Thursday, December 31, 2009

Here Comes 2010!

Gods is it that time again already? Time to make plans on what we’ll change in the coming year, only to fall miles short and abandon all hope of ever doing so by the first of February. So once again, I’m gonna tell you what we all can expect in 2009! The future is here but are YOU ready? Let’s see!

In 2010…


I will post more than I did in the shitty year of 2009!

Michael Jackson will sing at the New Year's and admit that he faked his death (and will be subsequently crucified)!

Scientists will discover a secret vault in Egypt which connects them to Atlantis and the apocalypse in 2012!

Yemen will be invaded by the US, officially starting World War 3!

New images of Pluto will show that the demoted planet now has a fifty mile high monument of a middle finger pointing towards Earth!

Texas will secede from the US, but Mexico will in turn become a state!

China will once again pose a threat to world health!

The Olympics will blow!

The George W. Bush library will receive its only literature: 500 issues of MAD and one copy of The Pet Goat! (The MAD issues will be rejected due to satirical articles on the former president.)

American Idol will be cancelled! (I know said it last year, and I say it again. But a man can dream, can't he?)

There will be a sequel to Waterworld!

The Pope will reinstate the Holy Roman Empire and declare war on Islam (or to be a little more accurate, he will do this again)!

Everyone will stop fucking panicking over swine flu!

Smallpox will resurface! Whoops!

Pop Tarts will be linked to a rare form of brain rot!

The color blue will be outlawed after a comical Crip incident!

Aborted fetuses will rise against humanity, or just the Democrats!

Mars will invade Earth for its resources, only to find that humans have already used them all!

Jar Jar Binks will have his own movie. Oh, wait.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Ending Credits!

It has finally come. Today, at 1:45 P.M., I finished school forever! No more twenty or more pages of essays to write, no more bullshit research projects on the invention of the overhead projector, no more drunken idiots coming to class stinking of diarrhea and puking on the desks! Suck my gigantic balls Fitchburg State! Suck 'em good!


To commemorate this moment, here is a list of all the academic information I gained from FSC:




































Amazing! In my four and a half years of hell in this massive pile of dog shit, I have seen:

Girls in the nursing program too dumb to breathe and blink at once.

Kids who couldn't open a door because they were pushing instead of pulling.

A professor who showed up to a quarter of her classes and still graded us.

A history professor who used our input to write his own dissertation.

Staff members too dumb to close and lock the tailgate of their pickup truck, so they backed it into a concrete pole to solve the problem.

A gang war across the street from campus.

Two fires.

A junkie walking around campus yelling for security because "twenty kids took my dots!" (I had to report him to the campus police, so I know the details all too well).

A runaway horse.

Some fatass who sat on the same bench every day for 2 years smoking the cheapest cigars made, and who would confront anyone who dared go near "his bench".

The value of a textbook dwindle to 0.8132196994% of its original value.


So there it was. College. Anyone out there interested should avoid it at all costs. Save your money: if you get a job out of high school, even menial, the money you will have at the end of four years will be more than what your college graduate friends will have made in ten with inflation, depression and lack of employment.

Or better yet, steal.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Get a Leash, Idiot!

So yesterday I’m waiting to see my doctor about a brutal sinus infection I picked up thanks to overwork and eating a small pack of beef jerky as a full meal, which compromised my superhuman system. This overwork is also why I haven’t been able to please the masses with my work: two graduate level courses involving a 20 page for each has not been too enjoyable.

Anyways, as I was waiting, this little shit is playing with every goddamn thing in the room. He’s drooling on magazines dated from 2007, playing with potted plants and climbing on the table. Then he goes over to the trashcan and starts banging on it like an inbred chimp banging on a bongo, while high on meth. He’s flipping that lid around like I was preparing to flip the bird to his mother. What does she do? Just raises a finger in the air and whispers “no”. Great job, bitch. Does this stop the kid? No! Now he’s playing with the trash and purposely puts his bottle amongst the heaps of discarded tissues.

