pursuing this with AIU, yet like a used car salesmen, Alabaster wouldn’t take no for an answer. Also, since I had answered the phone and asked for information, I was now 50% complete with my application!

I figured at this point, it couldn’t hurt to simply apply, and later choose not to be bothered with it. I finished my application and submitted $50 for the application fee. Now, this is where some other issues arose. I had to sign release forms for my transcripts, and to show my agreement to the school’s policy (which again, doesn’t mention a whole lot, it’s very vague and has very little about the school itself in it). To do this, I had to print the entire application, which totaled eighteen pages, sign five of them, scan them, and then email them to Alabaster. He made me do this four fucking times because “the version dates are missing.” Here’s the problem: the file he’s sending me to print isn’t configured for standard paper size; even resizing it in the print menu didn’t work too well. He claimed this was the first time this ever happened; yet if anyone’s doing this from home on your average printer and using this format, it should be happening every goddamn time! Well, finally he was satisfied with how the scanned sheets looked and I was free of that bullshit. 48 hours later I was accepted.

When I answered this next call from Alabaster, I knew something wasn’t right. I had a sickening feeling in my stomach. AIU at this point hadn’t even received my transcripts from college or high school and I’m already accepted? What kind of school allows that? I was then directed to financial aid and am told by the woman in that office that the program will cost $26,100. The next day I get an email congratulating me on my acceptance and blah, blah, blah. They then tell me I need 180 credits. What? Alabaster said I needed 90, but this is apparently the core program, I need another 90 credits, which includes a complete business minor, basic writing (which I obviously don’t need!) and bullshit like philosophy and adolescent psychology. They get through this by making you get an associate’s degree first, then the bachelor’s, regardless of what you may already possess!

This makes the price $52,200, not $26,100! The financial aid office deliberately lied to me! They also lie about this on their website. They show total cost and $26,100 listed, but very cleverly conceal in the upper left corner of the chart that if you want to actually gradate, you’ll need 180 credits. Even in the email telling me about 90 additional credits, they do not include any change to cost. Yet the total is indeed $52,200. AIU courses are $290 a credit, and they require 180 in the end, not 90. Basic multiplication is all it takes to see through this level of poorly constructed bullshit.

This is, from the source, what is charged for tuition:

Hmm- something stinks. There it is in the words of AIU, what the cost of attending their institute totals. Yet this is a completely different story from what you find out after you get your acceptance letter and total in the additional charges. They have the 180 listed vaguely on this form, but are purposely not including the cost that those additional 90 credits create!

This is a great example of bait-and-switch, and is illegal under false advertising laws. They lure students in at a slightly reasonable fee of $26,100 (remember, this is what some schools charge a semester!), and then only after acceptance do they reveal that you need additional credits that double the cost they initially told you! By including that little 180 (and using a lot of ambiguity), they can shield themselves from legal flak, and create the perfect loophole for not including the real cost of tuition!

Now I know why I felt sick when I was told of my acceptance. Alabaster emailed me again, and this time he sent me a copy of my application documents and I saw something that infuriated me. This was an anger I had never felt before. This made a certain group of lying poets look like Christ. This was a rage so intense that if I were a god, I’d use it to destroy a few cities and flood the earth – a few million times! You see, what I saw on these documents was my social security number. I never gave AIU my social security number!!!

That was it for me. But now I was left with a pretty big problem. AIU now has my social security number, a copy of my handwritten signature and the number from the debit card I used to pay the application fee! FUCK!

After a very deep breath, I had to plot my next course of action. The next day I went to the bank and cancelled the card. I also made sure to have any recent spending tracked and put a block on AIU. The woman I was speaking with even called this “school” and got the run around. I could tell from the look on her face while she was talking to these assholes that she wasn’t impressed with them, and she told me to take action on the rest of my ID.

I contacted FSU and spoke with the registrar. She told me that AIU had called them twelve times asking for information on me, and not just academic information. Alabaster was interested in personal information and other records that FSU probably didn’t even have! This resulted in a little visit from the police to investigate privacy violations and harassment! Wow, what a nice school! On top of that, the registrar told me that although AIU is accredited, its type of accreditation is not one that most schools, including Fitchburg, would accept credit from. This immediately destroyed my original idea and revealed even more deceptions.

That night, Alabaster called again. I was supposed to have attended a virtual open house on the student website to get to know my “peers”. Yeah, going to a glorified facebook-styled chat session with a bunch of morons trying to earn their degree while in prison is a great open house. Now that my bank was notified and my card terminated and replaced, I was ready to let him have it. And boy did I ever! I wanted to know how the fuck he got my SS# and he avoided the question each time. After going to my high school, it appears that they got it off of my SATs, since it was required to include that number on the information sheet at the time. When confronted with the accreditation issue, he got pissed and simply stated that I was getting “some bad information” and left it at that.

