Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Something Shiny for Your Interest!

Valentine’s Day was last week (yes I did have a successful Cupid Massacre, how about you?) and I couldn’t be happier. That is until I turn on the radio while I drive to school. Every month there seems to be another reason to get that stupid girl you’re dating a new piece of jewelry in a futile hope to get her in the sack. I have to put up with ads from Jared (with the whinny ladies crooning the name), Kay and many others. Just because a rock is rare does not make it valuable. I’ll tell you what does, it’s because early man was fascinated with how is sparkled!

What gets me is that women still have this infatuation today! If you really love her, why don’t you actually show her by treating her with respect, biting the bullet and acting like a pussy so you can play one of her stupid fantasies for one night (please, no more than once, us men can’t take that crap for long before we leave you for good ol’ masturbation), or if your lady has thunder thighs, maybe treat her to a spot on Big Medicine. Something shiny is how you get a crow or a magpie to like you. (Although, with some women, a crow is just what you may get).

I know for a fact that any girl that was meant to be with me would be much more appreciative if I came home with the decapitated head of a Viking enemy, a freshly killed deer or some trinkets I got from my share of the battle. If I came home with a diamond ring, one of those god ugly “journey necklaces”, or some earrings, I’d not only be spending the night in the snow with the dogs, but I’d also have my axe stuck in my brain.

But the number one thing to know is this; if the girl you’re getting jewelry for is impressed by it, you’re not getting laid. Why? Because she’s an idiot who probably doesn’t even know what sex is yet, or how to open a door, etc. Either that or she’s a manipulative bitch who just wants shit and won’t even bother to thank you. Don’t worry though, she’ll break up with you soon enough and you can always try suicide.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Having a Public Meeting? Keep it in the Public!

Tonight I had jazz ensemble rehearsal at the death camp called Fitchburg State. I go around to the back of the music building and find that the handicapped space has been filled by a radio truck for FATV. Now, even though I was not going to park there, the principle of the matter was that this asshole was parked in a space made for disabled individuals and had wires running all over the stairs. I wish I had fallen and broken a bone so I could take them to court, but oh well.

So, I pull out my bass and proceed to walk over. I tell them that they are illegally parked since they do not have a placard or specialized license plate. My conversation went something like this:

Me: You know you are parked illegally? I don’t see any handicapped plate on your vehicle over there.

Teamster: …

Me: Hello, are you deaf or just plain stupid?

Teamster: There’s a meeting going on in there, and we’re covering it.

Me: That’s not what I asked. If you don’t move this big gay van out of the way, I’ll just have to call up a state trooper and see how fast he can get a tow truck to move it for you.

Teamster: …

Of course nothing happened so I just walked away while shouting how I don’t negotiate with assholes or criminals. I get inside the building and find out that the public meeting is ironically on choosing a new police chief. Well, whoever they choose better know what to do if he or she sees someone illegally parked, even if it is them, or for them.

Well, rehearsal finished after an hour and half and while walking out, some slimy dolt who thought his shit didn’t stink confronts some of the band’s trumpeters because they were “too loud”. Well, now I was getting really pissed off. I asked who he thought he was and what right did he have to treat students and community band members like a hunk of puss. He comes back with “this is a public forum, keep it down” to me. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that my school (if I can even call it that) is a public place for town meetings. Next time I’m trying to sleep or take a dump in the mailbox at Fitchburg City Hall I’ll remember that.

If it’s a town meeting or public forum, keep it fucking public! You have no need to take over the school, which is run by the state not the town, when you have a perfectly good city hall which was made for such events! How about I come over to your place of business and have jazz rehearsal? Wouldn’t like that, huh? Well, we don’t like it when you take over our business! So anyways, after that little slimy shit thought he won, I dropped kicked him and ran a PCV pipe through his forehead. That’ll show him to mess with a Viking.

Anyone who works for a public office should understand this; if you are holding a forum in a place that is not run by your government, either fucking pay to use another business, such as local college run by the state, or don’t do it all! You have no right to violate the space of those who are trying to get an education in a (deplorable) school unless your decisions make a direct impact on it.

How about this city of Fitchburg? Now that you’ve actually seen the college, how about you do something about the funky smell I put up with in every class from the mold and water logged carpets? Or better yet, how about you fucking pave North Street since it has more craters than Mercury? Oh I know, you’ll only give money to redo the main building’s face, for the third fucking time.

Monday, February 4, 2008

No "Happy Ending" for the Pats at the Super Blow!

It’s common knowledge that I hate football. So, instead of rotting my mind in front of the television last night at the “big game”, I was quite content to spend the evening playing Chopin at my piano and studying the theories of parallel universes. However, being a New Englander, avoiding the news was hard, and I was rather amused when the Patriots completely sucked and blew it in the last game of the season, only four points short of a history making perfect record.

If this isn’t a message that cheaters never win, then I don’t know what is. It’s well known that this team cheated in their first game of the season, was caught and continued to win every game until last night. Hmm, yeah, they kept it clean. If they did it once, they did it every time. In fact, I’ll go as far as to say that the Patriots never deserved to even go to the Super Bowl! Nor, did they deserve eighteen wins!

So here’s a message to the losers, shut the hell up. Suck it up and learn that cheating, and playing like a bunch of pussy dumbasses is not how you win. Now go deliver my pizza!

As of February 5, 2008, the news came out that the Patriots are once again under investigation for cheating. Remember, if they are found guilty, you heard it here first!