Thursday, April 24, 2008

Invasion of the Wraps!

I don’t know what is going on in the world today that every fast food restaurant now serves wraps. Every fucking day I see Burger King, McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken and others selling wraps, and showcasing them in a way that makes them look superior to a normal sandwich (i.e. not the shit these places serve).

What is the big fucking deal? In the ads, they show people stuffing their strangely fit bodies with this garbage and how more productive you can be since it only takes one hand to eat it. Really? Then that makes it perfect for driving with! With legislatures pushing to ban driving with cell phones because operating a car with only one hand is dangerous, these fast food whores want to make up for it.

Now instead of talking and driving, you can get a nice hardy breakfast “with a one handed meal that tastes like a two handed one” as Wendy’s sort of puts it (I’m paraphrasing since I don’t want to listen to their commercials like a dumbass simian).

What pisses me off most about these is the fact that everyone is trying to outdo each other with wraps, and none of them are even remotely appetizing. I know Wendy’s claims that their chicken wraps are great because they use a nice center cut of the breast. Yeah, you know what else that means? It means that when you bite into it, the whole mess is pulled out by your teeth and you’re left holding an empty piece of dough. If you’re driving at the time since they can be held so easily, the burning contents on your lap could cause you to swerve and kill yourself in a massive highway accident. Way to go dumbass.

The only wraps I’ve ever had in my life are tuna, not salads stuffed into an old sock with some chicken flavored lumps. Not only are the tuna wraps good, they are made with real food at the local the Trolley Stop Pizzaria. And no they are not a major conglomerate; there is only one (here's the website, now that is real "fast" food!).

Next time you see some asshole stuffing their portly mug with one of these, snatch if from their hands and stick in a much better hole.

Monday, April 7, 2008

When I Lost My ID!

I had mentioned that I once had a Visa debit card that was a piece of shit in my article on how much iTunes sucks. Well, now it’s time to detail why! You see, back in August or so when I got it, I used it to purchase audio engineering software (ProTools, Reason, etc.) for my home studio. Well, I noticed that every time I got an email detailing my balance, it would always be lower than what I had spent. Say I had a nice even $100 and spent twenty. Well the next email I would get says that I have a balance of $53.28.

Hmm. I found that they charged bullshit fees like maintenance or inactivity fees, meaning that I had not made any recent purchases. But after a while, it kept declining, and nearly put me in a debt to iTunes as you already know. Then I started getting emails from strange websites. Now when I say strange, I don’t mean conspiracy theories or celebrity sex tapes, I mean sites that focus on extreme fisting, bizarre fetishes (my favorite!) and strange purchases of products that I would guess have a sexual purpose such as a pair of spiked gloves, a whip and a Furby (yes these were really billed to my debit card!).

Well, one of the sites that emailed me long after I cancelled the card was a fetishist site called The WAM Bank. Now, WAM appears in my
first article on strange sexual urges, so had I not written it, I’d have no fucking clue what this shit was. Now, this stupid site apparently allows you to download videos for free, but for some type of store credit that you can buy. Well, I was charged not once, but twice by this site. As I’ve said, I’m a very traditional person when it comes to sex, so this was a mystery to me. It turns out someone in Boston had gotten a hold of my card number, probably from my audio software orders when they passed through the city en rout to my home.

So I started getting emails about some dick uploading videos and getting rejected, and credits from “friends” uploading sick videos. Since to use my card you had to have my email address, it seems that this wanker used both to buy videos and post content, receiving some in return, and I’m not only stuck with the bill but the entire system of transactions!

I emailed the moderator to shut down the account because it was using my identity and making fraudulent charges. They agreed, but the emails kept coming. I threatened to file a police report and they took it like I was threatening their lives.

That is until this morning when I got this gem from one of the mad spankers that runs the site. I’m not kidding, this is the most ridiculous excuse for poor grammar and spelling I have ever seen. I think even a first grader can do better, all information regarding my name and contact info (which was used by the identity thief) has been removed:

Hello [name removed]
or should I say [user ID removed]
Because that is your user name on our site and the IP is [IP removed]
which are (sic) a Boston, Massachusetts IP number...

