Thursday, September 27, 2007

7 Reasons Why Football Sucks!

Winter is a season of evil. There’s snow, cold, caroling, happiness, screaming little shits going after every toy they see with a passion that I had once thought only existed in drug addicts and of course the fact that “Christmas” is just a blatant rip-off of traditional Viking Yule.

But one thing, above all else, is pure evil. This evil rears its vile, ugly head every year starting in the last days of summer and lasts until a month before spring. This malevolence is called…“professional football”.

I could easily think of thousands of things I’d rather experience than watch a football game. But instead, I decided to highlight the suckiest things about this sport, and all that come with it, and why a kick to the crotch is more fun.

7. Overly frequent commercials
I don’t know what it is about this sport that every single play has to be followed by a stream of annoying commercials that seem to question my intelligence. Being a Viking, I don’t need Enzyte. McDonalds is vomit marketed as “food”. Geico doesn’t even have the decency to stick to one mascot. (I feel really safe in the hands of people like that!)

It gets more annoying when the game continues and most of the “action” is lost due to commercial time, then the ball gets dropped and it’s back to the friggin’ ads! To add to the advertising, the stadiums usually have ads around the field, the announcers make sales pitches, and they have animated ads that flash at the bottom of the screen for various insurance companies. Hell, why not go one step further and make the players wear billboards! That’d convince me to buy some lame ass product! Then we can show more commercials in between the main ad! Just like NASCAR!

6. It’s not even football
Go to any other country in the world and “football” is what we call “soccer”. Way to go America! You just proved that you’re a dumbass! In fact, the foot is hardly even used in the fucking game, only for field goals. There’s nothing “foot” about it in the end. Why not call it by what it’s based on, rugby. Only most Americans are too wimpy to get hurt to play it the right way so they sissy-fied it into what we are tortured with every year. Yes, I said this. Yes, this makes me an asshole. Yes, I'm proud of that.

5. Dumbass jocks living it up easy
Jocks get treated like gods. Not just in high school where they can skip class to go smash their heads into each other over a stupid slab of rubber filled with air, but also in the real world, where they get paid millions to do the same damn shit. Most of them probably don’t even know how much a million is, for it’s common knowledge that jocks lack basic math skills (and most other skills as well).

Now before anyone says “what do you have agaisnt [
sic] jocks LOL!!!1one! Your [sic] probly [sic] some stupid musisian [sic] who got bllied [sic] by da cool kidz [sic] for bing [sic] a dork.”

To make things clear, I have nothing against them. After all, who else could I trust to pump my gas, or move my piano, or get my meal ready at a casual restaurant in the fastest, cheapest way possible?

4. Notre Dame
Who cares? It’s only a college game. Big fat whoop-dee-damn-do! Why don’t you go to your local college and support them (if you have one)? It may just be the only way your dumbass kid, who didn’t even know his own name when he entered kindergarten, will get somewhere in life. Be the coach’s bitch; get your kid to college!

3. Shitty food
Potato chips can kick ass. The best flavors are the regular salt and grease, sour cream and onion and the new salt and pepper variety. Barbeque is okay, but not important enough to be listed in the top three. But once football season starts, these good flavors of junk food get shadowed by ghastly versions of shit food.

Anyone who rushes out for a big econo bag of salt and vinegar chips needs to have their ass ripped off and glued to their head. Then there’s the pizza flavor, so spicy your ass will bleed flavor, Limon (lime flavor, gag), pickle. Pickle? Pickle! What the hell? And this is just from Lays (with the exception of pizza, that’s made by Pringles) who are also promoting football on their website!

Then there are the nachos, salsa, and a whole host of southwestern snacks. Since when did American culture become Mexican? What is the fascination with this shit? I love spicy food, but it has to be
food in order for me to eat it! Dried and salted mini-burritos in a bag are not food!

Now these are available all year round, but they seem to be more prominent (and advertised) once football season starts.

2. The Super Bowl
The Super Bowl can be considered good only because it is the last game of the season and we don’t have to put up with football anymore! What pisses me off about it though is that it is considered an unofficial holiday in the United States. Have we really gone that low? Some people forget when Veterans Day is (or don’t even know that it commemorates the end of World War I), but of course they’d remember what day this year’s Super Bowl is on!

Then there are the millions of dollars for more commercials to make the funniest one. Too bad they all usually suck ass. Better yet, why not make
ALL commercials funny, that way advertising agencies won’t piss so many people off every time their half-tard annoying shit is aired.

1. Overreaction of Players
This infuriates me more than anything else about this stupid sport. Score a touchdown; do a dance that even the most flamboyant male ballet star will look at with awe while saying, “God that is so gay.”

Throw this in with endless ass slaps, chest butts, occasional hugging and you have a sport that makes prancing around a maypole look like Street Fighter. I swear; the only reason that these athletes have to wear mouth guards is to keep them from making out with each other on the field.

Then to add to all this, there are bigots out there who you will find raving about football and its “manliness” and then aggressively criticize anything a gay person has done. I’d love to know where they buy their mirror polish.

And there you have it. Seven reasons why football sucks and will continue to suck until everyone realizes it and the game is never played again.

UPDATE 8-12-09:
Check out all the hate mail this article has been accumulating over the past three months:

Before you write any whiny, bullshit hate mail, why not realize that this is a humor website. I know perfectly well I'm not going into details about the game of football for sucky things, it's very hard to write an article where the answer is everything. So I found the seven areas of the sport and the "culture" that comes with it that weren't the most obvious, apart from the final point.

