Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Bat Guano: A Modest Review of The Dark Knight!

I never saw The Dark Knight until this afternoon on HBO. I’m not a huge Batman fan and never bothered to go to the theater for this movie. I am glad I didn’t. If I had to pay to see this massive steaming turd, I would have gladly killed myself with a plastic spoon.

The best scene in the entire movie was when Batman was attacked by ninjas with cowboy hats; he gets a lead pipe shot at a high velocity through his head only to regenerate and morph into a giant stripper who kills the ninjas with her tits. But this too sucks because it wasn’t part of the film, and was only what I fantasized while falling asleep watching The Dark Knight.

I could go on and on about how the plot was boring and recycled from every crime drama ever told, but then there’d have to be a plot to begin with. From what I saw, this entire movie was nothing but the Joker running around laughing like an inbred hick and making bomb threats with painfully tried and highly predictable twists: “Hey Batman, guess what, despite your best efforts the bomb was in another building!”

Whoever produced this travesty should be crucified for the terrible audio, lighting and special effects that have now made explosions even more uncool than Michael Bay did. Lighting can give a movie incredibly depth as seen in classic German films such as Metropolis and American noir films of the ‘30s and ‘40s. Putting everything in shadow except for one sliver of Batman’s mouth is moronic.

And does our hero really need to whisper? By Thor’s hammer, old movies never had this ridiculous, inaudible whispering to make a scene dramatic; acting did that. I know that Christian Bale has the personality of a stump, but I had to raise the volume on my TV half way whenever he spoke, then immediately drop it when someone started shooting a gun. The mixing on the audio was that terrible, and it’s not just The Dark Knight, but most modern movies that suffer from this bullshit, but this craptastic “adventure” seems to push this issue into a deeper crevasse than most so much so that you are better off watching this on mute and turning on subtitles. I take that back, you’re better off just not watching this at all.

A note to Hollywood: the death of an actor does not a movie make. Just because Heath Leger overdosed doesn’t make this a great flick. The reviews this turd sandwich got were almost all out of sympathy or bribery. There is not one great scene that will forever be remembered like the ending of Casablanca, or Darth Vader telling Luke Skywalker that he’s his father. There is nothing here that makes for a renown and eventually exhausted parody apart from wooden acting and a shitty story.

The ending sucked the most, since it was the most haphazardly spliced reel imaginable; it goes from a eulogy for Two Face, to Batman being chased by police, to Two Face's burial, back to a scene that looks like it came after the eulogy. I’ve vomited cheese curls with a more distinct pattern than that.

Don’t see The Dark Knight.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Clark Rockefeller, Who Cares?

Why the fuck was this ever a news story? The trial has finally ended and now a helicopter is watching as the prison van takes this retarded little con man to a maximum-security prison. From all that you’d think he was a serial murder, rapist, gang leader and racial extremist connected with terrorism. What did he do exactly? He violated his child custody.

That’s right, something people do all the time has gotten incredible media attention and has sent the culprit to a prison where they keep members of the Boston Mob, the prison in Concord would suit him just fine as what he did is something Average Joe Smith does all the time.

What makes this guy so special? Is because he used an alias? No, because gangsters all have those too and we rarely follow them to jail unless their crimes deserve some sort of attention. Was it because his alias had the name “Rockefeller”? Probably.

If we followed everyone heading to the clink and made offered “gavel to gavel” coverage for all child custody hearings, don’t you think someone would speak and say “Hey, this is stupid, show some real fucking news you mouth breathing hogs!”

Apparently all it takes to be a famous criminal now is taking your kid on a road trip on a day you don’t have visitation rights. So to all you drug dealers, child molesters/priests, killers and armed robbers, you all have to start trying a hell of a lot harder, or you’ll never reach the golden heights of crime that Clark Rockefeller did.

And to his wife, you are a stupid cow. How can you be married to someone for so many years and realize he hasn’t worked a day in his life and that you are bringing home all the bread? Wouldn’t you think that something’s up when this guy has no history, takes all your money, and lifts nothing more than his chest to breathe, which he probably has a servant for? You deserve to be jailed for your ignorance. If you worked for me you’d be out of a job right now for gullibility, lack of intellect and untrustworthiness. After all, how can I trust you working for my company if you are so easily conned by a guy who probably worked for Famous Poets?