Thursday, January 31, 2008

Don’t Play Games with Fanny Flame!

When I was growing up, every October we would have a week dedicated to traumatizing myself and my peers in an event called “fire prevention week”. Now, I know this is a good thing, and that its message is very important to all people, especially the stupid ones who go out and light themselves on fire and get shown on YouTube in montages of failed stunt clips. Of course as kids, we loved the fact that we got to miss valuable class time to talk with local heroes, watch them spray the school with a fire hose and of course watch safety films instead of learning math.

However, one film in particular traumatized not only me, but everyone in my kindergarten class. That film was called:

This bitch will fucking BURN YOUR TONGUE OFF!

Honest to God, this movie scared the five year old shit out of me, and as I’m writing this I’m getting shivers. It starts with a friendly old man coming into a kindergarten class (just like mine!) and was talking about how fire is a tool. He begins by trying to hang an emergency exit map, hammering in a nail using an ice-cream scoop mind you, while everyone laughs at the joke except for one kid who looks around like “what the hell is so funny”. He’s probably about my age now or a little older, and is probably still in kindergarten. It’s nice and lighthearted. Then it turns down a path that only leads to years of therapy and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

He starts talking about a how a “fire can get bigger before you know it, and once it starts, it burns!” while a little girl stares in pure horror. And trust me; we all looked like her at the end of the film. I’d put an image of it up, but since it’s in a flash player and I’m taking a screenshot, it’s not working (don’t worry, I’ll make it up at the end). Then he continues with, “once something burns, it’s gone
forever, you’ve lost it.” scaring us even more! But, if we don’t want to learn the hard way, we have to see what happened to Patrick and Mary one day. Hello, child psychologist? Here I come!

It starts with Patrick playing on the floor with a toy truck, making an unnecessary amount of noise. His sister, Mary, yells at him because she’s busy playing with a dollhouse. Their mother is then seen setting up the dinner table and what’s on it? Why, candles of course! Instead of lighting them, she leaves the matches were stupid little Patrick can reach them (with the aid of a chair) and walks away. He gets a hold of one, lights it and out pops the fiery diva, Fanny Flame.

Looking at this now, I can laugh at just how cheesy the cartoon fireball is as it’s imposed into a live action setting. But as a kid, I was doing my best to duck behind the backs of others in front of me so I wouldn’t see the screen. In another act of humor I can only find as an adult, she acts like a
total whore to Patrick! She goes on about how fun and exciting and of course how hot she is! I can’t believe that I was not only scared by this, but they would actually have that kind of dialog in a movie aimed at children!

Of course, Patrick can’t resist this flaming siren and starts to play with her as she demonstrates just how useful she is by lighting the candles his mother foolishly forgot. He notices how beautiful they are and wants

After demonstrating her powers by melting the underside of Patrick’s truck, Mary comes in and sees Fanny floating about while massaging her own ego. Mary looks to her brother, terrified that he would play with matches. Though at this point, I’d be more concerned about him playing with
himself with the way he’s acting around Fanny. He was enchanted with how his toy, which we can assume he loves dearly, is now ruined. See, once it burns, it’s gone, baby!

After about seven minutes of showing herself off and entwining both children into her lying steam, they decide that it is okay to play with her. Apparently this was her goal the whole time. Act like a slut to get little kids to use her as a toy. When they agree, she cackles and goes into Mary’s dollhouse, while Mary tells her she’s the bride to the doll inside, or something stupid like that. Of course, the doll ignites, and soon the whole dollhouse is in flames. The smoke alarm goes off and their mother finally reappears and looks in shock at the burning toy while the kids just more or less stare nonchalantly. She then comes running back with a bucket filled with water and kills Fanny Flame. The dollhouse is nothing but a charred ruin.

Now, Patrick and Mary are terrified and hold onto their mother while crying. She consoles them by saying how they should
never play with matches or they could have been hurt, lost their house, or killed! Yes, back in the early 90s you could explain mortality to children, unlike now where everyone is immortal (except for animals and the guys you see on TV).

It goes back to the classroom were the friendly old guy is finishing his lecture to a now understanding class. He hangs up the exit sign and drives home the importance of not playing with matches as he does the same to the nail holding the sign.

Unfortunately, I can’t find a copy of this movie anywhere unless I want to spend my hard earned money to buy it from a fire marshal and then wait eight weeks for it to arrive. (I did this article mostly from memory, and trust me, with what this film did to me, I remember it well. I used any bootleg clips I could find for any other details). Then, once I post it I can guarantee it’d be removed. But, I was able to find a
clip of Don’t Play Games with Fanny Flame! It’s only 2:48 out of the full sixteen minute version, but it’s enough to set up the premise.

Now, remember the girl I mentioned with sheer terror on her eyes that looked like me and my classmates? She appears at 1:07. Note her look, yeah, that’s what this freaking movie did to me! All in all, this is a very cheesy film, but is still likely to scare kids today. But, hey, if your kids are acting up, you can always say what my dad did to me after kindergarten; “If you don’t behave, I’ll send Fanny after you!”

And now, for your viewing pleasure, the first two and a half minutes of
Don’t Play Games with Fanny Flame! Follow the link and click the speed best suited for your system. Enjoy!


kittyno said...

OMG I can't believe they still show this video to kids. I had to go to therapy after I watched this video, because I couldn't sleep for fear that my house was going to burn down in the middle of the night. Way too graphic to show to a bunch of kindergartners. I just watched that clip and got chills.

Anonymous said...

i was TERRIFIED by this as a child. i just watched the first couple minutes and got shivers again. ::shudder::

Anonymous said...

I can't believe someone else remembers this movie, and experienced the same trauma I did from watching it! I even remember when I saw it - October 1989, first grade, during Fire Prevention Week!

I think that if a remake is going to be made (and indeed it should!), Fanny Flame should have the voice of Boobarella on The Simpsons.

Ahh, Fanny Flame, you cheap and brazen hussy.

Ashley said...

Thank god someone else remembers this, my friends all think I'm INSANE... but this terrified the kindergarten pants off of me. I had nightmares for a long long time, I probably will again. lol.

Anonymous said...

I have been subconsciously traumatized by this video since I saw it in preschool. It wasn't until the name actually appeared in my head spontaneously this week that I even remembered it. That bitch is insane.

thank you for this