So before you dumbass jocks write an idiotic comment that does nothing more but prove your stupidity, look up the definition of satire. The time you spent writing me literary diarrhea could have been better spent painting your protruding beer belly with the colors of your favorite team.

UPDATE: 1-13-12
Krowness has moved to a new website. This article and all your favorites are now available in the new format. More to come, including 20 More Reasons Why Football Sucks!

See your favorite 7 Reasons Why Football Sucks article on the new face melting site.


Anonymous said...

If I were a chick, I'd be asking to have your babies right now..

Anonymous said...

you're freaking amazing.
i hate football so much.

Hank said...

Then to add to all this, there are bigots out there who you will find raving about football and its “manliness” and then aggressively criticize anything a gay person has done. I’d love to know where they buy their mirror polish.

This point cannot be stressed enough. It's hilarious listening to guys gushing about the "real men" of football. It's like, fucking hell, is that really what draws somebody to sports -- the "masculinity" of the people playing it? What a bizarre lens to view the world through.

Anyway, you forgot the most essential point here: It's a goddamned boring game. God, so fucking slow. How do these people put up with it?

Anonymous said...

That was epic. I almost died at several parts.

Anonymous said...

There is so much truth in that list.

Anonymous said...

Sure, fuck football, but salt/vinegar is delicious

Anonymous said...

I love it! you hit the nail right on the head in several of those points, but you forgot one thing... For several months you cannot go to your favorite bar or pub and chill out and drink your drink without being forced to listen to a bunch of fat stupid assholes screaming at the fucking television for hours and then talk stats and players with each other like they own the fucking team or something. These folks need their tongues cut out. Football is the labotamy of society. like you I choose to stay away.

P.K. said...

Football is a middle finger to me.Why?BECAUSE THEY AIR IT WHEN NORMALLY SHOWS LIKE THE SIMPSONS OR FAMILY GUY IS ON!I don't wanna watch crappy slow "sports" with a rip-off name,I WANT TO WATCH ACTUAL TV!

True_Kiwi_Joker said...

America should stop talking the talk and start walking the walk.
America needs to play Rugby Union or Rugby League.

steve said...

Yes! Thank you for stating what needed to be said in a witty and entertaining manner. The same can be said for all televised sports. I'm not anti sports mind you, but for God's sake, start the damn game earlier in the day so I can watch something worthwhile, like "60 Minutes" and still catch "The Simpson's" and "Family Guy".

All these grown up morons playing with their 'balls'. If that's not a cheap substiute masterbation, I don't know what is.

In any case, thank you again Sir.

Phil said...

Well done! I laughed my ass off.

I can't stand "arena people". When they start spouting football yack my standard reply is "I don't follow hockey".
Football is the most retarded waste of time and money ever. Although "neck-car" (as in redneck) is right up there too.

Teddy Bear said...

Football SUCKS rubber donkey lungs!!!

Teddy Bear said...

OK, I just made the short post above to see if I can post anything here on this blog. I didn't want to waste my precious time typing up a long essay only to have it not appear, as sometimes happens on some blogs and web site forums.

Anyway . . . . .

I have many good reasons, about 999999999999 raised to the power of 999999999999 reasons why I hate fools-ball, and why I think it sucks on all four cylinders!

But since we don't have an infinite amount of time, then I'll only discuss a few of them.

Fools-ball is responsible for the declining quality of education in our schools.

OK, I'm 57 years old now, so it's been a long long long time since I was in high school back in 1969 when the dinosaurs still roamed the earth.

Actually, they still roam the earth. They are called football players, or Jockosaurus Rex!

Anyway . . . . .

When I was in high school, I had this one science teacher who was also the school's football coach, and during football season, he was to fucking busy coaching his team of prefrontally lobotomized baboons to be teaching in my science class. So he would set up the movie projector, turn off the lights, and go out the door, leaving us all sitting in the dark, watching a bunch of stupid cartoons!

I wanted to learn science, DAMN IT! If I had wanted to watch cartoons, I would have stayed home and watched them on Ye Olde Boob Tube!

Then, in my English Literature class, we played Charades and learnd how to fold paper footballs!


In school, I was the typical fat little "nerd" or "geek" and a "sissy boy" because I did not care for sports.

I was lousy at sports anyway. Athe age of 4, I was in a car accident and my left knee was injured as a result. As a kid, I walked with a limp. I was unable to run, and I was often teased by the other kids because I was so lousy at sports.

My mother taught me how to read before I even started school. I grew up in a poor family, but as a kid, I thought we were rich because we had a house full of books.

By the time I was only in the 3rd grade I was already reading at the adult level, and at the age of 13, I scored 150 points on a standard IQ test.

Science was my favorite subject, especially Astronomy.

In school, I was once suspended because I failed to climb a stupid rope in the gymnasium. When I was in the 5th grade, I had this teacher who was really Gung Ho when it came to Physical Education and sports. On day in the gymnasium, he was teaching us how to play basketball, and I made a mistake, I don't know what it was, because I don't know jack-shot about basketball, and he grabbed the ball from my hands and punched me in the stomach as hard as he could, and I was doubled over for what seem like an eternity trying to catch my breath again.

He really liked to humiliate me in the gymnasium in front of all the other students.

So, not only do I hate fools-ball, but I also hate bastard-ball as well!

Then one day, our 5th grade class went to the school library. I saw this Astronomy book that I wanted, but he would not allow me to have it.

When I asked him why he allows all the other kids to check out any book they wanted and why I was allowed to check out the book I wanted, he dragged me out into the hallway, grabbed me by the shoulders, pushed me backwards, and bashed my head against the corner of the concrete block wall.

