Monday, October 29, 2007

Fundies! Busting the Demon Busters!

While cruising on Fundies Say the Darndest Things, I found a quote from a website called Demonbuster.com (check it out, yeah, it's not a joke!) They had a list of things that were demonic, including dolls, Irish (?), frogs, statues, candles and a whole mess of stupid shit that makes no sense. Since I’d rather be shot with projectile vomit than let assholes like this run amok, I decided to have some fun.

I went to their website, and sent them an email about a “demon in my house”. All I did was summarize an episode of the anime Bleach (yes I’m a dork who likes comic books and anime, shut up) and sent it to them. This is my email:

I have a demon in my home. It slams doors, possessed my sick father dozens of time and has hurt everyone physically. We have NO occult items in or around the house and pray everyday.

I have done what you recommend and nothing works. This demon says its name is Beebo (I think it'd be spelled that way) and claims that I am a fool to try to remove it. It says that only a Soul Reaper can defeat him and that and that speaking and calling to Jesus won't help at all and laughs at all the attempts and then says that Jesus isn't real and wouldn't care even no matter how hard I try.

I have called my entire church to try to rid my home of it. We all prayed and fasted for hours and read the Bible and cast it out in Lord Jesus' name but it still only laughed at all of us. Some of the women even ran out terrified when it spoke. It still insisted that only a Soul Reaper can possibly kill it.

What do I do?

Yeah, sounds like I made it up (or rather paraphrased it from a Japanese cartoon). Any sane person can tell you that. Hell, I bet there are schizophrenics out there who would even say that’s a whole lot of shit. Well, this is the email I got back only a few hours later:

Hello! Stop listening to the demon. Demons cannot be killed, so that is another lie he is telling you. There is no such thing as a soul reaper. Even the devil cannot take a soul without the person giving consent, then they can get it back if they get Saved.

I suspect you are not spending enough time to cast it out. There could be something in your home giving legal grounds to stay. In that case, the demon does not have to leave until you find the source. Just some sources - dolls, stuffed animals, statues, frogs, owls, unicorns, Oriental and African stuff, to mention some.

If all in the household are not doing daily self Deliverance, that could be legal grounds for the demon.

Anoint your home with oil.
Play an audio Bible.
Play our midi file - OH THE BLOOD OF JESUS.
Play our audio files.

Stop going to that church if they are not teaching Deliverance.

If the demon is still there after the above, tell him you are going to put him in THE BOX if he does not leave. See our article on THE BOX.

Keep us posted.

Oh my. It seems these people are not just insane; they redefine the very grounds on which we determine what is insane and what is not! Oh, and is that bigotry I smell towards other cultures?

So I replied with this gem:

A man came later though; he was dressed in a black and white robe and glowed like an Angel. He called himself a Soul Reaper and killed the demon with a giant sword which he called a "zanpakuto". I literally saw it disintegrate. He then gave me a Cross and said that God told him to help me since Jesus answered my prayers and knew I couldn't do it alone so He sent a reaper to do it for him. He then cured my grandfather's cancer before leaving and my grandfather could see Jesus in the eyes of this Soul Reaper!

We haven't had any problems and the angel, who called himself a Soul Reaper, has disappeared mysteriously. You can literally feel that the air has changed and that the evil presence is gone!

Praise Jesus and his angels!


I have not yet received a reply but should shortly. It will most likely say, “that’s another demon, oh noes, run away for your soul!” Yeah right. I already have my soul insured with Odin, and Valhalla kicks way more ass than a Heaven were all you do for eternity is brown nose your deity (ask any preacher or read the Bible, it boils down to just that). At least Valhalla has endless booze, fighting and all the fun in the universe; also known as the Vegas of the Afterlife™.


Screw Jesus, killing a demon this way is much cooler!

UPDATE:
I have not received any reply for my second email to these dicks, and I doubt that I will now. Maybe they caught on, or just think I'm "da debil" and won't reply for fear of possession. Who knows, who cares.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Back to School: Part the Second!

