Friday, October 31, 2008

Krowness Goes to the Autumn Walk, a Second Time!

Yes, it's Halloween again! That means that my hometown has the kiddie parade once more, without any references to Halloween to not offend overly religious retards who have no sense of fun. Again, the video is two parts to conform to time restraints.

And boy was this a bitch to pull off this year! My tape ran out barely five minutes into the extravaganza, and I had to pull out an old backup I had and rewrite over last year's walk of all things! Then, getting my computer to work with it after having to upload from two mediums, I nearly lost the first part. Anyways, here it is!

Part One!

Part Two!

Worst Costumes:

1st Place: Pregnant Ass Puppy!
2nd Place: Lego Block Block Head!
3rd Place: Bed Sheet Ghost!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Great Pumpkin Adventure!

Since Halloween is just a few days away, I had to find myself the perfect pumpkin! Not so easy at this time of year when all the stupid little kids have already taken the best and carved them, and they are now rotting in the streets after the neighborhood teens came by. So began the quest!

I exit the motorcade!

Wow, just look at that awesome pump, oh, never mind.

Simply appetizing if I do say so myself.

Yes sir, pumpkin goo soup!

Look all those pumpkins, I'm speechless!

Pumpkins everywhere!

Suck it Batman, it's all about Krowness now.

Ooo, pretty.


I see you!

At last, the Great Pumpkin has revealed himself!

Oh they're so cutie ootie.
Yes they are.

Who says a normal 21 year old can't still have fun with pumpkins? Horse shit I say to you!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The World's Worst Costume!

I love going to Halloween stores. I love the smell of fog machines and latex masks mixing with the sounds of scary automatons and screaming children. Every year I try to get out to at least one, since there’s usually a seasonal store in the two nearby malls, and there are great costume emporiums in Worcester and Fitchburg. I usually go just for fun, since I make all my costumes myself and don’t particularly care for going store bought. This year, I thought I’d try something different and look for the worst costume I could find. Now, -RoG- is a good sport about doing this and found the god awful Count Pop costume, so I thought I’d try my luck with a craptastic disguise.

It may not be as bad as Count Pop, but from the four stores I went too, this takes the cake:

Just look at that abomination! And at only a few dollars, I was hooked. I mean come on, who can resist something this bad? It was either this or the instant pirate, which was a ratty beard and eye patch. That’s not gonna last me years, I need something that’s bad and more permanent! Besides, it’s just like the one that kid in A Christmas Story wears at the department store who goes up to Ralphie and simply states “I like the Wizard of Oz” as the costumed characters from the movie enter the store from the parade outside.

I was so exited by it, that I took it to of the crappy wrappings and wore it the whole drive home! No Red Baron stopped me though, just nice smooth flying:

Let’s get the biplane started and begin looking for adventure!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Glory Days: My Best Halloween Costumes Ever!

Having lived for 21 years, I had the pleasure of dressing as a multitude of beings, heroes and villains for Halloween. My first was like most children, a pumpkin. But my first shot at glory was as a homemade dinosaur that was absolutely incredible for a first grader to parade around town in. The only shortcoming was the tail, it dragged across the ground so I had to add a tether to hold onto it and keep it from ripping apart when I trick-or-treated.

Another problem was this: when I was in preschool, the greatest evil that ever was made for children came out, Barney the Dinosaur, so the next year, everyone thought that’s what I was. As you all know, my town does this autumn walk for the elementary school kids, and when I was doing it, every smelly kid was calling me fucking Barney even though I had sharp teeth, menacing claws and was green.

Well, when I was in middle school, I had a person best with:

Duke Nukem!
I was playing this game when I was in 4th grade, and still would be if not for the fact that the version I had was only playable on a very old Mac system that is impossible to find today, and Duke Nukem the Atomic Edition will not run on my XP platform L. But this was my first all time best. I made the vest out of foam, gelled my hair into Duke’s style, put nasty battle scar on my cheek with some makeup, had really badass sunglasses, and I brought along my BB-gun for a weapon, though my parents forbid me to load it, as I was bound to shoot some alien scum while grabbing candy. Hey, someone has to keep them from stealing our babes! I don’t know if I have any pictures surviving as of this writing, but I will do some digging and post it if I do find some.

See that. I dressed up as a violent video game character whose series is notorious for foul language and nudity, when I was in 4th grade! I turned out okay, I didn’t go on a shooting rampage in high school, and I never got the urge to rape anyone. Video games are not the scourge of society after all.

Anyone familiar with Mystery Science Theater 3000 should know about Torgo, the man who takes care of the Master’s house in the film Manos: the Hands of Fate. I used my dad’s Indiana Jones fedora, used charcoal for the beard (since I was in high school at the teim, and that school forbids facial hair), a brown jacket, and was lucky enough to find a large wooden stick to carry!

