Wednesday, December 26, 2007

The March of War!

Viking forces arrived two weeks ago in the nation of Pancakes to begin support against the evil Waffles. Viking fighters successfully attacked a port on the northern shores of French Toast, sinking two battleships and three submarines without taking casualties.

Meanwhile, Pancake forces continue to launch long range bombings onto the Waffle capital as Egg forces attempt to hold off the Waffles that began invading their nation in an attempt to expand their campaign east.

Pancake armour engaging Eggo Tanks.

Viking ships arrived and bombarded islands in the Tabasco Ocean last week in order to establish a command post in which to launch air strikes against the Burritos. After three days of hard fighting, we pushed our devilish enemies off the islands and set up an air base with a direct link to our starships so that orbital strikes may begin once more satellites are put into place.

Odin has announced an ultimatum to the Burritos to surrender or risk losing all of their land and people to nuclear firestorms. Nothing was heard back, but because we have a strong hatred for those disgusting breakfast rolls, it is expected that they will be nuked anyway.

This has been the march of war!

Drink Moxie.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Here Comes 2008!

You know what day it is? That’s right, it’s Christmas Day! That means only a week until the New Year. So rather than suck on all the shit that was 2007 like so many comedians and news casters already have until it was nothing more than a dried out dick resembling shed snake skin, I’m gonna tell you what we all can expect in 2008! The future is here but are YOU ready? Let’s see!

In 2008…

Sometime in March for a full twenty-four hours, the sky will be pink and will rain beer!

The Pope will piss off another religious denomination!

High definition TVs will sprout legs and march against humanity!

Santa Clause will be shot down over the Pacific Ocean by a group of radical Japanese militants who think World War Two is still going on!

President Bush will be forced out of the White House shortly after a rebellion in November!

The Evil Liberal Demon-crats will force True Christian™ girls to play with “Abort My Baby Barbies” or risk going to Atheists Communists Lunatics United (ACLU) jail!

Something bad will happen to somebody somewhere!

Atlantis will be discovered and will be inhabited entirely by people who all look like Will Ferrell but only two feet tall and hundreds of times more annoying and less funny!

FOX will premier a reality show called “American Nazi” that tries to find the most bigoted person in the nation through a singing competition!

The Pope’s hat will be replaced with a propane tank called “Popane”!


Something good will happen to somebody somewhere!

Fish will sprout legs and march against humanity!

Stephen King will write another dry book with a twisted plot showcasing his insanity and unimaginative monsters but will still make millions off of it!

Movies that were shitty to begin with will be remade this summer and be even shittier, but will make far more than their predecessors while the critics drool over them!

“Buffer Briefs” will be made so that men can masturbate in public through a vibrating chip so they don’t have to push themselves to the limit and hold it in!

Sanjaya will launch a successful solo career that makes him bigger than Elvis!

Cell phones will be even smaller and have even more stupid/useless features!

“Gangsta” pants will hang even lower past the ass giving rise to a series of fashions that showcase plumber’s crack!

Country music will be mandatory to listen to resulting in the mass suicide of everyone who likes real music!

Britney Spears will give birth to more babies than any human ever!

TV shows will continue to get worse until the government steps in and lobotomizes every citizen to make them laugh at just about anything! Highest rated show? Film about a monkey going about its life!

Krowness will get new hats with the money he made by stealing your car and chopping it for parts while you read his website like a dink!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Myspace Blows!

Of all the stupid websites in existence, nothing beats Myspace. There’s a huge population of sexual predators, violent old men posing as teenage boys and millions of hackers breaking into accounts just so they can post messages for ringtones and Macy’s discount cards. I could ramble on all day about this shit but chances are you see it in the news (especially FAUX news) on a nearly daily basis. So there is no point to restate the obvious here. One of the biggest problems with Myspace is the advertising. If the hackers and spam bots aren’t advertising for you against your will, the login screen is covered in shit:

I’m from Baltimore, KISS ME GOD DAMN IT!

And then there are more ads once you pass the trial of the login screen, some of which are just as stupid:


What the hell? Why should I cut the mullet of this inbred hick whose gender I cannot distinguish? And why is participation required if it’s only of a damn ringtone?! Is the life of a foreign policy maker hanging in the balance if I refuse? Will Skeletor defeat He-Man? We don’t know! I emailed the company that sponsored this ad twice about why they require it to be played but of course they never responded.

Then we have Tom, the personality who created this website. Despite all the media attention it gets and for being number one on PC World’s
25 Worst Websites he seems to be completely oblivious to all the trouble he’s caused over the years (once again, I’m not going to go into it here). To top it all off, he’s number one on my list of Ugliest People Alive.

Don’t try to deny it; you’re hot already aren’t you?


AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Not only does he have the nerve to automatically be your friend upon signing up, but he also has that ghastly smile that Maddox expertly termed the “pedo-smile”. No wonder this site is the electronic equivalent to an unsupervised water park.

Next time you have the urge to go and sign up for Myspace, remember to tie a noose for yourself first and then proceed to play “What We Do to War Criminals”. If you have a problem with how I hate Myspace and want to complain, be sure to also note if you’re a fan of NASCAR, Motocross, or train spotting so I know to delete it without missing anything.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Recommended Reading for Poets!

Well, it’s finally happened. I received my first piece of hate mail! One of my college friends emailed my article on Famous Poets right to the company. Apparently they thought it was me, since they are clearly idiots who think that only one person feels this way about them. So, rather than reply to the sender, they contacted me:

Date: Tues. Dec 17, 2007 at 7:17 pm ESTFrom: free@famouspoets.com
Subject: Famous Poets Entry

Why do you write about a site you wrote? You sent many emails advertising your mistake laden posting already. Had you asked for a couple of new books from the beginning because they were not well made we would have sent them (and they would have been perfect). There were obviously some messed up ones that got sent, a legit mistake and easily fixable. Instead you sent numerous complaints under numerous false identities and never once said what the issue was. All you did was make bizarre statements. Even now you attempt to hide your identity but we know who you are so you can cut the impersonations.

This issue is over. Since you wanted to resort to your bizarre methods of whatever you want to call it rather than just ask for a couple of new books we'll leave it as you set it up; with, after this last reply, a continuation of ignoring your emails.

Thanks,
Famous Poets
Where happiness is being published!

http://www.famouspoets.com

Wahh! Wahh! Listen to the baby cry while it shits its diaper. Work on your fucking grammar too so you don't sound like an inbred dolt (though we all know you are). And what bizarre statements did I make? Telling the truth? Or was it threatening to file a lawsuit against you, which, after this harassing email, I am strongly considering again?

