Thursday, September 27, 2007

7 Reasons Why Football Sucks!

Winter is a season of evil. There’s snow, cold, caroling, happiness, screaming little shits going after every toy they see with a passion that I had once thought only existed in drug addicts and of course the fact that “Christmas” is just a blatant rip-off of traditional Viking Yule.

But one thing, above all else, is pure evil. This evil rears its vile, ugly head every year starting in the last days of summer and lasts until a month before spring. This malevolence is called…“professional football”.

I could easily think of thousands of things I’d rather experience than watch a football game. But instead, I decided to highlight the suckiest things about this sport, and all that come with it, and why a kick to the crotch is more fun.

7. Overly frequent commercials
I don’t know what it is about this sport that every single play has to be followed by a stream of annoying commercials that seem to question my intelligence. Being a Viking, I don’t need Enzyte. McDonalds is vomit marketed as “food”. Geico doesn’t even have the decency to stick to one mascot. (I feel really safe in the hands of people like that!)

It gets more annoying when the game continues and most of the “action” is lost due to commercial time, then the ball gets dropped and it’s back to the friggin’ ads! To add to the advertising, the stadiums usually have ads around the field, the announcers make sales pitches, and they have animated ads that flash at the bottom of the screen for various insurance companies. Hell, why not go one step further and make the players wear billboards! That’d convince me to buy some lame ass product! Then we can show more commercials in between the main ad! Just like NASCAR!

6. It’s not even football
Go to any other country in the world and “football” is what we call “soccer”. Way to go America! You just proved that you’re a dumbass! In fact, the foot is hardly even used in the fucking game, only for field goals. There’s nothing “foot” about it in the end. Why not call it by what it’s based on, rugby. Only most Americans are too wimpy to get hurt to play it the right way so they sissy-fied it into what we are tortured with every year. Yes, I said this. Yes, this makes me an asshole. Yes, I'm proud of that.

5. Dumbass jocks living it up easy
Jocks get treated like gods. Not just in high school where they can skip class to go smash their heads into each other over a stupid slab of rubber filled with air, but also in the real world, where they get paid millions to do the same damn shit. Most of them probably don’t even know how much a million is, for it’s common knowledge that jocks lack basic math skills (and most other skills as well).

Now before anyone says “what do you have agaisnt [
sic] jocks LOL!!!1one! Your [sic] probly [sic] some stupid musisian [sic] who got bllied [sic] by da cool kidz [sic] for bing [sic] a dork.”

To make things clear, I have nothing against them. After all, who else could I trust to pump my gas, or move my piano, or get my meal ready at a casual restaurant in the fastest, cheapest way possible?

4. Notre Dame
Who cares? It’s only a college game. Big fat whoop-dee-damn-do! Why don’t you go to your local college and support them (if you have one)? It may just be the only way your dumbass kid, who didn’t even know his own name when he entered kindergarten, will get somewhere in life. Be the coach’s bitch; get your kid to college!

3. Shitty food
Potato chips can kick ass. The best flavors are the regular salt and grease, sour cream and onion and the new salt and pepper variety. Barbeque is okay, but not important enough to be listed in the top three. But once football season starts, these good flavors of junk food get shadowed by ghastly versions of shit food.

Anyone who rushes out for a big econo bag of salt and vinegar chips needs to have their ass ripped off and glued to their head. Then there’s the pizza flavor, so spicy your ass will bleed flavor, Limon (lime flavor, gag), pickle. Pickle? Pickle! What the hell? And this is just from Lays (with the exception of pizza, that’s made by Pringles) who are also promoting football on their website!

Then there are the nachos, salsa, and a whole host of southwestern snacks. Since when did American culture become Mexican? What is the fascination with this shit? I love spicy food, but it has to be
food in order for me to eat it! Dried and salted mini-burritos in a bag are not food!

Now these are available all year round, but they seem to be more prominent (and advertised) once football season starts.

2. The Super Bowl
The Super Bowl can be considered good only because it is the last game of the season and we don’t have to put up with football anymore! What pisses me off about it though is that it is considered an unofficial holiday in the United States. Have we really gone that low? Some people forget when Veterans Day is (or don’t even know that it commemorates the end of World War I), but of course they’d remember what day this year’s Super Bowl is on!

Then there are the millions of dollars for more commercials to make the funniest one. Too bad they all usually suck ass. Better yet, why not make
ALL commercials funny, that way advertising agencies won’t piss so many people off every time their half-tard annoying shit is aired.

1. Overreaction of Players
This infuriates me more than anything else about this stupid sport. Score a touchdown; do a dance that even the most flamboyant male ballet star will look at with awe while saying, “God that is so gay.”

Throw this in with endless ass slaps, chest butts, occasional hugging and you have a sport that makes prancing around a maypole look like Street Fighter. I swear; the only reason that these athletes have to wear mouth guards is to keep them from making out with each other on the field.

Then to add to all this, there are bigots out there who you will find raving about football and its “manliness” and then aggressively criticize anything a gay person has done. I’d love to know where they buy their mirror polish.

And there you have it. Seven reasons why football sucks and will continue to suck until everyone realizes it and the game is never played again.

UPDATE 8-12-09:
Check out all the hate mail this article has been accumulating over the past three months:

Before you write any whiny, bullshit hate mail, why not realize that this is a humor website. I know perfectly well I'm not going into details about the game of football for sucky things, it's very hard to write an article where the answer is everything. So I found the seven areas of the sport and the "culture" that comes with it that weren't the most obvious, apart from the final point.

So before you dumbass jocks write an idiotic comment that does nothing more but prove your stupidity, look up the definition of satire. The time you spent writing me literary diarrhea could have been better spent painting your protruding beer belly with the colors of your favorite team.

UPDATE: 1-13-12
Krowness has moved to a new website. This article and all your favorites are now available in the new format. More to come, including 20 More Reasons Why Football Sucks!

See your favorite 7 Reasons Why Football Sucks article on the new face melting site.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Two Things That Can Make a Fitchburg State Class Better:

Really, the only thing that I see the students learning is how to keg stand without hurting their back. I’m stuck in the English major. I hate English. Reading boring stories that didn’t get any better since high school and analyzing them is not the way to become a journalist. More than one journalism class has to be offered too. What kind of reporters can succeed if they only were able to take one course in something they do for a living?

I want to rock.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Introductions and Vikings!

To begin; I hate blogs. I see these things and am forced to read long, drawn out sentences with unprofessional grammar, phrasing, spelling errors, stories about what people ate for lunch or a nap they took this afternoon, political stances (who cares), favorite foods, crappy music, bad dates (and or reasons they can't get dates. Here's a hint, you're a blogger), "hot" media topics, fascist religious views that get forced down everyone's throat, and a hoard of other mindless dribble about one's meaningless life that nobody should ever read. This is why it pains me greatly when I end up doing so by clicking on a deceiving link.

I agree with Maddox full heartedly when it comes to these things. I am only doing it for a school assignment (a web writing course) but I may keep it as a site for my rants, satire and articles until I can get a REAL website.

I’m a Viking. Vikings don’t like “blogs”. We like pillaging, fighting, drinking ale and having many women. We don’t like the Internet. It’s too big a distraction from plunder, and plunder kicks ass.

What if one of us was stupid enough to post a blog that detailed our battle plan for the next raid? Then we’re all screwed aren’t we? Then we have to take that up with Odin, and we all know how much he hates failure. Last guy who failed before Odin got his ass kicked so far into the future that Ragnarok had already occurred and he was left in a limbo of nothingness until another Big Bang made another universe. Sucks to be that asshole.

Hail Odin.