Seeing that he was calling FSU to the point were the police had to get involved, I knew right away that Alabaster was about as trustworthy and accurate as the information presented in Triumph of the Will. The day after that, I called my lawyer.

My lawyer, upon hearing that AIU had gotten their hands on my SS# without my consent, told me to issue a notice in my writing to terminate all records they had on me and send me a form detailing that the request was met. As of this writing, this has not been done at all, and the bothersome emails and phone calls continue to come. The next step is to have my lawyer call the school and personally speak with the CEO. Yeah, they have a CEO, not a president. Shows you what their main interest is, huh? Once contacted, it will be demanded that the request is complied with again, or the issue will move to court.

Since this is a continuing saga, much like Famous Poets was, I will be posting plenty of updates. So if you’re interested in the convenience of online education, remember that all it takes to apply is an information request. I know it’s convenient. But it’s also insanely expensive due to ridiculous hidden fees and despicable business tactics. Most are accredited, but the accreditations are worthless in the real world. No other college and no business would want someone with credentials from such an organization. If you take a sheet of paper, then take a massive shit on top of it, that oozing shit covered paper will have more value than a degree from AIU or any other online college.

Unless you’re attending an online extension school from a real, established college, such as Boston University Online, avoid online education at all costs. It’s not worth it, it’s a scam, they can steal your identity and they’ll lie right to your face (if they could see you) just to squeeze out every last penny they can.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Festive Filth: The Worst Christmas Songs Ever!

Shortly before Halloween, taking a trip to the mall or any retail outlet will probably mean seeing plenty of Christmas trees, elves, Santa decorations and lights, lights, lights! It’s not until the first or second week of November (on average) that the monotonous, clichéd, mentally numbing drone of holiday music works its way through the speakers of broadcast device and forces the everyday clerk and shopper alike to go postal.

Now, keep in mind there are some great songs out there. I absolutely love Bing Crosby’s arrangement of “Do You Hear What I Hear” and Roger Whittaker’s “Christmas Is Here Again”, and anything Trans-Siberian Orchestra does is just awesome. But then, we all know the bad songs too. We all know what these abominations are capable of; I for one listen to Madonna’s version of “Santa Baby” whenever I need to quickly cure constipation. And really, how many version of “Jingle Bells” or “Rudolph” do we really need? We all know the songs; we all like the old, original versions better (or not at all)! You suck; get over it!

But out of all the songs you’re sure to hear any given Christmas season that blow more than the average New England blizzard, there are some so incredibly bad, they can make any Christmas carol sung by a chorus of barking dogs sound like Chopin. Chances are you’ve never heard of some of these, and if you have, you’re probably wondering what took so long for me to make fun of them! Others you probably know but have repressed the memories so deeply that reading this article will require years of therapy.

So, without further ado, I present the absolute WORST 5 Christmas songs ever made!

5: Gunther: Christmas Song (Ding Dong)

This is one of those very few songs that is just so bad that it comes back as good, and can be quite amusing to put on as you trim the tree. Constant sexual references done to predictable European techno beats and Gunther’s steamy, guttural voice can really get you in the mood! Or not. But no matter how comical this song is; nothing compares to the comedy of the video!

4. Cher: O Holy Night

If she could turn back time, she’d go back to this song and introduce her mouth to a roll of duct tape. This offers a very good idea of what it’s like for a woman to sing baritone. After this debuted on the Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour, it became a staple of many parodies to come, most notably the accurate impressions offered by Paul Shaffer. If one were to swallow 90lbs of sawdust and down it with a bottle of mercury, you’d still fall short of this performance.

3. Matt Fox & A.J. Rice: Illegals In My Yard

This racist abomination first emerged last year on the conservative website (gee, what a shock!) Parodying “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano, the lyrics are predominantly anti-Hispanic, but lines such as “They’re going to spread bubonic plague this Christmas” really harkens back to the Middle Ages when Jews were blamed for poisoning the wells with the same disease. Old racism with a new target. On a musical level, this is just as ghastly. The monotone “singing” is about as boring as watching a bunch of sports cars go around in a circle. Then again, this is aimed at that same demographic.

2. Milton DeLugg/Roy Alfred: Hooray For Santy Claus

One thing I hate about holiday music is how far too many record producers think that a bunch of children screaming carols into microphones produces something desirable. Used as the theme song from the 1964 holiday bomb, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, the aforementioned production techniques shine through like a burst of atomic holocaust. What makes this worse is just how effective it is as a song. One listen and there is no doubt that it will be stuck in your head for days to come. I always thought “The 12 Days of Christmas” was the most annoying holiday song ever written, and then I heard this! This is one earworm that you’ll need a chainsaw to remove.