You claim that I resorted to "bizarre methods of whatever you want to call it" (what, you don't know what to call posting on a website?) rather than requesting a new book. No I did not request a new book. I requested a fucking refund. I had to tell you that dozens of times. I don't want a shitty book, I want my money back for the sole reason that it was stolen! That request was never answered though, since they only dish out new books (free or not, I'm not sure) and won't give back your money.

And what do you mean by "cut the impersonations"? Who am I impersonating? This is me! It's not like I'm posing as another person!

Now, if my website is “mistake laden” then why the hell are you not using this valuable email to tell everyone WHY it’s wrong? Why are you completely failing to defend yourself? Is it because you can’t, because there is too much evidence available online and in print that says otherwise? Here’s a list of sources that show just how mistake laden Famous Poets is:

And this is just a fraction of what you find online. I guess they're all "mistake laden" then. After all, apart from my own experience with Famous Retards, I used many of the sites listed above to discover the truth about this scam.

So, I did a little look online and found the perfect book for anyone who works at Famous Poets, and it’s just in time for the holiday season too!

Not only does it look like a topic they need to read up on, but also at a level they can handle without becoming frustrated and throw the book at the wall in a wild temper tantrum.

I can't help what my readers send you. After all they are human and have rights to their own opinions, but then again, to you they're just money. I don't send you people shit, but you certainly send me enough to fill a bucket.

Just for the record, my English professors applauded my research and article on your scam, DESPITE the vulgarity of it. Hell, why not go after them now too Mark Schramm or Lavender Aurora, or should I call you John Campbell since that is your true identity and all these other people are just imaginary friends, false identities (so how dare you accuse me of that, you obviously never heard of an Internet personality like Maddox I take it, or the fact that I need two accounts for email and instant messaging, the latter which has been changed countless times due to a glitch that blocks friends randomly while talking online), or just regular old multiple personality disorder.

Take your meds and join us in reality sometime, huh?

Now, why don't you leave ME alone, Famous Poets? I have nothing to say to you but this: you are a scam, there is enough proof. Get over it! If you disagree then why don't you go to some of those sites I listed and tell them as well. I'm sure they're all ears.


And by the way:

Fuck off.

Friday, December 14, 2007

I Hate Dumbass People!

Yesterday we had a large snowstorm here in New England. While driving home from classes I saw some of the dumbest people in the world, but the one I am going to talk about was only two blocks away from my house.

I came up to a stop sign at a four way intersection. To the right of me is a hill. Coming down this hill was the most retarded man on earth. At this point the roads were becoming slick to walk, but still okay to drive on. So what is this dumbass doing? He’s riding a god damned bicycle, at least forty miles an hour, down the hill. He ran through the stop sign and the momentum was so great that his bike slid right out from under him and his ass was scraped open by the pavement.

Honest to Odin, I have never laughed as hard as I did. I did not go out and help him. He did not deserve it. Not one bit. The only help he could have used was that of a plow running him over. A few times at that.

Anyway, he got up, his pants ripped and a little bloody and rode away with a look on his face that I can only describe as “dumb dee dumb deedle dee!”



Honestly, it was that stupid looking. And god ugly at that too. But of course I have a bias, as the only man in the universe that I can possibly consider handsome, after hours of thought, is a Viking named Krowness.

Well, I guess the point I’m trying to get to is this; we frigging need an asteroid to hit this planet and wipe out all the stupid people. Everyone who’s worth saving will have figured out how to live in space and or Mars. This would be a world with no wars over politics and religion. And of course no fundies who create an abomination to science and their god in the form of a “creation museum”.

If I ruled the universe, I’d make it mandatory that everyone with an IQ below 90 would have to live on a special reservation on some desolate planet at the edge of a galaxy where they can’t do any damage. This of course would not apply to those who cannot help their situation such as being mentally challenged. They are welcome to stay with us. But if you are just a regular asshole, dumb shit, fundie etc. then it’s off the reservation with you.

Sooner or later they’d end up blowing it up, or the planet would just say fuck it and nuke itself. Then we’d just find another farm to put the stupids.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

New Greeting Card Available!

Simply copy and paste it into an email and send it to your friends because this site won't let me put in a form to email it directly!

Another Famous Poets Update!

In September I wrote a really shitty poem and entered it to Friendly Poets, another section of Famous Poets. The poem, The Viking Wrath, had purposely made spelling and grammar errors but was still accepted. Here is that poem, the purposely included errors are in red:

I'm tough, that's right
I'm very tough, that's right.
I conqoured a town today,
Vikings raid, and cities burn.
Tehy took our children

our money and life.
We fight and will ride
for Odin's sake to reaclaim
our stolen pride.
Riding while we're lsot,

until we die,
Viking ghosts.

Then the other day, much to my amusement, I got a letter from Lavender Aurora about how good it was blah, blah, blah. So here is a scan of said letter, both sides. It is embedded through Image Shack so that it will fit here and is capable of being enlarged when clicked for easier reading. Note that my personal info (last name, address, etc.) has been removed.

Side One!
Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

Side Two!
Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

Click to enlarge! For better quality, click the loaded image for a closer zoom!

Friday, December 7, 2007

Valhalla Bombed!

Today at 7:30 A.M., a day that will live in infamy, Valhalla was bombed brutally and without mercy by the Burrito forces who have been aligned with the Waffles since the start of the Waffle War. Odin was quoted with “Now, it’s my problem.”

A wave of Extra Fiery Fighters were seen heading into the main ports of the city and it was thought that it was only a drill exercise for the Viking air navy stationed there. The enemy fighters began dropping proton bombs and torpedoes onto the starships. Seven battleships were destroyed. The attack seemed to have been focused on crippling the carriers. The carriers, however, were running exercises in orbit with heavy bombers and survived. Fifty four out of the sixty stationed Viking starfighters were destroyed in the attack. The survivors took to the air and shot down a dozen enemy fighters before they retreated.

Close to five hundred Viking men and women are dead and an estimated one-hundred-fifty are missing out of the two thousand stationed at the large Valhalla Port. The bombings also killed seventy civilians in the surrounding city and the fires are still raging over the harbor and spreading into the city. The body count is expected to rise.

Odin has responded to this act by declaring a state of war with the National Socialist Waffle Workers Party and Burritos. Viking troops will be dispatched to aid the Pancakes on the Breakfastdom front while troops will be sent into the Tabasco Ocean to begin retaliatory strikes against the Burritos. More on this story as it develops.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

No, You Can’t Have My Identity!

I am fucking sick and tired of getting spam emails everyday saying that I’ve won forty trillion dollars or am the heir to the Russian throne etc. We all know it’s a scam. And we all know how I feel about scams.