His mother finally gets off her ass and takes him away from the trashcan. But it just begins here! Now the kid is playing with light switches, and she is showing him how they are “magic” knobs that bring the light. Yeah, good one. Too bad he was more interested in the fucking fire alarm. Yes that’s right. This kid was playing with the fire alarm, and his mother was letting him! Just as he was about to pull it, she was move him away and laugh a little at her stupid game. They finally left when grandma came out of the adjoining dentist office and reeking of colostomy bag.

I don’t get it. Why do you morons want children so badly? You don’t bother to take care of them, and then blame their stupidity and ignorance on autism. It’s not hard to mistake the two. A kid who grows up without any human contact is all too likely to not be able to speak or have any form of human contact skills.

Doctors need to learn negligence from medical condition. There is no possible way for 1 in 166 people to be autistic. If you defend that then you defend bullshit. And you most likely believe that Iraq is crawling with weapons of mass destruction or that little elves live in your nose. I can prove that the autism epidemic is BS rather easily. My mother taught elementary school for 35 years and never once had an autistic student. Now before you tell me that they were in the special ed. rooms, keep in mind that those establishments are a new affair, and that my mother had plenty of special ed. kids despite being a traditional teacher.

In fact, there were at most, five children in her school system with autism. That is five out of 900 in just the elementary school alone! Totaled, there are about seventeen autistic students in the entire school system out of over 2000! That statistic of 1 in 166 is pure bullshit. If you don’t believe me you can look a the MCAS stats for Clinton, MA schools. Why? Because autistic students are exempt from them. If you total how many take it, versus how many are in the schools, you can easily see the real figure.

I don’t have access to the full student population so will use an estimated figure and take the seventeen autistic students to be taken from a rounded total population of 2000. This means that only 0.0085% of students in an average district are autistic. The numbers can be applied to larger or smaller districts as needed and I guarantee it will be the same.

0.0085 does not seem like 1 in 166 to me. Even if you take into consideration people in the work force and other non school establishments, the figure does not change greatly. The fact that we are functioning (if you can call humanity functioning at all) in any sense, proves that the majority of mankind is not autistic as this rectal mined figure makes it seem.

You are all idiots. Get a leash for your kids and teach them something other than “Vote or Die”, or “White Power” or “Get me a fucking beer!”

Friday, October 30, 2009

The Pumpkin Who Couldn't Smile!

The world is filled with great mysteries; what happens after you die? How did the universe form? How can your feet smell if they don't have a nose? But one stands out more than others; what do you do if a boy needs a pumpkin, and a pumpkin needs a boy?


Well, way back in 1979 this question was finally answered by Chuck Jones in his animated film, The Pumpkin Who Couldn't Smile. This is a simple story starring Raggedy Ann and Andy who vow to help a little boy get a pumpkin for Halloween. His stuffed up aunt refuses to get him one, or even let him out trick or treating. What a horrible, wrinkled bitch.

Well, it just so happens that one pumpkin is sitting all by himself on top of the hill. This pumpkin has a lot of issues since he was carved sad, and he can't stop crying seed tears, which forces his only potential friend (a field mouse) to move away. Kind of a goth pumpkin I guess only he doesn't mutilate himself. Actually, I take that back. He does go on and on and on about how he could have been more usefully be being baked into a pie, so maybe he is a little suicidal.

I could detail the adventure, but I can't post images right now :(. I did however find the whole movie available for your viewing pleasure onlinee. Be sure to see the happy ending! And no, not that kind!

So without further ado, here is The Pumpkin Who Couldn't Smile! Also, this is my 100th article, hooray for Halloween and milestones!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Shitty Costume Ideas 2009!

With Halloween only days away, costumes are sparse and undoubtedly poor quality. Which is why I will probably go to the local stores and see what tripe I can turn up. But anyways, for those of you rushing to make a last minute outfit, here are some horrible ideas that will more than likely get you crucified, gutted and given away as treats!


Swine Flu

While dressing up as a pig with a thermometer and surgical mask may seem fun, you are forgetting one important aspect of swine flu: it’s not fucking scary. I can continue to go on about its low mortality rate, paranoia and propaganda but why bother? Anyone that worried about a dipshit flu is probably afraid they may catch something over the internet. Idiots.


