Wednesday, December 26, 2007

The March of War!

Viking forces arrived two weeks ago in the nation of Pancakes to begin support against the evil Waffles. Viking fighters successfully attacked a port on the northern shores of French Toast, sinking two battleships and three submarines without taking casualties.

Meanwhile, Pancake forces continue to launch long range bombings onto the Waffle capital as Egg forces attempt to hold off the Waffles that began invading their nation in an attempt to expand their campaign east.

Pancake armour engaging Eggo Tanks.

Viking ships arrived and bombarded islands in the Tabasco Ocean last week in order to establish a command post in which to launch air strikes against the Burritos. After three days of hard fighting, we pushed our devilish enemies off the islands and set up an air base with a direct link to our starships so that orbital strikes may begin once more satellites are put into place.

Odin has announced an ultimatum to the Burritos to surrender or risk losing all of their land and people to nuclear firestorms. Nothing was heard back, but because we have a strong hatred for those disgusting breakfast rolls, it is expected that they will be nuked anyway.

This has been the march of war!

Drink Moxie.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Here Comes 2008!

You know what day it is? That’s right, it’s Christmas Day! That means only a week until the New Year. So rather than suck on all the shit that was 2007 like so many comedians and news casters already have until it was nothing more than a dried out dick resembling shed snake skin, I’m gonna tell you what we all can expect in 2008! The future is here but are YOU ready? Let’s see!

In 2008…

Sometime in March for a full twenty-four hours, the sky will be pink and will rain beer!

The Pope will piss off another religious denomination!

High definition TVs will sprout legs and march against humanity!

Santa Clause will be shot down over the Pacific Ocean by a group of radical Japanese militants who think World War Two is still going on!

President Bush will be forced out of the White House shortly after a rebellion in November!

The Evil Liberal Demon-crats will force True Christian™ girls to play with “Abort My Baby Barbies” or risk going to Atheists Communists Lunatics United (ACLU) jail!

Something bad will happen to somebody somewhere!

Atlantis will be discovered and will be inhabited entirely by people who all look like Will Ferrell but only two feet tall and hundreds of times more annoying and less funny!

FOX will premier a reality show called “American Nazi” that tries to find the most bigoted person in the nation through a singing competition!

The Pope’s hat will be replaced with a propane tank called “Popane”!


Something good will happen to somebody somewhere!

Fish will sprout legs and march against humanity!

Stephen King will write another dry book with a twisted plot showcasing his insanity and unimaginative monsters but will still make millions off of it!

Movies that were shitty to begin with will be remade this summer and be even shittier, but will make far more than their predecessors while the critics drool over them!

“Buffer Briefs” will be made so that men can masturbate in public through a vibrating chip so they don’t have to push themselves to the limit and hold it in!

Sanjaya will launch a successful solo career that makes him bigger than Elvis!

Cell phones will be even smaller and have even more stupid/useless features!

“Gangsta” pants will hang even lower past the ass giving rise to a series of fashions that showcase plumber’s crack!

Country music will be mandatory to listen to resulting in the mass suicide of everyone who likes real music!

Britney Spears will give birth to more babies than any human ever!

TV shows will continue to get worse until the government steps in and lobotomizes every citizen to make them laugh at just about anything! Highest rated show? Film about a monkey going about its life!

Krowness will get new hats with the money he made by stealing your car and chopping it for parts while you read his website like a dink!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Myspace Blows!

Of all the stupid websites in existence, nothing beats Myspace. There’s a huge population of sexual predators, violent old men posing as teenage boys and millions of hackers breaking into accounts just so they can post messages for ringtones and Macy’s discount cards. I could ramble on all day about this shit but chances are you see it in the news (especially FAUX news) on a nearly daily basis. So there is no point to restate the obvious here. One of the biggest problems with Myspace is the advertising. If the hackers and spam bots aren’t advertising for you against your will, the login screen is covered in shit:

I’m from Baltimore, KISS ME GOD DAMN IT!

And then there are more ads once you pass the trial of the login screen, some of which are just as stupid:


What the hell? Why should I cut the mullet of this inbred hick whose gender I cannot distinguish? And why is participation required if it’s only of a damn ringtone?! Is the life of a foreign policy maker hanging in the balance if I refuse? Will Skeletor defeat He-Man? We don’t know! I emailed the company that sponsored this ad twice about why they require it to be played but of course they never responded.