Today (Dec. 6, 2007) I received two in a matter of hours that wanted me to fill out a form and email it back to them. I’ve taken the liberty to post them here, the scammers' email address included. Just remember to check out their names. If that doesn’t give them away then get offline and burn your computer because you’re too stupid for the Internet.

This is email one:

We wish to inform you of the yearly Bmw Automobile promotion programme that your e-mail address has won an award sum of a total cash prize of £450,000.00 (Four Hundred And Fifty Thousand Pounds) shared among the first six (7)* lucky winners in this category. Do contact your Fiduciary Agent via email for remittance


***************************************
Mr Mark Smile
Email:bmwclaimsagent_06@yahoo.co.uk
Phone:+447045758862

***************************************
Below is the claims and verifications form.You are expected to fill and return it immediately so we can start Processing your claims:1. Full Names:2. Residential Address:3. Direct Phone No:4. Fax Number:5. Email address:6. Sex:7. Age:Nationality:9. Occupation:We wish you the best of luck as you spend your good fortune.Thank you for being part of our commemorative yearly Draws.Sincerely,
Mr Rally Pole
Public Affairs Officer

*[Emphasis added]

I love he mentions the first six winners and then put a seven in the parenthesis. Also, he proves how much of an assclown he is by emailing this in America, where pounds are almost as useless as our own dollar. Come on, Mark Smile? And what is it with con artists and Marks? Mark Schramm of Famous Poets, Mark Smile of “BMW Automobile” (not). Why not create new, obviously fake names like Japhinydoo Afoo?

Fundies Say the Darndest Things!

This is email two, with “Dear Beloved” as the subject:

I am Mrs.Rita Gilbert, the wife of Mr.Sam Gilbert, my husband worked with the Chevron-Texaco in Russia for twenty years before he died in the year Two Thousand & Four,We were married for ten years.My Husband died after a brief illness.When my late husband was alive he deposited the of Seven Million Five Hundred Pounds with a Bank in Europe.This money is still with the Bank & account has been DORMANT and if I, as the beneficiary of the funds, do not re-activate the account; the funds will be CONFISCATED or I rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf, note that you need to activate this Account .Presently,I'm in the hospital in Russia undergoing treatment for esophageal cancer.Please if you are interested in helping me out do contact my private email below:

ritagilbert_24@yahoo.com.hk

Come on. This email comes with this message in it twice, stacked on top of each other. Your spam bot also needs to learn how to punctuate correctly so it’s not so obvious. I mean, you almost fooled me! I was just a few seconds away from sending you all my money! Then I realized that I’m not a fucking idiot and emailed back with this:

You are a non-existent cunt who just wants to steal my identity and money. Learn something from your "husband" and go die.

I know that it’s a fact that almost every human being in existence now is a complete dumbass. You worship singers on a game show that highlights karaoke. That reminds me of how much I hate karaoke. What is so fun about going up in front of strangers and ruining great songs? You can’t sing. Nobody likes you. You fantasize about sex with super models while you live with your parents and play World of Warcraft more than I breathe in a single day.

In conclusion, stop emailing your retarded scams and eat me:

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Buying from iTunes? Watch Out for Bullshit!


I hate Apple. Everyday they force images of the incredibly lame iPhone down my throat and try to make me look like a dink for not having one. I already have an iPod, but it’s not anything like they make it out to be (for one I didn’t become a god like they made it seem I would, but more on this later) and the sight of those fucking dancing silhouettes makes me want to cut my head off and mail it to the president of this ass sucking company.


My trouble with Apple started a few months ago when I made a purchase on iTunes with my Visa debit card (which is also a piece of shit, but that’s another story). I happened to buy a collection of Claude Debussy piano works to enjoy and all was well. A few weeks later, iTunes is telling me that I have an outstanding charge since they did not get authorization from my debit card.

Thinking that maybe the card was low on money and that was the reason I put more on it and paid back. That’s when I saw that they charged me three fucking times for the album I bought only once! This error on their part is what my “outstanding charge” (which was only 11 cents in debt) was the result of. Now, I had some trouble with them in the summer when they did the same thing and charged me twice for an album I purchased once. They gave me a $17 credit and apologized. The credit they owed me never once showed up in my account. If it had, they wouldn’t be trying to suck my cock for some fickle pennies.

So after I paid off the debt I owed from their own dipshit error I get notified that I have another debt of 99 cents. These pricks are charging me for something I never bought and they don’t even have the receipt to tell me what it is they charged me for! I emailed them and they said that their bank shows that I bought a song on Nov. 11 of 2007 and that is the problem. Well it’s too fucking bad that Visa says otherwise. I had my debit card cancelled prior to the date this “purchase” was made (for dozens of stupid hidden fees that I will do another article on) so how the fuck could I owe you retards shit?

I emailed them and they said I could buy an iTunes gift card for the minimum amount of money and use it to redeem my account and pay off the mystery debt. I go and do that. I put the gift card number into the part of the website were I redeem it and it’s invalid. I emailed them back and gave them my number and then they have the fucking nerve to say it’s invalid because I didn’t buy it and therefore it’s illegitimate. What the fuck? I have the fucking receipt!


So now what I’m going to do is write them a letter and mail them the fucking money, entirely in pennies, and tell them just what I think about their service. They have no use for customers. They screw users out of money and cannot prove what purchases were made when or how. They claimed to give store credit but did absolute dick.

My letter will be the following (my personal information is omitted):

You have repeatedly told me that I have an outstanding fee of 99 cents and no matter what I do to resolve the problem it never clears up. Your employees have not been of any help and the gift cards I purchase to fix this problem are all rejected. Here is your 99 cents, nice and easy to count (so you can have some fun). Please pay off this “outstanding charge” and you will never have to worry about me buying from your store again. Thank you.

I will never buy another item from iTunes again and neither should you. These people are on a level of mouth breathing and uselessness that rivals Famous Poets. In fact, iPods suck. I hate them. Mine always crashes, freezes and needs to be reset just because it won’t turn the fuck off. It’s not even real. “iPod” is just a fuck faced word made up by the chimps at Apple while they came (as in cum) to the idea of a portable hard drive that plays audio files.

I never cared much for Apple but their iPod family is like the retarded cousin you pretend you don’t have until the hellish reunion every Fourth of July comes up. Then your grandfather makes you clean and prepare the grill and cook all the food for a bunch of people you see only once a year or have never until that day while he jumps into the pool with his colostomy bag about to burst. Yeah good times.

Apple: you are nothing and you have nothing. If it weren’t for your stupid iPod you’d have gone the way of Atari after the launch of E.T. or the home version of Pacman. You will never have anything either until you stop being such a crusty old prick.

I want everyone who reads this to email a complaint to Apple and tell them how you feel. They'll learn the hard way that it's better to lose a few cents then to lose their customers. I thank Maddox for writing his article on Orbitz because without that, I'd be at a loss with what to do with Fuck Tunes.

UPDATE:
As of Dec. 2, 2007 this issue has been resolved only because I was able to get the gift card to work and pay off my debt. No songs were purchased yet somehow they found that I owed them 99 cents. I had to carefully check to make sure that invisible and or imaginary songs did not count as purchases in their terms of service and they do not. But I still had to pay them some fucking fee because of an error they made and will not admit. I will still boycott iTunes and I want everyone else to as well.

The fact that I had to solve the problem out of my own wallet and that it happened at all is more than enough reason to never use their service again.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Krowness Poetry!

13 Ways to Look at an Onion
  1. A sphere of stink to piss off
    Girls when stuffed in their locker for
    A few months.


  2. A device for bizarre sexual fetishes.

  3. A poor man’s baseball that
    Splatters over his grimy hillbilly face.


  4. The subject of the kid’s novel, Onion John.
    What you never heard of it?
    Bet you know all about Star Trek though, huh?
    Go die.


  5. Stinky? Sure but hey,
    It’s better than hooker breath!


  6. Alternative fuel source?
    Hell yeah, screw corn,
    Corn sucks!


  7. The monster in Stephen King’s
    New novel to make up for writing
    About evil trucks and possessed
    Laundry presses
    .


  8. Cry onion tears for me
    Coz daddy didn’t love me
    Enough and now I’m
    A deranged madman living with
    Thousands of cats with a
    Debilitating fear of monkeys
    Raping me.


  9. The next Thomas Kinkade painting.

  10. My onion scented ex-girlfriend
    With a receded hairline so bad
    That horses stop and laugh at her.


  11. Monkey rape!

  12. Brush your teeth you stinky
    Son of a bitch and stop eating
    Those damn onions, you’re
    So full of them that you’re sweating
    Pure onion juice. Freak.


  13. Awesome burger topping!
    Ah, a monkey!

Growing Up

I remember a show called the Noozles.
The Noozles.
A girl would rub a stuffed koala’s nose
And he’d come to life and they’d go and
Adventures with his magic sister.
High Dingy Doo.
Koala-Wala Land. My grandmother
Hated it. So did I.
I remember my childhood, but
Mostly just the awful T.V. shows.
Why the hell couldn’t my generation
Have He-Man and Thundercats?
Our action cartoons were watered down
Comic books. Except Reboot. That show
Kicked ass.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Merry Xmas Heathens!

While driving home from class today, I saw a sign on a fundie Baptist church in my hometown that said “Merry Christmas is Spiritually Correct”. I just couldn’t pass up another opportunity to not only show how incorrect that is but also to showcase another fundamentalist nut job in the process.

Christmas is
not a Christian holiday. It never was. It never had anything to do with Christ. The holiday that became fused with the idea of Jesus was celebrated for over four thousand years and did not become “Christmas” until at least three hundred years after Jesus supposedly died, if he even existed at all.

The entire holiday is a montage of Roman and Norse winter solstice celebrations, from garland to decorating trees to gift giving and feasting. Other traditions, such as mistletoe, come from the practices of the Druids. In fact, the whole use of the date Dec. 25 is stolen from Mithraism (a popular religion in the Greco-Roman area almost identical to Christianity but with Mithra instead of Jesus). All of these facts can be found online, so I’m not going to parrot them back and turn this into an essay.

Instead I’m going to say this; the “War on Christmas” that so many silly fundies are ranting about only exists (as much as a modern myth can at least) because of their bitching. What is it with these kinds of Xians that they have to gripe about every fiddler’s fart? Oh noes, it’s the gay; and they have equal rights; they’ll kill us, run! We can’t protest soldiers’ funerals and make hostile remarks at the mourning families, it’s persecution I tells ya! We can’t even bomb abortion clinics in the name of God anymore! Ah!

Now, I know that about 95% of Christians are not like this and it’s only a very small minority, but the fact is that this minority has a very big and very annoying voice. When I was a kid, I went to a particularly strict Protestant church and we were told to remove Christmas from public so that it wouldn’t offend our non-Christian brothers and sisters. (However, they are now saying the complete reverse with a new fundie minister who just started). Then I found out I was baptized Catholic and went to Mass. There was no hullabaloo about “Christmas being attacked!” in fact; such stories were never mentioned at all.

I converted to Paganism of a Druid/Asatru mix after I realized that never really believed what I was told in church and have felt much better ever since. I don’t care if you come up to me and say “Merry Christmas” though. I’m not going to pull out my battle axe and cleave your head in two while shouting “It’s Yule, not Christmas!” and proceed to boycott Target and Wal-Mart for not using the holiday I happen to celebrate, as if they knew.

It doesn’t bother me if it’s called Christmas, Yule, Solstice, Hanukah, or Kwanza. This is why we have “Happy Holidays”, not to “destroy Christmas, rawr” but to make sure that everyone, including fundie Xians, gets counted. Believe me; this is much better than having a cashier ask for your religion first so he or she can issue the proper greeting.

But if they did, you can be sure that the fundies would be shouting how “they’re looking for True Christians™ so they can feed us to the beast! Oh noes! The end is nigh! Let’s go to Rapture Ready and tell them it’s time to send out our ‘Rapture Letter’ before we get sucked into the sky!”

Until next time, have a good holiday shopping season to prove that you love your friends and every member of your extended family and Happy Yulistmasolsticehanukwanza!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving:


I hope all the dead Native Americans that were killed in an act of ethnic cleansing and genocide at the hands of the United States were worth that mother fucking turkey and potatoes. Now choke on it you imperialistic twats.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Bizarre, Unusual, and Downright Insane Sexual Fetishes!

The other day I was watching some good old fashioned hardcore porn with two women performing certain actions with each other for (more than likely) a male audience, but let’s not forget our lesbian community as well. It was all good natured, classic and classy stuff. After taming the cobra when the program ended, another one came one entitled Tropical Erotica 14.

After making sure that the title predominately featured women I thought, “Well, this sounds like a nice feature. I think I will boil up some tea, smoke some fresh tobacco and enjoy this naughty little adventure.” When the film began, it all seemed innocently normal. A girl was on the beach, slowly taking off her bikini.



“Oh, this is getting good.” I began to think when suddenly I realized something was wrong. Just as the girl finished stripping she began to erotically eat a pineapple. “Okay, just setting up the scene before another girl gets involved.” I once again thought. Then she proceeded to fuck the pineapple! I had inadvertently discovered a video made for some twisted fetishist community that, up until this point, was just an underground group of ugly, obese wankers living in their mother’s basement and watching reruns of Star Trek (and aforementioned “porn”).

No matter how stupid, ridiculous or retarded a sexual fetish, you are bound to find it sometime, most likely on the Internet. So you know what to look out for when looking for a good porno, I’ve decided to make a list of the most bizarre, unusual and downright insane sexual fetishes. Oh no, we’re not talking about furries, necrophilia, or strange masochism. That is sane and reasonable compared to what I found when I looked up “strange fetishes” on Google. You are about to enter a world that even horrible acid laced nightmares cannot replicate…

Abasiophilia: This is when you are attracted to a specific disability. No, not to the person, but their actual disability. The movie Crash (not the 2004 film about racism) had a plot that predominately featured this when the main characters were aroused by crashing their car and other victims of the same thing with leg braces, casts and the like. If you are turned on by some poor human being’s unfortunate physical condition, then you need to try your skills at underwater breathing.

Robot Fetishism: This is when one is turned on by people who are humanoid robots and or androids. This is better known to the fuckwit community as A.S.F.R. (for alt.sex.fetish.robots.) so if you see that on a video, put it back and wash your hands with lye soap and steel wool immediately to avoid contamination. You might be safe rubbing some in your eyes too. Krillin, of Dragonball Z, is known to be one as he married an android.

Statuephilia: The same god damned thing as jizzing to robots. Only it involves statues or women turning into statues instead of robots.

Transformation Fetish: This is the umbrella term for the above two asinine obsessions. If you get wood when you see a woman transform into an animal, or a robot, or statue or any freakin’ inanimate object, then congratulations, you’re a fucktard. You are best to go and find a girl become a werewolf. You’ll be so busy trying to rub one off that it’ll rip your fucking throat out.

Body Inflation: Now we’re getting into the dark territories. Did you ever fantasize about having a body part of yours (any, doesn’t have to be sexual) inflated like a balloon? Neither have I, but apparently it gets some motors running. If only they could run themselves into a tree.

Furverts: Pick any cartoon character that you find particularly entertaining. Now jack off to it. If you’re enjoying it, then you are a furvert.

Plushies: Imagine getting a nice stuffed teddy bear for your girlfriend. Now imagine that she is getting strangely aroused and wants to fuck it. Well my friend, you have just seen the rare and elusive plushie.

Inflatable Toy Fetish: This is not to be confused with the pathetic antics of men who can only get inflatable girls to date or the just as pathetic balloon fetish. This is when someone gets hard in or around inflatable toys, mostly to be used in pools. Why it burns their pants or what exactly they do with them is a mystery that should remain one for eternity. But next time that lonely guy at the public pool with the skimmer walks by, beware.

Eproctophilia: Ever been in an elevator and someone rips a huge one and it just happens to be the slutty intern? Now do you feel like doing the monster mash with her? Guess what you sick fuck, you are an eproctophiliac.

Car Exhaust Fetish:
Woman: “Oh honey, what’s that smell?”
Man: “It’s only the exhaust system, I think it’s malfunctioning. We should have it checked at the next gas station.”
Woman: “Oh, oh, let’s do it!”

Uh, pass!


To Hell with hybrids!

Coulrophilia: Honk, honk; it’s Basil the Clown! Honk, honk; I creamed my pants!

Yeah, I’d hit that.


Vorarephilia: I was watching a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode with a very bad film called The Creeping Terror. In one scene, a comment was made when the monster was eating many women and if it was a weird little turn on for the film crew. Well, apparently it was. If you enjoy seeing people being eaten, fantasize about eating them, or being eaten yourself, you need serious medications. What is more disturbing about this is the fact that most “vore” media is made with cartoons that mostly feature animals as main characters. Hmm.

Emetophilia: Reading about these disturbing and disgusting behaviors is making me want to puke my brains out. But I don’t dare do that because that might turn you on if you are an emetophile.

Wet & Messy: Known as WAM by the "elite", the only problem I have with listing this here is that if it weren’t for this, we wouldn’t have girl on girl mud wrestling. But when there’s asshats on YouTube jacking off to old Nickelodeon slimings, some of which are of children, you know something awful is happening. Granted, a good old pie to the face or sliming is great for some old school humor, but nothing more.

Katoptronophilia: I don’t know about you, but I would not want to see myself having sex. But apparently some do like to keep a large mirror nearby for when they shake pubes or polish up the one-eyed weasel.


Here I cum!

Omorashi: I’ll admit that Japan can be pretty fucked up at times (but name one nation that isn’t in this day and age), but this is just so retarded that it makes a certain U.S. president look as smart as the chimps he resembles. I don’t know how seeing someone piss their pants is a turn on but Japan seems to have a special liking to it, even making Anime featuring it. You may not see it in the States much, but watch out! It could be here faster than you can say “Pearl Harbor”. We’ve already lost Australia:





Abandon your faith: this proves that there is no God.



Axillism: Sex with the armpit. Not a fetish, but just as batshit crazy. I don’t think further commentary is needed:


I’ve had the misfortune of looking up some of the most peculiar shit in the universe when it comes to sex, but nothing compares to the number one most bizarre, unusual or downright insane fetish:

Dendrophilia: This gives tree hugging a whole new meaning. The fact that there are people out there aroused by fucking trees proves that we should exterminate all hippies (as they are the only ones who could possibly be doing this shit). This has to be one of the most retarded things I have ever heard of. Just what you need, a cock with splinters in it (although I must say that hippies deserve it). I mean, it’s a mother fucking tree!

Well there you have it! A list of some of the most fucked up sexual fetishes known to man. If you happen to have any of the above, please stick your head in a gas oven and put a gun in your mouth.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Happy Veteran's Day You Cheap, Ungrateful Scum!

It’s that time of year again, the day when in 1918 the “guns fell silent on the Western Front” and we honor all of those brave men and women who fought and died in World War I. Oh, what’s that? You didn’t know that’s what Veteran’s Day is about? Figures you stupid shit, what with all the cool merchandise on sale this day how could you remember? You gotta get Guitar Hero 3 and a Nintendo Wii!

There are only a few survivors of the First World War left and it’s pretty much no longer a living memory as it was almost one hundred years ago. It pisses me off every time I see these fucking sales advertised that we have so quickly forgotten the first worldwide conflict in human history (well, technically the 7 Year's War counts due to its scale) and the consequences of it. Will you do the same thing when all those WW2 vets are gone? Probably not, because you like hearing about Nazis and atomic bombs.

I haven’t forgotten the true meaning of Veteran’s Day even though it’s just a part of history and fading from the living memory of humankind. This is an important day that we should honor the end of the bloodiest war ever until the second one started. And the second one only started because Hitler was lucky enough to survive and the restrictions put on Germany by the Allies fueled the anger, rabid nationalism and “Aryan Nation” bullshit that allowed him to easily take control.

