Saturday, August 23, 2008

The Best Time of the Year!

That’s right; school’s back! That means no more little shits running around all day and ruining my life, work and time I could be spending updating my site. I love driving around the day my hometown’s school starts just so I can go by the bus stops and see all the crying kids who know the routine, and the idiots dancing around because they’re about to start kindergarten or first grade and they’re exited. And because they’re idiots.

Most kids are too stupid for school. They come into kindergarten and don’t even fucking know they’re god damn name! They call themselves “Beebo” or “Swishy” and they have to be sent to the principal to figure out who the hell they are. Then once they’re in class, half start crying because they miss mommy the crack whore, or want to be at home so they can watch Barney. Suck it up shit head. You miss mommy, huh? Well you know what you need? A kick in the ass. Now straighten up or repeat after me “You want fries with that?”, because if you don’t sit down and learn something that’s all you’ll need for success dumbass!

Then after things settle down, most of the kids can’t read simple words, count higher than one, can’t recognize colors, don’t know the months of the year or the days of the week. Some are still like this by the end of the year and are even dumber before entering first grade.

Anyone who wants kids should get their IQ checked with this simple test; stand in the shower and if you start to drown, you can’t have kids and your balls will be chopped on the spot or your ovaries will be sucked out with a vacuum.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

A Message to Burger King from the Guild of Calamitous Intent!

By The Guild of Calamitous Intent

August 19, 2008

RE: Your Recent Advertising for Whopper Jr. and Spicy Chicken Sandwich

Dear Burger King:

It has come to the attention of The Guild of Calamitous Intent that you have a recent advertisement campaign (hereby referred to as “The Ad”) features two young men (hereby referred to as “Henchmen”) harassing Subway fast food chains by shouting rude remarks to the fa├žade of the building while in whopper junior and spicy chicken costume.

I would like to bring to your attention that this is a classic case of Costumed Aggression. However, we at The Guild do not have Burger King (herby refereed to as “The Arch”) on our records to perform such acts of Costumed Aggression. In order to harass fast food chains, or other establishments (herby referred to as “The Nemesis”) you must receive an Arching License from the Guild and full approval from the Counsel of Thirteen and The Sovereign.

If The Ad is to continue running on televised commercial time, you must receive this Arching License. Until you have done so, The Guild has ordered the following:

1. Cease and desist all use of The Ad.

2. Release no more images of Henchmen assaulting The Nemesis until an Arching License has been issued by The Guild for the Arch in question (Burger King).

We also require that you send The Guild a written confirmation by September 12, 2008 that you have complied with the actions outlined above and that you agree that no further Costumed Aggression will take place, be broadcast or even be mentioned until you apply for an Arching License. Once a License has been approved, you are welcome to resume your grievous actions.

Thank you for choosing The Guild of Calamitous Intent
The Sovereign
Arching Licensure Department

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Hmm, What’s That Smell?

I smell bullshit. And a lot of it. You see, after finally getting the fuck out of the train wreck that was Fitchburg State to not only study something I want to, but also to get away from the heavy drinking, drug use, nearby ghettos with shootings in them each night (conveniently located next to two FSC dorms and the gym) and a student who held up a Fitchburg bank (the charges were recently dropped), I was quite pleased. Until I started to see that my new school, Clark University, is probably worse than FSC could ever hope to be!

Not only does Clark have a huge attrition rate (something I discovered after my acceptance and after I decided that Anna Maria and their dumbass Jeebus parade were better left for the fundies and intellectually inferior) but they also have their head up the ass of Sigmund Freud. This is only because he spoke at the school in his lifetime.

Freud was not a scientist! He was at best a piss poor philosopher. His theories of psychology are still vastly unproven, ridiculously stupid and overall laughable. The fact that he is held in high regard as the father of modern psychology is just as stupid. The man was a coke head. He gave coke to his patients. Oh, now I see how he got his bullshit theories that he never tested, compared with the best evidence of the day only to have his ideas shut down in large numbers as we get a better understanding of the mind here in the 21st century.