So [name removed]
till now I treat all this as a joke and I did not wanted (sic) to act but I've had enough of you.

You said that we spam you? We never sent ONE spam e-mail in our life BUT we have a written proof from you that you a (sic) US...

What the fuck does that mean?

We will close your account for now BUT IF we will (sic) get one more e-mail from you with harassing text or lies then we will contact your ISP and will file a complain... (sic)

So be very careful and quiet like a mouse because if you bother our moderators with your false e-mails like (I do not have an account) (stop spam (sic) me)... REALLY?
and who the hell make the account on our site and download (sic) 50 clips?

Uh, the fucktard that stole my ID you twat?

And pay for that with the credit card... TWICE

Be very careful mr.
(sic) because your jokes are not (sic) longer funny... don't accuse this website of anything that is not true because you have no right to do it.

I could ask Visa to send me a copy of your credit card because as a service provider to you I have the right to ask it BUT I think it's not worth my time.
If you continue to e-mail us then we will have no choice then to end your complains (sic) somehow.


Well, I had to once again explain the entire mess and they were finally nice enough to close the account of the user that stole my ID and acted kind about it. Good, good for you. But was the above email really needed? You clearly were not thinking when you wrote it, seeing that you have errors all over the place and sound like a child throwing a temper tantrum. Or like a
Famous Poet.

What makes it worse is that some of the payments were made
after I cancelled my card but that didn’t stop Mr. Hacker McSpank from ruining my life (see how I used the abbreviation of mister correctly and capitalized it?). This is the last debit card I will ever use, I have a new type, but I feel that just by saying any more I can risk having that stolen and I don’t feel like going through this bullshit again.

If you have one of those Visa or MasterCard debit cards that you can pick up in a pharmacy, cancel it and burn it. They have lax security, ridiculous hidden fees and if you use it once, you’ll be a victim to some teenager who wants to masturbate to some strange fetish that you can probably see for free on YouTube.

Ditch this bullshit.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Attention Duke Ellington’s Ghost: Jazz is No Longer Considered Music!

Well, as you all know, I hate Fitchburg State. So it is no surprise that I have filled out several transfer applications over this past semester in order to get away from bullshit and start focusing on my career in music, with a double major in plunder of course. I was accepted to Anna Maria College and had to audition for the music department. “Okay”, I thought, “no big deal, I’ve done many auditions, performances, solos, etc. No biggie.”

I did a rendition of a Chopin waltz, a jazz ballad and a standard blues tune. They love it, except for the fact that it’s not real music, and that it is jazz. My classical waltz was even rendered as “too jazzy” and that I should “backpedal to relearn it in its entirety the right way.” Oh really. When I played that for my teacher, he loved it and said I was the only student he’s had to ever get that far. To be jazz, it would need improvisation, maybe a swing rhythm, stronger tensions and syncopations. Well, I didn’t do any of that, so it can’t be jazz then!

Anyway, I was accepted into the major, but not in the performance aspect, only in a traditional music major with piano as my principal instrument. No big deal, I can try again with “real” music, meaning the greatest hits of Gregorian Chants according to them I take it.

What gets me is that they have this idea that jazz, blues and other such music is not worthy of being performed, and just because of its style, it has to be treated as a separate animal. Musical technique is musical technique. Wake up call: there are some jazz compositions out there that rival classical in difficulty and overall sonic enjoyment.

Both styles have their own virtuosos, basic songs for beginners, and ridiculously hard arrangements that only the insane (or Vikings like myself) will attempt. I have a very strong technique in the ways of jazz, and just because of this, I get treated differently. Is it because I’m a Viking, or does it go deeper than “classical music traditions”, and into the fact that jazz was made by black people?

No matter their reasoning, the fact that I have to be segregated just because of a different musical background doesn’t seem fair, nor does it seem logical. A jazz musician can learn classical just as well as if the roles were reversed. But rather than try, it just seems a whole lot easier to segregate the styles and treat those who play anything other than classical with a little less respect than you’d give a racist fundie.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

The Death of Captain Planet!