Falcon the Balloon Boy

A couple of weeks ago, a little dolt fooled the world that he was flying around in a homemade balloon and set rescuers into a panic when the basket he was allegedly in fell off. The little shit was safely at home, not getting beaten by his parents like any other kid in his situation would. Only a moron would dress up like one, only in a balloon. Oh I’m sure your giant aluminum foil bubble is amazing but you are better off pitching it to half-assed television channels (e.g. Lifetime) to make into a movie: Falcon: On the Wings of a Tard.


Zombie Michael Jackson

Too soon man, it’s too soon. Same with Billy Mays, and the dozens of other dead celebrities.


Unintentional Nazi

Many times I have seen people dressed as good ol’ Charlie Chaplin. Every once in a while there’s someone who ends up slicking back their hair for style purposes, wears a fancy brown coat due to weather and dons the toothbrush moustache. I remember Mrs. Bernstein didn’t approve too much of that case.


A Vampire

Vampires suck. Haha, LOLZ!!11!one. See what I did there. But seriously, Twilight has forever destroyed what Brams Stoker and Nosferatu have worked so hard to create. You probably won’t be able to fight real vampires in Castlevania anymore thanks to the pussification of their kind. Just what I want to do; whip the piss out of a sensitive near-goth kid with parental issues that isn’t popular even though he shops at Hot Topic. Please, throw that shit away. Actually, now I really do want go whip the piss out of one of those fake vampire morons.


Sumo Wrestler

Over half of America dresses up as this on a daily basis. No thanks.


A Girl Whose Dressed as a Guy Whose Dressed as Sailor Moon

Now I enjoy some animes such as Bleach, YuYu Hakusho, Death Note, Fullmetal Alchemist and anything else with a great story of drama or fantasy. But Sailor Moon sucks. What sucks harder are Otakus, these are the anime obsessed who cosplay on a daily basis and make normal people like me look bad. Now there are many images of men dressing up as anime women, but a girl dressing as a guy dressing as woman? Now you’re just getting silly.


Yourself

Only lamos do this. When I would decorate my house with a miniature Spooky World on the front lawn, we always had 7th graders out trick-or-treating (who says there’s an age limit?) and they would always go as themselves. Wow, real scary. The only way this can be frightening is if these kids are about to pull a Columbine or a selling drugs on the school grounds. Someone better tell the school’s police officer if you see these idiots. At least you can have them arrested for no originality. Dweebs.


So that about wraps up this year’s list. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to do many posts this Halloween season thanks to two 20-page term papers, excessive projects, and preparing to move out of the shit hole that is Massachusetts less than a year from now. Oh well, nothing is as scary as life!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Torgo: The Remix!

As I said in my first post of the month, we need a true Halloween theme. Well my friends and fiends, I have made that very song! From my posts last year, you know that I am a huge fan of bad movies and one of the worst has to be Manos: The Hands of Fate. The caretaker of the Master is Torgo, who has the most ridiculous theme song that plays when he walks. By taking this theme and throwing in sound bites from the movie I have made this.


Enjoy!

video

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Halloween Is Here Again!

We need a Halloween song. Not Monster Mash, but something to get us into the haunting spirit. Something about ripping children apart and eating old people, and something that didn't come from a Tim Burton movie.


Oh well. I have many wonderful things in store for this year; pranks, movies, costumes, cannibalism, you name it! First article will be up as soon as I can finish some stupid work for a class I'm taking, after that I will present one of the best Halloween cartoons ever made! It's cheesy as hell, but I grew up with this every year and am surprised that I remember as much of it as I do.

Also, in the news, a zombie attack is becoming more and more likely as the University of Florida has now included how to handle a situation involving the reanimated dead. If only all schools would take the time to plan ahead and save lives.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Entering the Terrible Twos!

I can't really say much for accomplishments. I took a very long series of hiatuses as several colleagues of mine entered the realm of Valhalla earlier this year making work on a humor website very difficult. I did receive more hate mail than last year, so I guess that's something, and it was all about football on top of it.


I will be adding to this post a list of my greatest articles ever later today. No mere feat considering that all of them are the greatest.

Halloween this year will be much bigger than last year, complete with a pumpkin carving article that did I sadly ran out of time for last year, and my pumpkin suffered a sever case of rump rot, making it unusable before the big day. Also, a huge prank is planned for the members of Fitchburg State, so prepare for pictures!