Screw psychology. It’s not science, just a personally biased set of ideas. Think of it this way. A few decades ago, it was considered a mental abnormality to be gay. Guess what, it’s not. And such an idea is not only bigoted but also bunked by real science like neurology. At least in that field you know how the mind really works since you learn how the brain really works. Makes sense, doesn’t it? And if you get on my case about mental illness, again, leave it to neurology. At least they can fix it instead of sitting you down in a room and talking about your feelings. Get real. Like that can possibly help a demented schizoid who thinks a child is the Messiah who will save Earth from genocide by insects.

Anyway, it is the middle of August and I still have nothing about orientation at Clark. I don’t know what time it starts, in what building, how long it lasts (though I know all day is the answer to that). All I know is that it starts the 27th. Well that’s good, I guess I can get there at 6 a.m., start wandering the campus looking for the right place to go and find out that it’s not on campus and at a function hall in the middle of Worcester and it’s at night!

I also have to set up meetings for my major in music. I notified that departments head and he never got back about auditions and set ups for my private lessons for credit. Since I’m a transfer, most of my music courses at FSC were taken, including prerequisite courses for the private instruction, important for the music performance major. To add to it, this university has me select fall courses during orientation, so that gives me maybe a day at the most to get my classes, map out how to get to each one in the fastest time and let’s not forget, time to get my books which at this point are probably all sold out for the classes I need. Assholes.

I haven’t even started and I already know I hate Clark as much as I did Fitchburg. Scratch that, I hate Clark more than I could ever hate Fitchburg because the administration is more corrupt, stupid and has absolutely no ability to get a simple job done. Ditch this bullshit. I hate to admit it but I'm heading back to the bowels of Hell in FSC. At least now I know there's worse out there.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

YouTube Blows!

Seeing that I-Mockery and even Maddox himself both have YouTube accounts, it seems heretical for me to bash the site that my two biggest influences use regularly. Hell, I even embed videos to my site if I find a pretty awful safety film or school scare short. But that’s heresy for you; it’s usually for the better good (like saying the Earth revolves around the sun). No offense to RoG or Maddox, whose videos rule and will kick your ass each time you watch them to the end of time, but YouTube is the second greatest pile of shit right after Myspace. The reason? There are more idiots on this Odin-forsaken site than I could ever imagine:

YouTube has more trolls, fake users, spammers, spamming programs posing as accounts, pornography, plagiarized material and assholes in one location than Washington D.C.

No joking, my old account there (I have recently closed it due to this bullshit) had 54 users blocked. Every single one of them a troll, or a “user” that has posted the following on every one of my videos at the exact same time: “YouTube isn’t good for porn; I like this site [insert stupid porn site featuring women who are a minimum of 90 years old]”.

This site is also the only place online that I have ever seen the word “good” spelled as “gud”. How can hitting one letter, that repeats no less, be that fucking hard? For Odin's sake, they're only seperated by the letter "I" on the keyboard on top of it! Here’s some comments that prove how dumb the community of this cesspool is:

All these are in a video about Santa Claus.

“thats mean bout the hole fat thing i think ur the tart!:( thats just sad”

I hate fat people”

“You left out how he's also gonna be black, because a white santa is racist.”


Comments have since been disabled 3 years after writing this article, you can thank comments like the above.

This is just for one fucking video. About Santa Fucking Claus on top of it! I wouldn’t be surprised if the morons who posted those above comments still think he’s real. The stupidity is also in the videos themselves. How many times have you gone there and seen some high school girl with missing teeth dancing to shitty pop music and giggling. And what do the comments say? Probably shit like “ur hott” and “watch my videos instead or ille cry”.

If you ever search for something worthwhile, let’s say you want to see actual footage of the Red Baron, you get a stream of unrelated garbage. Try it. Type Red Baron into the search field and all you get is his funeral (one good related hit), thousands of clips of Snoopy (all of which were uploaded without permission yet are still up despite the copyright infringement), and shitty garage bands shouting crappy lyrics about their girlfriends’ fake tits. Awesome.

Then there’s the porn. Full pornographic films are up on that site. They even have hentai (anime porn) for basement trolls who don’t know what real girls feel like and never will if we’re all lucky. If weird fetishes are your thing, YouTube’s got them too! Into WAM, or vore, or fart fetishes? They got all you need for a night long spooge fest!

