Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Here Comes 2009!

Gods is it that time again already? Time to make plans on what we’ll change in the coming year, only to fall miles short and abandon all hope of ever doing so by the first of February. So once again, I’m gonna tell you what we all can expect in 2009! The future is here but are YOU ready? Let’s see!

In 2009…

The Great Turkey King Gobblegus will lead millions of fowl to march against humanity!

The Rapture will at last occur, but much to the dismay of evangelical Christians, only the Scientologists will be saved!

The Star Wars Holiday Special will be released on DVD!

The Simpsons will finally be cancelled after years of being shitty!

Guns n’ Roses will make an official apology to the world for how craptastic Chinese Democracy is!

Movies will start to be entertaining again and the piss poor remakes and spoof films will end under a new federal law!

Sarah the Stupid will drift into obscurity, never to be seen, heard, smelt, felt or touched again, thanks be to Odin!

Apple will release a new iPod that allows users to murder over a distance as part of an exiting downloadable game!

Aliens will land at the Crawford Ranch for the sole purpose of mooning former President Bush! (Doesn’t that sound awesome? FORMER President Bush.)

Chicken eggs will hatch mutant dinosaur-humans that will war with homo-sapiens until we are wiped out!

The South will rise again!

American Idol will rack in the lowest ratings in television history, finally canceling the show!

Another childhood hero will be raped when Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Michael Bay unite to film a live action version of Thundercats!

Bread lines will come back in style!

Science will reveal that women do in fact lack an anus until marriage!

Disco will be revived!

Smiling and laughter will be linked to cancer!

God will be assassinated by radical atheist liberals!

Nachos will be found to cure migraines!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The Viking Santa Tracker!

It’s Christmas Eve, hooza! It is only a matter of time now before a bumbling fat ass comes to visit your home. No, no. I’m not talking about Uncle Bud or Didlin’ Dick, it’s Santa silly! Here at Krowness Chronicles, we have been diligently tracking the sleigh, much to NORAD’s chagrin and we are currently watching him as he…

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know how to say this, but we have lost Santa on our radar. He was just heading over Russia, Land of Communism, when he disappeared! Our maintenance has just arrived to check for any problems in our top of the line Pro American computer systems. Just let me go over and… what? It’s functioning properly?! Then, SANTA!!!1one!

It appears that evil Russians have shot down Santa Claus in an area just outside of Moscow, Center of Communism. Safelight images are coming through as we… oh sweet Jesus. Parents, we here at Krowness Chronicles would now like to encourage you to send the little ones to bed, the news, it’s, it’s just too horrible. Go on, get them out of here! Ladies and gentlemen, I am now looking at the site where Santa was shot down. We can’t make out much, but it seems that all of the reindeer are dead. Their antlers… their antlers have intestines strung about them like blood soaked garland. I can see the faint glow of Rudolf’s severed nose... his… his head is rolling away from the body as I speak!

I’m getting a better image of Santa now. He’s moving! He’s getting out of the sleigh and has just fallen to the ground. From what I see he is missing both legs and an arm. He is pushing himself through the snow like a gigantic slug. There seems to be a fire in the sled now… and… OH MY GOD, THE SLEIGH HAS JUST EXPLODED! Santa’s been thrown through the air and has been impaled on the antlers of his reindeer. Oh the humanity! Russian guards are now approaching the site. They… they are open firing on what remains of Santa Claus.

Ladies and gentlemen, this reporter does not know how to say it, but Santa Claus… is no more. Wait. No. It can’t be! These are not Russian’s at all. They are in fact, Waffle Forces from Great Breakfastdom! Jesus Mary and Whoever That Other Fiction Character Is, they have struck back at us by killing Santa Claus! These seem to be terrorists bent on rebuilding their fallen empire.

We shall not let this stand! By Thor’s Hammer we shall have our revenge for the death of Santa!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Season's Greetings and Bizarre Japanese Videos!

It's that time of year again, when Christians parade around about a war on Christmas that is just as mythological as their deity and we all get to stuff our faces with more turkey, candy and turkey while avoiding a tragic accident involving a tree and one's rectum. While I've only been electrocuted twice this year while putting up the lights, it's still been quite fun and festive so far. I'm planning a trip to the wondrous world of the mall soon to so I can meet THE man. That's right, Santa Claus! I hear he's coming to the local shopping center, and I just HAVE to get a picture of me with him!

Moving away from the ideas of Christmas, I have recently come across a cartoon from Japan that puts our educational animations to shame. This is probably the most hilarious potty training video on the planet:

If you can watch a mere three seconds of this without pissing yourself laughing than you sir are a better man than I.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Jocks: The Pinnacle of Human Evolution!

I was reading the news on bullshit AOL today when I noticed an article that pissed me off just from the title ($6 Million Tutoring Center for Jocks Only). Apparently at the University of Illinois a special tutoring center has opened so that jocks can get some much needed help in school. At first I thought, "That's a great idea! We need centers for these dumbasses to learn how to speak, walk, read, perform basic mathematical operations and a crash course in how to say 'Do you want fries with that?' so that these unnecessary sacks of meat can earn a basic living."

Then I saw that this center is free for athletes, and off limits to all others. That's right, the graphic designer or computer scientist who work 58 hours a week at both of their jobs to pay for school also have to pay for tutoring as part of their tuition, but someone who can throw a ball gets it for free. Not only that, but these special jock centers come equipped with top of the line leather recliners, high definition plasma screen TVs, Wii and a horde of bullshit that won't help you in school.

The only reason these tutoring centers can be opened is because the athletic departments sponsor them, even though they are only open to roughly 0.014% of the average university's population. Proponents claim that these dumbass facilities are to "help students for life after sports" because "they all think they will turn pro". Wake up. There is no life after sports for these idiots. They get jobs at Shaw's and play catch with boxes and invent improvised versions of basketball with soup cans instead of mopping the aisles or stocking the shelves proving that jocks have an IQ somewhere between that of a chimp and creationist.

Why do we let this happen? Why do we treat these brain dead mouth breathers like they created the universe and everyday deserve praise just for allowing us to live? To make it worse, one of the jocks interviewed for this news article was talking about how he needed this so he didn't watch TV instead of studying for his science major. What kind of science can a jock ever hope to major in? Sociology? Please. Like you could handle genetic sequencing, gravity and time relations or even begin to grasp the uncertainty principle like people who study real fields of science.

The most science you will ever use is how much air to put in a fucking ball while you run a gym class at the local high school for the rest of your life until you get arrested for getting too close to the male students. 

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Let’s Exploit the Handicapped!

Vroom! Here they come, Arthur’s coming up alongside Edie and, oh, she’s smashed into the wall! Throw a caution flag! Oh no, she’s on fire! I haven’t seen a race like this since ’89 I tell you what. And here comes the ambulance!

Wouldn’t it be fun if I were talking about something like a demolition derby or formula one race? Yeah, if you were a redneck, it would be. But sadly, this is not the case. The above scenario is a race between people who use wheelchairs.