Captain Planet was found dead this morning in his apartment, a gunshot wound in his head. Police were quick to call it a suicide until they found evidence that Global Warming had broken into his home.

“We found that all the ice in the freezer had melted, this was a clear sign. That and the traces of Global Warning’s DNA found around the body.” Said Captain Johnny Law in a press statement made at 12:00 p.m.

Global Warming is at large and state police are combing the area for any sign of the fugitive. The FBI has also been called in to aid in the search for the suspect. He is described as large and round, mostly blue with green to brown continents and sweats a lot. All information is to be reported immediately to the nearest authorities.

A memorial service will be held on Saturday courtesy of the Planeteers, the hours are 9:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Al Gore will lead the ceremony and many superheroes and even some villains are expected to show.

“Captain Planet and I were good friends, and went to college together,” says Spiderman, “we lost touch until about four years ago when we were called for a mission to keep the ice from melting in Antarctica. I held it together with my webs, he just kinda watched.”

The funeral will be held on Sunday, and Christian extremists of the Westboro Baptist Church are expected to protest, citing that Global Warming is imaginary and that the gay agenda is the real problem. Wolverine of the X-Men is expected to provide security against protestors.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Welcome to my magicall place!!!1! lolzz!!1!!

Hi everyone, it’s me Krowness lol! Most off u dont know me very well so i’d like to take the time right now to take the time to tell u alla bout me and my opinons!

Jesus is the only way to to the one true God, God™. If u don’t like that then theres pleny of room for ur false believes in Hell, HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL where all you dirty faggots go LOL!

2day i saw a homless man on the street 2day and he was begging me for money, but i cgave him somejing better, i gave him knowledge in JEsus as his personal savior so he can pray and become a good Christian™ and go to Heavan instead of beging me for money LOLS, he didnt even know that begging is a sin bc you’re asking for money and money is evil RMFAO!!!11!

I had an even bet er day the day B4 that one. i entered one of my poems about Jesus to this wonderful website called a few montsh ango and they got back to me saying that im gonna be in thier new angthology of poetry!!!! I’m so super excited that i stareted dancing around until I madea litte wet stpod in my boxers LLOLS!!!! I love you Lavender Aurora!

Then Jack and I had a great sandwich aat lunch andc I dold him that only viKings know how to make real sandwiche, and the recpie that i use is so easy:

2 bread slices
1 slice of chese
4 pickles
3 slices of turkey
italian dressing

And abosolutely no hot sauce whatsoever LOL! That stuff hurts when I eat it and I get diahrea! Real Vikigns dont eat hot sauce bc real men don’t eat it.

Today it rained to, i hate the rain, it keeps me inside and i cant got out to play football. Football is my favorite sport and i love playing it, when i cant play i usually play the latest version of madden in my collection. i have all the Madden games ever made RMFAO!!Lol!!1!!

Sometiems when im on line, i get into fights with athiesits about why evolution isnt not real so i have to yell at them about WHY GOD IS GOOD AND THE ONLY REASON THAT WE ARE HERE TODAY AND IF U DON’T UNDERSAND THAT HE’LL SEND U TO EHELL AND U’LL WILL BE BURNING FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER ANDD EVER AND THE PAIN WILL ENVER STOP AND YOU WILL WANT TO DIE BUT CANT BC U ARLEADY ARE LLOLOLOLOLOLOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!

i heart oprah shes so fll of wisdown for this declining age of satan that we live in and always sknwos what books are best for burning 4real.

My favorite drink in the hole wide world is diet cr3eam soda with lime juice, and when it comes to sex i just can’t keep little Krowness down when I see some hot chicks getting eaten in what i think they call vore flicks. That and hot 20 year olds lthat dress in adult diapers.

tats about all for now, i have to get to the tv so i can tune tino bill o riely on FOX for the lastest unbiased opinions in the world.! I heart u all LOLLSSS!!!zzzI!!!!!1!!