Sunday, June 29, 2008

Oh No, Not Another Shitty Hulk Toy!

Shortly after posting my last article on the worst toys that came out for the new Hulk movie, I saw an advert for a singing, dancing, plush Hulk doll. And it sings the "Hulky Pokey".


This is the stuff nightmares are made of:

Here's a still of the doll:

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Lets Get Hot!

A few days ago, I got this bullshit piece of spam in my mailbox:

Date: Jun 19, 2008 at 4:36 AM
From: adultsexyphotos@gmail.com
To: Krowness.viking@gmail.com
Subject: Hot news to me

Greetings!

I'm the owner of a new Sex News Blog

(blog address removed to block traffic to it)

Now I'm seeking for new friends and partners.

I want to propose you to exchange links with your blog
http://krowness.blogspot.com/ for visitors interchange.

I'm sure our cooperation will be useful for our visitors.

Please, review my suggestion and give me the answer.

Hope to hear from you soon!



Oh what a wonderful idea! I can put ads for porno all over my website and soon enough I’ll have a page covered in spooge and shame!

I don’t advertise my site. I never will advertise it. Hell, I don’t even use the feature to put ads on it for a little extra money! The reason being that the money received from it is most likely pennies, and due to the nature of my articles, poking fun at sexual fetishes and warning about Famous Poets Society scams, it is most likely that the ads might link to a wanker hive or the dreaded Poet Fucks.

So I replied with this:

Hello. You have obviously never read my website, as you would know better than to send me this kind of garbage. I do not advertise my website; it has been found and read and is growing popular by word of mouth alone.

My readers do not need bombardments with sex websites with whores who are giving all they have for a few more doses of smack.

I appreciate your desperate attempt, however, to reach more readers. I always love reading bullshit mail so I can give my delete key a good workout.

~Krowness the Viking



I have removed all links to that site to block traffic from mine to his and did not even bother to show it, since I don’t need anyone copying and pasting it and getting credit to this asshole’s cumfest.

Send them a message that Odin will rip their cocks off for annoying a Viking.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Incredible Hulk: Bad Movie, Worse Toys!

Wasn’t there already an Incredible Hulk movie not too long ago? Oh yes, I remember, it was the one with the giant hopping watermelon in it that critics took a giant shit on! Well, I hate to disappoint, but the remake that has come out this month looks just as bad. Just because Hulk isn’t a florescent, slightly gay, green color, doesn’t mean that terrible CGI effects and a pointless plot of smashing things will make a good movie.

But as with any superhero movie, there is the abundance of toys to go along with it! Now, I love toys, and still have all of my old dinosaurs, action figures and various others that will never be thrown out. Superheroes were something I never really got into as toys, but looking at the pure cheese that comes out with supposed blockbusters is great entertainment! So when I was last in the toy isle, like any other normal 21 year old male, I couldn’t help but look at the horrors of the Incredible Hulk merch line.

You would think that with Iron Man being the hit it was (I never saw it and refuse to, as Iron Man sucks. The fact that the majority of his appearances are as a special guest in X-Men says a lot) it seems moot for Marvel to launch a line for a new Hulk film, or even release it so close to Iron Man. So, without further ado, here are some of the horrible toys to go along with the movie!


The Hulk Mask!

This was released alongside the new Hulk Hands that make smashing sound effects and roars when little Billy punches his sister’s jaw. Apart from looking like shit, it seems to have such a small opening for air, that kids will most likely suffocate under it, especially if running around yelling “Hulk Smash!” and getting their tongue stuck in the little slit like Hank Venture with his Batman mask. But hey, it glows in the dark! It can’t be that bad, right?


Hulk Operation!

Oh dear, what has Hulk gotten himself into this time?! It seems that he has a teddy bear stuck in his foot that Spiderman is attempting to remove as a stench cloud wafts towards him. Iron Man seems to be offering support in the last hours of the green hero’s life. All the while Hulk is giving the thumbs up! Now, I know that with big movies, and popular TV shows, variations of board games always come about, usually Monopoly is the victim (but the real victims are the players). And guess what, it also glows! The eyes do anyway.




Hulk Muscle Costume!

There must be a message on the box for this that says something like “neck not included”. This seems to make up for the Hulk mask, since rather than a simple facial mask; this thing covers the entire head. Though it looks more like a painted box than the Hulk’s gloriously angry visage. I wonder if the feet are actually costume socks, or if the model had to spray paint them (or Photoshop was used), as they look out of place with the rest of the costume that looks like a smelly, sweaty piece of gym wear for dorks.



The Return of Hulk Hands!

These have been out since the first Hulk movie in 2003, and have been on the shelves since then, collecting dust; just like they did when they were released. But this time, they made them darker to mach the more “realistic” appearance of the Hulk in his new feature, unlike the equally florescent ones from 5 years ago. Guess what, they do the exact same thing as their predecessor, the box just has a different image on it! But don’t let that stop you from buying them for your kids, even though they still have the originals.