At last, we arrive at number one! Just what, you may ask, can possibly reside in this unholy realm? A Justin Bieber cover of Alvin and the Chipmunks’ “Christmas Don’t Be Late”? The Star Wars holiday album? Perhaps it’s not a song at all, and you’ve just come face to face with Satan himself. Or, maybe you’ve just met the worst musician to ever live. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one, the only:

Jan Terri!

1. Jan Terri: Rock and Roll Santa

Just what can I say about this? Everything speaks for itself. Literally! Jan Terri’s horrific speech impediment makes this come out as “Wock and Woll Santaw” and the rest of the lyrics require repeated listens and knowledge of the Enigma code to properly understand. Adding to this is the unimaginative dancing, clichéd lyrics, music based off of no more than five notes and a video that relies on random scenes of Christmas displays and copyrighted segments of classic holiday specials with no legal authorization.

And it isn’t just this video. Oh no. Terri has a whole collection of similarly composed songs with videos that follow this very formula! Whether she’s singing about lost love, a trip to Mars in the distant future or dancing goblins, you can easily plot her next move just by watching this one video! If you listen to any song on this list in its entirely, it has to be this one.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Back For Christmas!

Whoa, it's been long time! My little Thanksgiving vacation took a lot longer than I had originally planned, but I needed it! I've been incredibly busy starting my own business and getting it off the ground while dealing with family emergencies, a charity event and a few other things! I hate to see how little I've written AGAIN this year, but oh do I have a lot.

Remember Famous Poets, that bullshit poetry scam I tore a new asshole a few years ago? Well, I've recently gotten involved in another scam by a different organization and boy am I pissed! And what happens when Vikings get pissed? Well, there used to be this place called Atlantis before some nose picking, vegetarian hippie pissed off Odin.

Still sorting this out now, and possibly taking a little trip to a place called court to help it along. Hopefully this will be a easier than appealing to a bunch of fundamentalist poets operating out of a shack in Oregon.

Oh well, up first this holiday season is an examination of horrible music. Stay tuned, chances are you've never heard of some of these!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Torgo: The Master's Rave Mix!

Last year I presented an original remix of the haunting Torgo theme from Manos: The Hands of Fate. While it was okay in my opinion, and it received some great reviews on YouTube (on a now closed channel), I was never fully happy with it. It could have moved more, incorporated more dynamics and filter alterations and used some original sounds instead of Logic presets.

Well, this year I worked my ass off to create one that is by far better! Using Reason, I designed my own sounds for the lead, bass, a few pads and other tracks, used a lot more variation and made something that shows a lot more effort and quality. Now this is a Torgo mix you can get your ass moving to!

Alternate Jack-o-lantern Ideas!

Ever been so busy around Halloween that you never get around to the pumpkin patch, and by the time you do, all the good ones are taken? Well, this happens to the best of us. I myself have no pumpkin this year, but though, hey, why not look at some other ways I can make a great jack-o-lantern! And here we are!

There are a few things you may want to consider before starting this project. How much of a mess your carving will make, how readily available are your materials/goods and how will you go about carving the lantern? Time is also a factor, after all, if you put off getting a good pumpkin, you probably won’t get around to carving until the fifth of November, so be prepared!

Paper Bag
Mess: None
Difficulty: Easy
This is your most basic alternative to a pumpkin. There’s no mess and all you need for carving is a good pair of scissors. You’ll want to use an electric candle, probably the same one’s you’d use at Christmas, to light your design. Unless of course you’re a pyromaniac, then go right ahead and use a real one.

Mess: Minimal
Difficulty: Moderate to Rather Tedious
This is a great pumpkin alternative since they’re so closely related. The only problem is that the average gourd you can pick up is rather small, making carving a detailed design a true test of patience! Even your clichéd “triangle eyes with one bucktooth” face is going to be a pain with this one and lighting it up is going to require a lot of small flashlights.

Mess: Minimal
Difficulty: Moderate to Very Tedious
This is a very traditional one; in fact, some of the original jack-o-lanterns were made using just this! Like the gourd, its small size may prove challenging, and carving out a solid interior is a whole new layer to that! Be very careful to leave a wall that’s thick enough to carve, but still roomy enough to insert your candle. On the plus side, vandals may not be as interested in smashing these!

Old Toolbox
Mess: Varies
Difficulty: Varies with welding torch experience
As you can guess from what I said in the difficulty area, you’re going to need a welding torch for this. Also, your mess will vary with how well you can carve with said torch, how large the box is, how rusty it may be, and how much collateral damage results from hitting a pile of newspapers and oily rags.

Mess: None to Minimal
Difficulty: Easy
Why waste the time it takes to drive all those stacks of old papers up to a recycling center when you can do it at home! Who cares about the “historical significance” of Saddam’s capture, or JFK’s assassination? Please, you need a jack-o-lantern! Simply create a ball shape, cut out a faced with scissors and insert a flashlight. You might want to take this a step farther and make a papier-mâché lantern as well!