Then we have Tom, the personality who created this website. Despite all the media attention it gets and for being number one on PC World’s
25 Worst Websites he seems to be completely oblivious to all the trouble he’s caused over the years (once again, I’m not going to go into it here). To top it all off, he’s number one on my list of Ugliest People Alive.

Don’t try to deny it; you’re hot already aren’t you?


AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Not only does he have the nerve to automatically be your friend upon signing up, but he also has that ghastly smile that Maddox expertly termed the “pedo-smile”. No wonder this site is the electronic equivalent to an unsupervised water park.

Next time you have the urge to go and sign up for Myspace, remember to tie a noose for yourself first and then proceed to play “What We Do to War Criminals”. If you have a problem with how I hate Myspace and want to complain, be sure to also note if you’re a fan of NASCAR, Motocross, or train spotting so I know to delete it without missing anything.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Recommended Reading for Poets!

Well, it’s finally happened. I received my first piece of hate mail! One of my college friends emailed my article on Famous Poets right to the company. Apparently they thought it was me, since they are clearly idiots who think that only one person feels this way about them. So, rather than reply to the sender, they contacted me:

Date: Tues. Dec 17, 2007 at 7:17 pm ESTFrom: free@famouspoets.com
Subject: Famous Poets Entry

Why do you write about a site you wrote? You sent many emails advertising your mistake laden posting already. Had you asked for a couple of new books from the beginning because they were not well made we would have sent them (and they would have been perfect). There were obviously some messed up ones that got sent, a legit mistake and easily fixable. Instead you sent numerous complaints under numerous false identities and never once said what the issue was. All you did was make bizarre statements. Even now you attempt to hide your identity but we know who you are so you can cut the impersonations.

This issue is over. Since you wanted to resort to your bizarre methods of whatever you want to call it rather than just ask for a couple of new books we'll leave it as you set it up; with, after this last reply, a continuation of ignoring your emails.

Thanks,
Famous Poets
Where happiness is being published!

http://www.famouspoets.com

Wahh! Wahh! Listen to the baby cry while it shits its diaper. Work on your fucking grammar too so you don't sound like an inbred dolt (though we all know you are). And what bizarre statements did I make? Telling the truth? Or was it threatening to file a lawsuit against you, which, after this harassing email, I am strongly considering again?

You claim that I resorted to "bizarre methods of whatever you want to call it" (what, you don't know what to call posting on a website?) rather than requesting a new book. No I did not request a new book. I requested a fucking refund. I had to tell you that dozens of times. I don't want a shitty book, I want my money back for the sole reason that it was stolen! That request was never answered though, since they only dish out new books (free or not, I'm not sure) and won't give back your money.

And what do you mean by "cut the impersonations"? Who am I impersonating? This is me! It's not like I'm posing as another person!

Now, if my website is “mistake laden” then why the hell are you not using this valuable email to tell everyone WHY it’s wrong? Why are you completely failing to defend yourself? Is it because you can’t, because there is too much evidence available online and in print that says otherwise? Here’s a list of sources that show just how mistake laden Famous Poets is:

And this is just a fraction of what you find online. I guess they're all "mistake laden" then. After all, apart from my own experience with Famous Retards, I used many of the sites listed above to discover the truth about this scam.

So, I did a little look online and found the perfect book for anyone who works at Famous Poets, and it’s just in time for the holiday season too!

Not only does it look like a topic they need to read up on, but also at a level they can handle without becoming frustrated and throw the book at the wall in a wild temper tantrum.

I can't help what my readers send you. After all they are human and have rights to their own opinions, but then again, to you they're just money. I don't send you people shit, but you certainly send me enough to fill a bucket.

Just for the record, my English professors applauded my research and article on your scam, DESPITE the vulgarity of it. Hell, why not go after them now too Mark Schramm or Lavender Aurora, or should I call you John Campbell since that is your true identity and all these other people are just imaginary friends, false identities (so how dare you accuse me of that, you obviously never heard of an Internet personality like Maddox I take it, or the fact that I need two accounts for email and instant messaging, the latter which has been changed countless times due to a glitch that blocks friends randomly while talking online), or just regular old multiple personality disorder.

