Friday, September 19, 2008

Happy Birthday Krowness Chronicles!

One year ago today at 8:09 in the morning, Krowness Chronicles made its debut on the Internet with a rant about how blogs suck ass and Vikings rule. Sixty two posts and a whole year later, here we are, still going strong, battling dumbasses and con artists and showing no sign of weakness.

Let’s a take a look at all that’s happened in the past year. Famous Poets society got reamed over and over again with the hard boner of truth, forcing it out of the scam closet. We went to war with the waffles and only recently destroyed them all and crushing their puny totalitarian empire.

I’m surprised we made it this far though. After all, I was hell bent on taking this site down when the web writing course I created it for was finished. Its future was put into more questioning after the pope made a speech about how this site was the Antichrist and the doom of civilization back in March.

But anyways, time to cut the cake!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Five Sure Fire Ways to Improve TV!

After a long week of battling ogres and boring myself to death with supposed college level courses where the height of an intellectual conversation is discussing the development of the characters in Aqua Teen Hunger Force, I decided to relax a bit and watch some “prime time” television since it was too early for Adult Swim and nobody is airing the finest of Japanese animation at this hour on a Thursday night. So I watched what the best of FOX is, apparently, and nearly killed my brain with the televised abortion that is “A Hole in the Wall”.

This is the absolute most retarded show I have ever seen. For those who are not “enlightened”, the name says it all. Contestants must get themselves through strange shapes in a Styrofoam wall without leaving the “play area” and without breaking the irreplaceable wall or risk falling into a green pool. I feel dumber having just typed that. Please kill me now. It’s not even an American idea, and it was just stolen from a crazy Japanese game show. (For more on American remakes of shows that originated in other countries, please look up any of the “reality shows”).

But with this example of why Western civilization is doomed, I got to thinking of ways we could improve not only prime time, but commercials, cartoons and even the 700 Club! Okay, that last one is easy, cancel that shit.

5. No More Fucking Reality Shows!

I don’t give a rat’s ass about your problem child. I don’t need Nanny 911 or Supernanny. And those of you who do need to call Beats the Shit Out of the Mistake Nanny, that’s the only way you’ll see results if your son is running about beating all of his siblings and breaking your new plasma screen TV by throwing his toys into it. What makes a kid get so angry and violent like this? He needed to take a nap and didn't want to. He needs a smack across the face is what he needs. Or maybe you should have considered this:

Then there are all the shows about trading your spouse, though it is always the wife. Since when is Daddy not important and is not even considered to be traded to a family of crazy Christians who want to kill everyone who’s not just like them? On second thought, maybe that is a good idea not to get Daddy involved, since he would most likely beat their faces to pulp with his wang.

Don’t even get me started on American Idol. That is not reality, it is a game show. Let’s see, people competing for a grand prize (a “record deal” that gets you a golden ticket to skid row, and I don’t mean the shitty band). Yeah, that’s not a (rigged) game show. Yup, this stuff happens everyday to ordinary slobs working in an office and sucking their boss' dick for a raise that can barely buy them a quart of gas.

4. End Religious Networks!

There is no such thing as a religious network. Every show they air has to do with the Wholly Babble and Christianity. The only time other faiths are looked at is when they show how evil everyone but the sheep of Jesus are. Last time I saw a show that included Judaism and Islam and had a religion label was on the History Channel. Nobody cares what a televangelist says, they all go to jail anyway and who wants to listen to a convict tell you how God will help you pay taxes?

3. It’s Not “Comcastic”!

I hate Comcast and would love to see this company go belly up when the economy crashes. Their images suck, and I lose the picture in blizzards, heat, rain and nice warm sunshine. It’s too expensive and they hold most of Massachusetts in a monopoly for cable. You suck, your service blows and I hope that the failing market sees to your demise.

2. Spice Up Children’s Shows!

When I was a lad, we watched Sesame Street rerun the same material it did throughout the ‘70s and had great shows like Eureka’s Castle, Mister Wizard, David the Gnome and Littl’ Bits. Outside of education we had gold like The Adventures of Pete and Pete, Rocko’s Modern Life, Ren & Stimpy, Doug, Are You Afraid of the Dark and others. Almost all of them on one network! Gods it was the best line up ever, and I wish that I could find the DVDs of half of these shows!

But what does this generation of kids get? They get Oobi, a bare hand with googly eyes taped on it! They also get the antics of Hip Hop Harry, a giant teddy bear whose dope wit da streets and gettin’ it on. I think the following clip from said show is proof that our kids are worthless:

What we need is a show about kids fighting for their lives against pirates! We can also throw in few pole dancing damsels into the mix and teach kids the positions. It’s the only thing they’ll use anyway.

1. More Hot Black Girls in Bikinis!

I saw a commercial the other day with a hot black chick in a very tight bikini, I think it was for birth control pills. This is perhaps the only marketing strategy that I’d want to shoot my torpedo at, regardless of what it was selling. We need more ads like this to increase the male consumer’s contribution to the nation’s wealth.

There you go, five ways you can make watching the tube a better experience without the stupidity, wasted energy and forcing hot girls to stay at home when they could be staring in advertisements.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

More Lions!

While not paying attention in a boring global issues class today, I came across an article about a lion that hid away in a Texas fundie church to keep safe from Hurricane Ike. This got me thinking; why not put more lions in crazy churches like this? We all know from the Roman days how much lions love Christians, I think it would be a great way to give churches a new mascot and at the same time save some feline friends! What’s the worst that could happen?