Mess: Varies
Difficulty: Varies
There are two ways to make a nice wood based jack-o-lantern. The easiest is to use a hollow log, easily found in any forest or neglected woodpile. Carving a face into this is generally easy since the wood is probably rotten and cuts like ice-cream soup. Your mess depends on compost in and around the log, any colonies of carpenter ants or termites and anything else that could be crawling about. Don’t fret, this makes it spookier; the last thing you’d want to do is ruin your lantern by killing all the bugs pouring out of it’s face!

The second method is much harder and requires a lot of chainsaw skill. You will need to use a fresh log and hollow it yourself, then carefully proceed to cut out your design. The mess will generally be quite large, but remember to save your sawdust, never know when you may need that!

Your House
Mess: Extreme
Difficulty: Insane
This is for experts with a lot of Halloween experience only. To begin, select a design and start plotting it out on the front of your home. You will need to cut power and water to avoid personal injury, but since you’ll be using a lot of electric equipment (such as reciprocating saws, sanders, drills, etc.) it is a good idea to purchase a few gas powered generators. Once you have carved out your design, now the fun can begin! You will need to gut your entire house so you can light it up! Be very careful to leave only load bearing walls and support beams that stand behind your light source; don’t want to accidently dim that spooky carving! To illuminate a jack-o-lantern this big, it is best to light a bonfire in the heart of the house with two more a few feet to the left and right of that one to guarantee proper lighting. Don’t worry; your insurance will cover you!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Shitty Costume Ideas 2010!

Another year, another set of horrible ideas for costumes! Last year I gave you a detailed list on the worst you could possibly create, and this year is no different. In fact, there is even WORSE this year than last thanks to a massive surge in stupidity! I dread to think of Halloween 2011. Spooky!

BP Executive

It’s always cute (and by cute I mean skin crawlingly pathetic) to see little kids running around in their parent’s business suits, getting expensive jackets covered in all sorts of filth as it drags behind them and stomped upon with oversized shoes. But if you’re going to try this for Halloween, you’d better make sure you have no connections with British Petroleum. If you want to risk this, be prepared for a lot of oil soaked candy. Oh well, you can always buy out the media and hide information on your services to clean up your image (remember, your image is more important than a few drops of oil in a huge ocean!) and then you can reap your chocolaty reward!

Tea Party Supporter

It’s so easy to show your support for the Tea Party; you can cut some holes in a stiff white sheet and go as a silly ghost, put on some Doc Martens and a nice brown shirt, or if you’re really ambitious, a nice grey 19th century soldier’s uniform! Just remember, no Tea Party outfit is complete without a sign showing Obama as The Joker with a few NASCAR and monster truck bumper stickers slapped on the back! Giterdone!

Death Panel Member

This is hard. It’s very hard to dress up as something that doesn’t exist so you’d have to use a lot of imagination. Maybe a Nazi (very ironic) with blood stains around the mouth? Maybe dress as God, since they’re both on the same plane of reality and both enjoy a good ol’ bloodbath.

Texas Schoolchild

Screw history! If you want to know what REALLY happened in the past, sit down and study the Texas way! With revised books that take a dump on the ideologies of the Founding Fathers, and removed others altogether, this costume is best done using a slumping, drooling face, dunce cap, a shit smeared copy of the Constitution and a fresh, glowing Bible. Remember, one nation UNDER GOD! Yee-haw!

Jesus Christ

We’re getting too close to 2012. With all these end-timers and Teabaggers, they’d probably think you were the real deal and crucify you if they discovered it was just a costume. And the best costume is the one that doesn’t get you killed; remember safety this Halloween!

Giant Taco

This is probably okay in most places, but if you live in Arizona, watch out! One whiff of your delicious hamburger, refried beans and shredded cheeses will have the cops on your ass faster than they would a fresh jelly donut. And since you’re in costume, you probably won’t have a pocket for all those papers you’ll need, which means you’ll be catapulted back to Mexico regardless of your citizenship!


Vampires blow. Back when I was growing up, we had the classic Dracula you’d find in old movies or in Castlevania (though, I’ll gladly ignore that pile of shit “Simon’s Quest” and skip right to 3). Now we have a punch of pussies wandering around talking about their feelings and contemplating existence. That’s not a vampire, that’s a Goth. And there is nothing worse than a pathetic, angsty teenager who does nothing but write dull poetry about death and mopes. Fuck that.


Fuck this ugly, crab infested, walking Petri dish pile of goat puke. Taking a shit on this troll would do nothing short of glorifying it, and providing a well needed makeover. This hobgoblin, and its associated TV show, is proof that God is imaginary. Enough said.