I should be emperor.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Birthday Present to Krowness Chronicles!

I got a wonderful gift today. It wasn't a severed Saxon head or anything nearly as awesome as that. But it came just in time for the second birthday of Krowness Chronicles:


This is my certificate of copyright; I now own the name Krowness, Krowness the Viking, Krowness Chronicles, and all writing, images, video and anything else I create! Nobody can use the name Krowness anymore, unless they pay me a royalty, and I have written proof from the United States copyright office of it!

I know a few assholes were using my name, one on NeoPets and claimed it was his own copyright (his "Krowness" was a fucking furry, retard). He is now, by law, subject to criminal prosecution for using that name. Take that you teenage bastard. I have just proven how much I rule. Report any uses of the name Krowness to me immediately, so I can either sue them or force them to pay me royalties. Unless of course, it happens to be your last name or something.

It's the law now, bitch!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

College: Where the Stupid Things Are!

I'm taking an online course in American frontier history. Nothing special, just a crappy Blackboard server and poorly written books but what should I expect from Fitchburg State, perfumed shit? Well, I have to post replies to discussions on the topics, this week on how the American colonists changed the history of the Native Americans, and I came across this. I have left it anonymous, and you will soon see why:


It is with out a doubt that the settlers of the 16th Century had a huge impact on the Native American peoples. They arrived from Europe with intentions on opening trade, then became very greedy in the pursuit of natural resources and land fro setting up settlements. Not only did they exploit these native peoples but also brought with them the many epidemics of Europe. Not knowing that the live stock that they brought with them contained many epidemics such as the small pox and the measles to name a few. The Indians gave the settlers syphilis or other wise known as Yaws. This exchange of epidemics cause hundreds of fatalities more so on the Indian side than on the settlers side.
The indians were then forced to move further inland coming unannounced onto other tribes land, this in turn causing inner turmoil with-in the indian culture. Indian tribes began to merge there tribes in hopes that they would be left alone. Their out look on this growing issue was just let the settles be, we have plenty of land. As time went on the settlers became more and more greedy. The direct result of this event caused many of the newly formed tribes to begin raiding other tribes for food and other necessities as well as women. The settlers caused a melt down which began a war known as the Native American community War of Independence.

This is the absolute dumbest thing I have ever read from a college student. And to make it worse, when you leave out my three page analysis (with proper citations), this is the fucking best post! The rest are all one sentence answers that simply state "The settlers brought disease LOL!!!1one".

Sure, I could rant about how nearly everything in this is wrong, like the fact that the primary interest in the Americas was gold and a shorter voyage to Asia, that millions were killed by epidemics in the Great Dying, or that the Native American Community War of Independence isn't fucking real.

I'm sadly not making this up. I work my ass off at anything I do, and will probably end up in a box while this finger sniffing jackass winds up as the President of the United States. I have to put up with idiocy like this on a daily basis, whether it be from people on the road thinking they can shave, read and drive at once, or from students who never got past a kindergarten reading level. If you were to have them read "Dick sees Jane. Jane sees Spot. Dick and Jane run around with Spot", the average peer would undoubtably narrate it as such:

"Dick, haha, it says dick."

By Thor's Hammer can't the Apocalypse just for once be real so I don't have to put up with this shit anymore? But no, we get this ridiculous Idiocalypse instead. Good one.

Friday, September 4, 2009

The Best Time of the Year Has Begun!

It is now September, and you know what that means? That's right, Halloween is right around the corner! I was lucky enough to get into a costume store on the first and they are stock full of shitty costumes, inappropriate celebrity masks and other such oh so fun stuff!


It seems that the big item for trick or treat bags this year is Batman heads leftover from The Dark Knight a few years back. But upon asking the cashier, he said that Michael Jackson would be the prize costume. And to think, I thought Rorschach would hold that title thanks to the Watchmen movie. Oh well.

This month also marks two years of Krowness Chronicles. TWO FUCKING YEARS! And here I thought I was going to destroy this site once the class I made if for was over. To celebrate, I will list the most popular articles of all time, and of course, that means football, and a lot of pissed off, imbecile football fans who cannot see that this is a satire site.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

More Football Fans? Bring It On Bagboys!

