Friday, October 30, 2009

The Pumpkin Who Couldn't Smile!

The world is filled with great mysteries; what happens after you die? How did the universe form? How can your feet smell if they don't have a nose? But one stands out more than others; what do you do if a boy needs a pumpkin, and a pumpkin needs a boy?

Well, way back in 1979 this question was finally answered by Chuck Jones in his animated film, The Pumpkin Who Couldn't Smile. This is a simple story starring Raggedy Ann and Andy who vow to help a little boy get a pumpkin for Halloween. His stuffed up aunt refuses to get him one, or even let him out trick or treating. What a horrible, wrinkled bitch.

Well, it just so happens that one pumpkin is sitting all by himself on top of the hill. This pumpkin has a lot of issues since he was carved sad, and he can't stop crying seed tears, which forces his only potential friend (a field mouse) to move away. Kind of a goth pumpkin I guess only he doesn't mutilate himself. Actually, I take that back. He does go on and on and on about how he could have been more usefully be being baked into a pie, so maybe he is a little suicidal.

I could detail the adventure, but I can't post images right now :(. I did however find the whole movie available for your viewing pleasure onlinee. Be sure to see the happy ending! And no, not that kind!

So without further ado, here is The Pumpkin Who Couldn't Smile! Also, this is my 100th article, hooray for Halloween and milestones!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Shitty Costume Ideas 2009!

With Halloween only days away, costumes are sparse and undoubtedly poor quality. Which is why I will probably go to the local stores and see what tripe I can turn up. But anyways, for those of you rushing to make a last minute outfit, here are some horrible ideas that will more than likely get you crucified, gutted and given away as treats!

Swine Flu

While dressing up as a pig with a thermometer and surgical mask may seem fun, you are forgetting one important aspect of swine flu: it’s not fucking scary. I can continue to go on about its low mortality rate, paranoia and propaganda but why bother? Anyone that worried about a dipshit flu is probably afraid they may catch something over the internet. Idiots.

Falcon the Balloon Boy

A couple of weeks ago, a little dolt fooled the world that he was flying around in a homemade balloon and set rescuers into a panic when the basket he was allegedly in fell off. The little shit was safely at home, not getting beaten by his parents like any other kid in his situation would. Only a moron would dress up like one, only in a balloon. Oh I’m sure your giant aluminum foil bubble is amazing but you are better off pitching it to half-assed television channels (e.g. Lifetime) to make into a movie: Falcon: On the Wings of a Tard.

Zombie Michael Jackson

Too soon man, it’s too soon. Same with Billy Mays, and the dozens of other dead celebrities.

Unintentional Nazi

Many times I have seen people dressed as good ol’ Charlie Chaplin. Every once in a while there’s someone who ends up slicking back their hair for style purposes, wears a fancy brown coat due to weather and dons the toothbrush moustache. I remember Mrs. Bernstein didn’t approve too much of that case.

A Vampire

Vampires suck. Haha, LOLZ!!11!one. See what I did there. But seriously, Twilight has forever destroyed what Brams Stoker and Nosferatu have worked so hard to create. You probably won’t be able to fight real vampires in Castlevania anymore thanks to the pussification of their kind. Just what I want to do; whip the piss out of a sensitive near-goth kid with parental issues that isn’t popular even though he shops at Hot Topic. Please, throw that shit away. Actually, now I really do want go whip the piss out of one of those fake vampire morons.

Sumo Wrestler

Over half of America dresses up as this on a daily basis. No thanks.

A Girl Whose Dressed as a Guy Whose Dressed as Sailor Moon

Now I enjoy some animes such as Bleach, YuYu Hakusho, Death Note, Fullmetal Alchemist and anything else with a great story of drama or fantasy. But Sailor Moon sucks. What sucks harder are Otakus, these are the anime obsessed who cosplay on a daily basis and make normal people like me look bad. Now there are many images of men dressing up as anime women, but a girl dressing as a guy dressing as woman? Now you’re just getting silly.


Only lamos do this. When I would decorate my house with a miniature Spooky World on the front lawn, we always had 7th graders out trick-or-treating (who says there’s an age limit?) and they would always go as themselves. Wow, real scary. The only way this can be frightening is if these kids are about to pull a Columbine or a selling drugs on the school grounds. Someone better tell the school’s police officer if you see these idiots. At least you can have them arrested for no originality. Dweebs.

So that about wraps up this year’s list. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to do many posts this Halloween season thanks to two 20-page term papers, excessive projects, and preparing to move out of the shit hole that is Massachusetts less than a year from now. Oh well, nothing is as scary as life!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Torgo: The Remix!

As I said in my first post of the month, we need a true Halloween theme. Well my friends and fiends, I have made that very song! From my posts last year, you know that I am a huge fan of bad movies and one of the worst has to be Manos: The Hands of Fate. The caretaker of the Master is Torgo, who has the most ridiculous theme song that plays when he walks. By taking this theme and throwing in sound bites from the movie I have made this.


Saturday, October 3, 2009

Halloween Is Here Again!

We need a Halloween song. Not Monster Mash, but something to get us into the haunting spirit. Something about ripping children apart and eating old people, and something that didn't come from a Tim Burton movie.

Oh well. I have many wonderful things in store for this year; pranks, movies, costumes, cannibalism, you name it! First article will be up as soon as I can finish some stupid work for a class I'm taking, after that I will present one of the best Halloween cartoons ever made! It's cheesy as hell, but I grew up with this every year and am surprised that I remember as much of it as I do.

Also, in the news, a zombie attack is becoming more and more likely as the University of Florida has now included how to handle a situation involving the reanimated dead. If only all schools would take the time to plan ahead and save lives.