Saturday, November 29, 2008

Jocks: The Pinnacle of Human Evolution!

I was reading the news on bullshit AOL today when I noticed an article that pissed me off just from the title ($6 Million Tutoring Center for Jocks Only). Apparently at the University of Illinois a special tutoring center has opened so that jocks can get some much needed help in school. At first I thought, "That's a great idea! We need centers for these dumbasses to learn how to speak, walk, read, perform basic mathematical operations and a crash course in how to say 'Do you want fries with that?' so that these unnecessary sacks of meat can earn a basic living."


Then I saw that this center is free for athletes, and off limits to all others. That's right, the graphic designer or computer scientist who work 58 hours a week at both of their jobs to pay for school also have to pay for tutoring as part of their tuition, but someone who can throw a ball gets it for free. Not only that, but these special jock centers come equipped with top of the line leather recliners, high definition plasma screen TVs, Wii and a horde of bullshit that won't help you in school.

The only reason these tutoring centers can be opened is because the athletic departments sponsor them, even though they are only open to roughly 0.014% of the average university's population. Proponents claim that these dumbass facilities are to "help students for life after sports" because "they all think they will turn pro". Wake up. There is no life after sports for these idiots. They get jobs at Shaw's and play catch with boxes and invent improvised versions of basketball with soup cans instead of mopping the aisles or stocking the shelves proving that jocks have an IQ somewhere between that of a chimp and creationist.

Why do we let this happen? Why do we treat these brain dead mouth breathers like they created the universe and everyday deserve praise just for allowing us to live? To make it worse, one of the jocks interviewed for this news article was talking about how he needed this so he didn't watch TV instead of studying for his science major. What kind of science can a jock ever hope to major in? Sociology? Please. Like you could handle genetic sequencing, gravity and time relations or even begin to grasp the uncertainty principle like people who study real fields of science.

The most science you will ever use is how much air to put in a fucking ball while you run a gym class at the local high school for the rest of your life until you get arrested for getting too close to the male students. 

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Let’s Exploit the Handicapped!

Vroom! Here they come, Arthur’s coming up alongside Edie and, oh, she’s smashed into the wall! Throw a caution flag! Oh no, she’s on fire! I haven’t seen a race like this since ’89 I tell you what. And here comes the ambulance!

Wouldn’t it be fun if I were talking about something like a demolition derby or formula one race? Yeah, if you were a redneck, it would be. But sadly, this is not the case. The above scenario is a race between people who use wheelchairs.

Before you get on your high horses and start sending me hate mail for being a cruel son of a bitch, this is not my idea. This is in fact what one wheelchair company has actually done in a sense to advertise their product. The culprit: Hoveround. The ad in question is below:



This commercial has been around for quite some time, originally airing with “I Get Around” as the jingle. But the synchronized dancing, disabled old citizens en mass riding around a mall like a NASCAR track and through the park like a train made me sick the minute I first saw this commercial. What surprises me more is that nobody has complained, especially for a nation stupid enough to mistake baby talk for “Islam is the light” and subsequently go burn and boycott FisherPrice toys.

To add insult, the comments these ads have on YouTube all have over 35 thumbs up reviews and are all making fun of the people who have to rely on wheelchairs for personal transportation. Yet if you say something like “Jesus is imaginary” or “Bush sucks” you’ll be blasted off the site in a matter of minutes. Does anyone else see a problem here? You can blatantly make fun of the disabled with no retribution, but constructive criticism will get you blocked, hung and labeled “traitor”.

What makes it worse is that Hoveround is the one making these commercials appealing to slack jawed freaks just so they do laugh. Way to go, you supply people with something they need and kick them in the ass while you do it defending yourself with “they can’t feel it anyway lol!”

Why do we need commercials that exploit the handicapped like this? Why don’t we have one where a bunch of Vikings in wheelchairs go beat the shit out of a bunch of school kids? That way, you show the world that disabled people are still capable of living well, and can still kick your ass all the way to Ragnarok.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Holy Shit, Another Famous Poets Update!

Back in September (I held this off for the Halloween posts), I was going through my mail and shredding the onslaught of Capital One cards I get every other day when a letter caught my attention. It was printed on stiff paper and covered in official seals and colored gold. "Hey, I must have just won the Russian lottery again" I thought, then I saw that it was once again from Famous Poets, this time under the guise of Friendly Poets, saying I won honorable mention for my poem, “The Viking Wrath”.

Now, this poem was a literary abortion with purposely included spelling and grammar errors, yet there is not one mention of polishing it up, apparently writing like an inbred twat is good enough to be a famous poet. Just in case you haven’t read it, or are just tuning in, here is a copy of “The Viking Wrath”:

I'm tough, that's right

I'm very tough, that's right.
I conqoured a town today,
Vikings raid, and cities burn.
Tehy took our children
our money and life.
We fight and will ride
for Odin's sake to reaclaim
our stolen pride.
Riding while we're lsot,
until we die,
Viking ghosts.

Once more, I highlighted the errors in red, and will make mention that I mostly ripped the verses off from various Dethklok songs (The Lost Vikings and Face Fisted mostly). You can get the idea just by looking at the images below.