Before you start, go back and read part one you dolt.

I gotta love the sign on the library. So nice and welcoming... Well, what if you are dual enrolled and attend the college full time and you are sixteen or younger? Do you still need an adult even though you’re a student?


All girls love a Viking.


They put computers in all the main building lounges. They seem to scream out "steal me!” But wait. What's that in the corner...?


It’s… it’s... It's a Tootsie Roll! Free candy, yum! I didn’t take it, but when I came by later in the day someone had :(


What this is doing in the Hammond lounge or what it means eludes me. But, whatever it is, it's very suggestive.


We be learnin'!


This is why you go against Mary Poppins and not feed the birds. I mean, look how close this stupid thing let me get to it! What if it were a fox, or better, yet a falcon, seeing as FSC has a boner for them? Then it wouldn't be so happy. It'd be stew.


I never noticed how Thompson Hall looks kinda like a Greek temple. Maybe it's the work of some secret cult or maybe even Freemasons (yikes!). Well anyway, Hail Zeus!


The main mode of transportation at FSC. Hey, put some dinosaur bones on it and you can't stop me from driving it all over campus singing "Flintstones, we're the Flintstones!"


And here's the end of our photo safari :(
It's Campus Pizza! And then people wonder why there's such a thing as the "freshman fifteen”.



That's it. Stay tuned for more photo adentures coming up after Halloween!

Back to School: Part the First! (late post)

I know, I know. It's October. Halloween is in a few days. But here's my photo adventure from the first day back to hell at Fitchburg State.
They spent thousands of dollars renovating the front of the Hammond building to make it look EXACTLY THE SAME!


Just what I always wanted! My name to be clawed to shit by birds.


I know the falcon is the school mascot and all but come on; can we lighten up with it already?


I don't know what the hell this means. Maybe it's some secret code to unlock a hidden chamber like Harry Potter.


I found these all over campus. Apparently what we learned all through middle school isn't enough to enforce anti-drug policies. It says: "If we find it, the munchies are the least of your problems." I don't know about you, but my parents get a letter like that ever year and they look the same way, but they call it a bill.*

*(Would be true if I didn't pay tuition myself.)



Oooh, another one! This one says: "You tamper with fire equipment, you wave bye-bye." Again, I think they don’t realize that we're in college and not kindergarten, but if that were true, the residential halls wouldn't have false alarms on a nightly basis.



MONOPOLY!!!!1one!


Again with the bird? Come on, this is just getting silly.


FEED ME YOUR YOUNG!!!



I wish they would find something a little less offensive than this bull.


Hmm, what's that chimney for...



Looks like a crematorium. But what’s next door…


OH. MY. GOD! DAKA FOOD IS PEOPLE!


You know what time it is? It's Crazy Hat Time! Yay!


Science! And it's blinding me!


These lousy crab apples may look nice and artsy in this picture, but every fall they come down, rot and stink up the entire campus. Then they get stuck in your shoes, and you track them home and you can't get away from the reek of rotten fruit. Curse you vile trees! Curse you!


Red Bull! Fuel for today's student!


There's more coming, keep reading in Back to School Part the Second!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

War!

We just received news today from the Viking Counsel. The Pancakes have declared war on the Waffles. A few years ago, the Waffle President died of pneumonia and his radical chancellor took the seat and combined the titles together into Lead Waffle. The kingdom soon assimilated the nearby nations of Belgium Waffle, Toast, and Cinnamon Rolls and formed a military alliance with the Breakfast Burritos, who are already at war with Tacos.

It didn’t seem like much at first until now. The Waffle nation (now known as the National Socialist Waffle Workers Party) attempted to annex neighboring Maple Syrup. Their president, Aunt Jemima, refused to allow the NSWW in, resulting in the invasion of the Syrups. The NSWW had more technological advances than we had thought and their powerful Eggo Tanks and LuftWaffle air force quickly demolished the Syrup nation. Aunt Jemima was captured.