Take your meds and join us in reality sometime, huh?

Now, why don't you leave ME alone, Famous Poets? I have nothing to say to you but this: you are a scam, there is enough proof. Get over it! If you disagree then why don't you go to some of those sites I listed and tell them as well. I'm sure they're all ears.


And by the way:

Fuck off.

Friday, December 14, 2007

I Hate Dumbass People!

Yesterday we had a large snowstorm here in New England. While driving home from classes I saw some of the dumbest people in the world, but the one I am going to talk about was only two blocks away from my house.

I came up to a stop sign at a four way intersection. To the right of me is a hill. Coming down this hill was the most retarded man on earth. At this point the roads were becoming slick to walk, but still okay to drive on. So what is this dumbass doing? He’s riding a god damned bicycle, at least forty miles an hour, down the hill. He ran through the stop sign and the momentum was so great that his bike slid right out from under him and his ass was scraped open by the pavement.

Honest to Odin, I have never laughed as hard as I did. I did not go out and help him. He did not deserve it. Not one bit. The only help he could have used was that of a plow running him over. A few times at that.

Anyway, he got up, his pants ripped and a little bloody and rode away with a look on his face that I can only describe as “dumb dee dumb deedle dee!”



Honestly, it was that stupid looking. And god ugly at that too. But of course I have a bias, as the only man in the universe that I can possibly consider handsome, after hours of thought, is a Viking named Krowness.

Well, I guess the point I’m trying to get to is this; we frigging need an asteroid to hit this planet and wipe out all the stupid people. Everyone who’s worth saving will have figured out how to live in space and or Mars. This would be a world with no wars over politics and religion. And of course no fundies who create an abomination to science and their god in the form of a “creation museum”.

If I ruled the universe, I’d make it mandatory that everyone with an IQ below 90 would have to live on a special reservation on some desolate planet at the edge of a galaxy where they can’t do any damage. This of course would not apply to those who cannot help their situation such as being mentally challenged. They are welcome to stay with us. But if you are just a regular asshole, dumb shit, fundie etc. then it’s off the reservation with you.

Sooner or later they’d end up blowing it up, or the planet would just say fuck it and nuke itself. Then we’d just find another farm to put the stupids.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

New Greeting Card Available!

Simply copy and paste it into an email and send it to your friends because this site won't let me put in a form to email it directly!

Another Famous Poets Update!

In September I wrote a really shitty poem and entered it to Friendly Poets, another section of Famous Poets. The poem, The Viking Wrath, had purposely made spelling and grammar errors but was still accepted. Here is that poem, the purposely included errors are in red:

I'm tough, that's right
I'm very tough, that's right.
I conqoured a town today,
Vikings raid, and cities burn.
Tehy took our children

our money and life.
We fight and will ride
for Odin's sake to reaclaim
our stolen pride.
Riding while we're lsot,

until we die,
Viking ghosts.

Then the other day, much to my amusement, I got a letter from Lavender Aurora about how good it was blah, blah, blah. So here is a scan of said letter, both sides. It is embedded through Image Shack so that it will fit here and is capable of being enlarged when clicked for easier reading. Note that my personal info (last name, address, etc.) has been removed.

Side One!
Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

Side Two!
Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

Click to enlarge! For better quality, click the loaded image for a closer zoom!

Friday, December 7, 2007

Valhalla Bombed!

Today at 7:30 A.M., a day that will live in infamy, Valhalla was bombed brutally and without mercy by the Burrito forces who have been aligned with the Waffles since the start of the Waffle War. Odin was quoted with “Now, it’s my problem.”

A wave of Extra Fiery Fighters were seen heading into the main ports of the city and it was thought that it was only a drill exercise for the Viking air navy stationed there. The enemy fighters began dropping proton bombs and torpedoes onto the starships. Seven battleships were destroyed. The attack seemed to have been focused on crippling the carriers. The carriers, however, were running exercises in orbit with heavy bombers and survived. Fifty four out of the sixty stationed Viking starfighters were destroyed in the attack. The survivors took to the air and shot down a dozen enemy fighters before they retreated.

