Thursday, January 31, 2008

Don’t Play Games with Fanny Flame!

When I was growing up, every October we would have a week dedicated to traumatizing myself and my peers in an event called “fire prevention week”. Now, I know this is a good thing, and that its message is very important to all people, especially the stupid ones who go out and light themselves on fire and get shown on YouTube in montages of failed stunt clips. Of course as kids, we loved the fact that we got to miss valuable class time to talk with local heroes, watch them spray the school with a fire hose and of course watch safety films instead of learning math.

However, one film in particular traumatized not only me, but everyone in my kindergarten class. That film was called:

This bitch will fucking BURN YOUR TONGUE OFF!

Honest to God, this movie scared the five year old shit out of me, and as I’m writing this I’m getting shivers. It starts with a friendly old man coming into a kindergarten class (just like mine!) and was talking about how fire is a tool. He begins by trying to hang an emergency exit map, hammering in a nail using an ice-cream scoop mind you, while everyone laughs at the joke except for one kid who looks around like “what the hell is so funny”. He’s probably about my age now or a little older, and is probably still in kindergarten. It’s nice and lighthearted. Then it turns down a path that only leads to years of therapy and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

He starts talking about a how a “fire can get bigger before you know it, and once it starts, it burns!” while a little girl stares in pure horror. And trust me; we all looked like her at the end of the film. I’d put an image of it up, but since it’s in a flash player and I’m taking a screenshot, it’s not working (don’t worry, I’ll make it up at the end). Then he continues with, “once something burns, it’s gone
forever, you’ve lost it.” scaring us even more! But, if we don’t want to learn the hard way, we have to see what happened to Patrick and Mary one day. Hello, child psychologist? Here I come!

It starts with Patrick playing on the floor with a toy truck, making an unnecessary amount of noise. His sister, Mary, yells at him because she’s busy playing with a dollhouse. Their mother is then seen setting up the dinner table and what’s on it? Why, candles of course! Instead of lighting them, she leaves the matches were stupid little Patrick can reach them (with the aid of a chair) and walks away. He gets a hold of one, lights it and out pops the fiery diva, Fanny Flame.

Looking at this now, I can laugh at just how cheesy the cartoon fireball is as it’s imposed into a live action setting. But as a kid, I was doing my best to duck behind the backs of others in front of me so I wouldn’t see the screen. In another act of humor I can only find as an adult, she acts like a
total whore to Patrick! She goes on about how fun and exciting and of course how hot she is! I can’t believe that I was not only scared by this, but they would actually have that kind of dialog in a movie aimed at children!

Of course, Patrick can’t resist this flaming siren and starts to play with her as she demonstrates just how useful she is by lighting the candles his mother foolishly forgot. He notices how beautiful they are and wants

After demonstrating her powers by melting the underside of Patrick’s truck, Mary comes in and sees Fanny floating about while massaging her own ego. Mary looks to her brother, terrified that he would play with matches. Though at this point, I’d be more concerned about him playing with
himself with the way he’s acting around Fanny. He was enchanted with how his toy, which we can assume he loves dearly, is now ruined. See, once it burns, it’s gone, baby!

After about seven minutes of showing herself off and entwining both children into her lying steam, they decide that it is okay to play with her. Apparently this was her goal the whole time. Act like a slut to get little kids to use her as a toy. When they agree, she cackles and goes into Mary’s dollhouse, while Mary tells her she’s the bride to the doll inside, or something stupid like that. Of course, the doll ignites, and soon the whole dollhouse is in flames. The smoke alarm goes off and their mother finally reappears and looks in shock at the burning toy while the kids just more or less stare nonchalantly. She then comes running back with a bucket filled with water and kills Fanny Flame. The dollhouse is nothing but a charred ruin.

Now, Patrick and Mary are terrified and hold onto their mother while crying. She consoles them by saying how they should
never play with matches or they could have been hurt, lost their house, or killed! Yes, back in the early 90s you could explain mortality to children, unlike now where everyone is immortal (except for animals and the guys you see on TV).

It goes back to the classroom were the friendly old guy is finishing his lecture to a now understanding class. He hangs up the exit sign and drives home the importance of not playing with matches as he does the same to the nail holding the sign.

Unfortunately, I can’t find a copy of this movie anywhere unless I want to spend my hard earned money to buy it from a fire marshal and then wait eight weeks for it to arrive. (I did this article mostly from memory, and trust me, with what this film did to me, I remember it well. I used any bootleg clips I could find for any other details). Then, once I post it I can guarantee it’d be removed. But, I was able to find a
clip of Don’t Play Games with Fanny Flame! It’s only 2:48 out of the full sixteen minute version, but it’s enough to set up the premise.