Before you get on your high horses and start sending me hate mail for being a cruel son of a bitch, this is not my idea. This is in fact what one wheelchair company has actually done in a sense to advertise their product. The culprit: Hoveround. The ad in question is below:

This commercial has been around for quite some time, originally airing with “I Get Around” as the jingle. But the synchronized dancing, disabled old citizens en mass riding around a mall like a NASCAR track and through the park like a train made me sick the minute I first saw this commercial. What surprises me more is that nobody has complained, especially for a nation stupid enough to mistake baby talk for “Islam is the light” and subsequently go burn and boycott FisherPrice toys.

To add insult, the comments these ads have on YouTube all have over 35 thumbs up reviews and are all making fun of the people who have to rely on wheelchairs for personal transportation. Yet if you say something like “Jesus is imaginary” or “Bush sucks” you’ll be blasted off the site in a matter of minutes. Does anyone else see a problem here? You can blatantly make fun of the disabled with no retribution, but constructive criticism will get you blocked, hung and labeled “traitor”.

What makes it worse is that Hoveround is the one making these commercials appealing to slack jawed freaks just so they do laugh. Way to go, you supply people with something they need and kick them in the ass while you do it defending yourself with “they can’t feel it anyway lol!”

Why do we need commercials that exploit the handicapped like this? Why don’t we have one where a bunch of Vikings in wheelchairs go beat the shit out of a bunch of school kids? That way, you show the world that disabled people are still capable of living well, and can still kick your ass all the way to Ragnarok.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Holy Shit, Another Famous Poets Update!

Back in September (I held this off for the Halloween posts), I was going through my mail and shredding the onslaught of Capital One cards I get every other day when a letter caught my attention. It was printed on stiff paper and covered in official seals and colored gold. "Hey, I must have just won the Russian lottery again" I thought, then I saw that it was once again from Famous Poets, this time under the guise of Friendly Poets, saying I won honorable mention for my poem, “The Viking Wrath”.

Now, this poem was a literary abortion with purposely included spelling and grammar errors, yet there is not one mention of polishing it up, apparently writing like an inbred twat is good enough to be a famous poet. Just in case you haven’t read it, or are just tuning in, here is a copy of “The Viking Wrath”:

I'm tough, that's right

I'm very tough, that's right.
I conqoured a town today,
Vikings raid, and cities burn.
Tehy took our children
our money and life.
We fight and will ride
for Odin's sake to reaclaim
our stolen pride.
Riding while we're lsot,
until we die,
Viking ghosts.

Once more, I highlighted the errors in red, and will make mention that I mostly ripped the verses off from various Dethklok songs (The Lost Vikings and Face Fisted mostly). You can get the idea just by looking at the images below.

Now, I included scans of the entire package and will share the titles of the so called winners, since after all, this awesome pile of dog shit I wrote is only honorable mention. Assholes don’t know genius when they see it, those ungrateful fucks. Unfortunately, the size of the text and running ink (from a poor printer in some guys house, and not a big manufacturing press like they’d like you to believe) make it very hard to see, so I will rewrite the entire card that shows who won and the title of their poem. Before I do though, I’d like to mention that roughly 98.4563% of the poems entered and printed on the card are all about God, the Christian faith or the fucking never going to happen and you’re wasting your life thinking it will Rapture.

But that little fundie venture doesn’t matter, these poems do not exist nor do their authors, as you will see from the absurd names that all sound like dying old hags with colostomy bags. Hey that rhymed! See, I am a famous poet, for all poems must rhyme and any that do not are not fit to be read, so says Lavender Aurora!

So, here are the poems that won, and their godly authors that make Odin weep in their greatness:

Grand Prize $1,000
Tina Cantu, CA

First Prize $500
Robert Meams, CA
A Life to Live

Second Prize $100
Neva Rich Pinkston
Be Still to Know

Every one of them is from fucking hippy land California (home base of Famous Poets since that’s where their Hollywood variation was born). I don’t know where the second prize winner is from; since they did not print the state he/she/it is from. Okay, onto the third prize winners, all 47 of them! These were included in On the Wings of Poetry, a lovely little book listed at the nice cheap price of $69.95, but marked as a value. Bullshit:

Sarah A. Garret, GA
The Blessings of a Child

Linda Carpenter, IN
The Window

Eve Jeffries, CT

Dorothy Schleiger, WY
God Still Speaks to Men Today

Christine Bower, WY
The Winds of God

Carol Kleveland, IA

Danny Owens, KY
Deep in the Mountains

Elsie A. Hanson, SD
The Rainbow

Dorothy Peterson, FL
A Prayer of Thanks

Matt Wiens, AZ
Alpha to Omega

Lillian Nichols, TN
Hard Work

Betty Price, KY
The Silent Train

Pete R. Laumbach, NM
Will Wonders Never Cease

Mia Danielle Oliver, DC
Silent Reflection

Roberta Klein, NC
October Morn

Gladys Weskamp, CO
Somewhere Out There

Did you rip off the song from An American Tail or just used the same title?

Sierra Thomas, FL
My Hero

Judith Getman, KS
Oh, How Sweet

Stacie Orban, OH
Set Us Free

Dorothy P. Haggerty, VA
Come to the Table

Rosa M. Piske, MI
A Gift

Gloria Pickering, PA
Judgment Day

Nancy G. Steelman, NJ
Lord’s Net of Love

Rhonda Abraham, IL
He Wore a Smile

Carol Chandler, AR

Marty A. Carroll, IL
God of Grace

Beverly Edmondson, TX
I’m Only a Mother

Leonard M. Gary, OK
My Savior

W. Foster, CA
God’s Loving Arms

Ruth Sipper, CA
To the Source of Being

Carolyn Roy, TX
She Raises Her Hands

Jeanne Wing, MA
My Thought of God

Annie Stegman, KS
The Lord the Almighty

Eunice Wellard, ID
I Asked Why

Cathy Wilson, ID

Janet E. Lair, OK
To Thee I Pray

Nancy L. Marshall, OH
Treasure Yourself

Marie Johnson, WY

Liz Rackl, MN
Wild Mustard Seed Studio

Jim Phillips, MI
A Gift of Music

David Chrisman, LA
We the Christians

I’m not making this shit up, though I wish I were.

Jene M. Ueberroth, CA
A Mother’s Prayer

Mary C. Heiar, IA
I Saw God Today

Deanna R. Glover, AR
The Narrow Path

William Oiesky, NJ
Angels Are…

JoAnn Studley, NV
Master Painter and Creator

Pat Nelson, MS
Help Us, Dear God

There they are. From reading this through I take it the only way I can win in the top three is to write a poem about a vile, uncaring god who gets far too much love for an asshole, and to live in a red state. Yes I know, there are some blue states in there, but just look at it; making a map out of the states where all these winners came from would be a Republican’s wet dream (if you added “to be nuked” over California and Massachusetts as well). After this list of steaming turds, it goes on with:

50 Honorable Mention Certificates of Excellence
There were 50 additional poets in this contest that could have won a prize had there been enough prizes to go around – gifted poets that truly deserve recognition. Our Editors have decided to present these poets with an Honorable Mention Certificate of Excellence, even though the original contest rules did not call for any Honorable Mentions to be awarded.

