Thursday, December 31, 2009

Here Comes 2010!

Gods is it that time again already? Time to make plans on what we’ll change in the coming year, only to fall miles short and abandon all hope of ever doing so by the first of February. So once again, I’m gonna tell you what we all can expect in 2009! The future is here but are YOU ready? Let’s see!

In 2010…

I will post more than I did in the shitty year of 2009!

Michael Jackson will sing at the New Year's and admit that he faked his death (and will be subsequently crucified)!

Scientists will discover a secret vault in Egypt which connects them to Atlantis and the apocalypse in 2012!

Yemen will be invaded by the US, officially starting World War 3!

New images of Pluto will show that the demoted planet now has a fifty mile high monument of a middle finger pointing towards Earth!

Texas will secede from the US, but Mexico will in turn become a state!

China will once again pose a threat to world health!

The Olympics will blow!

The George W. Bush library will receive its only literature: 500 issues of MAD and one copy of The Pet Goat! (The MAD issues will be rejected due to satirical articles on the former president.)

American Idol will be cancelled! (I know said it last year, and I say it again. But a man can dream, can't he?)

There will be a sequel to Waterworld!

The Pope will reinstate the Holy Roman Empire and declare war on Islam (or to be a little more accurate, he will do this again)!

Everyone will stop fucking panicking over swine flu!

Smallpox will resurface! Whoops!

Pop Tarts will be linked to a rare form of brain rot!

The color blue will be outlawed after a comical Crip incident!

Aborted fetuses will rise against humanity, or just the Democrats!

Mars will invade Earth for its resources, only to find that humans have already used them all!

Jar Jar Binks will have his own movie. Oh, wait.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Ending Credits!

It has finally come. Today, at 1:45 P.M., I finished school forever! No more twenty or more pages of essays to write, no more bullshit research projects on the invention of the overhead projector, no more drunken idiots coming to class stinking of diarrhea and puking on the desks! Suck my gigantic balls Fitchburg State! Suck 'em good!

To commemorate this moment, here is a list of all the academic information I gained from FSC:

Amazing! In my four and a half years of hell in this massive pile of dog shit, I have seen:

Girls in the nursing program too dumb to breathe and blink at once.

Kids who couldn't open a door because they were pushing instead of pulling.

A professor who showed up to a quarter of her classes and still graded us.

A history professor who used our input to write his own dissertation.

Staff members too dumb to close and lock the tailgate of their pickup truck, so they backed it into a concrete pole to solve the problem.

A gang war across the street from campus.

Two fires.

A junkie walking around campus yelling for security because "twenty kids took my dots!" (I had to report him to the campus police, so I know the details all too well).

A runaway horse.

Some fatass who sat on the same bench every day for 2 years smoking the cheapest cigars made, and who would confront anyone who dared go near "his bench".

The value of a textbook dwindle to 0.8132196994% of its original value.

So there it was. College. Anyone out there interested should avoid it at all costs. Save your money: if you get a job out of high school, even menial, the money you will have at the end of four years will be more than what your college graduate friends will have made in ten with inflation, depression and lack of employment.

Or better yet, steal.