Now, remember the girl I mentioned with sheer terror on her eyes that looked like me and my classmates? She appears at 1:07. Note her look, yeah, that’s what this freaking movie did to me! All in all, this is a very cheesy film, but is still likely to scare kids today. But, hey, if your kids are acting up, you can always say what my dad did to me after kindergarten; “If you don’t behave, I’ll send Fanny after you!”

And now, for your viewing pleasure, the first two and a half minutes of
Don’t Play Games with Fanny Flame! Follow the link and click the speed best suited for your system. Enjoy!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Where's Krowness?

So, I’m sure you’re all wondering just where the hell I’ve been lately. No I wasn’t abducted by aliens in Roswell and got probed in the ass, and I didn’t fall victim to some trucks that suddenly came to life and killed me while circling a diner.

All is well; I’ve just been very, very busy over the past few weeks. My last semester at the hellhole called Fitchburg State just started three weeks ago and apart from a diabolical English course (I’ll have an article on it later) it’s okay. But I’ve been working on the school’s annual caret show as a keyboardist and I have rehearsals three nights a week from 6 to 10 so I have hardly any time to for my articles.

I will still post when I get a chance, but until the end of March when the show is finished, don’t expect a whole lot. The new Krowness Chronicles will begin after that, and I will not only rant about dumbasses, but also review the most outrageous and stupid toys/video games out there as well as B-movies.

Oh, and yes, there will be a sequel to Bizarre, Unusual and Downright Insane Sexual Fetishes! If you think you’ve seen the worst, think again. This time, there will be revenge! This time, there will be blood!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Things I Would Rather Do than Go to Fitchburg State College!

I declare this week the Official I Hate FSC Week! So rather than bore you with an introduction, let’s just get right to the list!

  • Be crucified

  • Shave off my skin with a rusty serrated blade and jump into a vat of lemon juice

  • Be an Aztec sacrifice

  • Watch Snakes on a Plane

  • Give birth to a full grown African elephant through my dick

  • Chop off my dick and feed it to wild bores with rabies

  • Find Ann Coulter sexually attractive

  • Star in a hardcore, gay, extraterrestrial porno

  • Be a victim of Jigsaw

  • Pitchfork out my intestines and fling them over a tree as a decoration

  • Cook myself on a spit and proceed to eat my crispy self

  • Roger a fundie

  • Become a fundie

  • Dive into a pile of farm animal shit

  • Legally change my name to “Twinkie”

  • Petition for a third Bush term

  • Visit the Creation Museum for “facts” and not unintentional humor

  • Enter another contest with Famous Poets and pay for another book

  • Work at McDonalds for the rest of my life while saying how good it is

  • Become a vampire and stalk humans for eternity (vampires blow)

  • Get impaled and be forced to watch Oprah while I slowly die

  • Eat nothing but sand for the rest of my life

  • Urinate seashells

  • Lick the floor of a men’s room at a subway station

  • Watch the Super Bowl

  • Discover every ingredient in hotdogs and still eat them

  • Cross dress and enter a Bible Thumper church while acting as flamboyant as I can

  • Become a fat fuck and slowly eat myself to death on fast food

  • Get sucked into a black hole

  • Melt my face off with a magnifying glass

  • Visit Michael Jackson

  • Make mad, passionate love to Billy “The Fucking Loudmouth” Mays

  • Reunite with my now horse faced ex-girlfriend from high school

  • Dye my hair green and spike it so it looks like the Statue of Liberty

  • Stick a drill bit covered in steel wool up my ass and let it rip

Saturday, January 12, 2008

An Open Letter to Will Ferrell, Adam Sandler, and Rob Schneider!

Dear Mr. Ferrell, Sandler and Schneider

This may come as a shock to you three, but it has come time for you to stop making movies. How many are you going to be in this year Will? Thirty, maybe fifty? How many will be good? Don’t say it, I already know. Zero. The same for you Adam and Rob. You keep starring in films that bomb but somehow still have a career.

I’ll give you some credit Mr. Schneider for Duce Bigelow since it was rather amusing. But I cannot say the same for the rest. The time as come to retire. Whether you like it not. I think I speak for everyone when I say that your movies suck so much ass, that if what we were being fed every year were food, we could solve the world hunger problem. But we are not being fed food, or even a good hardy comedy. We are being force fed regurgitated remakes or movies that are so terrible that they cannot even be funny in how bad they are.