Missed your favorite TV show last week? Well it’s on YouTube! Sounds good, right? If you’re an idiot it is! It’s called YouTube for a reason; it’s for your films, and your home movies. Uploading clips of Family Guy will get you hits and subscribers, for a day before your account is deleted for copyright infringement. No problem, these users have at least seven other accounts they can use if that happens. In fact, I see more Family Guy clips on YouTube than adult swim’s website, or on TV. And Family Guy is on what, four stations now? It pisses me off knowing that Seth MacFarlane is getting ripped off by YouTube by jack offs posting clips from the greatest cartoon ever made.

Now let’s get into the site features to make it a good community. They offer contests and groups, but contests outnumber the groups and they are all bullshit. I don’t care who can paint the best picture of Heath Leger as the Joker. And guess what? Nobody does. Getting back on track, the groups used to have a search feature so you could find the place you needed to go. Say I wanted to post a jazz piano video of mine for other jazz fans. I could just search “jazz” under music and find plenty. Now I have to dig through every fucking group with music as a tag, including anime music videos which overpower the groups of real musicians like me.

When did anime music videos become popular? Let’s see. You take clips from your favorite show; mesh them together to a soundtrack by a band that you like. Yeah, that’s creative; clips that aren’t yours and music that isn’t yours. You did what, made a title for it in Windows Movie Maker? And it took you about five minutes to turn it out, not counting the time it took to save to your hard drive. Bravo! What a great artist you are! Dragonball Z characters fighting to the music of Hot Butter’s “Popcorn”? First fucking prize!

Then we have the community. Everyone is a critic. If you post a video of you playing Chopin at the piano, it will get shit on by everyone who sees it. If you defend yourself, they’ll come back with something like “I was going to be a concert pianist, I know” (I actually saw this on just such a video the other day). And of course, does that user have any videos of his or her own? No! So they probably don’t even play an instrument, is in grade school, or is a liberal arts major at the local community college with no music knowledge outside of “Pink Floyd rules man!” And Pink Floyd is only good when they’re playing a song that is not “Money”, “Brain Damage”, “Another Brick Pt. 2”, or any other song that is played five times a day on every radio station. They had a lot more, much better material, morons!

This is the only website in the world were if you claim a fact like the sky is blue, Jesus never existed or Vikings rule, there will be about 78 people out of 100 that will angrily disagree with you, post videos of them yelling at a camera about how wrong you are, and then make sock puppet accounts just to praise their shitty film that you can’t understand because of the clipping caused by high volumes being forced into a very small microphone.

And what does the administration of the site do if there’s a problem? They fucking ignore it! If you are getting bullied by some teenager who thinks he’s got the world figured out and no matter how many times you block him, he keeps coming back with new accounts you can report it to the site. But all that gets you is an email saying that your message was marked as spam and ignored. Wonderful. Makes me wonder why they even have that report in the first place! The people who run YouTube are dumber than the majority of users.

And if those admins are reading this, go fuck yourselves you single syllable speaking schmucks.

Treat YouTube like Myspace and get rid of it (except for I-Mockery and Maddox). Cancel your account and realize that your videos are shit that nobody wants to see. And if it is good and you want to share it, share it with the people who matter and not a farm full of grade school drop outs.

Update: May 2, 2011

A lot of these problems have since been resolved, but the community has become more retarded than ever. Thankfully, it is widely known to the point where some linguists actually study YouTube comments to understand the degradation of modern language and communication. Nice one, morons.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Ghost Rider: A School Bus Safety Film!

I’m a sucker for old scare films. This is especially true when it comes to the safety films I used to watch in school, such as Don’t Play Games with Fanny Flame. But the golden era usually involves nuclear missiles, Communist spies and bus safety! This is a film made for the public schools of Pennsylvania in 1982 called Ghost Rider. Not to be confused with the superhero or Rush’s Neil Peart’s book. The plot of this is rather unique, but we’ll get to that later.

To begin, it's Kevin’s first day of school. He’s the new kid, fresh out of Oregon and he’s having a very hard time fitting in. He is called up to the teacher’s desk at the end of the day, and everyone looks around like “who the hell is that” and “oh he’s some new guy” (though they actually say “some new kid”). Way to make him feel welcome girls. See, these are the kinds of girls who grow up to be managers of the local Market Basket and get knocked up by the dumbass jock they dated in high school, proving that their lives are meaningless.