Sure, the cats could go all Siegfried and Roy on the faithful sheeple, but history shows us otherwise. After all, according the users of fundie websites like Rapture Ready, no Christians actually died that way and that prayer saved them from being eaten. But if you criticize their hateful treatment of homosexuals they’ll change that story in a matter of seconds and compare you to the Romans for saying that “God hates fags” is hate speech and illegal.

I’m sure the lions would get great food from stale communion wafers with a flavor just shy of shit and an alter boy or two if the Catholics adopt this trend. The fundie churches of the south like in Texas here can always rely on sacrificing a heathen homo or atheist to it! Now that would make God moist and show them whose boss! Now who’s being persecuted, bitch!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Krowness Returns!

The battle is over. I stood over the thousands of mutilated corpses of the invaders of Valhalla and laughed in triumph, surely Lothar the Great would be proud! You see, while I was minding my own business, writing new chapter in my book entitled Multivariable Calculus and Astrophysics for Kindergarteners, the sounds of battle began outside of my home. I looked out the window and there must have been at least 50,000 ogres, goblins, Republicans and waffles attacking the city!

I ran out to do battle but our forces were pinned down and our bunker was quickly taken right after I sent my transition for rescue. After my capture, I easily decapitated the vampire-Nazi guards, burned the dungeons after freeing my cohorts and assassinated the waffle king, ending the long drawn out Waffle War. Before we left, we nuked the palace and slaughtered all the allies the waffles ever had to prevent it from happening again! Praise Odin!

To make it better, the anniversary of my first post is this Friday! That’s right, it’s birthday time here at Krowness Chronicles and we’re going to have the best party with the most brutally violent game of pin the tail on the fundie ever held!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Krowness is Missing!

This is Viking Force Theta. We have recently learned that Krowness the Viking is missing in action. All attempts to contact him have failed since an attack on Valhalla that left the central city without power. The only clue we have found was a crumpled paper about a free online contest. This is the last transmission from Krowness that we received before he disappeared at the hight of the blackout:

We have contacted the only other person in all the Galaxy who can help; the Centurion! More news will come as this crisis develops.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Don’t Screw with a Viking!

Well, it’s official. I am back at the hellhole called Fitchburg State College. Yes I was supposed to start anew at Clark University but I have a huge message to that school. Go fuck yourselves.

You see, the trouble began when I never got any information on the orientation process, especially since I’m a transfer and have a different program to go through. I called them at least twice a week trying to get somewhere but only dumbass kids (who were all jocks of course) were running the show. I’d have to wait until orientation to get that information. Great. I have to wait for the event I have no information about to start in order to get information on it. That makes sense.

I finally got some info from a faculty member a week before it began but at least now I had the date, time and location to assemble. After a frustrating drive into Worcester and past thirty-one closely spaced traffic lights I get to the university, park and head into the University Center, get my schedule and see the biggest monitorial rape ever. Clark costs 17,000 dollars, I already paid my bill but I was being raped by them because of the schedule.

You see, the orientation process involved what is basically kindergarten. We had to watch movies about drinking beer, even though I’m a legal 21 year old. Meetings about living on campus, even though I commute. And my favorite was peer advising, where a bunch of retards who are younger than I am are given the closest thing they can imagine to authority and must sign our schedules to prove that we attended and then talk about “safety” and “responsibility” which made me feel like “strangling someone”. I heard this at FSC three years ago; shut up.

Then I met with my advisor, who gave me the music courses I needed for my major and I thought all was well. Then I go to register and find out that only two of the courses we talked about were offered this fall, I’d have to wait for the spring. On top of it, they are only one credit each! Jesus tap dancing Christ taking a shit on a porcelain cross and dirking tequila! I’m paying seventeen grand for this? Fuck you! The music department isn’t even accredited, which I found out after orientation started. Thanks a lot you prick faces for not telling me something like that. Must not be that important, huh?

Before I go on, I’ll go into detail about some of the other things that pissed me off about this bucket of shit. They abbreviate everything, even if it’s a nice short word. For instance the University Center is the UC, a peer advisor is a PA and the red square at the main quad is RS. They should really found the Clark University Network for Theatre just for the highly apposite acronym of CUNT.

The main dean of students is also a spring of flowing stupidity. She had no clue about what was happening at orientation. She said the events were optional, yet it was clearly obligatory and if she happened to be right, she never sent word to the peer advisors who kept us in line better than a Nazi-fundamentalist preacher hybrid. Her breath was also probably the reason dinosaurs went extinct.

During another presentation on bullshit like campus police and what Worcester offers for “diversity” my fucking knees were practically in my mouth and the auditorium was over one hundred degrees.

But on the subject of diversity, eating foods from the Middle East, no matter how good it is, does not make you diverse. You are a still a white guy from the suburbs with a Prias who just happens to like food that is not fried in prehistoric lard and marketed as “happy meals”. Why do schools have to go into this? There is no such thing as diversity. We are already a diverse people in a diverse world. America is especially diverse if you can call it the melting pot of the world.

By Thor’s hammer, do we really need to point out the fact that there are both men and women who attend this school who are white, black, yellow, red or brown? Doesn’t pointing this obvious fact out make us in a way discriminating against them by saying “hey, you’re different!” No they're not different, they are still people. Just because someone has more melanin than another means they are different is a backwards and idiotic way to view the world.

So, yeah. I’m back at FSC, but like Spinal Tap said in the song Hellhole, it often times is better in one since moving out of it can suck even more. Here Clark University, I got something for you: