Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Bizarre, Unusual, and Downright Insane Sexual Fetishes!

The other day I was watching some good old fashioned hardcore porn with two women performing certain actions with each other for (more than likely) a male audience, but let’s not forget our lesbian community as well. It was all good natured, classic and classy stuff. After taming the cobra when the program ended, another one came one entitled Tropical Erotica 14.

After making sure that the title predominately featured women I thought, “Well, this sounds like a nice feature. I think I will boil up some tea, smoke some fresh tobacco and enjoy this naughty little adventure.” When the film began, it all seemed innocently normal. A girl was on the beach, slowly taking off her bikini.

“Oh, this is getting good.” I began to think when suddenly I realized something was wrong. Just as the girl finished stripping she began to erotically eat a pineapple. “Okay, just setting up the scene before another girl gets involved.” I once again thought. Then she proceeded to fuck the pineapple! I had inadvertently discovered a video made for some twisted fetishist community that, up until this point, was just an underground group of ugly, obese wankers living in their mother’s basement and watching reruns of Star Trek (and aforementioned “porn”).

No matter how stupid, ridiculous or retarded a sexual fetish, you are bound to find it sometime, most likely on the Internet. So you know what to look out for when looking for a good porno, I’ve decided to make a list of the most bizarre, unusual and downright insane sexual fetishes. Oh no, we’re not talking about furries, necrophilia, or strange masochism. That is sane and reasonable compared to what I found when I looked up “strange fetishes” on Google. You are about to enter a world that even horrible acid laced nightmares cannot replicate…

Abasiophilia: This is when you are attracted to a specific disability. No, not to the person, but their actual disability. The movie Crash (not the 2004 film about racism) had a plot that predominately featured this when the main characters were aroused by crashing their car and other victims of the same thing with leg braces, casts and the like. If you are turned on by some poor human being’s unfortunate physical condition, then you need to try your skills at underwater breathing.

Robot Fetishism: This is when one is turned on by people who are humanoid robots and or androids. This is better known to the fuckwit community as A.S.F.R. (for alt.sex.fetish.robots.) so if you see that on a video, put it back and wash your hands with lye soap and steel wool immediately to avoid contamination. You might be safe rubbing some in your eyes too. Krillin, of Dragonball Z, is known to be one as he married an android.

Statuephilia: The same god damned thing as jizzing to robots. Only it involves statues or women turning into statues instead of robots.

Transformation Fetish: This is the umbrella term for the above two asinine obsessions. If you get wood when you see a woman transform into an animal, or a robot, or statue or any freakin’ inanimate object, then congratulations, you’re a fucktard. You are best to go and find a girl become a werewolf. You’ll be so busy trying to rub one off that it’ll rip your fucking throat out.

Body Inflation: Now we’re getting into the dark territories. Did you ever fantasize about having a body part of yours (any, doesn’t have to be sexual) inflated like a balloon? Neither have I, but apparently it gets some motors running. If only they could run themselves into a tree.

Furverts: Pick any cartoon character that you find particularly entertaining. Now jack off to it. If you’re enjoying it, then you are a furvert.

Plushies: Imagine getting a nice stuffed teddy bear for your girlfriend. Now imagine that she is getting strangely aroused and wants to fuck it. Well my friend, you have just seen the rare and elusive plushie.

Inflatable Toy Fetish: This is not to be confused with the pathetic antics of men who can only get inflatable girls to date or the just as pathetic balloon fetish. This is when someone gets hard in or around inflatable toys, mostly to be used in pools. Why it burns their pants or what exactly they do with them is a mystery that should remain one for eternity. But next time that lonely guy at the public pool with the skimmer walks by, beware.

Eproctophilia: Ever been in an elevator and someone rips a huge one and it just happens to be the slutty intern? Now do you feel like doing the monster mash with her? Guess what you sick fuck, you are an eproctophiliac.

Car Exhaust Fetish:
Woman: “Oh honey, what’s that smell?”
Man: “It’s only the exhaust system, I think it’s malfunctioning. We should have it checked at the next gas station.”
Woman: “Oh, oh, let’s do it!”

Uh, pass!

To Hell with hybrids!

Coulrophilia: Honk, honk; it’s Basil the Clown! Honk, honk; I creamed my pants!

Yeah, I’d hit that.

Vorarephilia: I was watching a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode with a very bad film called The Creeping Terror. In one scene, a comment was made when the monster was eating many women and if it was a weird little turn on for the film crew. Well, apparently it was. If you enjoy seeing people being eaten, fantasize about eating them, or being eaten yourself, you need serious medications. What is more disturbing about this is the fact that most “vore” media is made with cartoons that mostly feature animals as main characters. Hmm.

Emetophilia: Reading about these disturbing and disgusting behaviors is making me want to puke my brains out. But I don’t dare do that because that might turn you on if you are an emetophile.

Wet & Messy: Known as WAM by the "elite", the only problem I have with listing this here is that if it weren’t for this, we wouldn’t have girl on girl mud wrestling. But when there’s asshats on YouTube jacking off to old Nickelodeon slimings, some of which are of children, you know something awful is happening. Granted, a good old pie to the face or sliming is great for some old school humor, but nothing more.

Katoptronophilia: I don’t know about you, but I would not want to see myself having sex. But apparently some do like to keep a large mirror nearby for when they shake pubes or polish up the one-eyed weasel.

Here I cum!

Omorashi: I’ll admit that Japan can be pretty fucked up at times (but name one nation that isn’t in this day and age), but this is just so retarded that it makes a certain U.S. president look as smart as the chimps he resembles. I don’t know how seeing someone piss their pants is a turn on but Japan seems to have a special liking to it, even making Anime featuring it. You may not see it in the States much, but watch out! It could be here faster than you can say “Pearl Harbor”. We’ve already lost Australia:

Abandon your faith: this proves that there is no God.

Axillism: Sex with the armpit. Not a fetish, but just as batshit crazy. I don’t think further commentary is needed:

I’ve had the misfortune of looking up some of the most peculiar shit in the universe when it comes to sex, but nothing compares to the number one most bizarre, unusual or downright insane fetish:

Dendrophilia: This gives tree hugging a whole new meaning. The fact that there are people out there aroused by fucking trees proves that we should exterminate all hippies (as they are the only ones who could possibly be doing this shit). This has to be one of the most retarded things I have ever heard of. Just what you need, a cock with splinters in it (although I must say that hippies deserve it). I mean, it’s a mother fucking tree!

Well there you have it! A list of some of the most fucked up sexual fetishes known to man. If you happen to have any of the above, please stick your head in a gas oven and put a gun in your mouth.

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