Well, the following year, that teacher was fired, and after that, he could not get a teaching job anywhere else.

But for a few years afterward, I had dizzy spells and headaches thanks to him.

When I was in high school, I was under a lot of pressure to sign up to get on the football team, because I was a pretty good size. Not very tall, only about 5 feet 6 inches, but I weighed almost 250 pounds, I had gained a lot of weight during my teenage years.

I now weigh close to 400 pounds. If the truth be known, I like being fat. As a Teenager, I liked becoming much bigger than anyone who had ever bullied me around.

So now, I'm apologetically FAT!!! And I like it!!! In fact, I love it!!!

Anyway, I left high school, because I wasn't learning jack-shit, because they didn't teach jack-shit.

So I studied for my GED test instead, and scored high in all the test subjects, science, math, history, etc. etc.

I believe a GED certificate is better than a high school diploma, because you have to pass the tests to get that GED certificate.

We have kid graduating from high school today who can't even read beyond the 5th grade level. It's pathetic!

According to the latest Gallop Poll, about 20% percent of Americans believe that the sun revolves around the earth. No doubt, they are a product of our, oh! So wonderful! Educational system!!!

If I owned a company and I was going to hire young people, I would hire someone with a GED certificate long before I would hire someone with a high school diploma.

If you come to me with a high school diploma, I would say "That, and a dollar, will get you a cup of coffee!" and then I would tell you to hit the road Jack, and don't come back!

I guess that here in the good ol' USA, we have decided that we don't need to teach science and math in our high schools. It's much cheaper to put up a couple of basketball hoops and buy football uniforms, than it is to equip a physics or a chemistry classroom with new lab ware.

We just need to teach our kids football, because we can always import techno-geeks from overseas to keep the wheels of our modern society turning.

We just need our kid to become good football players to keep all the rednecks entertained so they can sit in front of their big screen TV on Sunday afternoons watching football, and getting drunk on their ass, and then, beat the ever-living Hell out of their wives and kids when their favorite team looses the big game of the season!

Oh yes! And by the way . . . . .

Back in the 1960s, when I was getting my head bashed against the wall be a teacher who would not allow me to read Astronomy books, NASA had some Fascist Nazi piece of crap scientist from Germany by the name of Author Rudolph working on the Saturn V booster for Project Apollo. He was responsible for the deaths of 12 thousand people, war prisoners, slaving in the mines during WW II, and then, he eventually goes on to have a fascinating career designing a moon rocket, while an innocent 12 year old boy, and American citizen, was getting his head bashed against a brick wall by a teacher would not allow him to check out an Astronomy book from the school library!

The only reason why the USA beat the Russians to the moon was because we had The Reich Stuff!!!

All of this because we cared more about sports than we did, teaching our kids science and math in our schools.

So, now you all know why I hate football, and basketball, and hockey, and boxing, and wrestling, and baseball, and tennis, and soccer, and etc. etc. etc. etc.etc.

Need I go on!

Back in the mid 1970s, I was going to NMSU, New Mexico State University, taking courses in Physics and Astronomy. Unfortunately I was unable to complete my degree, but I did manage to get about three years of collage.

When I was at the University back in 1976, I found out that my Astronomy professor, and my Physics Professor were paid about $32,000 dollars per year.

But that donkey-fucking, scum-bag piece of shit, football coach was paid about $86,000 dollars per year!

And we have all these brain-dead fucking retards who can't read beyond the third grade level being paid millions of dollars per year, just to kick a hunk of pig-skin over an iron post.

It was actually cheaper to put a man on the moon. It cost NASA about $10,000 dollars per pound to send a payload to the moon.

But a football only weighs about a pound, and we have to pay some monkey-boy 5 million dollars a year, just to kick that one pound football a mere one hundred yards!

Also, these moronic Macho jockos can get away with all kind of shit. In our schools, the jocks get to bully all the other students around and they go unpunished.

So, not only do I hate, and absolutely despise football, but I also have no great love for football players either.

As far as I'm concerned, all football players should be ground up, and made into lunch-meat, to feed the homeless!

Need I say more???

Pete Bentley said...

Haha, great thread, with lots of enduring life, I see.

Just chiming in to say: Yes, football sucks. Football sucks donkey nuts. It is an absolute mystery to me how this game has become as big as it has.

(Actually, it's not really a mystery. It's all about the gambling. Take that away, and people would quickly stop giving a shit about football and its slow, snail-like pace.)

Anonymous said...

"Shadows grow long in the Fall sun...lazy leaves having lost their color spiral down to the ground." "I especially remember the bright lights of a football game in the Fall at night" "I remember the 'toasty smell' of a fresh 'Camel' cigarette being lit in the crisp air...the 'apple-crisp' air of the 'Fall'!"

Teddy Bear said...

Anonymous said...

"Shadows grow long in the Fall sun...lazy leaves having lost their color spiral down to the ground." "I especially remember the bright lights of a football game in the Fall at night" "I remember the 'toasty smell' of a fresh 'Camel' cigarette being lit in the crisp air...the 'apple-crisp' air of the 'Fall'!"


Me thinks thou waxes poetic!


Yeah, beautiful sounding words, but why waste poetry describing football during autumn.

Sorry Jimbo, But I think your poem sucks!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


Teddy Bear said...

Anonymous said...


OK, Anonymous, or is that Anymouse!

Glad to know that you hate football as much as I do.

But if you hate football so much, why did you write a pretty sounding poem about it? And yes, I still think the poem sucks!

And now, you warn me to mock you at my own peril.