So there’s a list of some of the worst costume ideas for this season. I know it’s not much this year, but the danger level is high! Any one of these could land you in jail or decapitated in a dumpster!

Friday, October 15, 2010

The Great Debate!

Ever since the invention of the motion picture camera, there have been great minds putting it to use, bringing us classical gems, raw, historic footage and let us not forget, peepshows. Great films seemed to have dominated the early years of cinematography, and movies today just don’t have any value outside of Burger King marketing and other merchandising. Back then, movies had a soul and told a story that could actually move you. It is needless to say the some of the greatest horror and science fiction movies of all time emerged in this period.

But, for every Nosferatu and The Day the Earth Stood Still, there are hundreds, if not thousands of other films that are subpar. Bad movies are about as plentiful as zits on a sixteen-year-olds face when he wakes each morning. Now, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I love a poorly constructed B-movie just as much as the next guy, after all, what’s not to love? There are cardboard sets, guys dressed in flimsy rubber suits destroying toys and storylines with less consistency than a patchwork quilt assembled by the League of Blind Knitters. It all makes for a great laugh and series like Mystery Science Theater 3000 would never have been born if not for these films.

However, two movies in particular are so bad, that they defy all logic and reality. These shit biscuits were conceived and haphazardly aborted with a butter knife in complete ineptitude, left in the gutter, and were scraped off the pavement with a tar encrusted shovel and tossed into a can filled with rotting skunks, ultimately creating what is now known as the Z-Movie. By now it must be obvious that these two films are none other than Plan 9 From Outer Space and Manos: The Hands of Fate.

But which one is worse? I have a very hard time figuring that one out. Plan 9 certainly shows a lot more talent, if you can believe that. While it’s plagued with technical problems such as visible microphones, horrific acting such as the co-pilot of the plane clearly reading his script while the scene is being shot, and some of the worst dialog ever conceived (“I saw a flying saucer… it was shaped like a cigar), its quite watchable. All of the obvious flaws in this movie make it one of the greatest unintentional comedies ever made and it does such a great job making fun of itself, that no further commentary is really needed!

Manos, on the other hand, is a different story. While it still suffers the same problems, such as visible clapboards, scenes that loop over and over, dialog that would make a three-year-old flinch, and a half-assed plot that makes an hour-long shit seem like a masterpiece, this movie is virtually unwatchable without the aid of MST3K. Really, there is no redeeming factor to this film as a stand-alone and it has been known to literally cause physical pain during viewings. However, Manos has a much more memorable cast of characters such as Torgo, everybody’s favorite demonic servant, while most refer to Plan 9’s cast by the actual actors/actresses, mostly because they’re memorable than the characters they played.

It seems that Manos takes the cake and is a clear winner here, right? I’m sorry, but you’re wrong. The correct answer is that neither of these movies are the worst ever made! So, what’s the worst one then? This:

No kidding, this is the worst movie I have ever seen, and as you can tell, I know my shitty flicks! Watching this movie is like splattering diarrhea out of your eye sockets. While not the longest movie ever made, it feels as though four hours ticked by as I watched it, but it was so insanely bad that I couldn’t stop!

If you want to know what it’s about, it’s basically the story of a thief and her poodles that become transformed by a meteorite, the dogs become flamboyant humans and she develops a sentient and very lengthy tongue in which she frequently performs auto-fellatio, despite the love-hate relationship they have. That all changes when the tongue knocks up its host, they learn to love one another and destroy anyone in their path including old lovers and an assortment of convicts, and they all die a horrible death. The End.

Really, it’s that bad. What makes it worse is that it is a creation of Robert Englund. Yes, Freddie is responsible for this movie and as far as I am concerned, it is a black scar on a classic image. I’d rather stick my head up an elephant’s ass and have it shit me back out a few hundred times, I’d rather be slowly lobotomized with a needle infected with AIDS, I’d rather be punched in the balls with a shit fist than watch this fucking movie!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Here Comes Halloween!

It's that wonderful time of year once again! The songs of ghouls fill the air, human flesh is half off at the zombie markets and real vampires are out slaughtering Twilight fans; Halloween is here!

I have a ton of new articles ready to go filled with horror movies, pranks, costumes and another great quest for the perfect pumpkin! I even changed the site's layout to celebrate!

Now that I don't have school in the way, and since I run my own business I have a little extra time to put into writing spooky Halloween articles that are sure to make you piss yourselves in fright. So get your costume and a bucket of candy and let's start the festivities!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Krowness Goes to Olde Home Days!

Shortly after my trek to the Brimfield Fair, my hometown had it's own little festival and again, I couldn't resist checking it out! Olde Home Days is one of maybe three major events Clinton has to offer, the elementary school's Autumn Walk is sadly one of them.

