Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Day the School Burned!

Well, now that my recent work with Fitchburg State’s cabaret night is over, I can get back to updating my site. And what’s the best way to do this? Why it’s telling you all about the day I had! Now before you say ‘but Croiness (sic), I thought you didn’t like blogs like that!!!1one” and you are right. But you see, this was no ordinary day. You see, today one of the buildings at my school caught fire!

I was in my art appreciation course, studying art and religious propaganda (i.e. fundie art) when the alarm started to go off, twenty minutes before class ended. We’re all muttering about how some idiot must have pulled it as a prank and proceeded to very slowly leave, making sure we had all our stuff. Yes, in college we break those fire drill rules because we’re the dangerous type.

The second I enter the hallway, I smelled smoke. Great, there really was a fire after all! Nobody was panicking at, except for one teacher who looked like she was ready to start climbing over everyone to save her own ass first. When I got out I started listening to the rumors, like someone left brandy in the trash and a teacher threw a roach in it, or a science experiment went wrong (although this was the art building, not the science, go figure), etc.

I was finally able to get a report from a staff member who saw it, and it was nothing more than a radiator fan that started to smoke. This is twice that I've been in a fire like this, the first was back in high school.

Yeah, not as bad as everyone made it seem, huh? Well I’ll tell you, I’m sure glad that I got scared to death from Fanny Flame back in kindergarten so I’d be able to live and tell you all about this. Oh wait, no I’m not. Routine fire drills prepared me, not that scare film. Oh well, I lived to tell the tale at least.

The shit I go through for you people.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Bizarre, Unusual, and Downright Insane Sexual Fetishes II!

Clowns, bed wetters, and people who enjoy fantasizing about seeing a lover eaten. When I made my last article on sexual fetishes, I thought I had seen it all. Then I stumbled on some even stranger turn-ons while browsing YouTube. That video cesspool (which I have an account on for my original music videos) has once again turned out to be a gold mine of stupid. If you thought my last article was enough to kill your faith in humanity, think again.

It makes me wonder; whatever happened to the old days where the only things a guy would look for in a gal was a pretty face, great legs and a good personality (i.e. not evil)? I look for all three of these in a girl, and nothing else. What makes some go over the edge of sanity and into the world of vore? Who knows, but at least those vore heads can rest knowing that there are weirder fetishes out there. So, without further ado, here they are!

Nyotaimori: Remember how I said Japan can be fucked up at times when it came to their pants wetting fetish (Omorashi)? Well, I believe that this statement needs to be taken back. Japan is not fucked up at times. It is completely fucked up all the time. This fetish involves eating sushi off your naked partner. Now, maybe if it were a tiny bit of chocolate sauce or whipped cream (in the naughty places), I'd be interested, but sushi? What the fuck? I never had sushi before and was curious to try it, until now. Now when I think of raw fish, I’ll think of insane wankers eating a fishy bikini off their lover.

The Diaper Fetish: Those of you who know about this little piece of insanity will wonder why it took so long to get on my site and was not showcased in my last article. The answer; I thought it would be too obvious. That and I was not ready to do any research on this until I could get some hard liquor, which I now have. When I see someone in a diaper I think of two things; they shit themselves or they’re a baby. In either case, I would not want to be banging them. So why do some people dress this way to get hot? Most likely a severe inferiority complex mixed with feelings for mommy when the shit pants got changed.

The Geyser: I don’t know if this qualifies as a fetish, but it’s certainly bizarre. We all know what happens when you mix Mentos with Diet Pepsi right? Well, what if you were to do this same thing with a woman’s baby cannon filled with the same soda?

The Catholic School Girl: I went to a Catholic school. Yes, the girls I went to class with were smoking hot. But, in reality this is so freaking rare. Most girls that don the classic skirt and sweater have acne, are fat and have features so plain that you can sympathize with the dendrophiles that screw trees. There’s a classic picture about this online, which I have included below:

The Non-Transgender Who Likes Dressing Transgender: “Hi, I’m Jeb. I don’t like them cross dressing fairies. But when I slip into a dress or don some panties, I can’t keep little Jebby from getting up!”

Sure, go to the airport bathroom and tap your foot now.