Yeah, unfortunately for you, everyone who entered the contest got a bullshit honorable mention card! The main thing these poets want is their work in print, not some shitty construction paper card with drool on it. But to see the printed work, they need to buy the book at the value price mentioned earlier: $69.95. If you want more than one, just take that cost and multiply it by the copies you want. There is no discount for ordering in bulk, it all costs the same. If you entered this so called contest and did not order a book, your poem is not in it. Find someone who did buy this hunk of shit and look all day for it, then go home and cry knowing you were duped by a bunch of greedy cunts.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Krowness Goes to the Autumn Walk, a Second Time!

Yes, it's Halloween again! That means that my hometown has the kiddie parade once more, without any references to Halloween to not offend overly religious retards who have no sense of fun. Again, the video is two parts to conform to time restraints.

And boy was this a bitch to pull off this year! My tape ran out barely five minutes into the extravaganza, and I had to pull out an old backup I had and rewrite over last year's walk of all things! Then, getting my computer to work with it after having to upload from two mediums, I nearly lost the first part. Anyways, here it is!

Part One!

Part Two!

Worst Costumes:

1st Place: Pregnant Ass Puppy!
2nd Place: Lego Block Block Head!
3rd Place: Bed Sheet Ghost!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Great Pumpkin Adventure!

Since Halloween is just a few days away, I had to find myself the perfect pumpkin! Not so easy at this time of year when all the stupid little kids have already taken the best and carved them, and they are now rotting in the streets after the neighborhood teens came by. So began the quest!

I exit the motorcade!

Wow, just look at that awesome pump, oh, never mind.

Simply appetizing if I do say so myself.

Yes sir, pumpkin goo soup!

Look all those pumpkins, I'm speechless!

Pumpkins everywhere!

Suck it Batman, it's all about Krowness now.

Ooo, pretty.


I see you!

At last, the Great Pumpkin has revealed himself!

Oh they're so cutie ootie.
Yes they are.

Who says a normal 21 year old can't still have fun with pumpkins? Horse shit I say to you!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The World's Worst Costume!

I love going to Halloween stores. I love the smell of fog machines and latex masks mixing with the sounds of scary automatons and screaming children. Every year I try to get out to at least one, since there’s usually a seasonal store in the two nearby malls, and there are great costume emporiums in Worcester and Fitchburg. I usually go just for fun, since I make all my costumes myself and don’t particularly care for going store bought. This year, I thought I’d try something different and look for the worst costume I could find. Now, -RoG- is a good sport about doing this and found the god awful Count Pop costume, so I thought I’d try my luck with a craptastic disguise.

It may not be as bad as Count Pop, but from the four stores I went too, this takes the cake:

Just look at that abomination! And at only a few dollars, I was hooked. I mean come on, who can resist something this bad? It was either this or the instant pirate, which was a ratty beard and eye patch. That’s not gonna last me years, I need something that’s bad and more permanent! Besides, it’s just like the one that kid in A Christmas Story wears at the department store who goes up to Ralphie and simply states “I like the Wizard of Oz” as the costumed characters from the movie enter the store from the parade outside.

I was so exited by it, that I took it to of the crappy wrappings and wore it the whole drive home! No Red Baron stopped me though, just nice smooth flying:

Let’s get the biplane started and begin looking for adventure!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Glory Days: My Best Halloween Costumes Ever!

Having lived for 21 years, I had the pleasure of dressing as a multitude of beings, heroes and villains for Halloween. My first was like most children, a pumpkin. But my first shot at glory was as a homemade dinosaur that was absolutely incredible for a first grader to parade around town in. The only shortcoming was the tail, it dragged across the ground so I had to add a tether to hold onto it and keep it from ripping apart when I trick-or-treated.

Another problem was this: when I was in preschool, the greatest evil that ever was made for children came out, Barney the Dinosaur, so the next year, everyone thought that’s what I was. As you all know, my town does this autumn walk for the elementary school kids, and when I was doing it, every smelly kid was calling me fucking Barney even though I had sharp teeth, menacing claws and was green.

Well, when I was in middle school, I had a person best with:

Duke Nukem!
I was playing this game when I was in 4th grade, and still would be if not for the fact that the version I had was only playable on a very old Mac system that is impossible to find today, and Duke Nukem the Atomic Edition will not run on my XP platform L. But this was my first all time best. I made the vest out of foam, gelled my hair into Duke’s style, put nasty battle scar on my cheek with some makeup, had really badass sunglasses, and I brought along my BB-gun for a weapon, though my parents forbid me to load it, as I was bound to shoot some alien scum while grabbing candy. Hey, someone has to keep them from stealing our babes! I don’t know if I have any pictures surviving as of this writing, but I will do some digging and post it if I do find some.

See that. I dressed up as a violent video game character whose series is notorious for foul language and nudity, when I was in 4th grade! I turned out okay, I didn’t go on a shooting rampage in high school, and I never got the urge to rape anyone. Video games are not the scourge of society after all.

Anyone familiar with Mystery Science Theater 3000 should know about Torgo, the man who takes care of the Master’s house in the film Manos: the Hands of Fate. I used my dad’s Indiana Jones fedora, used charcoal for the beard (since I was in high school at the teim, and that school forbids facial hair), a brown jacket, and was lucky enough to find a large wooden stick to carry!

And no, I wasn’t trick or treating like this, since I was in high school. I stayed at home and scared the shit out of all the kids that came to my door! Yes, they were pissing themselves over fucking Torgo! Now, this one I do have a picture from, so fear:

Wow, I’m such a geek in my braces and puffy ass jacket. But come on, it’s Torgo! Fucking Torgo! You can’t beat that, not even with his unnecessarily large walking stick from a few years away, no sir.

I only have two great costumes like this and several other boring ones in between obviously, man I should have worked harder. But hey, I mostly wanted to scare kids, so any horrifying mask and tattered clothes will do when I’m jumping out of a homemade coffin most of the night.

So, what should I do this year? Well, I have the perfect one in store, Prince of Space! Again I’m using MST3K as a reference, and when it’s done, I will be posting plenty of pictures of the Prince fighting the evil Phantom of Krankor! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Shitty Costume Ideas!

It’s that time of year again, Halloween! Usually I start my celebrations in late August, but this year was a little hectic with the bullshit of Clark University and all, so I had to compromise (though I have neglected to clean my house, resulting in very spooky spider webs, the perfect decoration!) Now that the seasonal Halloween shops are popping up, I’ve had to look at some very stupid ass costumes that will get you one step closer to getting socially ostracized and or badly beaten. Some of the horrible costumes include Beer Man, a rip-off of Duff Man from the golden age of the Simpsons. Another is a genie where the bottle acts as a giant phallus that simply states “rub me!” No thanks.