Like, what can you do? Come over and kick my fat ass or something?

WOW! I just love it when these little twerps make threats over the Internet.

Ha! You can't do shit to me!

See ya around, JIMBO!!!

Anonymous said...

I never realized how many people hate football. Everyone who hates football are America's real heros.

Anonymous said...

ok you fucking fags im 14 and i dont care how old you FAGGETS are but football is a great sport and lots more of people like it than you COCKING SUCKING NEEERRRDDDSSSS...YOU FUCK HOLES are tryimg to say that football players are dumb wellll you all are the dumbs reqires good grades not bad ones...there for you must be smart to play football der der der whos the fuking dumb ass now,in fucking fact my G.P.A is a 3.8 and guess what im one of the cool kids and at my school you need over a 3.0 G.P.A to play football,hmmmmm i think thats an B thats a good if you think about it for a second u all just called me your talking shit about me my team my district my state and my country next time you want to call ME a dumb ass come say it to my face or you can come say it to my all of the highschools football players face wich are much stronger (im just gussing) but then all of you...(oh and p.s. your all just probly jelious you cant play your self or you just are a unathletic pice of shit who would rather watch family guy wich is funny but a fuking waste of time than go and watch a true americam sport...and the people that have such a shity pathetic life that they dont have eney thing better to do than go look this up and write a comment about it,the person who wrote this give me a palce to meat you and you can bring all of your fageet ass friends and il bring all of my smart BIG MUSCULER footbal players down and well so whos the dumb ass then...and if your a girl this dosent aply for you...HIGHLANDS RANCH HIGH SCHOOL ALL all the way bitch

Anonymous said...

Hey Highlands Ranch, get your panties out of that bunch they're in and learn to spell, you ignorant fuck.

p.s. You're in 9th grade. My left nut could hold a 3.8 in ninth grade.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous May 20, 2009 10:03 PM said...

And you wonder why we think football players are ignorant dumb fucking pieces of shit.
Let's take a look at all your erros:

FAGGETS- faggots

COCKING SUCKING- cock sucking

tryimg- trying

dumbs asses- dumb asses

reqires- requires

der der der -(cannot translate from idiot)

fuking- fucking (multiple times)

my country AMERICA- your country is the United States of America(America refers to both North and South America)

come say it to my all of the highschools football players face wich are much stronger (im just gussing) but then all of you - another impossible translation

jelious you cant play your self- jealous you can't play __? your self (i cannot play myself)

pice- piece

wich- which (multiple times)

Americam- American

shity- shitty

eney- any (by far the worst one fuckhead)

palce- place or palace (dumbfuck)

fageet- faggot(once more)

smart BIG MUSCULER- smart big muscular (but also an oxymoron)

dosent- doesn't


Anonymous said...

lol you all are probally just sitting in your basement`s playing stupid fucking internet games or playing gaylo 3 because you hate sports and go outside and do somthing not wasting you time saying why you hate a sport try getting fucking tackled by 250 pound guy you fucking pussy i bet you would cry lol PUSSY!

Anonymous said...


Milkie said...

Alright each and every one of you need a quick reality check outside of your overly self obsessed and seemingly sadnnening lives.

1. Teddy Bear- What sort of name is that anyways? Firstly no one wants to hear about your pittiful life story of how you were physically inferior to the other normal children and therfore could not participate in the rutine activities. Also teachers now days are stricly forbidden by law to distract from the duties and teachers for extra cariculars such as football. Plus you are not special simply becasue you learned to read at a young age. We all can fucking read.

2. who ever wrote this rant apparently has a boxed in veiw of themselves compared to society. Let me ask you. What are the bare essnsials that will always do well even in a troubled economy like what we are in now. Food, transportation, and ENTERTAINMENT. profesional and collage football is a means of cheap entertainment that most of the country enjoys, and if you have a problem with it running over your regualr programming then change the fucking channel dip shit because theres about a hundred million other people enjoying that same show around the country.

3. Where did these pro players start out at? As kids they took and intrest in somthing and foolowed through with it which is what the youth of today is doing as well. Just becasue you live a normal dead end life does not give you the right to deminish what others have done. You talk about eduacation and the progrssion of today's youth then take a look at what participation in an active and physical sprt will do. It simply and without a doubt helps children and teens, and as a prduct of that gives people a chance to further their opportunities in life.

4. get a life loser

Jim said...

You guys are all fucking faggots who failed at life and blame all problems on "society" instead of realizing you're just an unmasculne loser with no life/sex appeal.

Football is the most physically demanding and manly
sport ever. Not to mention strategic. As for your list, you appear to have little understanding of the game itself, focusing only on the commercial, stereotypical, and irrelevant aspects of football such as the advertisements and the "Stolen name"

I played tight end and linebacker on my high school's team, with great grades. I seriously pray for you guys to get lives and stop being jealous of those stronger than you.

Anonymous said...

Football stinks. It is a game for people who aren't fast enough to run track, lift, or wrestle at the national level, not to mention they can't do shit on gymnastics apparatus. Those fat lineman would break the rings and their neck on the way down. Not to mention quarterbacks, who are a a bunch of douches who can't pitch, or throw javelin at the national level, so they throw a ball from behind a wall of lard for a living. Kickers are failed soccer players, while running backs and flankers are just wankers.

Also, fuck NASCAR. Get out and run the track, bitch.

Anonymous said...

Theres nothing i can say about football that hasn't already been said here.

Fuck football and anyone who likes football.

Jake said...

Wow this no.1 describes my opinon of football COMPLETELY. Everyone always says "if you dont like football your gay". Whatever. Thanks for the article.