And no, I wasn’t trick or treating like this, since I was in high school. I stayed at home and scared the shit out of all the kids that came to my door! Yes, they were pissing themselves over fucking Torgo! Now, this one I do have a picture from, so fear:

Wow, I’m such a geek in my braces and puffy ass jacket. But come on, it’s Torgo! Fucking Torgo! You can’t beat that, not even with his unnecessarily large walking stick from a few years away, no sir.

I only have two great costumes like this and several other boring ones in between obviously, man I should have worked harder. But hey, I mostly wanted to scare kids, so any horrifying mask and tattered clothes will do when I’m jumping out of a homemade coffin most of the night.

So, what should I do this year? Well, I have the perfect one in store, Prince of Space! Again I’m using MST3K as a reference, and when it’s done, I will be posting plenty of pictures of the Prince fighting the evil Phantom of Krankor! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Shitty Costume Ideas!

It’s that time of year again, Halloween! Usually I start my celebrations in late August, but this year was a little hectic with the bullshit of Clark University and all, so I had to compromise (though I have neglected to clean my house, resulting in very spooky spider webs, the perfect decoration!) Now that the seasonal Halloween shops are popping up, I’ve had to look at some very stupid ass costumes that will get you one step closer to getting socially ostracized and or badly beaten. Some of the horrible costumes include Beer Man, a rip-off of Duff Man from the golden age of the Simpsons. Another is a genie where the bottle acts as a giant phallus that simply states “rub me!” No thanks.

But what’s worse than a store bought costume? Homemade ones that were thrown together at the last minute, usually by stay at home parents who forgot that trick-or-treat time was only fifteen minutes away. Real costumes are made at home, yes, but they must have a heart, soul and full demonic possession through the powers of Halloween night in order to be true costumes! Here are some shitty ideas for costumes so you know what to avoid constructing and thus preventing you getting laid until you are 32.

An American State
Since this is an election year, some super liberals and super conservatives will probably dress up as their favorite red or blue state to gain support for a candidate, even though they live miles away from the state they are dressed as. Again, the gilded Simpson’s age showed us why this is bad, as most children (and adults) do not know the borders of the states, and would most likely do what Ralph Wiggum did and write the name of it on a piece of lined paper and tape it to their chest.

A Lost Child Milk Carton
I’m sure this stupid idea exists in a Halloween retail outlet. It would look like a big bottle of milk, but your head would show through the portal with the “Have you Seen this Child” text below it. (I’m sure it’s an obvious design but trust me, with the dumbasses out there they’d probably send me emails not getting it.)

A Football
I fucking hate football with every cell, chromosome and DNA strand in my body. Anyone who dresses like this proves they have no meaningful purpose in life and should be kicked in front of a speeding train. On second thought, this is a great costume idea. That way I can kick your ass and say it’s just part of the game without having to explain to the police why I was beating you.

Realistic Hobo
Don’t shower for two or more days, wear the same clothes for a month in preparation and then get your belongings together in a bindle and hit the streets. Your smell will probably give you more candy though, since most people will do anything to get you off their doorstop. Good luck with your popularity though, only other hobos will like a stinky bastard like you. Thanks to my good friend Michele for this idea.

Vern: the Simulated Hermaphroditic Medical Doll
Again, I got this idea when talking to my friend Michele, who’s a nursing student. I also saw this on I-Mockery last week and she told me that they have the exact same doll as the one Protoclown posted! At her school there is a doll named Vern with a male head, female body and he/she is currently nursing a baby. Yeah, this will make you popular with both the ladies and the gentlemen! Trust me on this one. Show off your awesome parenting skills while the ladies stroke your beard and the men motorboat your tits.

My Ex-girlfriend
I haven’t mentioned this half-tard tart I used to date in high school much, mostly because it’s been almost four years since our breakup (and I hate her). Well, when we dated she was actually pretty hot, but very evil, self-centered, manipulative, abusive, had dumbass parents who couldn’t read at a middle school level… Anyway, she now has lost about an inch of hair giving her a huge forehead that horses would scoff at. You would just need a rough, black wig over one of those bald caps and wear it farther towards your neck to give the impression of a very large brow that reaches into the stratosphere. But what makes it suck (apart from being ugly like her) is that you get no candy because nobody likes a bitch.

A Shoe (with Gum Stuck to the Bottom)

Nothing fancy, just a big ass shoe with a dumbass inside it.

Sarah Palin (Wolf Hunting Version)
Be sure to hit all the PETA houses in your kick ass Palin costume complete with wolf carcasses! No candy? Some well aimed buckshot from the safety of your trusty helicopter will fix that! Show those goddamned liberal scum who’s boss! Awoo!

There you have it, eight examples of some shitty costume ideas. Be sure to keep a lookout for the sister post of some truly awesome costume ideas coming soon! Until then, happy hunting