But what’s worse than a store bought costume? Homemade ones that were thrown together at the last minute, usually by stay at home parents who forgot that trick-or-treat time was only fifteen minutes away. Real costumes are made at home, yes, but they must have a heart, soul and full demonic possession through the powers of Halloween night in order to be true costumes! Here are some shitty ideas for costumes so you know what to avoid constructing and thus preventing you getting laid until you are 32.

An American State
Since this is an election year, some super liberals and super conservatives will probably dress up as their favorite red or blue state to gain support for a candidate, even though they live miles away from the state they are dressed as. Again, the gilded Simpson’s age showed us why this is bad, as most children (and adults) do not know the borders of the states, and would most likely do what Ralph Wiggum did and write the name of it on a piece of lined paper and tape it to their chest.

A Lost Child Milk Carton
I’m sure this stupid idea exists in a Halloween retail outlet. It would look like a big bottle of milk, but your head would show through the portal with the “Have you Seen this Child” text below it. (I’m sure it’s an obvious design but trust me, with the dumbasses out there they’d probably send me emails not getting it.)

A Football
I fucking hate football with every cell, chromosome and DNA strand in my body. Anyone who dresses like this proves they have no meaningful purpose in life and should be kicked in front of a speeding train. On second thought, this is a great costume idea. That way I can kick your ass and say it’s just part of the game without having to explain to the police why I was beating you.

Realistic Hobo
Don’t shower for two or more days, wear the same clothes for a month in preparation and then get your belongings together in a bindle and hit the streets. Your smell will probably give you more candy though, since most people will do anything to get you off their doorstop. Good luck with your popularity though, only other hobos will like a stinky bastard like you. Thanks to my good friend Michele for this idea.

Vern: the Simulated Hermaphroditic Medical Doll
Again, I got this idea when talking to my friend Michele, who’s a nursing student. I also saw this on I-Mockery last week and she told me that they have the exact same doll as the one Protoclown posted! At her school there is a doll named Vern with a male head, female body and he/she is currently nursing a baby. Yeah, this will make you popular with both the ladies and the gentlemen! Trust me on this one. Show off your awesome parenting skills while the ladies stroke your beard and the men motorboat your tits.

My Ex-girlfriend
I haven’t mentioned this half-tard tart I used to date in high school much, mostly because it’s been almost four years since our breakup (and I hate her). Well, when we dated she was actually pretty hot, but very evil, self-centered, manipulative, abusive, had dumbass parents who couldn’t read at a middle school level… Anyway, she now has lost about an inch of hair giving her a huge forehead that horses would scoff at. You would just need a rough, black wig over one of those bald caps and wear it farther towards your neck to give the impression of a very large brow that reaches into the stratosphere. But what makes it suck (apart from being ugly like her) is that you get no candy because nobody likes a bitch.

A Shoe (with Gum Stuck to the Bottom)

Nothing fancy, just a big ass shoe with a dumbass inside it.

Sarah Palin (Wolf Hunting Version)
Be sure to hit all the PETA houses in your kick ass Palin costume complete with wolf carcasses! No candy? Some well aimed buckshot from the safety of your trusty helicopter will fix that! Show those goddamned liberal scum who’s boss! Awoo!

There you have it, eight examples of some shitty costume ideas. Be sure to keep a lookout for the sister post of some truly awesome costume ideas coming soon! Until then, happy hunting

Friday, September 19, 2008

Happy Birthday Krowness Chronicles!

One year ago today at 8:09 in the morning, Krowness Chronicles made its debut on the Internet with a rant about how blogs suck ass and Vikings rule. Sixty two posts and a whole year later, here we are, still going strong, battling dumbasses and con artists and showing no sign of weakness.

Let’s a take a look at all that’s happened in the past year. Famous Poets society got reamed over and over again with the hard boner of truth, forcing it out of the scam closet. We went to war with the waffles and only recently destroyed them all and crushing their puny totalitarian empire.

I’m surprised we made it this far though. After all, I was hell bent on taking this site down when the web writing course I created it for was finished. Its future was put into more questioning after the pope made a speech about how this site was the Antichrist and the doom of civilization back in March.

But anyways, time to cut the cake!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Five Sure Fire Ways to Improve TV!

After a long week of battling ogres and boring myself to death with supposed college level courses where the height of an intellectual conversation is discussing the development of the characters in Aqua Teen Hunger Force, I decided to relax a bit and watch some “prime time” television since it was too early for Adult Swim and nobody is airing the finest of Japanese animation at this hour on a Thursday night. So I watched what the best of FOX is, apparently, and nearly killed my brain with the televised abortion that is “A Hole in the Wall”.

This is the absolute most retarded show I have ever seen. For those who are not “enlightened”, the name says it all. Contestants must get themselves through strange shapes in a Styrofoam wall without leaving the “play area” and without breaking the irreplaceable wall or risk falling into a green pool. I feel dumber having just typed that. Please kill me now. It’s not even an American idea, and it was just stolen from a crazy Japanese game show. (For more on American remakes of shows that originated in other countries, please look up any of the “reality shows”).

But with this example of why Western civilization is doomed, I got to thinking of ways we could improve not only prime time, but commercials, cartoons and even the 700 Club! Okay, that last one is easy, cancel that shit.

5. No More Fucking Reality Shows!

I don’t give a rat’s ass about your problem child. I don’t need Nanny 911 or Supernanny. And those of you who do need to call Beats the Shit Out of the Mistake Nanny, that’s the only way you’ll see results if your son is running about beating all of his siblings and breaking your new plasma screen TV by throwing his toys into it. What makes a kid get so angry and violent like this? He needed to take a nap and didn't want to. He needs a smack across the face is what he needs. Or maybe you should have considered this:

Then there are all the shows about trading your spouse, though it is always the wife. Since when is Daddy not important and is not even considered to be traded to a family of crazy Christians who want to kill everyone who’s not just like them? On second thought, maybe that is a good idea not to get Daddy involved, since he would most likely beat their faces to pulp with his wang.

Don’t even get me started on American Idol. That is not reality, it is a game show. Let’s see, people competing for a grand prize (a “record deal” that gets you a golden ticket to skid row, and I don’t mean the shitty band). Yeah, that’s not a (rigged) game show. Yup, this stuff happens everyday to ordinary slobs working in an office and sucking their boss' dick for a raise that can barely buy them a quart of gas.

4. End Religious Networks!

There is no such thing as a religious network. Every show they air has to do with the Wholly Babble and Christianity. The only time other faiths are looked at is when they show how evil everyone but the sheep of Jesus are. Last time I saw a show that included Judaism and Islam and had a religion label was on the History Channel. Nobody cares what a televangelist says, they all go to jail anyway and who wants to listen to a convict tell you how God will help you pay taxes?

3. It’s Not “Comcastic”!

I hate Comcast and would love to see this company go belly up when the economy crashes. Their images suck, and I lose the picture in blizzards, heat, rain and nice warm sunshine. It’s too expensive and they hold most of Massachusetts in a monopoly for cable. You suck, your service blows and I hope that the failing market sees to your demise.