Imagine September 11 as a holiday. I’m aware that it is known as Patriot Day (a name which already existed in Massachusetts to honor the day the Revolutionary War started, but Bush seems to have forgotten that so here in MA we have two Patriot Days) but let’s go farther as to make it as a national holiday like Veteran’s Day is and have no school or work.

Now with this, the inevitable sales can start. I for one do not want this to ever appear on my TV or radio:

Collapse into our explosive 9-11 weekend sale! Save 30% or more and no fees for a whole year when you buy a brand new Kia this weekend! Our prices have been hijacked for the lowest rates of the whole year! Come on down!

Yeah, sick isn’t it? Well, you’re pretty much doing the same type of dishonorable thing to World War I and all those who fought in it as well as Memorial Day in May, when you have the countless sales that plague these days where we are supposed to remember the horrors that our own stupid ideals and failure to care about each other caused.

If you go out and buy shit for yourself or others on these days just for sales prices, then kindly go to Hell.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Entering a Poetry Contest? Don’t Land Your Dick in a Bear Trap!

Four years ago, I entered a brutal metal song I wrote into a poetry contest just for shits and giggles. Since my goal at the time was to major in writing in college (I was in high school when I entered it), I thought that having been published would better my chances of work after I finished school. So I found a little website called Famous Poets Society, said “why not?” and entered the song in their free poetry contest. Then the bullshit started.

I got a letter that went along the lines of saying I was a finalist in their contest out of the thousands that entered and one of the prizes for being a finalist was to be published in their annual anthology of poetry.

Oh my fucking God! I’m not only a finalist but I’m going to be published! That should have been a dead giveaway to what was coming. Famous Poets Society is nothing but a bullshit scam along with Poetry.com. I did not know it at the time, so I blindly pissed away over $150 on a poetry anthology with dedication (to Odin of course), biography, picture and a penalty fee for having more than 21 lines. In the original entry I beat the length requirement by extending the length of individual lines, but in the final “published” version, I kept it as I intended and had to pay $1 for every line over 21.

Well, last year I found the truth about Famous Poets and was so fucking angry that if you were to have cut an artery, the force of the blood coming out would be equal to or greater than the speed and force of a bullet coming out of a high powered sniper rifle.

I contacted the Better Business Bureau and never heard back from them. I emailed the website and they only give me some crap about how “it’s not a scam to have to pay for your book”. Well, let’s see. As a finalist, I
won this book according to the letter they sent me. Therefore I would think since I won it, that it would be free. Second, you do not pay to be published if it is a poetry contest, only for entrance (which they did not have) and even if I did pay to be published professionally, shouldn’t I be making some kind of profit?

I looked up the number of publication at a bookstore and they said it’s not legitimate. And they are still telling me they’re not a scam? Well, if that’s true then surely I should be able to buy this book,
Great Poems of the Western World at any bookstore. Oh, wait. You specify on your website that you don't sell to retailers, but you can special order these books.

Okay then, I tried that. Still not possible. There is no record of any such book on the market even in special order, and the number of publication is
not valid in the United States according to Barnes & Noble, Borders, Walden Books or the Library of Congress when I typed in the number on a search page.

They sell a book on Amazon.com but it’s not the one I got. The book I was published in and received (fucking two years later) was
Great Poets of the Western World, not 100 Most Famous Poets (which is on Amazon) and it’s fucking $14.95 list price! I had to fucking pay over one hundred frigging dollars for my half printed, off centered, late arriving piece of shit made out of tissue paper!

Oh that’s right; I forgot to mention all that! The book looks like an amateur paperback glued together in some kid’s basement while he masturbates to
cartoon characters getting eaten. The text is not aligned at all and from page 11 through 100 it is nothing but faded, unreadable text from some moron who forgot to put a new ink cartridge in the printer:

Also, they said that I won a trip to Philadelphia to publicly read my song and receive my award at the Poets Summer Convention and Symposium. Oh wow! What the bloody hell could ever be better than that? I’m jacking off just thinking about it! I wrote a letter to them, stating that since I was in school it would be impossible for me to attend and receive my award. Well, I never got a response until recently when they said their conventions are in Reno.

That’s not what the little brochure they sent me says, and it’s even signed by Lavender Aurora, but wait, what’s that? What the fuck kind of name is that? I can see “Lavender” but the last name is just too strange. Why didn’t it click all those years ago? Because I was a stupid high school student who just wanted to succeed. Anyway, back to the subject.

It’s awfully strange when some of the names of these “poetry editors” sound like commercials. I know for instance, one name I got from Poetry.com when I entered the same song to them around the same time; one’s last name was “Mercedes”. What if I did that? How does Krowness Jaguar sound? Or Krowness Toyota? Oh I know, how about Krowness Natural Phenomenon of Lights in the Northern or Southern Sky Depending on Which Hemisphere You Are On so I can be more like Mrs. Aurora at Famous Poets? Bullshit.

Yet despite all these facts, I am still being told by those who represent Famouspoets.com that it’s valid, they’re not a scam and all that complete and utter bull. Go drink a bucket of diarrhea, assholes.

It should be clear that these people are not only a con out for your money, but also manipulative bastards that give you all these hopes of traveling to a big city for a public reading only to find out it’s not true. Moreover, they are rude and inconsiderate when trying to solve the problem via email or telephone and write/speak like a grade-schooler held back quite a few times. Come on guys, you can do better than that. Try DeVry, just open the door and you can get a basic adult education, it’s that easy.

Also note the lack of a valid business address on their website:

They tell you their town, state, zip code but no address! Apparently, Free Poetry Contest is all you need instead of something like 123 Smith Road when you're such a world renowned institute of poetry. And for some reason, I don’t really buy into the whole idea that a city in Oregon is called Talent. That sounds like a razor hand job to me, but the zip code is valid for such a place. The only thing remotely truthful they offer.

But upon further investigation I had a startling revelation. Their zip code is valid, but Talent, Oregon looks like the background to Napoleon Dynamite as this satellite image from Mapquest.com shows:

From afar and zoomed up to downtown Talent. This is where they publish happiness. And slaughter cows.

If these people are as big a cooperation as they claim they are, why are they not in a major city (let’s ignore the Hollywood variation of their name for now)? Why are they in the middle of a farming community in fucking Nowhere USA? It’s either an old Ma & Pa franchise doing all of the editing and publishing thousands upon thousands of poems, or it’s just bullshit. Guess which.

Then these douche bags have the nerve to say that the Better Business Bureau and RipoffReport.com are the real scams, not them. RipoffReport.com is a website were pissed off customers can post their complaints against shitty companies and get action taken against them. Famous Poets is all over that site, in other names too such as FPS, the aforementioned Hollywood’s Famous Poets and Friendly Poets.