Anthropophagolagnia: This is disgusting. This is the rape fetish. I didn’t think that anyone could possibly have this, and that it was only hypothetical, but then I found a quote from a user on a Japanese culture forum that read:

I'm very aroused when I envision a sexy woman "rapes" me and has her way with me, and then castrates me. Of course I don't really want her to castrate me in real life, but nonetheless the thought of it turns me on. The thought of her taking my manhood away from me is kinda showing her dominance over me and how she owns me and I'm her sex slave. The same kind of arousal comes about when I imagine a woman giving oral sex to me. I imagine that she is devouring me and claiming my penis as hers. I love that "black widow eating the male spider" analogy.

Naturally, it’s a guy (the dick talk should have made that clear, unless you're a dumbass), as I cannot imagine any sane woman having this desire. I will not list the name of the user or the forum it came from, but it’s clearly not the kind of person I’d want to meet. The castration part deserves a whole other fetish listed, which brings me to…

Castration Fetish: Read the above quote. Not much more can be said.

Hierophilia: This should be connected to the Catholic school girl fetish. This is when you get turned on by religious icons. Yeah, Jesus on the cross just makes me so stiff that I can’t keep it in. At least this explains the Priest Rape scenario. All those statues of saints, God and Mary must have them running to the confessionals to rub one off.

Coprophilia: This is another obvious one, and once more, it was excluded from the last article for that very reason like the diaper fetish. If you ever saw the South Park movie and saw the scene where the boys are watching Cartman’s mom in a German Schei├čer video, then you know what this is. The thought of seeing someone get shit on, or eating it makes me want to kill myself. But some people just can’t keep their pants cool when they see this happen. If this turns you on, kindly die.

Macrophilia: Ever fantasized about being at the mercy of a giant who wants nothing more than sex? Well I haven’t. Apparently this is the best place to call sex “snoo-snoo” like they did in one episode of Futurama. Some old B-Movies about giant, radioactive women invading Earth may also have this connection. More on that when I review some of those flicks.

Hobosexual: When you are turned on by the fact that someone is homeless. This is made up by friends of mine in cabaret night (which I accompanied on piano) for a skit, but I guarantee that someone out there is jacking off to the thought of a poor soul living in the street.

Wakamezake: Once more, I take back what I said about Japan. This is more fucked up than the other two combined (nyotaimori and omorashi). This involves pouring sake down a woman’s pussy. She then folds her legs to make a “cup”, the pubes resembling seaweed, and the man (or lesbian) then literally sucks it dry. Sure, you can argue that it’s just oral with some added spice, but, then you’d be an idiot.

Klismaphilia: I never had to use enema, and I hope to Odin that I never do. But some people enjoy ramming a medicinal tube up their asshole and flushing it.

Insect Fetish: I don’t know if this is connected to the transformations fetishes I covered last time, or an obsession with Kafka’s The Metamorphosis that went horribly wrong. I have no clue if it involves insects crawling over ones body (which is a real fetish) or being turned into a bug. Either way, I’d rather not know.

Hybristophilia: This is getting a stiffy for someone who has committed a horrible crime like murder or rape. Criminals deserve to rot in jail, with only Big Bubba to give them love. Nobody should find them sexually appealing because of their crimes. If anyone out there finds Manson attractive for his deeds and those of similar people should be put in an asylum and have daily lobotomies.

The last one has a direct relation to the number one spot in Bizarre, Unusual and Downright Insane Sexual Fetishes II:

The Murder Fetish: Have you ever fantasized about killing your partner and getting incredibly hard by doing so? Do you think it’s sexy shit when a girl in a movie gets a bullet in the head? If you do, then you need a super dose of medications and maybe drive that revved up motor of yours into the heart of the sun. There was one dick on YouTube that constantly put clips of women getting killed up on the site, and went on and on about how hot it was. What made it worse was how the people commenting agreed. This seems to be a sub sect of sadism, but it is so incredibly outrageous that it has to be included by itself. I mean for the love of all that is good, you’re imaging the death of someone you love and jacking to it!

There you have it. Another list of insanity and naughty body parts. Do you fit in to any of these fetishes? If so, I suggest curing yourself by drinking hair dye. Hopefully there will be no need for a part three, but if so, I’ll see you and that disgusting bulge next time.