Anonymous said...

How can football suck if its one of the most popular sports in the world?

Anonymous said...

really when you get down to it, football is one of the most unpopular sports in the world, and it just plain sucks. People say "Football an baseball are the most watched sports in the world!" umm worng... those faggy sports are probably only watched in USA and Japan. If you want to see real sports try Soccer or Rugby. And football players might be great in high school. But when they get a hold of reality theyre gonna be working at Burger King or driving people in a Taxi. To that 14 year old dumb shit that said were jealous nerds that are unathletic losers. I like to c u playing a real sport. Those unathletic losers are probably gonna be your boss in the future. While your making average wage living alone, the losers are gonna be doing all these gorgeouse woman and making more money than you are. Cause if you play football in college in High school or college, its highly unlikely you will be play in the gay NFL. Now back to the topic. Fuck footbal. Fuck the idiot jocks that play them. Fuck all rednecks that watch it (cuz theyre to fat and stupid to play any sport). Fuck anyone that likes football.

Anonymous said...

I agree 100%

However its not so much the sport itself that I hate. It is the people and the culture that go with the sport. I hate the way Americans think that everyone cares about football. Just because I am a 22 yr old male, does not mean I love football. So please don't ask me who I am rooting for in the 'big' game.

Americans would like to think that everyone watches football, however that could not be farther from the truth. On any given sunday about 80 million people watch football. Even Monday Night Football gets no more than 12 million viewers, EVEN the super bowl only gets about 350 million viewers.

Now to put that in perspective, I am an avid Formula One racing fan and on any given grand prix weekend there are over 500 million people that watch EACH race. So in reality American Football is SO SMALL!

Football in my opinion is too slow, in no way is it action packed. EVERY play is about 3 seconds long with a 45 second break and then another 3 second play, and so on and so on. I need something fast paced sport, not a "show" to get drunk at! Football is for slow people. Then before and after the games, Tv stations ANALYZE the shit out of stats, as though that really makes a difference. STOP TALKING ABOUT IT and PLAY IT ALREADY! ENOUGH HYPE FOOTBALL IS GAY.

In no way is football "tough or hardcore", there are many other sports that are tougher, i.e. rugby, martial arts. No one has even died PLAYING football. 27 People have died as a result of F1 cars, and F1 drivers don't even TRY to act tough like football players do. Yet they know they could die every-time they get into the car.

The culture that comes with football makes me the sickest though. When someone who is good at catching a piece of pigskin, becomes a 'role-model' or 'hero', our country has problems. When we pay these people more than we do those who are actually advancing our society, we have major issues. When parents force their kids to play, because they did when they were young, we have issues. When colleges focus on getting the 'best' receivers or QBs, rather than focusing on admitting better, smarter students, we have real problems. Then when they admit a football athlete to play for them, he usually majors in some fluff major like psychology or political science, its SAD!

Seriously what have Football, Basketball, Baseball ever contributed to society, besides crap entertainment? NOTHING! Because they are worthless. At least Formula One has had some helping hand in how our modern cars work i.e aerodynamics, engine design, tires, gearboxes etc. It is a sport that actually REQUIRES brains, not just birth given attributes.

Football is America's way of denying that better sports around the world exist; the same with Nascar. Basically if it is popular elsewhere in the world, it won't be popular here in the US.

It makes me sad to see how stupid Americans have become, and like it or not Football and the culture it comes with it are to blame for the stupidity of our nation.

Anonymous said...

If this does not make you Football fans change your mind, then I don't know what will. This is a quote from Bill Parcels who happens to be a 'good' coach and has won championships in football, here is what he had to say:
"Come on—anyone who paid attention to my career must have suspected it," two-time Super Bowl-winner Parcells told stunned members of the press at the Cowboys practice facility Tuesday, reacting to their disbelief with surprise of his own. "When did I ever look like I was enjoying myself? When did you last see me smile on the sidelines or in the locker room? You must have at least wondered why I was always so angry with everyone around me."

"I'll tell you why—I was goddamn miserable," Parcells added. "Football sucks."

The coach expounded on his statements by explaining, in acid tones and with an exasperated manner, how he "just sort of fell into coaching" after playing college football at Wichita State, an experience he described as "pretty okay, I guess, at least for young men."

"But coaching? All that pressure, having to deal with all those dumbass players, just to play a game that's basically a lot of choreographed shoving?" Parcells said. "Screw that. Screw football. Seriously, I wonder sometimes why I was so good at it."

Parcells explained that he developed his trademark style of possession-oriented, run-first, ball-control football in an effort to not spend too much time thinking about a game that he found "basically pretty freaking dumb."

"No one was more surprised than I was when it worked," Parcells said. "Surprised and damn disappointed, really. Turns out football's really simple. Hell, a freaking ape could coach this game. Guys like Belichick, Cowher, Holmgren, you know why they're successful? Because they're actually too smart to coach football. Come to think of it, I bet they hate it too."

"The worst part of my success was that it meant if I wanted any kind of successful career, I had no choice but to spend my time dealing with really stellar guys like Drew Bledsoe, Lawrence Taylor, Keyshawn Johnson, and Terrell Owens," Parcells said in an effort to explain his often fractious relationship with most of his players. "Solid-gold citizens, football players. If they're not boring as hell, they're arrogant drug-crazed felons."

"You guys thought I was hard on them to make them better players," Parcells added, "but really I was hard on them because, except for Harry Carson and that one blond guy from the Giants, I hated every man who ever played for me very, very much."