There really wasn't much going on here, at least compared to Brimfield, but it was nice to finally make the two block walk to the park and see the old biddies and little shits running about as if World War Three had just ended. I had tried to get go this since I launched this site three years ago, but every single time it was rained out by a tropical storm or a Nor' Easter. For the first time in ages, it was actually warm and sunny!

Again, uploading a shit load of pictures to this site is like drinking a liter of corny diarrhea, so I included a link to the public album on facebook with all the commentary. Enjoy!

Olde Home Days!

Krowness Goes to the Brimfield Fair!

I've often wondered; what would you get if the average flea market had a baby with every dusty, dimly lit antique store in a three hundred mile radius? Since it is impossible for inorganic establishments to mate and give birth, there is no real answer to this question. But if I had to take a guess, mine would be The Brimfield Fair.

The town of Brimfield, MA is nestled in the Worcester foothills, has none of the attractions neighboring Sturbridge has (mostly colonial museums and the Old Sturbridge Village) and the nearest grocery store is several miles down the highway. But three times a year for about five days each, the largest collection of clutter, antiques, junk and other assorted knick-knacks Connecticut, New York and Pennsylvania (and a few other states) have to offer wind up in this quaint village. I decided to make the hour long drive just to get a glimpse of this, and boy was it worthwhile! Miles of tents, miles of junk and a shit load of pictures to tell the story!

Even though the new picture system works a lot better than the old one, it is still a pain in the fucking ass to upload 70 large format images in a timely fashion, so I've decided to post the public link to the pictures from my facebook page, it'll be much easier to load, display and look a hell of a lot more organized! Enjoy!

The Brimfield Fair!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

It’s Chewy, It’s Chummy, It’s Piranha 3D!

What has a voracious appetite and jumps off the screen into your lap? If you were to answer with Piranha 3D, you’re wrong. This is a movie that I have a very hard time loving, yet I have a very hard time hating it too. The plot, if it can be called one, is annoyingly simple; an earthquake has opened up fissures underneath Lake Victoria and from the depths thousands of prehistoric piranhas are released, just in time for spring break. But like any horror movie, the plot isn’t what matters so much as the violence, atmosphere and either how much fun or frightening it was.

This is where my love-hate relationship with this movie begins. Unlike other movies, this can be clearly divided into two major parts. In part one, we have a lot of sex, dancing naked girls with breast implants and a scene were two chicks start making out underwater while looking suspiciously like CGI models. The way this is approached is like a thirteen-year-old’s wet dream; frequent use of the 3D effect is incorporated solely to enhance and showcase T&A.

The second part is entirely made up of gory deaths, mutilations and ridiculous violence against partygoers and plenty of fish. If you can look past the various Metalocalypse rip-offs (people being split in half by flying cables and slowly coming undone in a splash of blood is just one such example), it is a disturbing, twisted and completely fun sequence! I was able to do just that and look beyond a few bits of plagiarism here and there and just enjoy the movie, as much as I could anyway, but more on that later.

The infestation is finally halted when our heroes blow up a porno party boat and snuff the majority of the flesh eating fish in the blast. Then we realize that they were just babies and the adults are still out there. If you want to get the full effect of the surprise ending, don’t read this paragraph.

Now, while the movie itself is filled with a variety of clichés, frequent Jaws reverences (even the promotional artwork is a spoof of the original Jaws poster) and a few acts of violence ripped out of a popular cartoon, overall it is quite entertaining and humorous at times (such as the porn producer’s penis getting chewed off, swallowed and then regurgitated towards the audience in brilliant 3D).

Here comes the downside. This is quite possibly the worst 3D experience I’ve ever had. I’m not sure whether this is a result of the filmmaking, the glasses, the theater or the genre as a whole. I found that many of the 3D images were very blurred, or gave an impression of double vision at times depending on where the glasses sat on your face. I found that I had to hold said glasses off of my face and adjust their position periodically to get the full effect. To make this worse, I can’t see the screen without eyeglasses, so any scene where I found this happening, I ended up with quadruple vision!

I also found that halfway through Piranha, I was getting a migraine as result of watching it in 3D. After I had left the theater I was also experiencing problems with depth perception, and very awkward dizziness.

Movie wise, I give Piranha 3.5 out of 5 swords. Grading the 3D imaging as a separate entity altogether, I give it nothing more than half a rusty sword. A rusty sword of shame! May all 3D movies rot in Hell and may this fad end soon!

Monday, September 13, 2010

End To Moderation!

For the past several months, I've had comments to my page moderated and had to go through and approve each one so it could be posted. This was, by no means, done to block hate mail. I love hate mail. There is nothing like getting a poorly constructed rant from an 11 year old who wants to attack my sexuality because I find football to be a disease on humankind and subsequently parading his asshattery about in a rebuttal filled with rude remarks.