After his embarrassment and the rest of the students file out, Kevin approaches his teacher for his assigned books. And we now get to see just how horrible poor Kev’s day was:

Aw, poor Kevin :( It just seems that his day can’t get any worse. That is until dismissal when he has to take the bus home. You see, back in Oregon, he never had to take the bus before so he’s completely unsure of how the system works and is in the dark about all the safety protocols in case of emergency. He finds a redneck looking kid to show him to his bus and he’s smiling for the first time all day. Until the kid he’s talking too runs off without a passing glance:

Aw, how can this poor kid’s day get any worse? They even have a piano sample cued up to this scene that sounds like it ripped off Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata. Well as we’re about to see, getting back to the topic of Kev’s mental state, everyone will soon think that he is an absolute schizoid. The bus is coming up to the end of the line, two girls get off and Kevin is left alone to contemplate his day. Naturally he starts to cry. But after getting bitch slapped by cheerleaders and rednecks, who wouldn’t?

Suddenly, a young girl in “white slacks and curly hair” is sitting across from him and asks why he is crying:

Who is this gal? Where did she come from? As Kevin begins to ask these questions, she purposely flicks a pencil onto the floor. Being a gentleman, Kev quickly gets on the filthy floor and starts looking for it (among a huge amount of chewing gum). When he gets back up with the pencil, this girl has vanished:

Kevin starts shouting, asking where she went. In all the confusion, his stop as come and it’s time to head off of the mystery bus. When he is at the door, he asks the bus driver (who looks like Peter Boyle with more hair) about the girl. He acts surprised and asks if she had curly hair and white slacks. Kevin eagerly replies. He only gets disappointed when he finds out that no such girl was on the bus.

We then see Kev getting off the bus. But the mystery girl has left a clue to her identity in the pencil she flicked:

So, her name is Tracy Donnelly. Well then gang, mystery solved! Oh wait, right. Why is she appearing and vanishing like this? Hmm, looks like we’ve still got to solve this one Scoob!

We then cut to Kevin doing homework in his kitchen. His mother is still unpacking appliances and trying desperately to prepare dinner. She then goes on how she found the toaster in the attic earlier that day, and that she can’t find the garlic salt, which her husband “simply must have!” She then goes to write down a note to pick up garlic salt at the store, when the pencil breaks. Frustrated, she says that if she has one more day like this, she’ll move back to Oregon, which Kevin responds with “can I join you?” It’s just a normal day in the, huh, what’s this family’s last name? Oh well. She asks if she can borrow Kev’s pencil and sees the name on it. Apparently packs like it are all over the house.

The pencils belonged to the previous family, which of course is the Donnelly’s. As Kev’s mom goes on, it comes up that they moved due to painful memories after an accident. You see, their daughter Tracy died in a bus accident the previous school year. That’s right. The girl that was on the bus is a ghost!

As you can see, this information comes as a shock to Kevin. And of course, this is where the film gets its name, and the unique plot I was talking about earlier. So, another day comes and goes, and Kevin is once again alone on the bus, waiting for his stop at the end of the line. He is still trying to process the information he got from his mother. All of a sudden Tracy appears and shouts “boo”; he jumps a mile.

He starts yelling at her, and she tells him to pipe down or the driver will think he’s nuts. Okay, so more nuts than he already does after inquiring about the invisible girl the previous day. She then hands him a little booklet with a bus on it. It’s apparently a safety manual. We also find out that she’s here to help Kevin learn the rules that she didn’t, and died from. Even though she says she died in a fire that was on the bus and couldn’t get away in time. Sounds more like the driver and students should have helped her, not that she didn’t know the procedure. Assholes.
They should be dead. Oh well, karma’s a bitch. They’ll get cancer and suffer for not helping a friend in need.

We once again cut to Kevin at home. This time he is working out, and all of a sudden a wind blows in through the window and the radio acts funny. His pliers move on their own, and his barbells start rocking.

Knowing what’s going on, he calls out for Tracy. She moves the manual on the desk around, getting his attention to it.