There a lot of people there who are rightfully pissed, but it also allows rebuttals from the companies, and comments from users. Well, there are some interesting ones from Famous Poets themselves and one “customer” who is clearly a mole. This is the latter made by the spy:

Tari DeMario D.D. P.H.D.
San Bernardino, California
U.S.A.

I am A Lifetime Member of Both Famous poets and Poetry.com

I am Disapointed
[sic] in all this nonesense [sic] i [sic] am a Lifetime member of both Famous Poets society i [sic] have attended their Conventions and i [sic] Have won countless Awards and Moneys [sic] from Famous Poets and Poetry.com (International society of Poets) i [sic] thank [sic] they are great I cant [sic] understand why you all would Bash Two wonderful Poetry Programs like that they have always Lived up even more to what they Pertain They supplied Food Coupons for my Dinners and my Companion also was taken care of they are very nice people i [sic]
had a wonderful good time at all the conventions you all are wrong they did everything to meet my needs and are not Scamming Please stop Bashing them
'A Dedicated Member of Famous Poets Society and I will always stand behind them'

Here’s the link to the scam report and the comments just in case you’re an asshole who doesn’t believe me: http://www.badbusinessbureau.com/reports/0/004/ripoff0004506.htm

I love how he puts all those phony PhDs in his information and doesn’t even have the brains to put the periods in the abbreviation of it correctly. It’s Ph.D. not P.H.D. you dumbass. And the fact that he can’t even fucking spell correctly or punctuate at all adds to his obvious retardation. And of course you’ll always “stand behind them”. You like to give it that way, you whore.

Even stranger is that he lives in the same place that Hollywood’s Famous Poets works out of. Hmm. (This is
not a different organization; they are all the same in different locations and under different names. This one in Hollywood obviously and just regular old Famous Poets is in Oregon. Just I case you dumbasses can’t follow along with what I’ve been saying).

In the same link, there is also commentary from an ex-employee that is quite interesting:

JjHillsboro, OregonU.S.A.

more about Mark Schramm, pervert, liar and thief

The owner Mark is bigot, a liar and a thief. I worked for him and he has threatened me and my family with harm. He plays the roll of a nice guy, he is anything but, if anything he is a Jekyll & Hyde, a nut job. I am told by both men and woman, he is a pervert. Wonder what that is all about? He will make like he will rectify complaints on this site, but he does nothing and makes up ridiculous excuses and places blame elsewhere.I will be back with more and will send documentation that Dateline and 60 minutes will want to do a story on this creep! Come back soon, as I will be posting here documents that will reveal more about Mark Schramm, liar and thief along with pictures of his home and other revealing pictures.

Ouch, and I thought that they were so nice and caring too (but JjHillsboro, you've got to work on that grammar). It's a crying shame that nothing has come out of that and that this user has not (to my knowledge at least) done any detailed follow up or has received any more information that can put Mr. Schramm where he belongs: in a jail cell with Big Bubba:

After arguing with these assholes online for a refund and to simply admit what they were, they finally sent me this:

Last email from us. You're too rude and nonsensical. After this they get automatically deleted.

So these aren't real winners from last year?
http://famouspoets.com/mn.asp?pg=2005

This is done for our part. You are ranting and with each email look more over the edge of reason.
Good-bye,

Famous Poets
Where happiness is being published!


So asking for customer service and emailing them proof of the scam and having them deny it is “over the edge of reason”? Who’s really over that edge here? Well, if you’re going to be like that:

Now let’s take a look at those “winners” from last year; or any year for that matter. Why do these “winners” parade around in ridiculous robes designed to look like royalty? What does dressing up like an asshole have to do with poetry, aside from the obvious? The only person that should be allowed to dress in a king’s robe and crown without being retarded is a real king like Maddox.

Why do these same past “winners” appear on their website with their faces blurred and pixels clearly seen, something that happens when you blow up a picture on an inferior computer and Photoshop it (badly, clearly with no experience, or use Microsoft Paint) onto a portrait of King Louis XIV:

OMG! LOL, I totally buy it!

Wow, such authenticity. I simply get the urge to bow down to these alleged greats of poetry. If you cannot see that these are blatant Photoshop images, you should see an optometrist immediately or get a brain transplant. I’d recommend both. True, some actually did don the idiotic garb like complete morons, but I can grantee you that some in the above pictures did not. Don’t believe me? Well look at the crowns on the two left pictures. Now the ones on the right. See it? The red in the crowns in the images on the right are a distinctly bright hue. The same kind you find in Microsoft Paint and similar programs. To demonstrate, I put a box colored red by Microsoft Word’s drawing tool with the image from the website, now compare with said crown.

Also the man third from the left has a very exaggerated shadow (on his left), clearly the result of an inexperienced user on a superior program like Photoshop. And is it just me, or do the crowns in those two pictures look like they’re not really there, and only a computer drawing? And also, are all these people suffering from some deforming disease (especially the second one from the left)? Their faces certainly look it. Or is that just more of the bad Photoshop work? Hmmm.

I then proceeded to call these dumbasses and got the same load of bull, in addition to them insulting me and refusing to apologize or they would simply hang up for no reason or because “a real poet is on the line”. Oh wait a minute? I thought you were a big, world renowned cooperation? Now if that were true, why wouldn’t you have multiple operators standing by? And why was it that each time I called (since they kept hanging up on me) it was the same dumbass with fewer brain cells than Dr. Phil?

I’m never entering another poetry contest and neither should you. In fact, who really gives a rat’s ass about poetry anyway? Poetry sells incredibly lower amounts than novels. At least if you write songs (
real songs, unlike the constant drivel of bullshit coming out now about how you miss your useless, whiny girlfriend because you cheated on her with some slut next-door, just shut the fuck up and masturbate) you can earn a living and get your lyrics heard on a larger scale. Far better than traditional, unmanly, poetry.

I emailed back Famouspoets.com (from another email address of course because we all know that they blocked me for bringing them the TRUTH) and received two letters back that completely redefine the meaning of the word ‘bullshit’.

The first letter said:

My high school daughter was thinking of entering a poem she wrote in your contest but I would like to first have some questions verified that the site neglects to answer. You go into so much detail on how long you've been in business, what anthology is being worked on and the like but the following questions, which I would like to have answers to very soon are absent.

Is this a scam of any kind?

How come I've never heard of Famous Poets before?

Where is "Talent" Oregon? Mapquest shows that it is a single building on a one way street in a farming community.

Why do the winners of large cash prizes never make any news under a human interest category?

Why aren't your books sold in stores such as Barnes & Nobel, Walden Books or Borders?

