Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Here Comes 2009!

Gods is it that time again already? Time to make plans on what we’ll change in the coming year, only to fall miles short and abandon all hope of ever doing so by the first of February. So once again, I’m gonna tell you what we all can expect in 2009! The future is here but are YOU ready? Let’s see!

In 2009…

The Great Turkey King Gobblegus will lead millions of fowl to march against humanity!

The Rapture will at last occur, but much to the dismay of evangelical Christians, only the Scientologists will be saved!

The Star Wars Holiday Special will be released on DVD!

The Simpsons will finally be cancelled after years of being shitty!

Guns n’ Roses will make an official apology to the world for how craptastic Chinese Democracy is!

Movies will start to be entertaining again and the piss poor remakes and spoof films will end under a new federal law!

Sarah the Stupid will drift into obscurity, never to be seen, heard, smelt, felt or touched again, thanks be to Odin!

Apple will release a new iPod that allows users to murder over a distance as part of an exiting downloadable game!

Aliens will land at the Crawford Ranch for the sole purpose of mooning former President Bush! (Doesn’t that sound awesome? FORMER President Bush.)

Chicken eggs will hatch mutant dinosaur-humans that will war with homo-sapiens until we are wiped out!

The South will rise again!

American Idol will rack in the lowest ratings in television history, finally canceling the show!

Another childhood hero will be raped when Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Michael Bay unite to film a live action version of Thundercats!

Bread lines will come back in style!

Science will reveal that women do in fact lack an anus until marriage!

Disco will be revived!

Smiling and laughter will be linked to cancer!

God will be assassinated by radical atheist liberals!

Nachos will be found to cure migraines!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The Viking Santa Tracker!

It’s Christmas Eve, hooza! It is only a matter of time now before a bumbling fat ass comes to visit your home. No, no. I’m not talking about Uncle Bud or Didlin’ Dick, it’s Santa silly! Here at Krowness Chronicles, we have been diligently tracking the sleigh, much to NORAD’s chagrin and we are currently watching him as he…

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know how to say this, but we have lost Santa on our radar. He was just heading over Russia, Land of Communism, when he disappeared! Our maintenance has just arrived to check for any problems in our top of the line Pro American computer systems. Just let me go over and… what? It’s functioning properly?! Then, SANTA!!!1one!

It appears that evil Russians have shot down Santa Claus in an area just outside of Moscow, Center of Communism. Safelight images are coming through as we… oh sweet Jesus. Parents, we here at Krowness Chronicles would now like to encourage you to send the little ones to bed, the news, it’s, it’s just too horrible. Go on, get them out of here! Ladies and gentlemen, I am now looking at the site where Santa was shot down. We can’t make out much, but it seems that all of the reindeer are dead. Their antlers… their antlers have intestines strung about them like blood soaked garland. I can see the faint glow of Rudolf’s severed nose... his… his head is rolling away from the body as I speak!

I’m getting a better image of Santa now. He’s moving! He’s getting out of the sleigh and has just fallen to the ground. From what I see he is missing both legs and an arm. He is pushing himself through the snow like a gigantic slug. There seems to be a fire in the sled now… and… OH MY GOD, THE SLEIGH HAS JUST EXPLODED! Santa’s been thrown through the air and has been impaled on the antlers of his reindeer. Oh the humanity! Russian guards are now approaching the site. They… they are open firing on what remains of Santa Claus.

Ladies and gentlemen, this reporter does not know how to say it, but Santa Claus… is no more. Wait. No. It can’t be! These are not Russian’s at all. They are in fact, Waffle Forces from Great Breakfastdom! Jesus Mary and Whoever That Other Fiction Character Is, they have struck back at us by killing Santa Claus! These seem to be terrorists bent on rebuilding their fallen empire.

We shall not let this stand! By Thor’s Hammer we shall have our revenge for the death of Santa!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Season's Greetings and Bizarre Japanese Videos!

It's that time of year again, when Christians parade around about a war on Christmas that is just as mythological as their deity and we all get to stuff our faces with more turkey, candy and turkey while avoiding a tragic accident involving a tree and one's rectum. While I've only been electrocuted twice this year while putting up the lights, it's still been quite fun and festive so far. I'm planning a trip to the wondrous world of the mall soon to so I can meet THE man. That's right, Santa Claus! I hear he's coming to the local shopping center, and I just HAVE to get a picture of me with him!

Moving away from the ideas of Christmas, I have recently come across a cartoon from Japan that puts our educational animations to shame. This is probably the most hilarious potty training video on the planet:

If you can watch a mere three seconds of this without pissing yourself laughing than you sir are a better man than I.