Jim said...

You guys are all fucking faggots who failed at life and blame all problems on "society" instead of realizing you're just an unmasculne loser with no life/sex appeal.

Football is the most physically demanding and manly sport ever. Not to mention strategic. As for your list, you appear to have little understanding of the game itself, focusing only on the commercial, stereotypical, and irrelevant aspects of football such as the advertisements and the "Stolen name"

I played tight end and linebacker on my high school's team, with great grades. I seriously pray for you guys to get lives and stop being jealous of those stronger than you.

I just love how all you football fans claim I'm using stereotypical aspects of the sport when you all easily fit my last point; overreaction. This is a humor website. Jim here has apparently missed the point.

I don't care if you played football in high school. What are you doing now? Something meaningless no doubt as you laid the groundwork for a life of mixing concrete. And what is with calling those who disagree with you "faggots"? Bigoted, homophobic slurs have no place in arguments, nice try Hitler.

You are right though, I have little understanding of the game, and do you know why? Because it's stupid and it sucks. Most manly and demanding sport ever? Ask the ancient Greeks, I think you must be thinking of wrestling and boxing. Or how about the Romans with Gladiator games? Now that is man at its most man. I’d like to see a pussy like you face off against a lion. If I want strategy I will read up on Patton, Eisenhower, Sherman, Attila the Hun, Blackbeard and other real men who did more for their world than throw a ball around; even if what they did was a spree of bloodshed and pillage, which by all accounts is totally awesome.

And who ever said I was jealous? I am a 210 pound muscular Viking bastard. I could kick your ass up and down a football field and skewer you with my sword if I so felt like it. I never once claimed jealousy over a bunch of steroid guzzling gorillas with a collective IQ of 2. So what you got good grades? It was high school. Anyone with basic life skills can hold a freaking good grade in high school. Especially when your math teacher is also your coach; makes something like pre-calculus all the easier. And let's not forget how that D you got in home economics also helped.

I have already ranted about how I have a life and I happen to have great sex appeal. Just ask any of my girlfriends. Not bad for one you would consider a “nerd” or “geek”.

Now get off your computer, and get back to your life at the local Market Basket. Maybe you can be a manager someday.

Monday, July 27, 2009

More Football Love!

Recently, I once again received hate mail on how much I suck for hating a shitty overblown sport like football:

Milkie said...

Alright each and every one of you need a quick reality check outside of your overly self obsessed and seemingly sadnnening lives. 



1. Teddy Bear- What sort of name is that anyways? Firstly no one wants to hear about your pittiful life story of how you were physically inferior to the other normal children and therfore could not participate in the rutine activities. Also teachers now days are stricly forbidden by law to distract from the duties and teachers for extra cariculars such as football. Plus you are not special simply becasue you learned to read at a young age. We all can fucking read.



2. who ever wrote this rant apparently has a boxed in veiw of themselves compared to society. Let me ask you. What are the bare essnsials that will always do well even in a troubled economy like what we are in now. Food, transportation, and ENTERTAINMENT. profesional and collage football is a means of cheap entertainment that most of the country enjoys, and if you have a problem with it running over your regualr programming then change the fucking channel dip shit because theres about a hundred million other people enjoying that same show around the country. 



3. Where did these pro players start out at? As kids they took and intrest in somthing and foolowed through with it which is what the youth of today is doing as well. Just becasue you live a normal dead end life does not give you the right to deminish what others have done. You talk about eduacation and the progrssion of today's youth then take a look at what participation in an active and physical sprt will do. It simply and without a doubt helps children and teens, and as a prduct of that gives people a chance to further their opportunities in life.


4. get a life loser

Why thank you Mikie! You certainly make a good point. It’s so nice to see you attacking other people on my comments page, just because they were unable to play meaningless high school sports. Not that some people, like myself, were/are severely asthmatic and cannot push themselves to run around a field for no purpose at all or may have a physical injury, that doesn’t matter does it. Not at all, after all, the handicapped and chronically ill are just morons who aren’t cool enough and deserve to be socially ostracized.