2. Spice Up Children’s Shows!

When I was a lad, we watched Sesame Street rerun the same material it did throughout the ‘70s and had great shows like Eureka’s Castle, Mister Wizard, David the Gnome and Littl’ Bits. Outside of education we had gold like The Adventures of Pete and Pete, Rocko’s Modern Life, Ren & Stimpy, Doug, Are You Afraid of the Dark and others. Almost all of them on one network! Gods it was the best line up ever, and I wish that I could find the DVDs of half of these shows!

But what does this generation of kids get? They get Oobi, a bare hand with googly eyes taped on it! They also get the antics of Hip Hop Harry, a giant teddy bear whose dope wit da streets and gettin’ it on. I think the following clip from said show is proof that our kids are worthless:

What we need is a show about kids fighting for their lives against pirates! We can also throw in few pole dancing damsels into the mix and teach kids the positions. It’s the only thing they’ll use anyway.

1. More Hot Black Girls in Bikinis!

I saw a commercial the other day with a hot black chick in a very tight bikini, I think it was for birth control pills. This is perhaps the only marketing strategy that I’d want to shoot my torpedo at, regardless of what it was selling. We need more ads like this to increase the male consumer’s contribution to the nation’s wealth.

There you go, five ways you can make watching the tube a better experience without the stupidity, wasted energy and forcing hot girls to stay at home when they could be staring in advertisements.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

More Lions!

While not paying attention in a boring global issues class today, I came across an article about a lion that hid away in a Texas fundie church to keep safe from Hurricane Ike. This got me thinking; why not put more lions in crazy churches like this? We all know from the Roman days how much lions love Christians, I think it would be a great way to give churches a new mascot and at the same time save some feline friends! What’s the worst that could happen?

Sure, the cats could go all Siegfried and Roy on the faithful sheeple, but history shows us otherwise. After all, according the users of fundie websites like Rapture Ready, no Christians actually died that way and that prayer saved them from being eaten. But if you criticize their hateful treatment of homosexuals they’ll change that story in a matter of seconds and compare you to the Romans for saying that “God hates fags” is hate speech and illegal.

I’m sure the lions would get great food from stale communion wafers with a flavor just shy of shit and an alter boy or two if the Catholics adopt this trend. The fundie churches of the south like in Texas here can always rely on sacrificing a heathen homo or atheist to it! Now that would make God moist and show them whose boss! Now who’s being persecuted, bitch!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Krowness Returns!

The battle is over. I stood over the thousands of mutilated corpses of the invaders of Valhalla and laughed in triumph, surely Lothar the Great would be proud! You see, while I was minding my own business, writing new chapter in my book entitled Multivariable Calculus and Astrophysics for Kindergarteners, the sounds of battle began outside of my home. I looked out the window and there must have been at least 50,000 ogres, goblins, Republicans and waffles attacking the city!

I ran out to do battle but our forces were pinned down and our bunker was quickly taken right after I sent my transition for rescue. After my capture, I easily decapitated the vampire-Nazi guards, burned the dungeons after freeing my cohorts and assassinated the waffle king, ending the long drawn out Waffle War. Before we left, we nuked the palace and slaughtered all the allies the waffles ever had to prevent it from happening again! Praise Odin!

To make it better, the anniversary of my first post is this Friday! That’s right, it’s birthday time here at Krowness Chronicles and we’re going to have the best party with the most brutally violent game of pin the tail on the fundie ever held!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Krowness is Missing!

This is Viking Force Theta. We have recently learned that Krowness the Viking is missing in action. All attempts to contact him have failed since an attack on Valhalla that left the central city without power. The only clue we have found was a crumpled paper about a free online contest. This is the last transmission from Krowness that we received before he disappeared at the hight of the blackout:

We have contacted the only other person in all the Galaxy who can help; the Centurion! More news will come as this crisis develops.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Don’t Screw with a Viking!

Well, it’s official. I am back at the hellhole called Fitchburg State College. Yes I was supposed to start anew at Clark University but I have a huge message to that school. Go fuck yourselves.

You see, the trouble began when I never got any information on the orientation process, especially since I’m a transfer and have a different program to go through. I called them at least twice a week trying to get somewhere but only dumbass kids (who were all jocks of course) were running the show. I’d have to wait until orientation to get that information. Great. I have to wait for the event I have no information about to start in order to get information on it. That makes sense.

I finally got some info from a faculty member a week before it began but at least now I had the date, time and location to assemble. After a frustrating drive into Worcester and past thirty-one closely spaced traffic lights I get to the university, park and head into the University Center, get my schedule and see the biggest monitorial rape ever. Clark costs 17,000 dollars, I already paid my bill but I was being raped by them because of the schedule.

You see, the orientation process involved what is basically kindergarten. We had to watch movies about drinking beer, even though I’m a legal 21 year old. Meetings about living on campus, even though I commute. And my favorite was peer advising, where a bunch of retards who are younger than I am are given the closest thing they can imagine to authority and must sign our schedules to prove that we attended and then talk about “safety” and “responsibility” which made me feel like “strangling someone”. I heard this at FSC three years ago; shut up.

Then I met with my advisor, who gave me the music courses I needed for my major and I thought all was well. Then I go to register and find out that only two of the courses we talked about were offered this fall, I’d have to wait for the spring. On top of it, they are only one credit each! Jesus tap dancing Christ taking a shit on a porcelain cross and dirking tequila! I’m paying seventeen grand for this? Fuck you! The music department isn’t even accredited, which I found out after orientation started. Thanks a lot you prick faces for not telling me something like that. Must not be that important, huh?

Before I go on, I’ll go into detail about some of the other things that pissed me off about this bucket of shit. They abbreviate everything, even if it’s a nice short word. For instance the University Center is the UC, a peer advisor is a PA and the red square at the main quad is RS. They should really found the Clark University Network for Theatre just for the highly apposite acronym of CUNT.

The main dean of students is also a spring of flowing stupidity. She had no clue about what was happening at orientation. She said the events were optional, yet it was clearly obligatory and if she happened to be right, she never sent word to the peer advisors who kept us in line better than a Nazi-fundamentalist preacher hybrid. Her breath was also probably the reason dinosaurs went extinct.

During another presentation on bullshit like campus police and what Worcester offers for “diversity” my fucking knees were practically in my mouth and the auditorium was over one hundred degrees.

But on the subject of diversity, eating foods from the Middle East, no matter how good it is, does not make you diverse. You are a still a white guy from the suburbs with a Prias who just happens to like food that is not fried in prehistoric lard and marketed as “happy meals”. Why do schools have to go into this? There is no such thing as diversity. We are already a diverse people in a diverse world. America is especially diverse if you can call it the melting pot of the world.

By Thor’s hammer, do we really need to point out the fact that there are both men and women who attend this school who are white, black, yellow, red or brown? Doesn’t pointing this obvious fact out make us in a way discriminating against them by saying “hey, you’re different!” No they're not different, they are still people. Just because someone has more melanin than another means they are different is a backwards and idiotic way to view the world.

