Sunday, July 27, 2008

The Rejected Shows of Shark Week!

Being a Viking, I spend a lot of time on the high seas. But rather than fear the monsters that it hides, such as kraken, giant squid, Loch Ness Monsters, Champ and dolphins, I have a special, Viking bond with them. Meaning that I catch and eat them for dinner, with the exception of whales. We need the whales. After all, when our fossil fuels run out, something’s gotta make the oil.

But of all the watery demons, I have to say that I fucking love sharks. Next to the horseshoe crab, they are the pinnacle of evolution; a mouth and something to store the food in. Who can’t love ‘em? This is why I make a commitment to watch Shark Week on the Discovery Channel every year, which is what I am doing right now as I write this. But as with many weeklong events such as this, there are many shows that do not make the cut. Here are some of the shows that did not make it to this year’s Shark Week.

The Movement of Sharks
In this two hour event, scientists go into the water with great whites to study how the animal can move from point A to point B while underwater. After dissecting three sharks, and the death of a photographer, it is found out that sharks move by swimming.

Tiger vs. Tiger Shark
The hunting methods of the tiger and tiger shark are compared, with emphasis placed on the difference in strategy on land versus water. Mating habits are also examined in addition to the raising of the young. At the end of the program, a live tiger is dumped into a tank with a hungry tiger shark and scientists see which one is the superior animal when the two face off for the first time on television.

In 1999, inside the belly of a great white, a fisherman discovered something strange. It was the head of a velociraptor, and it was fresh with scales intact. Where did this shark find a live dinosaur? Scientists track great whites in hopes that they will lead them to Dino Island. Included, the government cover-up to keep the digested head a secret, and shocking new footage from inside Area 51, where the shark was taken.

The Magic of Sharks
Everyone knows that dolphins are magic and can cure cancer, heal retarded kids, and aid in the birth of human babies. Wait, what? Didn’t Penn and Teller do a show about that on Bullshit a few weeks ago? Hmm, well dolphins may not be magic, but sharks sure are! Listen to the accounts of amputees who got new limbs from sharks who sensed their pain! Be amazed as sharks deliver a Florida woman’s triplets in the middle of the Atlantic! Relive the account of a slave who jumped ship in the 17th century who was safely taken to land by a bull shark!

What happens when sharks are fed sticks of dynamite? Explosive fun, that’s what!

Sharks of the Bible
How did Noah save the sharks? Find out in this Jesus approved documentary. Included, end times prophesies made by great whites, teaching Christianity to sharks, and the fact of creation 6000 years ago.

Business Sharks
Discover the tactics used by today’s CEOs and how you can get richer by cutting employee expenses back to the point where they need to bring their own cubicle to work!

See divers and swimmers race against great whites at the Olympic Games! Cut because shark week was too early in the year.

Shark Hump
The sexual method for sharks of all kinds is examined. Included, fish porn.

Will It Eat?
Tiger sharks, which are notorious for eating everything, are fed a variety of funny things, like clown noses, shoes, to televangelists. See which ones the sharks like and loath!

Those were some of the shows that didn’t make it to this year’s Shark Week. With any luck, we can see them next year! Keep your fins crossed, damn you!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Rules of the Pool!

It’s been quite some time since I last posted an article. It must be from the sheer number of village raids and sacking of imperial cities I’ve been up to lately. But enough about my job, let’s get down to something that’s been bugging me for a while. You see, I frequently allow my neighbor’s kids into my pool. However, it has become obvious to me that these children and pre-teens don’t have the faintest idea on how to behave properly in someone else’s pool.

So, I have compiled a list of general rules and arranged them into a contract for anyone wishing to use my large Gibraltar swimmin’ hole. Some of these are obvious, others are less so but if people didn’t do them, I wouldn’t have to list them here.


Welcome to my swimming pool! I hope you enjoy yourselves on these hot days before the school buses once again start rolling and you all cry as the final day of vacation inevitably arrives while I watch in amusement. Before you get ready for some cool, watery relief, first read through this agreement and be sure you understand all the rules!

Before entering the pool, be sure to clean your feet off at the hose in order to prevent dirt, grass and bacteria from entering my godly water. A better thought is to wear shoes until you get on the deck.

You agree not kick off the edges of the pool wall while in the water in order to see who can move the farthest through the water on one kick. The walls are not strong enough to do this, and neither is the liner.

You agree not kick off the edges of the pool, the liner here is the weakest as it is not flush to the wall and the slightest aggression can tear it. If the liner is torn from this kind of horseplay, you are expected to pay FULL COMPENSATION for a new liner and installation. No exceptions.

You agree that the releasing of liquid waste, or “piss”, in the pool will result in your suspension of pool use for one week.

You agree that the releasing of solid waste, or “shit”, in the pool will result in the permanent suspension of all pool privileges. You will also pay FULL COMPENSATION for the decontamination of the pool, a new liner, and a full load of water. No exceptions.

You agree not to jump, dive or dance into the water from the deck. This may cause permanent or fatal injury. If you ignore this rule, the issuer of this agreement is NOT to be held at fault as you did not follow the proper rules that you agreed to. No exceptions.

You are not to engage in any “self manipulation” in the water, on the deck or within one hundred yards of the pool.

You are not to engage in any “self manipulation” by means of a pool toy.

You agree not to bring any of the following into the water: bottles, cans, laundry, shoes, glass, plastic toys that get sucked into and clog the skimmer, flowers, batteries, electronic toys, eyeglasses, cement, scissors, knives, or any other sharp objects that could damage the liner.

You agree not to use or even ask to use the pool when thunder is rumbling in the distance and a severe weather alert has been issued by the National Weather Service. If you ignore this rule and use the pool at such an event, any resulting injuries will NOT be the fault of the contractor.

The use of music at the poolside is restricted to the following artists: Dethklok, Rush, Dream Theater, and Chopin.

You agree that screaming is prohibited and that this rule will be strongly enforced.

You agree to only play Marco Polo if the volume levels do not exceeded 70dB. You will be monitored.

You may only use inflatable pool toys that you are actually capable of riding on, i.e. if you can not, and have never been able to stay afloat on it for more than a second on your own power, it is not allowed in the pool.

You agree not to use the pool as a skating rink in the winter months.

You agree not to pop the bubbles in the solar cover as if it were bubble wrap.

Punishment for failure to follow the above rules will be issued on a three strike system. For the first offence of any rule, you will be removed from the pool for a period of up to ten minutes. On a second offense, you will be removed from the pool for the remainder of the day. For a third offense, your privilege to use my pool will be suspended for ONE WEEK. The only rules that are exceptions to this are the ones that clearly state the punishment in the description.

Returning to the pool while under suspension will result in an additional week tacked onto your suspension and so on.

After reading the contract, circle one of the following:

I have read and agree to the above rules and I understand the consequences of horseplay. Now please all mighty Viking Master, let me use your pool!

I do not agree with your rules and will not uphold this legal, binding contract.

In the event of choosing the latter, you will not be allowed to enter the pool for a whole year. When this contract expires you may apply for next summer’s.