And to answer your second point, yes I do have a boxed in view of life. I see life as a meaningful adventure, not a fleeting moment of glory over a rubber ball. Also, if you haven’t noticed, I wrote this article a year before the economy tanked, in 2007. Yes, we were heading down that road thanks to the worst president ever, but it didn’t hit for another year. Check the dates, dumbass. But since when is football a source of cheap entertainment? With the average ticket costing close to $700 and thanks to digital transition blowing more money into TVs and converter boxes, how is this inexpensive? Do you even know how much the average football player makes? Yeah, real cheap. Frankly, I don’t care if a lot of people are watching football either. Lots of flies eat shit. Are you going to jump on that bandwagon too?

And in your third point, you want to know where these “pros” started out? The answer is in the fucking classroom! Who taught them how to read, or write, or tie their shoes, or how to fucking speak? Teachers. Not some mouth-breathing coach who takes pictures of his team in the showers. And how about anyone with a career? They also “foolowed” through with their dreams. A kid who enjoyed programming studied computer science and is now a software engineer (who subsequently lost his job to a guy in China). You brag about how "we all can fucking read" yet do not credit the teachers that made that possible, but then again, your letter proves that you cannot.

Thank you for that input. My dead end life must really be getting to me. You see, I work in the video game industry, writing soundtracks for introductions, themes for characters, battles, levels, achievements, etc. All the monotony and depressing lows of working with the next hit for Wii, or Xbox or PC really shows how horrible my life is.

There is nothing that participation in a sport brings to today’s youth. It’s too expensive to partake in athletics, and as you have mentioned, with the shitty Bush-tanked economy, we need to focus on what matters and not blow our money away. That means sports should be the first on the chopping block. While you may have attended a school were it was not proper to push sports, I did. Our MCAS scores, which were and are always abysmal, were nothing compared to what the local football team accomplished (for those who don’t know, the MCAS are a mandatory Massachusetts standardized test). We may lose our principals (which we are) due to low tests, but who cares; the team won a few games!

Sports do nothing but fuel anger and aggression in children, and schools and parents encourage it. And Doom and Duke Nukem are the ones taking the heat for youth violence. Please.

I’d get a life, but I already have one. I already mentioned my work as a video game composer, and this is from doing exactly what you said; I followed (sorry, I meant “foolowed”) through with my dreams and goals. Sports aren’t the only things that you can succeed in. If so, there’d be a lot more professional athletes and less bag boys at the grocery store.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Racism and FOX: A Match Made in Heaven!

Just by looking at the title of the article, you probably already know where I'm going. Last week, Fox and Friends had a segment on a connection between Alzheimer's and marriage, and it quickly became an issue of pure genes, countries of origin as species classification and master races. I created this video as a reaction to this epic example of bullshit:

video

FOX Broadcasting, it's Hitlerific!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Drunken Caller!

Last night I was kept up until sunrise because of a drunken little fuck calling my cell phone. I was pissed as all hell but decided to have some fun with him and recorded his calls and my answers to his absolutely unthoughtful, slurred and simply moronic sentences that border on schizophasia (word salad).

While I suspect that this may have been a friend of mine using a soundboard to crank call me, she denies it so I have to hold by that. Most of my suspicion comes from the fact that many phrases you will hear in these four videos sound like they came from Napoleon Dynamite and other assorted films.

Oh well, but this is still funny as all hell.

video

video

video

video

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Bat Guano: A Modest Review of The Dark Knight!

I never saw The Dark Knight until this afternoon on HBO. I’m not a huge Batman fan and never bothered to go to the theater for this movie. I am glad I didn’t. If I had to pay to see this massive steaming turd, I would have gladly killed myself with a plastic spoon.

The best scene in the entire movie was when Batman was attacked by ninjas with cowboy hats; he gets a lead pipe shot at a high velocity through his head only to regenerate and morph into a giant stripper who kills the ninjas with her tits. But this too sucks because it wasn’t part of the film, and was only what I fantasized while falling asleep watching The Dark Knight.

I could go on and on about how the plot was boring and recycled from every crime drama ever told, but then there’d have to be a plot to begin with. From what I saw, this entire movie was nothing but the Joker running around laughing like an inbred hick and making bomb threats with painfully tried and highly predictable twists: “Hey Batman, guess what, despite your best efforts the bomb was in another building!”