So, yeah. I’m back at FSC, but like Spinal Tap said in the song Hellhole, it often times is better in one since moving out of it can suck even more. Here Clark University, I got something for you:

Saturday, August 23, 2008

The Best Time of the Year!

That’s right; school’s back! That means no more little shits running around all day and ruining my life, work and time I could be spending updating my site. I love driving around the day my hometown’s school starts just so I can go by the bus stops and see all the crying kids who know the routine, and the idiots dancing around because they’re about to start kindergarten or first grade and they’re exited. And because they’re idiots.

Most kids are too stupid for school. They come into kindergarten and don’t even fucking know they’re god damn name! They call themselves “Beebo” or “Swishy” and they have to be sent to the principal to figure out who the hell they are. Then once they’re in class, half start crying because they miss mommy the crack whore, or want to be at home so they can watch Barney. Suck it up shit head. You miss mommy, huh? Well you know what you need? A kick in the ass. Now straighten up or repeat after me “You want fries with that?”, because if you don’t sit down and learn something that’s all you’ll need for success dumbass!

Then after things settle down, most of the kids can’t read simple words, count higher than one, can’t recognize colors, don’t know the months of the year or the days of the week. Some are still like this by the end of the year and are even dumber before entering first grade.

Anyone who wants kids should get their IQ checked with this simple test; stand in the shower and if you start to drown, you can’t have kids and your balls will be chopped on the spot or your ovaries will be sucked out with a vacuum.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

A Message to Burger King from the Guild of Calamitous Intent!

By The Guild of Calamitous Intent

August 19, 2008

RE: Your Recent Advertising for Whopper Jr. and Spicy Chicken Sandwich

Dear Burger King:

It has come to the attention of The Guild of Calamitous Intent that you have a recent advertisement campaign (hereby referred to as “The Ad”) features two young men (hereby referred to as “Henchmen”) harassing Subway fast food chains by shouting rude remarks to the fa├žade of the building while in whopper junior and spicy chicken costume.

I would like to bring to your attention that this is a classic case of Costumed Aggression. However, we at The Guild do not have Burger King (herby refereed to as “The Arch”) on our records to perform such acts of Costumed Aggression. In order to harass fast food chains, or other establishments (herby referred to as “The Nemesis”) you must receive an Arching License from the Guild and full approval from the Counsel of Thirteen and The Sovereign.

If The Ad is to continue running on televised commercial time, you must receive this Arching License. Until you have done so, The Guild has ordered the following:

1. Cease and desist all use of The Ad.

2. Release no more images of Henchmen assaulting The Nemesis until an Arching License has been issued by The Guild for the Arch in question (Burger King).

We also require that you send The Guild a written confirmation by September 12, 2008 that you have complied with the actions outlined above and that you agree that no further Costumed Aggression will take place, be broadcast or even be mentioned until you apply for an Arching License. Once a License has been approved, you are welcome to resume your grievous actions.

Thank you for choosing The Guild of Calamitous Intent
The Sovereign
Arching Licensure Department

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Hmm, What’s That Smell?

I smell bullshit. And a lot of it. You see, after finally getting the fuck out of the train wreck that was Fitchburg State to not only study something I want to, but also to get away from the heavy drinking, drug use, nearby ghettos with shootings in them each night (conveniently located next to two FSC dorms and the gym) and a student who held up a Fitchburg bank (the charges were recently dropped), I was quite pleased. Until I started to see that my new school, Clark University, is probably worse than FSC could ever hope to be!

Not only does Clark have a huge attrition rate (something I discovered after my acceptance and after I decided that Anna Maria and their dumbass Jeebus parade were better left for the fundies and intellectually inferior) but they also have their head up the ass of Sigmund Freud. This is only because he spoke at the school in his lifetime.

Freud was not a scientist! He was at best a piss poor philosopher. His theories of psychology are still vastly unproven, ridiculously stupid and overall laughable. The fact that he is held in high regard as the father of modern psychology is just as stupid. The man was a coke head. He gave coke to his patients. Oh, now I see how he got his bullshit theories that he never tested, compared with the best evidence of the day only to have his ideas shut down in large numbers as we get a better understanding of the mind here in the 21st century.

Screw psychology. It’s not science, just a personally biased set of ideas. Think of it this way. A few decades ago, it was considered a mental abnormality to be gay. Guess what, it’s not. And such an idea is not only bigoted but also bunked by real science like neurology. At least in that field you know how the mind really works since you learn how the brain really works. Makes sense, doesn’t it? And if you get on my case about mental illness, again, leave it to neurology. At least they can fix it instead of sitting you down in a room and talking about your feelings. Get real. Like that can possibly help a demented schizoid who thinks a child is the Messiah who will save Earth from genocide by insects.

Anyway, it is the middle of August and I still have nothing about orientation at Clark. I don’t know what time it starts, in what building, how long it lasts (though I know all day is the answer to that). All I know is that it starts the 27th. Well that’s good, I guess I can get there at 6 a.m., start wandering the campus looking for the right place to go and find out that it’s not on campus and at a function hall in the middle of Worcester and it’s at night!

I also have to set up meetings for my major in music. I notified that departments head and he never got back about auditions and set ups for my private lessons for credit. Since I’m a transfer, most of my music courses at FSC were taken, including prerequisite courses for the private instruction, important for the music performance major. To add to it, this university has me select fall courses during orientation, so that gives me maybe a day at the most to get my classes, map out how to get to each one in the fastest time and let’s not forget, time to get my books which at this point are probably all sold out for the classes I need. Assholes.

I haven’t even started and I already know I hate Clark as much as I did Fitchburg. Scratch that, I hate Clark more than I could ever hate Fitchburg because the administration is more corrupt, stupid and has absolutely no ability to get a simple job done. Ditch this bullshit. I hate to admit it but I'm heading back to the bowels of Hell in FSC. At least now I know there's worse out there.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

YouTube Blows!

Seeing that I-Mockery and even Maddox himself both have YouTube accounts, it seems heretical for me to bash the site that my two biggest influences use regularly. Hell, I even embed videos to my site if I find a pretty awful safety film or school scare short. But that’s heresy for you; it’s usually for the better good (like saying the Earth revolves around the sun). No offense to RoG or Maddox, whose videos rule and will kick your ass each time you watch them to the end of time, but YouTube is the second greatest pile of shit right after Myspace. The reason? There are more idiots on this Odin-forsaken site than I could ever imagine:

YouTube has more trolls, fake users, spammers, spamming programs posing as accounts, pornography, plagiarized material and assholes in one location than Washington D.C.

No joking, my old account there (I have recently closed it due to this bullshit) had 54 users blocked. Every single one of them a troll, or a “user” that has posted the following on every one of my videos at the exact same time: “YouTube isn’t good for porn; I like this site [insert stupid porn site featuring women who are a minimum of 90 years old]”.