Parcells said that, although the sport had led him down a cold, lightless path that seemed to lead down an ever-steeper path toward a premature stress-hastened death, it had taught him a few important lessons.

"First of all, never do anything you hate, even if it's the only thing you're good at, no matter how tempting the fame and the money are," said Parcells, who now regrets "measuring out my life one excruciating wind-sprint drill, one interminable video session, one bone-stick-stone stupid press conference at a time, until nothing is left at the tail end of my worthless life but regret and hatred for myself and others."

"Second of all, it's never too late to quit. Never. And sometimes it's the only right thing to do," Parcells continued. "And third, taking your hatred out on others, no matter how satisfying it may be, no matter how much those stupid wide receivers deserve it, is not really right. And I intend to make this the heart of my Hall of Fame acceptance speech when they put me in Canton in a few years."

Ed Lover said...

I really think football is boring, barbaric and just a waste of human emotion...As an american it is a shame that everyone identifies with this ritualistic BS on sundays.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I am amazed! Reason #1 captures my point of view perfectly!! Many people I have come to know always say that you are "gay" if you don't/can't play. Thank you for this article.

Anonymous said...

While some of the negative comments about football are "in your face," the hateful reactions of the high-school football players only reinforce and even more or less justify the negative stereotype of them.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad to have found this and read it....I dont watch any football and you might think that I am unpatriotic and a communist. My friends forced me to watch the superbowl last year and I wound up having to feed them....and they were offended that I didnt know the official football foods required and had the audacity to give me a list of what to prepare! I hated the whole game and found it boring....I could have been horseback riding, reading or something else more enjoyable like going to ob/gyn!!

Anonymous said...

I agree to all the resons listed. Football sucks ***. They weren,t even original enough to come up with a new name. I think soccer is waaaaayyyyy better than football.

A said...

Finally! Someone honest. Football sucks. It's brutal, senseless, and involves no "skill" or "strategy" whatsoever, just machismo.

Football H8ter said...

LOL love that~
I'm English, we play Rugby with NO protection whatsoever!

All you do in Football is drop the ball, pick it up, drop it, pick it up, so on and so on!!!

Anonymous said...

fuck you

Anonymous said...

What an eloquent rebuttal!

Anonymous said...

Don't forget that the only reason 50% of people even watch football is because they need something to make small talk about. Come on get a life without football smalltalk.
One time after not knowing witch team won that weekend a person ask me if I was an American. I told him yes free to tell you that football SUCKS and your a dumb azz for asking me that..

Jeff said...

and there you have it. oh yeah, now do a dance and spike that ball! "woot woot! I'm the man! I catched that stupid ball! now I can do that move I stole from M.C Hammer. now lets go fight some dogs!"

to all you idiots who actually like football: your supporting fat, moronic drug addicts and feeding their million dollar salaries, while you work hard for your meager earnings and spend it on watching football, so these overfed overpaid scumbags can continue their animalistic savage behavior.

Anonymous said...

Parcells hates football, I love it.

Here is a direct comparison to why football is pussy shit.

In this video is Matt Meinrod. His claim to fame is strength at a weight of 310 lbs.

This is Pyrros Dimas, Olympic champion. He weighs about 175 pounds. Although the video say 85 KG. I don't know.

You notice how all the football dicks are yelling and walking around like tough guys, yet, Olympic lifters just get it done. Pathetic mental pussies they are.

Anonymous said...

I get a rant every day of my freakin' life from my dad because i gave up wrestling and basketball and soccer. Im only a middle schooler but i have high hopes for my self. I know that collages love sports on applications so instead I'm going to get the "STudent council president" on it. But I'm running against this complete jock d-bag asshole that fits all of your stereotypes.What would he do with that title? Even my health teacher admits that these stereotypes are often correct. Infact the F.B. team gets to miss 9th period at least once a week do to a football game. Plus his tech and S.S. teachers are his coaches that have no respect for anyone that doesn't play football.

Anonymous said...

Football is good because of Sundays. While football fans are crippled, glued to their coach us less masculine folks (pun intended) have some benefits. We do not have to look at them in public venues and it is always nice to grocery shop during a BIG GAME!

Anonymous said...

Well, there is no doubt that the moron that wrote this post is an idiotic soccer lover. Football is an intense sport that needs instinctive speed, strength, and brains. The only people that despise football are the individuals that have no idea the joy of playing it, or the exhilaration of watching it.

Krowness said...

Or maybe I just hate football? In fact, I hate very fucking sport! Soccer, baseball, Frisbee golf, racing, polo, tennis, bowling, etc. It's all stupid. Thank you for your ignorant comment, didn't bother to read that this is a humor site eh?

Probably was too much or hard to read.

Anonymous said...

Why would you write about how something sucks if you don't even watch it?

Krowness said...

I don't intentionally watch it, but when your father has it on Saturday through Monday, and then your friends and girlfriend have it on the same amount of time, you technically see it. Hence how I know it sucks.

Anonymous said...

loved this article. I myself am a very large, muscular individual and have been targeted by football coaches throughout my teen years. What is truly hurtful is that they bluntly told me that all I would be good for is standing in as a line backer, whatever the hell that is, and that I had no potential in any other academic field. They also promised to "assure" my academic standing, which in so many words is to fudge my grades so I can play football. Oh yeah, you require so much brilliance to play, durr, so much that you don't even need to do any work in school!

Lee said...

Oh man, I _love_ the comments here! :) Hooray for football haters!

Ken said...

Your right football officially sucks ass and always will. If I really wanted to see pussies running around in tights I would go to a fucking stage. Also you are correct if they want to be real bad asses they would play fucking rugby. By the way Krowness kicks ass.