The reason I moderated mail was due to a massive influx in spam to my page, all from the same Asian porn blog that did nothing but link to dozens of other sites where their material could only be purchased in yen. These comments have finally ceased and the offenders deleted and banned, so I can finally free up the comment section!

I did go to the two fairs I mentioned last month too, and I will begin posting pictures this week. In the past, posting a photo adventure was a nightmare with this site, and I hope the new interface will improve the problems with formatting, arranging and spacing that I had before. I will also be posting my review of Piranha 3D later tonight.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

My Favorite Time!

I absolutely love late summer. It's still warm and the nights are still quite enjoyable, the kids are off to school in tears and I don't ever have to go back! Oh yes, this is a feeling I haven't been able to enjoy since I was four! Eighteen and a half years of education is finally over, I have a great freelance job that I can work from home with, and I can easily support myself and a small family if/when the dice roll that way. Good times indeed.

I've heard that many graduation speeches are urging graduates to flip burgers and stock shelves since there are no real jobs out there. Instead of wasting my time working like a former high school jock, I actually applied myself and created a market and job for myself. Most people turn down freelance or contract gigs, simply because "theirs not j0bb sekuritmys lol!!1" making it easier for those with brains, talent and devastatingly good looks like myself to break into such a market with little trouble. So go fry some 'taters and play with soup cans all you want, it's just for the time being, right? Just remember that little saying when you're 55 years old, bald and still working at the food court.

I have a whole lot of events coming up for the site here too. I know it's been slow, lots of shit has been going on up here involving shit eating sons of bitches going after some of my best lady friends and an alleged ghost tormenting my cousin. Yes, that last one is true. But that's dying down thanks be to Odin and I have some time to get out and see some unusual sights!

First up is the Brimfield Fair west of Worcester. It's one of the largest flea markets in the area and people bring shit from all over the country to it in a four day extravaganza covering a ton of acreage. I plan on going with my camera ready next week!

Then we have Olde Home Days here in Clinton where a bunch of trinket shops regurgitate their merchandise into the park and main streets along with meaningless and half-assed attractions. Guess who'll be there? Wanted to do that one for years now, but it rains every time it's held, hopefully that won't be the case this time around!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Finally Made It!

Last month, I opened a Twitter account to help spread my messages while I was sailing around the world on a homemade long boat. Just as I was approaching England, I was shot at and sunk by the navy! Apparently they mistook me for a Somali pirate and forbade me from entering their nation. I was only going to sack one district of London, just one! Goddamn limeys had to go and ruin everything for me!

Well, I managed to swim back to the United States not too long ago and decided to take a vacation to recover from such a long swim, and believe me, showing off these now enormously muscular arms at the beach was a real killer with the ladies! But sorry, that part of my heart was taken years ago, so too bad for you, at least you'll always know that your pathetic boyfriend is the best you can do. But don't worry, he played football in high school, I'm sure he'll turn into something great! Like a temp worker, or a bag boy, or maybe even a clerk at Walmart!

Since it's that time of year again, I'll just leave one little message: Fuck Football.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Tornado Time!

Apparently we had two tornados in my area last night. One touched down briefly in my hometown of Clinton and moved into the next one over before disappearing, and the other was in Leominster/Fitchburg a few blocks from where I was. Luckily, I was in my piano teacher's basement studio so I was fine where I was but yes, I did hear it and got a chance to look out and see the funnel cloud as it dissipated!

No major damages up here at all though, both touchdowns were very brief and the strength of the twisters were very low (about an EF 1). Very lucky though, we had a real bad one when I was a toddler out in West Boylston, and the one in 1953 that destroyed a good portion of Worcester on June 9 was definitely much worse and just goes to show you that it can happen anywhere, even in the wooded and mountainous areas of New England. Just look at the EF 3 in New Hampshire a couple years ago for further proof!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Join My Voyage!

I have done something I have never wanted to do. I joined the bullshit website Twitter as a joke. And now, I'm planning to take everyone along for the ride! Get on my longboat and join my voyage. We set sail in a week you goddamn mouth breathers!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

You’re Stupid: Here’s a Degree!

Now that summer’s in full swing, all you soon to be college students are probably sober enough now for some moving words of wisdom. Before you pack a plastic tote filled with pornography and one sweatshirt to prepare for college living, here is a life lesson coming form someone who’s been there! This is the first part in a small series of lectures for you intellectual soldiers of tomorrow so you’d better listen up or you’re going home in a body back filled with your beer induced vomit!
To start things off, here’s a list of the absolute worst, and most useless college degrees available, and why. Now, many of you can find these around, but I’ve already heard “That’s just bullshit, there’s plenty of work for a philosophy major in today’s world!” one too many times to let this go. This list was made from personal experience and from watching the experiences of friends working (or not) in the fields of their study.

