Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Need Love? Suck on a Nice Hard Football!

I was going through my mailbox today since I haven’t checked it in ages and found this wonderfully written piece of hate mail for my 7 Reasons Why Football Sucks article:

ok you fucking fags im 14 and i dont care how old you FAGGETS are but football is a great sport and lots more of people like it than you COCKING SUCKING NEEERRRDDDSSSS...YOU FUCK HOLES are tryimg to say that football players are dumb wellll you all are the dumbs asses...football reqires good grades not bad ones...there for you must be smart to play football der der der whos the fuking dumb ass now,in fucking fact my G.P.A is a 3.8 and guess what im one of the cool kids and at my school you need over a 3.0 G.P.A to play football,hmmmmm i think thats an B thats a good grade.so if you think about it for a second u all just called me dumb...so your talking shit about me my team my district my state and my country AMERICA...so next time you want to call ME a dumb ass come say it to my face or you can come say it to my all of the highschools football players face wich are much stronger (im just gussing) but then all of you...(oh and p.s. your all just probly jelious you cant play your self or you just are a unathletic pice of shit who would rather watch family guy wich is funny but a fuking waste of time than go and watch a true americam sport...and the people that have such a shity pathetic life that they dont have eney thing better to do than go look this up and write a comment about it,the person who wrote this give me a palce to meat you and you can bring all of your fageet ass friends and il bring all of my smart BIG MUSCULER footbal players down and well so whos the dumb ass then...and if your a girl this dosent aply for you...HIGHLANDS RANCH HIGH SCHOOL ALL all the way bitch

I’m impressed. I’m impressed that a fourteen year old who is supposedly in high school can make 51 elementary spelling and grammar mistakes in one simple little paragraph and not still be in kindergarten. This speaks a world of this heavenly educational institute called Highlands Ranch High. It seems obvious to me that the only prerequisite needed to get into such a highly accredited establishment is to be able to walk and blink at the same time and fall no more than twice in the process.

You go on to defend how not all football players are mouth-breathing half-tards and send me a letter like this? Boy oh boy was I wrong about all mighty football players like yourself and your marvelous 3.8 GPA (notice the lack of periods after the letters), I must really be a “dumbs ass” and not nearly as absolutely cool as you, who’s coolness is so extreme you couldn’t even leave a name for your comment and left it anonymous. You are truly a hero, for your ability to play high school football is a tribute to your little school, district, state and even America itself. Tell that to our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, they should really give you a medal for being on par with them.

You also state that you need good grades to play football, sorry for being so mean and treating you like a simpleton. You make a good argument that you are indeed the top of your class and quite worthy to partake in meaningless high school sports. After all, how could I, a lowly Viking, compete with the incredible mind like yourself who cannot even spell American? But you must be right in some sense, for football is not a true American sport, so therefore, it must be the truest sport of whomever these mysterious “Americams” are.

I am so jealous of your athletic ability. You can run around and fight over a ball all day long while I am forever damned to be able to play the advanced pieces of Chopin and Liszt at my piano, hang out with a hot girlfriend, go to work producing and creating audio for video games and having little to no ability to score a touchdown. I am truly pitiful and my life is meaningless, I should hang myself. But you, you have a career ahead of you playing sports as a star athlete, for we all know that high school sports are the pinnacle of one’s life and future, and there is nothing but success for you in the days after you complete a liberal arts degree from a community college. Sure, that job of yours working at the local Market Basket sucks, but that’s just until graduation, right?

And I’ll gladly walk right up to you and any other high school football player and call them a dumbass. If they’re anything like you, it’ll be a full ten minutes before my words are successfully processed and I will have walked away before they realize the insult and they will be left to huddle around each other and play grab ass wondering what just happened. For the one slightly brighter member of the team (who’s light would barely be that of an old candle), what do I have to fear from a man wearing a plastic vest and helmet? He has a thick skull and stupid looking uniform. I have a sword. You can easily come to a logical conclusion on who would win, but I don’t want to wait ten years for your answer.