Whoever produced this travesty should be crucified for the terrible audio, lighting and special effects that have now made explosions even more uncool than Michael Bay did. Lighting can give a movie incredibly depth as seen in classic German films such as Metropolis and American noir films of the ‘30s and ‘40s. Putting everything in shadow except for one sliver of Batman’s mouth is moronic.

And does our hero really need to whisper? By Thor’s hammer, old movies never had this ridiculous, inaudible whispering to make a scene dramatic; acting did that. I know that Christian Bale has the personality of a stump, but I had to raise the volume on my TV half way whenever he spoke, then immediately drop it when someone started shooting a gun. The mixing on the audio was that terrible, and it’s not just The Dark Knight, but most modern movies that suffer from this bullshit, but this craptastic “adventure” seems to push this issue into a deeper crevasse than most so much so that you are better off watching this on mute and turning on subtitles. I take that back, you’re better off just not watching this at all.

A note to Hollywood: the death of an actor does not a movie make. Just because Heath Leger overdosed doesn’t make this a great flick. The reviews this turd sandwich got were almost all out of sympathy or bribery. There is not one great scene that will forever be remembered like the ending of Casablanca, or Darth Vader telling Luke Skywalker that he’s his father. There is nothing here that makes for a renown and eventually exhausted parody apart from wooden acting and a shitty story.

The ending sucked the most, since it was the most haphazardly spliced reel imaginable; it goes from a eulogy for Two Face, to Batman being chased by police, to Two Face's burial, back to a scene that looks like it came after the eulogy. I’ve vomited cheese curls with a more distinct pattern than that.

Don’t see The Dark Knight.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Clark Rockefeller, Who Cares?

Why the fuck was this ever a news story? The trial has finally ended and now a helicopter is watching as the prison van takes this retarded little con man to a maximum-security prison. From all that you’d think he was a serial murder, rapist, gang leader and racial extremist connected with terrorism. What did he do exactly? He violated his child custody.

That’s right, something people do all the time has gotten incredible media attention and has sent the culprit to a prison where they keep members of the Boston Mob, the prison in Concord would suit him just fine as what he did is something Average Joe Smith does all the time.

What makes this guy so special? Is because he used an alias? No, because gangsters all have those too and we rarely follow them to jail unless their crimes deserve some sort of attention. Was it because his alias had the name “Rockefeller”? Probably.

If we followed everyone heading to the clink and made offered “gavel to gavel” coverage for all child custody hearings, don’t you think someone would speak and say “Hey, this is stupid, show some real fucking news you mouth breathing hogs!”

Apparently all it takes to be a famous criminal now is taking your kid on a road trip on a day you don’t have visitation rights. So to all you drug dealers, child molesters/priests, killers and armed robbers, you all have to start trying a hell of a lot harder, or you’ll never reach the golden heights of crime that Clark Rockefeller did.

And to his wife, you are a stupid cow. How can you be married to someone for so many years and realize he hasn’t worked a day in his life and that you are bringing home all the bread? Wouldn’t you think that something’s up when this guy has no history, takes all your money, and lifts nothing more than his chest to breathe, which he probably has a servant for? You deserve to be jailed for your ignorance. If you worked for me you’d be out of a job right now for gullibility, lack of intellect and untrustworthiness. After all, how can I trust you working for my company if you are so easily conned by a guy who probably worked for Famous Poets?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Need Love? Suck on a Nice Hard Football!