Close to five hundred Viking men and women are dead and an estimated one-hundred-fifty are missing out of the two thousand stationed at the large Valhalla Port. The bombings also killed seventy civilians in the surrounding city and the fires are still raging over the harbor and spreading into the city. The body count is expected to rise.

Odin has responded to this act by declaring a state of war with the National Socialist Waffle Workers Party and Burritos. Viking troops will be dispatched to aid the Pancakes on the Breakfastdom front while troops will be sent into the Tabasco Ocean to begin retaliatory strikes against the Burritos. More on this story as it develops.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

No, You Can’t Have My Identity!

I am fucking sick and tired of getting spam emails everyday saying that I’ve won forty trillion dollars or am the heir to the Russian throne etc. We all know it’s a scam. And we all know how I feel about scams.

Today (Dec. 6, 2007) I received two in a matter of hours that wanted me to fill out a form and email it back to them. I’ve taken the liberty to post them here, the scammers' email address included. Just remember to check out their names. If that doesn’t give them away then get offline and burn your computer because you’re too stupid for the Internet.

This is email one:

We wish to inform you of the yearly Bmw Automobile promotion programme that your e-mail address has won an award sum of a total cash prize of £450,000.00 (Four Hundred And Fifty Thousand Pounds) shared among the first six (7)* lucky winners in this category. Do contact your Fiduciary Agent via email for remittance


***************************************
Mr Mark Smile
Email:bmwclaimsagent_06@yahoo.co.uk
Phone:+447045758862

***************************************
Below is the claims and verifications form.You are expected to fill and return it immediately so we can start Processing your claims:1. Full Names:2. Residential Address:3. Direct Phone No:4. Fax Number:5. Email address:6. Sex:7. Age:Nationality:9. Occupation:We wish you the best of luck as you spend your good fortune.Thank you for being part of our commemorative yearly Draws.Sincerely,
Mr Rally Pole
Public Affairs Officer

*[Emphasis added]

I love he mentions the first six winners and then put a seven in the parenthesis. Also, he proves how much of an assclown he is by emailing this in America, where pounds are almost as useless as our own dollar. Come on, Mark Smile? And what is it with con artists and Marks? Mark Schramm of Famous Poets, Mark Smile of “BMW Automobile” (not). Why not create new, obviously fake names like Japhinydoo Afoo?

Fundies Say the Darndest Things!

This is email two, with “Dear Beloved” as the subject:

I am Mrs.Rita Gilbert, the wife of Mr.Sam Gilbert, my husband worked with the Chevron-Texaco in Russia for twenty years before he died in the year Two Thousand & Four,We were married for ten years.My Husband died after a brief illness.When my late husband was alive he deposited the of Seven Million Five Hundred Pounds with a Bank in Europe.This money is still with the Bank & account has been DORMANT and if I, as the beneficiary of the funds, do not re-activate the account; the funds will be CONFISCATED or I rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf, note that you need to activate this Account .Presently,I'm in the hospital in Russia undergoing treatment for esophageal cancer.Please if you are interested in helping me out do contact my private email below:

ritagilbert_24@yahoo.com.hk

Come on. This email comes with this message in it twice, stacked on top of each other. Your spam bot also needs to learn how to punctuate correctly so it’s not so obvious. I mean, you almost fooled me! I was just a few seconds away from sending you all my money! Then I realized that I’m not a fucking idiot and emailed back with this:

You are a non-existent cunt who just wants to steal my identity and money. Learn something from your "husband" and go die.

I know that it’s a fact that almost every human being in existence now is a complete dumbass. You worship singers on a game show that highlights karaoke. That reminds me of how much I hate karaoke. What is so fun about going up in front of strangers and ruining great songs? You can’t sing. Nobody likes you. You fantasize about sex with super models while you live with your parents and play World of Warcraft more than I breathe in a single day.

In conclusion, stop emailing your retarded scams and eat me:

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Buying from iTunes? Watch Out for Bullshit!