The images of winners on the top border look as if they have been altered, why?

Why haven't I ever heard of these winners before, especially if they won so much money?

Why haven't I ever heard of Lavender Aurora before either?

The only reason I wish to ask these questions is because I am very concerned that my daughter may lose the rights to her work, especially since she wants to be a writer after college. I also do not want to have my daughter cheated out of her money. If she happens to win something, shouldn't it be free? After all it was a prize. I have heard stories where people who enter these contests must pay for their own prizes.

Please respond shortly. Thank you.

Well, for one email address I had to send it
twice because they never responded. However when the finally did, this is what I got:

Your questions are not really possible for us to answer adequately. To the first, no we are not a scam. And I don't know why you haven't heard of us, same applies to others of your question - I don't know. If you wish to call for more precise answers call 541-535-2500. If she enters she will never lose her rights to her poem and she would never have to pay for a prize, only for books and whatnot should she want one.

Thanks,
Famous Poets
Where happiness is being published!


Isn’t it strange that they can’t explain why I’ve never heard of them or why their “city” is a single building? Usually a reliable, worthy business would send news articles that mention them or links to a reliable video source to “enlighten” me so that I can see that they are recognized in public. Not a single thing like that here. Hell, not even a faked one!

Onto the second email. I sent them the same message as I wrote above, only changing daughter to son, made more focus on their conventions and sent it from another email address. This is what they replied with:

Don't understand your gripe. For one we held the convention and did award the prize money to the winning poets in attendance as selected by their fellow poets and the judges. Everyone who attended that we heard from enjoyed themselves immensely and said they would recommend it to others, or so their Evaluation sheets said. The event costs money to make happen and thus it must cost money for those who choose to attend. Can you think of any similar convention of the special interest variety that is free? There aren't any. We did everything we advertised in the brochure so there was nothing to be stupid about in believing, it all came true as planned and advertised. It's too bad you assumed the worse, I'm sure you did because the price tag was prohibitive. However, had you contacted us we could have arranged something. We let poets attend for as little as $150 just so they could take part. In fact some attended for free because we accepted their word that they would pay us afterwards and they never did. Guess you can't always trust a poet. But all that aside it was a great event and we're proud of it as we always have been of our conventions.

But thanks for sharing your thoughts. They are in the dark but now not as much perhaps.

Thanks,
Famous Poets
Where happiness is being published!

We let poets attend for as little as $150 just so they could take part.” Oh my fucking goodness! That simply can’t be! When I got a letter that said I was to be in Philadelphia (not Reno) it said it cost $300, not including the cost of travel because I would have to find my own way there in addition to paying for board, since the hotel it was held at had no information about booking in advance for this event. You’d think that if I was a winner, it would be paid for and I would be catered to.

Can you think of any similar convention of the special interest variety that is free? There aren’t any.” Yes, they are called prepaid. Business conventions are similar and are also prepaid, meaning that the company pays for it. They are not free, that is true, but they are technically free to the person attending. That is not the case with this.

Also, many people who win vacations (which may or may not be scams, I’ll be doing some research and revealing the truth on those later) are prepaid. The winner doesn’t pay a cent (excluding the entry fee or similar entrance payment) outside of the coverage area given to him/her by the contest/business/association.

They also claim they did everything that was included in the brochure. Well, I had to do some digging into my desk when I first got this shit and the brochure says that several famous authors would be there and that the winners would read their poem in front of them and on
national television. When was this aired? It had to be in the early morning right before I wake up to rain Hell upon the world and beat shit eating con artists to death with my undoubtedly huge wang. I’ve never heard or seen of any broadcasts made from theses conventions. More than likely they air them locally, but that would mean they lied about it being national. But then again, should we expect anything less from these cuntwats?

In fact some attended for free because we accepted their word that they would pay us afterwards and they never did. Guess you can't always trust a poet.” Jesus Christ Almighty! That is the biggest fucking lie ever! You can’t even attend their conventions unless you shell out in a fashion similar to a down payment, so this is absolute ass stew. Oh wait, it gets better. Look at that last part again. “Guess you can’t always trust a poet.

And this organization is supposedly made up of poets. Well, well, well. I guess they admitted they were a con after all! I mean, they just said you can’t always trust a poet; they’re poets so therefore you can’t always trust them.

Besides, what is this saying to all the other writers out there, and editors, publishers, agents, English teachers and the like? That I can’t always trust them. Okay kids, you heard the Famous Poet, don’t listen to what your English teachers tell you or even bother to read anymore, because it’s not always trustworthy. Go back to rotting in front of the TV while you play cheap knock offs of Mega Man and Grand Theft Auto because you’re parents are too cheap to get the real thing. It’s okay, our teachers and politicians have already lost faith in your future anyway so you may as well prove them right.

Going back to the first part of the quote, another easy to see lie if that if some attended free and never paid, why hasn’t there been any news about the legal process to obtaining this money? After all, that is technically stealing and fraud. And the IRS just loves that. Due to the lack of any legal actions there, only two reasons as to why exist:

a. A con artist cooperation such as Famous Poets Society isn’t interested in taking all the money they can from you,


Or:

b. It never happened.

I’ll place my bets on the latter.

I emailed these dicks one last time with comments from this article to prove it to them; well they didn’t get back for the longest time until they sent this:

We have nothing to say to you further. We answered, you replied with nothing worth answering back to. Since you don't have any plans of engaging us for a convention or anything else why waste your time and ours with pointless questions and insults?
Thanks,

Famous Poets
Where happiness is being published!
http://www.famouspoets.com/

This is my original message that the above reply is to:

Look, this isn't really hard to do. All you have to do is hit reply and you can send an email back:

So, since I finally received your poorly composed reply I have a few things to say about it. Did you even graduate from high school because that reply was so poorly done it seems that you did not. Also, what are "Lavender Aurora's" credentials? Where did she go to school, what was her degree in, what type of degree is it? As a consumer and under the Freedom of Information Act I am entitled to know this, especially if I'm going to be spending my hard earned money on it. And some points:

Can you think of any similar convention of the special interest variety that is free? There aren't any.” Yes, they are called prepaid. Business conventions are similar and are also prepaid, meaning that the company pays for it. They are not free, that is true, but they are technically free to the person attending. That is not the case with this.

You said the winners read their poems on national television. Why haven't I ever seen anything of the sort on? Is it only local broadcast (which would mean false advertising) or do you broadcast on private signal I'd have to pay another fee for?

Just wondering.

I gotta love how they still keep “Thanks” and “Where happiness is being published!” despite the nature of their reply. Douche bags. Well, this about wraps up the installment investigating the disgusting, treacherous, filthy, cock-sucking, ass spelunking scheme that is Famous Poets.