Anonymous said...

Yes, your absolutly right!! Football, excuse me, American Football sucks! I'm an American female and I love watching Soccer and Rugby where the teams wear no silly pads and other useless "protection".
What I hate the most is living in a state where football is worshiped by nutsy assholes who look at you crazy if your not a big fan like them or stuff yourself with hot wings and beer.

Anonymous said...

haha this article made me laugh so much. the author is not only hilarous, but in the humor he also makes some good points. american football is the biggest bag of shit ive ever witnessed.

Anonymous said...

oh man...I love this site!!! the thing worse than football would probably be...a kick in the nuts. It's debatable. In any case, I dread the fact that every single year I have to delete certain channels off my tv because i'm not going to watch a bunch of fuckin fat sob's "love" each other and get paid millions of dollars to do about our truck drivers in this country, they dont get paid shit and yet they prob have the single most important job out there!!! without them we don't have ANYTHING..without fat football players...we have...a better world! :) Please never delete this site man, I know there's more morrons in this world that love that stupid ass sport but maybe we can convert some to realize what a pathetic display of retardation it really is...and to all of you football players/watchers out there that send hate mail because of this site, u suck too...

nohope said...

...American football...dont get me started man.Corporate sports business.All they want is your money,and you foolishly go and spend it.Whether is ugly jersey's,subscriptions to sports channels or life size fat head stickers for your wall(wow!!)Can't stand most of the dudes at work that talk foolball like they own the team or have a say on it.
American foolball is like a bad case of herpes,when you think it's gone...boom it's back with a vengeance.
Can't even watch the news during foolsball season,you know,try to get my daily dose of the current rapes,murders and whatnot,without seeing 45 minutes of foolsball analysis and 15 minutes of actual news.
In all honestly,i gave the sport a chance;tried to watch it a couple of times,just can't digest it.
Seen rugby many times,now that's a sport,bet they dont make the millions this overpaid baboons make.Dont believe me??Watch both games back to back and you'll see what i'm talking about.
Unfortunately,I live in a state that's lobotomized by foolsball(Denver).There's a new kid QB in town(Tim tebo or something)the kid hasn't even played in the allmighty nfl and he's treated like a damn hero allready,(maybe he found the cure for breast cancer and apparently i'm the only that didn't know).The news wont shut up about him and so the mindless foolsball aficionados nfl fans.They talk about him with such passion,makes me wonder if he's going to pay their electric bill or maybe that late car payment.Whatever it is i'm perplex by their attitudes,they might even become violent if you disagree with their precious gods gift to man:foolsball.
And as a final note i do like manly sports.I have been practiceing muay thai for years(kickboxing)and had several broken bones and nose.So yea,Foolsball sucks.

Anonymous said...

I read this to my boyfriend who loves football. Haha all he was doing was whining how your either gay or from a foreign country. That is why you hate football. I love it! I hate football. And I'm stuck watching the crap every year. Thank you, put a smile on my face to see my boyfriend upset about his precious football!

Anonymous said...

I'm with you.
Football by itself is just a sport that can be enjoyable if you don't up and decide to act like a fucktard making it the sole defining reason for your miserable life.
Jocks bite the bag and just because they get paid ridiculous amounts of money to fulfill some jerks fantasy it doesn't make them heroes.They are basically thugs who were given degrees because they made their "school" look good.
Rah rah motherfuckers... school's out.Get a life! Just listen to the commentators. They are as close as you can get to morons without being in the government.
I don't get it but if it makes your dimwit asses happy have at it, just keep it out of my face just like your fucking religious beliefs.

Anonymous said...

The difference between football fans and my dog is that when I hold a ball in front of my dog and move it back and fourth, he eventually gets bored after a minute or so. He doesn't shout "go! go! go!" at the ball or get angry or happy when it goes in one direction or the other. He just uses common sense and finds something more exciting to do... like sleeping.

Anonymous said...

this whole section is about as popular and stupid as football is. your all wasting your time. go outside. i need to do that to.

Anonymous said...

Fantasy football sucks balls too. The idiots that are into this talk about it all fucking year. They strategize about their "picks" like their assembling the fucking A-Team. Get a life, and stop wondering why your wife is fucking everyone but you.

Anonymous said...

LOL, this is all complete truth. I haven't watched a football game from start to finish since last year and I did it online. But I still hate the NFL. The teams you root for never win and when they do, the always find some way to lose embarrasingly the next week. I GIVE UP ON FOOTBALL FOREVER

Anonymous said...

I am a "foreigner", so there is agrain of truth in saying that only foreigners hate football. I don't really hate it, I am just not interested much in any team sports where a ball is involved, including soccer. I see their merits, but I find them boring. Oh, and I am not gay either, sorry.
Football,however, is just unwatchable and I dislike the whole "culture" of football, from the high-school-popular-hot-boy-football-players, commercialization of the game to cheerleading.
The amount of game time vs "standing around" time is ridiculous. It's like watching a premature ejaculation (really, I'm not gay). Oh, all the stamina and speed needed to play the game. Yeah, for a few seconds. Their cheerleaders probably have more skills and stamina. Some mention the strategy.. maybe that's what makes it interesting. I would not know. These guys just look ridiculouts in their helmets, pads and tight pants. In fact, those pants make THEM look more gay than anyone disliking the game. And whoever said that it's "the most popular sport in the world"... right. How close minded. My guess (no time for google now) would be that soccer is somewhat more popular. Also, I bet there are more people playing and watching cricket in India any time than people watching football during the season. Oh, that and whatever team sport they find popular in China. Have a nice day.