The Pancakes issued an ultimatum. Free Aunt Jemima into the non-Waffle territories (the Vikings were willing to take her in), or risk invasion. The Waffles refused to meet the demands and beheaded Aunt Jemima.

The last image of Aunt Jemima still alive

This angered the Pancakes so much that they, along with the French Toast and Eggs, have declared a state of war with the Waffles and their allies as of this date, October 25, 2007. The Viking Nation has decided to remain isolated from the conflict engulfing Great Breakfastdom. Although we love a fight, this isn’t ours to take part in. After the declaration was issued, Odin appeared at a conference were he said, “Ain’t my problem”.

The Pancakes plan to begin the invasion in seventy-two hours. Right now, planes are dropping warnings over Waffle cities about the danger they are in for committing a war crime and urging civilians to leave so as not to be caught in military matters.

The Lead Waffle replied simply with “Blah akd alkdj zauraka dkkl bliajd brrrrrz”, Waffle for “Bring it on and suck my balls, pussies.” The leader of the Pancakes had no reply.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

The Fall of the Simpson Empire!




All good things must come to an end; summer, Yule, those parties where everyone is dancing naked but drinking too much to remember exactly why and so on. Some of the greatest empires lasted hundreds of years such as Greece or Rome and left their mark on the Earth for eons to come. The Simpsons, although only reigning supreme for a good twenty years, has left an equal mark. But this did not make it immune to the inevitable fall.

Although the exact dates of the decline (or “jumping the shark” as most television historians term it) are not known, most nerds mark it somewhere in late 2003, where an already weak season was followed by an utterly pathetic one and the pattern continued until the empire lay in ruin. Others may attribute the start of the decline when an over hyped, yet mediocre film was released in the summer of 2007.

The weakening Simpson Empire showed its vulnerability when the FOX network was sacked by a group of barbarians known as Family Guy (who had raided previously in 1999 but where pushed out after only three seasons of occupation) for a second time. This instance caught the Empire by surprise and lost many ratings in the battles until most of their territory had been lost.

The wars that followed allowed for other, equally powerful groups to arise on other networks, such as Robot Chicken and Metalocalypse (a further extension of the powerful Brendon Small Kingdom). And unlike the fall of Rome, this did not lead to a Dark Age, but a Golden Age of comedy that is still going strong, two years after the rise (which is quite long in television time).

Although still premiering new episodes, The Simpsons are struggling to no avail. The Family Guy barbarians hold too much territory and it is only a matter of time until the once Great Simpson Empire is no more than a memory; its merchandise collecting dust in the back of some Hot Topic or Newberry Comics. We will never forget the Gilded Age of The Simpsons, when one could actually laugh, and we thank the gods for the DVD collection of all the GOOD episodes before the fall.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Awesome Presidential Candidates!

While driving to class today (and crashing into those damn old people who cut you off to go 5 mhp, then beating them to death for cutting me off and damaging my car) I heard an ad for some political wanker from the boondocks spouting off promises like “cutting overseas spending”, “ending illegal immigration” and other shit that we all know he would never do or care to do.

Democrat or Republican; both parties are lying, vile and useless shits. (To all the shallow political polyps out there, no, I’m neither. I’m
Regressive like Maddox).

This would be a much better campaign ad:

“Hi I’m John ‘0.2 GPA in College’ Smith. Now there’s a lot of talk about health care, social security, the Iraq War, and other important issues that you will base your votes on. But in actuality, nobody out there, myself or my opponents, will do jack shit about any of them. I’m doing this for money, recognition in history books and other personal reasons such as amending the Constitution to suit my religious beliefs and restrict the rights of groups I don’t particularly care for.

“I won’t get you further. But fuck it, nobody is! So when you go to vote, you have to decide, who will screw you the least?”

-Paid for by John Smith


Hey, at least he won’t surprise everyone when a new bill gets passed that sets our education, American lifestyle and basic rights back to the Bronze Age.