Hulk Figure with Shield!

What does the Incredible Hulk need shields for? When did he ever use such a device for that matter? I know that if I were in his gigantic green shoes, I would probably use my massive girth as a defensive device rather than rely on the shoddy construction of what appears to be toy airplanes made in China as “shields”. The lead in them is probably more lethal than any bullets anyway.



That about wraps things up. Most of the images are courtesy of comics.ing.com as I was not about to waste space on my digital camera with images of shitty toys. That and I weren’t allowed to take the pictures while in Target, since I might be evil and use them for terrorism or something.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

A Very Special Krowness Love Poem!

A Trilogy of Dates

I took a girl to the Phantom Menace,
Hoping to get a feel of her dress.
She saw Darth Maul,
Gagged at Jar-Jar
And wanted to haul
Qui-gon to bed.

I took a girl to Attack of the Clones,
All the characters did was drone
About politics, droids and
Jedis with fiery pants.
I wanted to laugh but
Only could cry as she slipped
Into a coma from the Lucas
Void.

I took a girl to Revenge of the Sith,
Hoping to land my very first kiss.
It left a bad taste
My time it did waste,
As the obvious fall of Anakin
Came 'round.

This girl, oh yeah. I boned her.

The Mist is Stupid and Shitty!

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a Stephen King movie. There is nothing good about them. They are three hours long, have a plot so drawn out that you forget what tiny details were given in the beginning which end up leading to the grand finale, monsters that are nothing but terrible CGI effects with teeth and the list goes on. The only one that didn’t suck was The Shining, only because he didn’t get his shitty hands on it. Of course, they had to remake it under his guidance as a TV special, and guess what; it blew.

Some, however, I love to watch just because they are so insanely bad, that they are good. The two that fit this are Trucks and The Mangler. The first is a remake of Maximum Overdrive and the second is about a laundry press possessed by Satan that demands human sacrifice by 16 year old girls on their birthday. Both are incredibly bad but are also incredibly funny. Once I get them on DVD, I’ll do an in depth analysis.

But one film sucks more balls than a Vietnamese crack whore; The Mist. I had the misfortune of watching this, paying for it, and losing half my brain cells in the process. When I rented it, I heard a few things were good, but knew I wasn’t going to get anything worth my while. Seeing that it is Stephen King and all, I figured it was another one of those so bad, it’s good flicks. Right? Wrong!

In fact, I can sum it up in only two, fucking two, points!


That’s about the whole movie. I heard many people say that this ending was so good and such a twist. Yeah and so is taking a shit, or dying. It was the kind of ending that pisses me off because it was obviously thrown together. This film is so shitty that you can’t even play the home version of Mystery Science Theater 3000 with it!

Don’t see The Mist unless you are a masochistic little bastard.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Going Green, Digital Transition and Other Bullshit!

Have you ever heard something so asinine you want to kill a mama panda and eat it in front of its babies? Well today, on this lovely Friday the 13th, we are going to explore such ass-hattery that proves humanity is an unnecessary virus.


Going Green

What is the big deal with this shit? They even have a television network now dedicated to living “green”! What does that really mean anyway? Is green a new universal symbol for environmentalism? If so, then it proves that these old hippies are getting dumber (as they cause more pollution and kill more trees by making/handing out “save the rainforest” posters) because the last I checked, Earth was 70% water, and therefore looks fucking blue as the photons from the sun are converted to hadrons after reflecting off the water molecules and reach your eyes.

If going green were really about saving the earth and energy, it’d be called “going blue” instead. Unless these green freaks are actually green men, green men from Mars! Yeah, fucking Martians, trying to make us dependent on alternative energy so we can’t produce enough guns to kill them when they invade.

Next time you hear someone talking about going green, kill them for Martian espionage; it’s the American thing to do. Unless you hate America, traitor.


Digital Transition

This is just as stupid. I’m all set for this ridiculous law because I reluctantly have digital cable from the worst company on the Earth, i.e. Comcast (one look at their website shows how deep their heads are up their ass). But the fact that this is a law, it where the idiocy is.

What on Earth is accomplished by forcing every network in the country to broadcast in digital only, apart from approximately thirteen tons of dollar bills? What if I broadcast KrownessTV in analog, because I can? Will you jail me with Big Bubba, or execute me? Or just fine me for every penny I have because I just can’t afford the equipment needed for “DTV”. I hate initialisms.

It really speaks for your country when they put what type of TV you have in a higher priority than, I don’t know, say the crimes of the Bush Administration, genocide in Africa, a life/money wasting war over a bunch of sand, etc.


Coldplay

They suck, and their commercial for bullshit iTunes is proof they need to be shot into the sun.