This site is also the only place online that I have ever seen the word “good” spelled as “gud”. How can hitting one letter, that repeats no less, be that fucking hard? For Odin's sake, they're only seperated by the letter "I" on the keyboard on top of it! Here’s some comments that prove how dumb the community of this cesspool is:

All these are in a video about Santa Claus.

“thats mean bout the hole fat thing i think ur the tart!:( thats just sad”

I hate fat people”

“You left out how he's also gonna be black, because a white santa is racist.”


Comments have since been disabled 3 years after writing this article, you can thank comments like the above.

This is just for one fucking video. About Santa Fucking Claus on top of it! I wouldn’t be surprised if the morons who posted those above comments still think he’s real. The stupidity is also in the videos themselves. How many times have you gone there and seen some high school girl with missing teeth dancing to shitty pop music and giggling. And what do the comments say? Probably shit like “ur hott” and “watch my videos instead or ille cry”.

If you ever search for something worthwhile, let’s say you want to see actual footage of the Red Baron, you get a stream of unrelated garbage. Try it. Type Red Baron into the search field and all you get is his funeral (one good related hit), thousands of clips of Snoopy (all of which were uploaded without permission yet are still up despite the copyright infringement), and shitty garage bands shouting crappy lyrics about their girlfriends’ fake tits. Awesome.

Then there’s the porn. Full pornographic films are up on that site. They even have hentai (anime porn) for basement trolls who don’t know what real girls feel like and never will if we’re all lucky. If weird fetishes are your thing, YouTube’s got them too! Into WAM, or vore, or fart fetishes? They got all you need for a night long spooge fest!

Missed your favorite TV show last week? Well it’s on YouTube! Sounds good, right? If you’re an idiot it is! It’s called YouTube for a reason; it’s for your films, and your home movies. Uploading clips of Family Guy will get you hits and subscribers, for a day before your account is deleted for copyright infringement. No problem, these users have at least seven other accounts they can use if that happens. In fact, I see more Family Guy clips on YouTube than adult swim’s website, or on TV. And Family Guy is on what, four stations now? It pisses me off knowing that Seth MacFarlane is getting ripped off by YouTube by jack offs posting clips from the greatest cartoon ever made.

Now let’s get into the site features to make it a good community. They offer contests and groups, but contests outnumber the groups and they are all bullshit. I don’t care who can paint the best picture of Heath Leger as the Joker. And guess what? Nobody does. Getting back on track, the groups used to have a search feature so you could find the place you needed to go. Say I wanted to post a jazz piano video of mine for other jazz fans. I could just search “jazz” under music and find plenty. Now I have to dig through every fucking group with music as a tag, including anime music videos which overpower the groups of real musicians like me.

When did anime music videos become popular? Let’s see. You take clips from your favorite show; mesh them together to a soundtrack by a band that you like. Yeah, that’s creative; clips that aren’t yours and music that isn’t yours. You did what, made a title for it in Windows Movie Maker? And it took you about five minutes to turn it out, not counting the time it took to save to your hard drive. Bravo! What a great artist you are! Dragonball Z characters fighting to the music of Hot Butter’s “Popcorn”? First fucking prize!

Then we have the community. Everyone is a critic. If you post a video of you playing Chopin at the piano, it will get shit on by everyone who sees it. If you defend yourself, they’ll come back with something like “I was going to be a concert pianist, I know” (I actually saw this on just such a video the other day). And of course, does that user have any videos of his or her own? No! So they probably don’t even play an instrument, is in grade school, or is a liberal arts major at the local community college with no music knowledge outside of “Pink Floyd rules man!” And Pink Floyd is only good when they’re playing a song that is not “Money”, “Brain Damage”, “Another Brick Pt. 2”, or any other song that is played five times a day on every radio station. They had a lot more, much better material, morons!

This is the only website in the world were if you claim a fact like the sky is blue, Jesus never existed or Vikings rule, there will be about 78 people out of 100 that will angrily disagree with you, post videos of them yelling at a camera about how wrong you are, and then make sock puppet accounts just to praise their shitty film that you can’t understand because of the clipping caused by high volumes being forced into a very small microphone.

And what does the administration of the site do if there’s a problem? They fucking ignore it! If you are getting bullied by some teenager who thinks he’s got the world figured out and no matter how many times you block him, he keeps coming back with new accounts you can report it to the site. But all that gets you is an email saying that your message was marked as spam and ignored. Wonderful. Makes me wonder why they even have that report in the first place! The people who run YouTube are dumber than the majority of users.

And if those admins are reading this, go fuck yourselves you single syllable speaking schmucks.

Treat YouTube like Myspace and get rid of it (except for I-Mockery and Maddox). Cancel your account and realize that your videos are shit that nobody wants to see. And if it is good and you want to share it, share it with the people who matter and not a farm full of grade school drop outs.

Update: May 2, 2011

A lot of these problems have since been resolved, but the community has become more retarded than ever. Thankfully, it is widely known to the point where some linguists actually study YouTube comments to understand the degradation of modern language and communication. Nice one, morons.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Ghost Rider: A School Bus Safety Film!

I’m a sucker for old scare films. This is especially true when it comes to the safety films I used to watch in school, such as Don’t Play Games with Fanny Flame. But the golden era usually involves nuclear missiles, Communist spies and bus safety! This is a film made for the public schools of Pennsylvania in 1982 called Ghost Rider. Not to be confused with the superhero or Rush’s Neil Peart’s book. The plot of this is rather unique, but we’ll get to that later.

To begin, it's Kevin’s first day of school. He’s the new kid, fresh out of Oregon and he’s having a very hard time fitting in. He is called up to the teacher’s desk at the end of the day, and everyone looks around like “who the hell is that” and “oh he’s some new guy” (though they actually say “some new kid”). Way to make him feel welcome girls. See, these are the kinds of girls who grow up to be managers of the local Market Basket and get knocked up by the dumbass jock they dated in high school, proving that their lives are meaningless.

After his embarrassment and the rest of the students file out, Kevin approaches his teacher for his assigned books. And we now get to see just how horrible poor Kev’s day was:

Aw, poor Kevin :( It just seems that his day can’t get any worse. That is until dismissal when he has to take the bus home. You see, back in Oregon, he never had to take the bus before so he’s completely unsure of how the system works and is in the dark about all the safety protocols in case of emergency. He finds a redneck looking kid to show him to his bus and he’s smiling for the first time all day. Until the kid he’s talking too runs off without a passing glance:

Aw, how can this poor kid’s day get any worse? They even have a piano sample cued up to this scene that sounds like it ripped off Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata. Well as we’re about to see, getting back to the topic of Kev’s mental state, everyone will soon think that he is an absolute schizoid. The bus is coming up to the end of the line, two girls get off and Kevin is left alone to contemplate his day. Naturally he starts to cry. But after getting bitch slapped by cheerleaders and rednecks, who wouldn’t?