I hate Apple. Everyday they force images of the incredibly lame iPhone down my throat and try to make me look like a dink for not having one. I already have an iPod, but it’s not anything like they make it out to be (for one I didn’t become a god like they made it seem I would, but more on this later) and the sight of those fucking dancing silhouettes makes me want to cut my head off and mail it to the president of this ass sucking company.


My trouble with Apple started a few months ago when I made a purchase on iTunes with my Visa debit card (which is also a piece of shit, but that’s another story). I happened to buy a collection of Claude Debussy piano works to enjoy and all was well. A few weeks later, iTunes is telling me that I have an outstanding charge since they did not get authorization from my debit card.

Thinking that maybe the card was low on money and that was the reason I put more on it and paid back. That’s when I saw that they charged me three fucking times for the album I bought only once! This error on their part is what my “outstanding charge” (which was only 11 cents in debt) was the result of. Now, I had some trouble with them in the summer when they did the same thing and charged me twice for an album I purchased once. They gave me a $17 credit and apologized. The credit they owed me never once showed up in my account. If it had, they wouldn’t be trying to suck my cock for some fickle pennies.

So after I paid off the debt I owed from their own dipshit error I get notified that I have another debt of 99 cents. These pricks are charging me for something I never bought and they don’t even have the receipt to tell me what it is they charged me for! I emailed them and they said that their bank shows that I bought a song on Nov. 11 of 2007 and that is the problem. Well it’s too fucking bad that Visa says otherwise. I had my debit card cancelled prior to the date this “purchase” was made (for dozens of stupid hidden fees that I will do another article on) so how the fuck could I owe you retards shit?

I emailed them and they said I could buy an iTunes gift card for the minimum amount of money and use it to redeem my account and pay off the mystery debt. I go and do that. I put the gift card number into the part of the website were I redeem it and it’s invalid. I emailed them back and gave them my number and then they have the fucking nerve to say it’s invalid because I didn’t buy it and therefore it’s illegitimate. What the fuck? I have the fucking receipt!


So now what I’m going to do is write them a letter and mail them the fucking money, entirely in pennies, and tell them just what I think about their service. They have no use for customers. They screw users out of money and cannot prove what purchases were made when or how. They claimed to give store credit but did absolute dick.

My letter will be the following (my personal information is omitted):

You have repeatedly told me that I have an outstanding fee of 99 cents and no matter what I do to resolve the problem it never clears up. Your employees have not been of any help and the gift cards I purchase to fix this problem are all rejected. Here is your 99 cents, nice and easy to count (so you can have some fun). Please pay off this “outstanding charge” and you will never have to worry about me buying from your store again. Thank you.

I will never buy another item from iTunes again and neither should you. These people are on a level of mouth breathing and uselessness that rivals Famous Poets. In fact, iPods suck. I hate them. Mine always crashes, freezes and needs to be reset just because it won’t turn the fuck off. It’s not even real. “iPod” is just a fuck faced word made up by the chimps at Apple while they came (as in cum) to the idea of a portable hard drive that plays audio files.

I never cared much for Apple but their iPod family is like the retarded cousin you pretend you don’t have until the hellish reunion every Fourth of July comes up. Then your grandfather makes you clean and prepare the grill and cook all the food for a bunch of people you see only once a year or have never until that day while he jumps into the pool with his colostomy bag about to burst. Yeah good times.

Apple: you are nothing and you have nothing. If it weren’t for your stupid iPod you’d have gone the way of Atari after the launch of E.T. or the home version of Pacman. You will never have anything either until you stop being such a crusty old prick.

I want everyone who reads this to email a complaint to Apple and tell them how you feel. They'll learn the hard way that it's better to lose a few cents then to lose their customers. I thank Maddox for writing his article on Orbitz because without that, I'd be at a loss with what to do with Fuck Tunes.

UPDATE:
As of Dec. 2, 2007 this issue has been resolved only because I was able to get the gift card to work and pay off my debt. No songs were purchased yet somehow they found that I owed them 99 cents. I had to carefully check to make sure that invisible and or imaginary songs did not count as purchases in their terms of service and they do not. But I still had to pay them some fucking fee because of an error they made and will not admit. I will still boycott iTunes and I want everyone else to as well.

The fact that I had to solve the problem out of my own wallet and that it happened at all is more than enough reason to never use their service again.