Anonymous said...

Thank you--yeah I can't stand it whatsoever--huge guys running around in tights, overpaid dumbass jocks. My bf just told me he had to watch the playoffs tomorrow so we couldn't get together until late --because I'm not about to sit around eat and yell at the American gladiators.

Anonymous said...

I thank you immensely for showing me that I am not alone in my hatred of football (I guess i missed this for a few years). I actually was so aggravated about planning something around football that I searched for "football sucks" and found you.
The 7 reasons are so true, but I could add another.

8. The one thing that pisses me off about football more than anything else is that football trumps any other activity. And the worst part is it a knee-jerk reaction. Thanksgiving, (Duh, football), Sunday (Football), Monday night (football), Autumn (Football), you cant plan anything anywhere near these dates. Then, The simpsons and other great shows get canceled on Sunday because of Football (my TV has like 900 channels, put football on its own damn station).
Then, OJ killed people, its OK he played football. Vick tortured dogs, BUT his football is good, so its OK. Try that with your job.

I have actually heard people planning Sunday weddings and there is a real concern that there should be a TV available to watch the game during reception.

Anonymous said...

Thank you! Now I know I am not alone. I'm a musician and football has been getting in the way of gigs for a long time. I used to host an open mic on Monday nights guess why no one showed up? Monday Night Football. Fuck the Bears too! Every time I'm driving into Chicago and there is a home game, I have to sit through 2hrs of traffic.

Anonymous said...

Get in line boys, Whip em out( I can clarify what "em" I mean Ie: your penises)and piss.

Are you all about done yet?

for the little 14 yr old boy with the potty mouth. Be glad your parents don't check you log's. You would of earned yourself a serious ass whooping. Go back to playing wow and trolling in trade chat.

Simple reality is. Who cares?

You like it great! Why you do is irrelevant, but to yourself. No one else. As it should be.

Why you dislike it?! Great also. Why you came to dislike it is also irrelevant to everyone, but yourself. As it should be.

The article was written for entertainment purpose's. It is also obvious the Author could give a rat's ass what any of us think of his/her view point on the subject. Again , I will stress.....As it should be.

Do you all feel better now or do you need to joust some more?

Anonymous said...

biased and wrong. nothing new about this blog.

Thornas said...

First off, I would like to say that this blog is complete win. Second, yes, football is the overly-egotistic excrement byproduct of a bunch of brick-brain retards who can't grasp the concept of "Treat others as you wish to be treated." I wasn't ever really bullied, but I would have shot up the place if another jockshit ran into me whilst laughing at basic words in the English language with his friends. Like, fucking really, watch where you're going, because you don't own the place, flapdick. Now, I wasn't nor am I currently, trying to go into a profanity-laden rant about the social-poo that is grid iron, but there are dozens of other sports that are equally demanding in the physical aspect, but require an IQ of more than a speak-and-spell without batteries. So, have fun sticking your hands in other men's crotches, "Heroes" of the Unites States, and thank you for infecting our society with the herpes deemed 'Football', by some slackass who couldn't come up with a relevant name for it. I'm glad our tax dollars are spent on prolonging the safety of these useless ballchins instead of feeding the poor and sheltering the homeless. Go U.S.A. And one more thing, the guy who said something about it being cheap entertainment, invest in a guitar. Or a pencil and some paper. Your imagination. Or hell, a hooker for all I fucking care. It's not like we'll die without a T.V, watching people trip over painted grass. What about the people who paint that grass? Or make the AstroTurf? You don't see them getting awards.

Krowness said...

To the Anonymous Coward:

........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
..........''...\.......... _.·´

Get a backbone.

grant said...

SOCCER is so gay look up it actually states true reasons unlike these gay ass statements.

Krowness said...


Did I ever say I enjoy something as boring and drawn out as soccer? No? Then kindly shut the fuck up. Your constant use of the word "gay" makes me wonder if you are having issues with your own sexuality, or you are just a bigoted cunt. My bet is on the latter.

Anonymous said...

I arrived here after googling "football sucks." lol

I'm feeling this and totally agree with your sentiment.

Chelsey said...

I could easily think of thousands of things I’d rather experience than watch a football game.

Rook King said...
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Rook King said...
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Rook King said...

I think football sucks too. It infests the U.S., where I live, and people never shut up about it. My roommates always want to watch it, and it is almost taboo to not like it here. I love your page. I do want to point out, though, that the foot is used for making contact with the ball for more than just field goals. There are also extra points (single points scored after a touchdown... In the NFL, they are never ever missed, so I don't know what the point is.) and punts (kicking the ball on a fourth down, or final offense play, so the opposing team has farther to go than they probably would if the ball were run). I agree with everything else you said. Football absolutely does suck. It's meat head gladiator ridiculousness.

Rook King said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jayjaybones said...

I am from the UK and I have to agree the whole idea of American Football is a stupid arse joke. In my country we play a real mans sport called rugby and we do it without getting geared up in stupid armor that is what a I call real sports. For a country that prides itself on so much it really fails let us not forget the laughable status world series- guys it is just your country that follows that shite so stop claiming to be the world. Now let me also say to those jocks throwing masculine bullshit out there that I play sports but i think they are STUPID, STUPID, STUPID. I write and film and do real things with my life have a lovely house and a lovely wife what are you guys doing oh yeah nothing. Grow up and become cultured.

Kevin Krostosky said...

Too bad that there is such a thing as football. Super super hype about nothing at all. It's the most un-sporting waste of attention ever invented.