I was going through my mailbox today since I haven’t checked it in ages and found this wonderfully written piece of hate mail for my 7 Reasons Why Football Sucks article:

ok you fucking fags im 14 and i dont care how old you FAGGETS are but football is a great sport and lots more of people like it than you COCKING SUCKING NEEERRRDDDSSSS...YOU FUCK HOLES are tryimg to say that football players are dumb wellll you all are the dumbs asses...football reqires good grades not bad ones...there for you must be smart to play football der der der whos the fuking dumb ass now,in fucking fact my G.P.A is a 3.8 and guess what im one of the cool kids and at my school you need over a 3.0 G.P.A to play football,hmmmmm i think thats an B thats a good grade.so if you think about it for a second u all just called me dumb...so your talking shit about me my team my district my state and my country AMERICA...so next time you want to call ME a dumb ass come say it to my face or you can come say it to my all of the highschools football players face wich are much stronger (im just gussing) but then all of you...(oh and p.s. your all just probly jelious you cant play your self or you just are a unathletic pice of shit who would rather watch family guy wich is funny but a fuking waste of time than go and watch a true americam sport...and the people that have such a shity pathetic life that they dont have eney thing better to do than go look this up and write a comment about it,the person who wrote this give me a palce to meat you and you can bring all of your fageet ass friends and il bring all of my smart BIG MUSCULER footbal players down and well so whos the dumb ass then...and if your a girl this dosent aply for you...HIGHLANDS RANCH HIGH SCHOOL ALL all the way bitch

I’m impressed. I’m impressed that a fourteen year old who is supposedly in high school can make 51 elementary spelling and grammar mistakes in one simple little paragraph and not still be in kindergarten. This speaks a world of this heavenly educational institute called Highlands Ranch High. It seems obvious to me that the only prerequisite needed to get into such a highly accredited establishment is to be able to walk and blink at the same time and fall no more than twice in the process.

You go on to defend how not all football players are mouth-breathing half-tards and send me a letter like this? Boy oh boy was I wrong about all mighty football players like yourself and your marvelous 3.8 GPA (notice the lack of periods after the letters), I must really be a “dumbs ass” and not nearly as absolutely cool as you, who’s coolness is so extreme you couldn’t even leave a name for your comment and left it anonymous. You are truly a hero, for your ability to play high school football is a tribute to your little school, district, state and even America itself. Tell that to our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, they should really give you a medal for being on par with them.

You also state that you need good grades to play football, sorry for being so mean and treating you like a simpleton. You make a good argument that you are indeed the top of your class and quite worthy to partake in meaningless high school sports. After all, how could I, a lowly Viking, compete with the incredible mind like yourself who cannot even spell American? But you must be right in some sense, for football is not a true American sport, so therefore, it must be the truest sport of whomever these mysterious “Americams” are.

I am so jealous of your athletic ability. You can run around and fight over a ball all day long while I am forever damned to be able to play the advanced pieces of Chopin and Liszt at my piano, hang out with a hot girlfriend, go to work producing and creating audio for video games and having little to no ability to score a touchdown. I am truly pitiful and my life is meaningless, I should hang myself. But you, you have a career ahead of you playing sports as a star athlete, for we all know that high school sports are the pinnacle of one’s life and future, and there is nothing but success for you in the days after you complete a liberal arts degree from a community college. Sure, that job of yours working at the local Market Basket sucks, but that’s just until graduation, right?

And I’ll gladly walk right up to you and any other high school football player and call them a dumbass. If they’re anything like you, it’ll be a full ten minutes before my words are successfully processed and I will have walked away before they realize the insult and they will be left to huddle around each other and play grab ass wondering what just happened. For the one slightly brighter member of the team (who’s light would barely be that of an old candle), what do I have to fear from a man wearing a plastic vest and helmet? He has a thick skull and stupid looking uniform. I have a sword. You can easily come to a logical conclusion on who would win, but I don’t want to wait ten years for your answer.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

You're Gross, Take a Shower!

Last week when I was in my world civilizations class, a girl sitting next to me asked the one behind me if she had dyed her hair, noticing a distinct difference in color. She replied to her friend with this: "No, I just washed it."


Am I the only one who sees a problem here? When you haven't showered in so long that your clean hair looks like it was dyed, you are possibly the absolute nastiest person on Earth, and possibly across space and time. This brings me to my point; we need to start offering courses on the basics of hygiene in college.

I have the unpleasant experience of sitting next to guys who's age is higher than their IQs and who shower maybe once a year, and they most likely do this by standing in a thunderstorm with a bar of soap from the 1930s, if they used soap at all.

We need to start hunting down these stinky bastards and force them to wash with a fire hose, which would just barely begin to scratch the crud off their mold covered flesh. Fucking take a shower you hog.