Now, I included scans of the entire package and will share the titles of the so called winners, since after all, this awesome pile of dog shit I wrote is only honorable mention. Assholes don’t know genius when they see it, those ungrateful fucks. Unfortunately, the size of the text and running ink (from a poor printer in some guys house, and not a big manufacturing press like they’d like you to believe) make it very hard to see, so I will rewrite the entire card that shows who won and the title of their poem. Before I do though, I’d like to mention that roughly 98.4563% of the poems entered and printed on the card are all about God, the Christian faith or the fucking never going to happen and you’re wasting your life thinking it will Rapture.

But that little fundie venture doesn’t matter, these poems do not exist nor do their authors, as you will see from the absurd names that all sound like dying old hags with colostomy bags. Hey that rhymed! See, I am a famous poet, for all poems must rhyme and any that do not are not fit to be read, so says Lavender Aurora!




So, here are the poems that won, and their godly authors that make Odin weep in their greatness:

Grand Prize $1,000
Tina Cantu, CA
Immortality

First Prize $500
Robert Meams, CA
A Life to Live

Second Prize $100
Neva Rich Pinkston
Be Still to Know

Every one of them is from fucking hippy land California (home base of Famous Poets since that’s where their Hollywood variation was born). I don’t know where the second prize winner is from; since they did not print the state he/she/it is from. Okay, onto the third prize winners, all 47 of them! These were included in On the Wings of Poetry, a lovely little book listed at the nice cheap price of $69.95, but marked as a value. Bullshit:

Sarah A. Garret, GA
The Blessings of a Child

Linda Carpenter, IN
The Window

Eve Jeffries, CT
Challenge

Dorothy Schleiger, WY
God Still Speaks to Men Today

Christine Bower, WY
The Winds of God

Carol Kleveland, IA
Seasons

Danny Owens, KY
Deep in the Mountains

Elsie A. Hanson, SD
The Rainbow

Dorothy Peterson, FL
A Prayer of Thanks

Matt Wiens, AZ
Alpha to Omega

Lillian Nichols, TN
Hard Work

Betty Price, KY
The Silent Train

Pete R. Laumbach, NM
Will Wonders Never Cease

Mia Danielle Oliver, DC
Silent Reflection

Roberta Klein, NC
October Morn

Gladys Weskamp, CO
Somewhere Out There

Did you rip off the song from An American Tail or just used the same title?

Sierra Thomas, FL
My Hero

Judith Getman, KS
Oh, How Sweet

Stacie Orban, OH
Set Us Free

Dorothy P. Haggerty, VA
Come to the Table

Rosa M. Piske, MI
A Gift

Gloria Pickering, PA
Judgment Day

Nancy G. Steelman, NJ
Lord’s Net of Love

Rhonda Abraham, IL
He Wore a Smile

Carol Chandler, AR
Serenity

Marty A. Carroll, IL
God of Grace

Beverly Edmondson, TX
I’m Only a Mother

Leonard M. Gary, OK
My Savior

W. Foster, CA
God’s Loving Arms

Ruth Sipper, CA
To the Source of Being

Carolyn Roy, TX
She Raises Her Hands

Jeanne Wing, MA
My Thought of God

Annie Stegman, KS
The Lord the Almighty

Eunice Wellard, ID
I Asked Why

Cathy Wilson, ID
Faith

Janet E. Lair, OK
To Thee I Pray

Nancy L. Marshall, OH
Treasure Yourself

Marie Johnson, WY
Jonah

Liz Rackl, MN
Wild Mustard Seed Studio

Jim Phillips, MI
A Gift of Music

David Chrisman, LA
We the Christians

I’m not making this shit up, though I wish I were.

Jene M. Ueberroth, CA
A Mother’s Prayer

Mary C. Heiar, IA
I Saw God Today

Deanna R. Glover, AR
The Narrow Path

William Oiesky, NJ
Angels Are…

JoAnn Studley, NV
Master Painter and Creator

Pat Nelson, MS
Help Us, Dear God

There they are. From reading this through I take it the only way I can win in the top three is to write a poem about a vile, uncaring god who gets far too much love for an asshole, and to live in a red state. Yes I know, there are some blue states in there, but just look at it; making a map out of the states where all these winners came from would be a Republican’s wet dream (if you added “to be nuked” over California and Massachusetts as well). After this list of steaming turds, it goes on with:

50 Honorable Mention Certificates of Excellence
There were 50 additional poets in this contest that could have won a prize had there been enough prizes to go around – gifted poets that truly deserve recognition. Our Editors have decided to present these poets with an Honorable Mention Certificate of Excellence, even though the original contest rules did not call for any Honorable Mentions to be awarded.

Yeah, unfortunately for you, everyone who entered the contest got a bullshit honorable mention card! The main thing these poets want is their work in print, not some shitty construction paper card with drool on it. But to see the printed work, they need to buy the book at the value price mentioned earlier: $69.95. If you want more than one, just take that cost and multiply it by the copies you want. There is no discount for ordering in bulk, it all costs the same. If you entered this so called contest and did not order a book, your poem is not in it. Find someone who did buy this hunk of shit and look all day for it, then go home and cry knowing you were duped by a bunch of greedy cunts.