December 21, 2012

When this date comes around, there will probably be panic as the New Age crystal humpers get everyone riled up for the end of the world. To add to it, all of Jeebus’ loony followers will be out picketing the cities about the Rapture. What will happen? The same as Y2K; nothing.


The Rapture

After writing the above statement, I had to include this. There is no such thing as the Rapture; it’s not even in the fucking Bible. Besides, Jesus has to be real for this to happen. And he’s about as real as Santa, the Easter Bunny and Mervil the Magic Flying Clown:



He’s a Muslim!

This is most often brought up when talking about Barack Obama. I’m not a Democrat, nor am I Repuklican, but he is not a Muslim, nor was he born in Iraq. Fundies are usually the ones who spread this bullshit. I don’t know why people listen to them, if you actually bothered to understand the crap they believe, then you’d just walk away laughing.

And besides, if he were, so what? Does being Muslim automatically mean being a terrorist? That same logic can apply to anything, such as these past examples:

Japanese are enemies! (And were forced into detainment camps during WW2).
Indians are Devils! (They were almost all wiped out from this).
The Jews caused the first war! (I don’t think this one needs an explanation).



So, if you believe any of the above, support it or anything, kindly save your brain from the exhausting work of living and put it down.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Why I Love the DMV!

Everyone has probably heard a comedian making a joke about how much going to the Department of Motor Vehicles sucks, or seen the exact same thing on incredibly retarded sitcoms (example: Two and a Half Men). They all do the same thing, bitch and moan about how long the wait is:


Unfortunately, since the 1990s, the wait has been incredibly reasonable and a trip to the DMV is no longer a day’s adventure. So why are these comedians and alleged humor writers (who are all far from it) still griping?

I for one love going to the DMV. No, there isn’t a hot Viking chick working there, nor is it because I find waiting, although briefly, fun. It is for one thing; the people. Honest to Odin, the DMV is proof as to why humanity needs to go extinct. It is the only place on Earth where you can see dumbasses of every single kind in one place! It is the circus for stupid people, cock sucks, half-tards, the batshit insane, ADHD children with mouth breathing dolts for parents, and people digging so far into their nose, they may cause permanent damage to their already inferior brain.

The last time I went was to update my state ID because I was turning 21. And I got quite the show in the twelve short minutes I had to wait for my new picture to be taken, pass in my info, and pay a $15 fee.

When I arrived, I took the appropriate forms and began to work on them. There was a man sitting next to me on the bench, who looked to be in his late 40s and like lived in a shotgun shack somewhere in the mountains at the Massachusetts/New Hampshire border. If his horrible appearance and smell did not add to his already terrible state, he was clearly insane. He talked to himself the entire time about the government, the scary forms he had to fill out and how everyone watches him. Yeah, when you appear to be a dangerous individual who talks to himself, I wonder why they watch.

Then there was a three year old running about like mad. His mother had no interest in keeping him quiet or occupied. He would grab some of the kid’s books they keep and start throwing it around the room, and then when his mother tried to grab him, he ran away and hid under benches, behind the counters and even in the room where they keep the kiosks for the permit test. Once he was finally apprehended, he stayed still for a minute and started to run around all over again. Then he started to whine because he wanted to go the Friendly’s across the street. Apparently he had been promised this if he went to the DMV with mommy first because her license was four months expired. If that were my kid, there’d be no way we’d be going out for junk food. Maybe we’d go out to look at military school or a nice new leash, but not burgers and sundaes.

That reminds me of how much I hate Friendly’s. I used to make ice cream a meal when I was a kid, and got extreme diarrhea from it. How can they use that as their slogan then? They leave out important information about how inflamed your bowels will become after a meal of ice cream. Bastards.

Then of course there are the teenagers, who are either getting their permit, road test or are getting their license suspended for being a douche bag. The ones there for the permit always prance about they are cool shit, even though they barely passed the test, they feel it makes them smart. These are the kids who grow up into the speeding drag racers who always seem to get their cars stuck upside down right around prom night.

The ones taking the road test can be fun since they always are scared shitless as they head out with the state police officer to start. All I can think of is Rocko’s Modern Life where our favorite wallaby has to go through the entire system just because his car was missing a gas cap. I like to shout out to them “Don’t get the fat guy!” but most of these dumbasses grew up so late in the ‘90s that they have no clue what I’m talking about.

And finally, there are the teens who fucked up. My ex-girlfriend, we’ll call her Super Bitch, go into some shit for driving a friend to school when she didn’t have her license long enough to do so. She ended up getting it suspended for three months and I had to put up with her bitching about how she couldn’t get to her stupid job at a shitty grocery store to make her precious $1.25 an hour so she can end up getting laid and married to the manager. Thus proving that abortions are sometimes necessary.