Suddenly, a young girl in “white slacks and curly hair” is sitting across from him and asks why he is crying:

Who is this gal? Where did she come from? As Kevin begins to ask these questions, she purposely flicks a pencil onto the floor. Being a gentleman, Kev quickly gets on the filthy floor and starts looking for it (among a huge amount of chewing gum). When he gets back up with the pencil, this girl has vanished:

Kevin starts shouting, asking where she went. In all the confusion, his stop as come and it’s time to head off of the mystery bus. When he is at the door, he asks the bus driver (who looks like Peter Boyle with more hair) about the girl. He acts surprised and asks if she had curly hair and white slacks. Kevin eagerly replies. He only gets disappointed when he finds out that no such girl was on the bus.

We then see Kev getting off the bus. But the mystery girl has left a clue to her identity in the pencil she flicked:

So, her name is Tracy Donnelly. Well then gang, mystery solved! Oh wait, right. Why is she appearing and vanishing like this? Hmm, looks like we’ve still got to solve this one Scoob!

We then cut to Kevin doing homework in his kitchen. His mother is still unpacking appliances and trying desperately to prepare dinner. She then goes on how she found the toaster in the attic earlier that day, and that she can’t find the garlic salt, which her husband “simply must have!” She then goes to write down a note to pick up garlic salt at the store, when the pencil breaks. Frustrated, she says that if she has one more day like this, she’ll move back to Oregon, which Kevin responds with “can I join you?” It’s just a normal day in the, huh, what’s this family’s last name? Oh well. She asks if she can borrow Kev’s pencil and sees the name on it. Apparently packs like it are all over the house.

The pencils belonged to the previous family, which of course is the Donnelly’s. As Kev’s mom goes on, it comes up that they moved due to painful memories after an accident. You see, their daughter Tracy died in a bus accident the previous school year. That’s right. The girl that was on the bus is a ghost!

As you can see, this information comes as a shock to Kevin. And of course, this is where the film gets its name, and the unique plot I was talking about earlier. So, another day comes and goes, and Kevin is once again alone on the bus, waiting for his stop at the end of the line. He is still trying to process the information he got from his mother. All of a sudden Tracy appears and shouts “boo”; he jumps a mile.

He starts yelling at her, and she tells him to pipe down or the driver will think he’s nuts. Okay, so more nuts than he already does after inquiring about the invisible girl the previous day. She then hands him a little booklet with a bus on it. It’s apparently a safety manual. We also find out that she’s here to help Kevin learn the rules that she didn’t, and died from. Even though she says she died in a fire that was on the bus and couldn’t get away in time. Sounds more like the driver and students should have helped her, not that she didn’t know the procedure. Assholes.
They should be dead. Oh well, karma’s a bitch. They’ll get cancer and suffer for not helping a friend in need.

We once again cut to Kevin at home. This time he is working out, and all of a sudden a wind blows in through the window and the radio acts funny. His pliers move on their own, and his barbells start rocking.

Knowing what’s going on, he calls out for Tracy. She moves the manual on the desk around, getting his attention to it.

Kevin looks through the book and learns some good stuff! If you’re on the front of the bus, go through the front door. If that’s blocked, go through the back, tucking in your legs to cushion the fall, and the back goes through the back door, front half the front. Okay, that last one was a little easy to figure out. We’ll just have to assume Kevin is a dolt. It also says to locate fire axes, first aid kids and other supplies needed in case you need to give someone medical attention or pry off a window. And of course fire extinguishers. Too bad the dicks that rode with poor Tracy didn’t bother with that. Plenty in fire for them in Hell I suppose.

The next day arrives and this time the bus is heading for school. So it’s full of whiny brats completely ignoring the rules.

Kevin is drumming his fingers on the manual and Tracy appears again.

He shouts out to her, even though she’s in the same seat and everyone looks at him like he’s a whack job. Okay, so he sort of is. But he cools down and starts a conversation with her quietly. Even though the kids right behind him should be able to hear him talking to himself. She asks if he did his homework, because he’s going to need it. She then vanishes again. Uh oh.

Honking is suddenly heard and the kids look out the window to see a pickup truck passing them. But something’s wrong. There is also a van coming head on to
him! So he pulls over and the bus is pushed off the road. What follows is still frames of the accident scene while music that is eerily similar to Jaws starts playing. Rather than use “print screen” over every still, I chose the highlights of the scene:

Oh shit. The bus is now teetering on the edge of a cliff. Let me say that again. All because of some farmer in a pickup, a bus full of kids is now
teetering off a fucking cliff! Couldn’t the driver refuse to budge? It’s not like the pickup could take on a bus. And what about the break? That driver could easily have stopped while they were on the field leading to the ledge! Oh yeah, that’s right. The driver was knocked out when he hit the steering wheel.

Man, two massive accidents in two years. This school’s gotta be broke from all the lawsuits against it and the bus company it uses. The film now goes back to moving pictures to show the panicked kids:

The only one who’s calm is Kevin. In fact, he’s abnormally calm, and is looking around like nothing’s happening. Tracy then brings him out of it and tells him to calm the masses down. Right on Tracy! Show this dolt how to be graceful under pressure. Kev shouts to the mob, and orders them to file out the back door.

One other kid has a gash on her head, so the first aid kit is brought out to tend to her. Tracy tells Kevin to look for an ammonia capsule to revive the driver, since as the kids pile out, the bus gets lighter, and is about to “nose dive” as one kid puts it. Using the capsule, Kev gets to work.

The two get off, and a girl runs over to them, not to help mind you, but to get
back on for her clarinet so she doesn’t get in trouble with the band teacher. Pa, clarinetists. Just as the driver tells her that she’ll be in trouble with him if she doesn’t get back on the ridge, the bus sails over the cliff. Again, I took the highlights of the scene:

Kevin looks about for Tracy, knowing she was still on the bus. Uh huh. She’s a ghost, she can’t die twice moron. Besides, she’s not on the bus at all! She materializes behind Kev as he shouts her name around and it echoes through the gorge. Now everyone knows you’re crazy. No doubt.

Tracy waves farewell and heads off to the afterlife, peaceful knowing that nobody died in yet another bus wreck from the same school system. Kevin sulks on the bluff as everyone heads back to road, praising him as a hero. What, no fire trucks, police or ambulances? A bus just went over a cliff! You’d think emergency crews and newscasters would be all over the hillside.

Kevin joins two girls from the bus and walks away into the distance, a mighty hero for all to remember until graduation and the booze binges of college flush him away with most of their basic life skills.

See that? All girls love a hero. Even dead girls.

What’s interesting about this movie is that it could still be used today and be just as powerful. Rather than be a piece of pure cheese like most bus safety films (
Bus Nut is one, but I-Mockery did that one, I highly recommend it) this one lasts. The image of the bus falling of the edge of the cliff and the entire body explodes outward can leave a lasting impression. All they need to do is update the emergency procedure to include “call 911 on a cell phone and use the bus radio to alert emergency services” and it can still be used!

Rather than leave you with these wonderful, grainy stills, I found the entire movie on YouTube. So, for your viewing pleasure, here’s
Ghost Rider!