I know several people who went into this field. Right now they are mopping the floor at McDonald’s or desperately trying to kiss the asses of town clerks for an entry-level secretarial job where they will spend the majority of their day updating their facebook accounts and subsequently receiving a pink slip. Most politicians study something in the liberal arts field and there’s a reason for it; it allows them to lie, cheat and steal their way into major offices without having to know the first thing about consequences. The only way to succeed as a politician is to screw everyone, take their money, make a lot of promises that you have no intention of keeping and vote strictly along the lines of whatever party you happen to get stiff from. No intelligence required.

English Literature
Unless you double in an education field, there absolutely no work in this field. No one needs to hire a recent graduate whose only skill is reading and writing an analytical essay on the symbolism of rain on a wheelbarrow. The English major is not without work however. If you studied journalism or another writing track, then you certainly can find work in newspapers, online writing, magazines, technical/manual writing, etc. But if all you did was read a heap of boring stories that no one has ever heard of outside of a classroom, then kindly get fucked. Whoring is the only option.

This is the one of most useless degrees you can ever get. The schools that offer this are usually shit, or so selective in their audition process that you have to be a performing professional just to have a slight chance of getting in. I know, I used to want to study this in college, but then I grew up. If you want a career in music, be prepared to make a shit load of sacrifices to your social and familial life, you’ll need to spend hours practicing and have no time for anything else. A nervous breakdown or two are also likely while doing this, whether on your own or in a conservatory. Most music majors I know work at Best Buy and play in a shitty alternative rock band every other weekend. A degree in this won’t make a difference at all. If you’re good, then there’s a slim chance you can get work. If not, then you’ll refuse to listen to others and desperately struggle to play your beaten instrument instead of getting a real job, and ultimately sell it just to get food and a new box to make an addition to your cardboard mansion. Music schools pride themselves with lists of career options for graduating students and means of getting them, yet there are often more teachers in the school than needed simply because those options don’t exist.

I already mentioned this, but really. Who fucking cares? You know all about the deeper meaning of your own existence, but won’t have the slightest skill to sort mail or even how to brown nose properly. At least you’ll be all set in case your time machine accidently sends you back to ancient Greece or Rome.

Studying the way people interact with one another doesn’t take four years of college; it takes one weekend watching reality show clips, news coverage, children’s programming and other bullshit that already teaches you how to do just that. Besides, in this computer-based age, no one interacts with each other at all. You’re better off studying information technologies just so that minimal form of communication persists.

Film/Video Production
This was the most popular major at Fitchburg State. A good friend of mine studied both tracks and applies for at least ten jobs a week, getting rejected from each. Unless you have a relative in Hollywood or have the opportunity and money to make a hit independent film, go get a real life.

Much like music, you don’t need a college education to use it, but you do need a real job to fund it. If you spent four years learning the intricate ways to create a painting then you have very little to offer society. No one needs someone to sit around painting, sculpting or designing vague political states that make no sense to the mentally stable for eight hours a day. If you want to have great art skills, save your money and get a good teacher for private guidance. Put your college fund towards something that has an actual value, like burger flipping. Hey, it actually can make you a living!

Maybe understanding the way God works and intervenes in the lives of mortals (something that the believers who teach this bullshit at the same time say is impossible) may have had a place in the ancient world. But then again, God would have to exist for this major to hold any credit.

If you’re boss happens to be a pirate or something, maybe this will come in handy so you can pass the sword movement portion of your employee orientation and properly conduct business in the correct dialect. If not, then get ready for a few years worth of dumpster diving. I know dozens of theater majors. They are all very talented actors and actresses, yet not one of them holds a job that doesn’t compete with the average high school student. I know a few who specialized in technical theater, and they get work from time to time setting up stages and lighting for plays and outdoor events, but like the other art based degrees in this list, you’re better off studying it on your own and getting a real career to pay your bills.

With the exception of the pirate, see above.

Golf Management
Seriously, what the fuck is this? I didn’t even know this existed until one of my friends decided to go into it. As much as I enjoy playing golf, what kind of career could I possibly hope to get by managing someone playing it? There’s no way to knowing who will be the next great success, unless you happen to see them being chased by their club swinging spouse in the middle of the night. And even then, how is this going to help you manage anything? Maybe if it wasn’t so inclusive and allowed you to work in the business with other sports and dumbass jocks, you’d have a slim chance at a career. In reality, this is just a fancy way of a saying that you’re a professional caddy. If you can even do that.

There’s a hell of a lot more bullshit courses of study out there, but these are the top twelve that I can think of and have friends who can vouch for it. So when you’re off at university and you stumble into that one moment where you are actually sober enough to focus on education, remember this article if your brain hasn’t been irreversibly poisoned.