Will Ferrell. You are an annoying jackass. I hate you. I hate your whiny voice, your stupid face, your exaggerated antics and everything about you. You are not funny. You never were. You sucked on Saturday Night Live, and said show sucked more with you in it. You could never revive the glory days of that show when John Belushi was alive or when Eddie Murphy was on it. Stop trying. We don’t “need more cowbell”. We need more shut the fuck up Will Ferrell.

Adam Sandler. If there was ever a thing that made me want to kill myself, you have to be close to the top of the list right under Mr. Ferrell. You cannot do comedy. You fail even harder at drama. The only reason to cry when you are in a tragic movie is because one; you’re starring and two; there goes twenty dollars I’ll never see again.

Rob Schneider. You are the missing link. I have never seen a hairier man since Robin Williams. And you are about as talented as he is too, which is about the same as that of a stump with a face painted on it. As I said earlier, I give you one point for a single movie. That makes you better than both Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler combined. But you are still a talent-less ass brick.

My suggestion to you three is to take all that money you don’t deserve and buy a house in Mexico or the Middle-East. Someplace where we can’t find you. Ever. Then simply live it up in a third world nation on your millions of dollars and never worry about all the stress of making another film. We would all appreciate it very much.

Your number one fan,

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Answering Machine Mayhem!

I’m sick and tired of having my shitty cell phone ring everyday with wrong number after wrong number. Today I got a call from some shit head who was shouting and I could not understand his garble for the life of me so he yells back to me “Fuck you, man” (oh how cool are we to use “man” like that). Well, I traced the call to a professor at Harvard Medicine. I’m guessing that the wires crossed since that is not the behavior expected by a man with a Ph.D., but if not, he can suck my dick. I called back and some bitch that answered accused me of yelling at him and being very rude since “she was there at the conversation” (it’s on a phone, not likely you stupid hag).

Well, too bad I have the call saved on voicemail and it is clearly some guy, most likely drunk off his rocker, shouting at me while I am saying things like “I can’t understand you?, what are you saying?, who are you looking for?, etc”. So that makes you a lying cunt.

Well anyway, after this call I thought of some unique ways to answer the phone if you look at the caller ID and just know that it will be a wrong number. This way you can have a laugh without the expense of being a filthy attention whore prankster and keep some jackass from ever calling your number by mistake again!

Here are some ways you can answer the phone in the future:

Donuts, donuts, donuts! We have donuts for all your catering and or sexual needs!

Big Brother Inc. Tapping your phones for national security since 2005.

Urahara Shop, where Soul Reapers get their shit together!

Train Spotters Anonymous. Got a stiffy for choo-choos? We can help.

You have reached Soylent Greens, where the consumer is the product.

Rocket Funerals, where death is a blast! Yeah!

This is Dr. Rockso, the Rock n’ Roll Clown, [shouting] I do ka-ka-ka-cocaine!

This is God. Have you made me angry today? If so, press one and prepare to burn in Hell!

[With gunshot and explosion sound effects in background] This is Private Adams, we need help, they’re everywhere. It’s brutal man, brutal! Giant spiders, the humanity! Ahhh! [make a static sound and hang up abruptly]

G√ľnther Fans Unlimited. Oh, you touch my tra-la-la…

Ghostbusters, what is your paranormal emergency?

Sexy Multiple Personalities Disorder Hotline. This is Susan, Emma, Katie, Sophie for your speaking pleasure.

If you’re stupid and you know it, call my phone…

Wh- what is this strange voice, what year is it. Oh my God I’m in the future!

I am the Insult King and you are fucking scum of the earth. Press one if you’ve got the balls to dare to challenge me!

My name is Norman Bates…

Now, what if the person on the other end is looking for someone and you don’t have time or didn’t think to use one of the ones above? Well you’re in luck, because you can always try these too:

[If looking for a woman]

Yeah, she’s here but she’s unavailable at the moment. [squeal in phony sexual pleasure]

[If they demand to know who you are]

I’m her boyfriend!

That above scenario can have a few different results, all of them funny. In situation one, it could be a husband or real boyfriend and you just caused a huge breakup to some stranger! Pat your back for that one!

In situation two, it will probably be a friend who has no idea this person is in a relationship and you can start all sorts of gossip by inventing fake stories on your love life.

And in situation three, it’s probably a relative, doctor or boss whom you can make extremely disgusted with the person they are trying to reach by doing the same thing as in scenario two. However, if it is a doctor, always try one like “Crabs? Nah she doesn’t have crabs. Not until this morning on the couch at least!”

So go out there and answer your phone like you’re the biggest asshole on the planet!