Kevin looks through the book and learns some good stuff! If you’re on the front of the bus, go through the front door. If that’s blocked, go through the back, tucking in your legs to cushion the fall, and the back goes through the back door, front half the front. Okay, that last one was a little easy to figure out. We’ll just have to assume Kevin is a dolt. It also says to locate fire axes, first aid kids and other supplies needed in case you need to give someone medical attention or pry off a window. And of course fire extinguishers. Too bad the dicks that rode with poor Tracy didn’t bother with that. Plenty in fire for them in Hell I suppose.

The next day arrives and this time the bus is heading for school. So it’s full of whiny brats completely ignoring the rules.

Kevin is drumming his fingers on the manual and Tracy appears again.

He shouts out to her, even though she’s in the same seat and everyone looks at him like he’s a whack job. Okay, so he sort of is. But he cools down and starts a conversation with her quietly. Even though the kids right behind him should be able to hear him talking to himself. She asks if he did his homework, because he’s going to need it. She then vanishes again. Uh oh.

Honking is suddenly heard and the kids look out the window to see a pickup truck passing them. But something’s wrong. There is also a van coming head on to
him! So he pulls over and the bus is pushed off the road. What follows is still frames of the accident scene while music that is eerily similar to Jaws starts playing. Rather than use “print screen” over every still, I chose the highlights of the scene:

Oh shit. The bus is now teetering on the edge of a cliff. Let me say that again. All because of some farmer in a pickup, a bus full of kids is now
teetering off a fucking cliff! Couldn’t the driver refuse to budge? It’s not like the pickup could take on a bus. And what about the break? That driver could easily have stopped while they were on the field leading to the ledge! Oh yeah, that’s right. The driver was knocked out when he hit the steering wheel.

Man, two massive accidents in two years. This school’s gotta be broke from all the lawsuits against it and the bus company it uses. The film now goes back to moving pictures to show the panicked kids:

The only one who’s calm is Kevin. In fact, he’s abnormally calm, and is looking around like nothing’s happening. Tracy then brings him out of it and tells him to calm the masses down. Right on Tracy! Show this dolt how to be graceful under pressure. Kev shouts to the mob, and orders them to file out the back door.

One other kid has a gash on her head, so the first aid kit is brought out to tend to her. Tracy tells Kevin to look for an ammonia capsule to revive the driver, since as the kids pile out, the bus gets lighter, and is about to “nose dive” as one kid puts it. Using the capsule, Kev gets to work.

The two get off, and a girl runs over to them, not to help mind you, but to get
back on for her clarinet so she doesn’t get in trouble with the band teacher. Pa, clarinetists. Just as the driver tells her that she’ll be in trouble with him if she doesn’t get back on the ridge, the bus sails over the cliff. Again, I took the highlights of the scene:

Kevin looks about for Tracy, knowing she was still on the bus. Uh huh. She’s a ghost, she can’t die twice moron. Besides, she’s not on the bus at all! She materializes behind Kev as he shouts her name around and it echoes through the gorge. Now everyone knows you’re crazy. No doubt.

Tracy waves farewell and heads off to the afterlife, peaceful knowing that nobody died in yet another bus wreck from the same school system. Kevin sulks on the bluff as everyone heads back to road, praising him as a hero. What, no fire trucks, police or ambulances? A bus just went over a cliff! You’d think emergency crews and newscasters would be all over the hillside.

Kevin joins two girls from the bus and walks away into the distance, a mighty hero for all to remember until graduation and the booze binges of college flush him away with most of their basic life skills.

See that? All girls love a hero. Even dead girls.

What’s interesting about this movie is that it could still be used today and be just as powerful. Rather than be a piece of pure cheese like most bus safety films (
Bus Nut is one, but I-Mockery did that one, I highly recommend it) this one lasts. The image of the bus falling of the edge of the cliff and the entire body explodes outward can leave a lasting impression. All they need to do is update the emergency procedure to include “call 911 on a cell phone and use the bus radio to alert emergency services” and it can still be used!

Rather than leave you with these wonderful, grainy stills, I found the entire movie on YouTube. So, for your viewing pleasure, here’s
Ghost Rider!