Krowness Has Moved!

Well, it's finally time to make an announcement. I will no longer be posting here. Blogger is no longer performing the job I need it to for my rants and reviews. I haven't gone on a good photo adventure in ages only because the uploader sucks so much rotting asshole.


My rants have lost their old touch. I find I've gotten too political due to the lack of doing what I want. I want to post reviews of bad movies, but it's too hard to upload the still images and youtube videos get squashed. I want to have more organization, but this can only organize by date, not subject. The list goes on.


So, I'm announcing a BRAND FUCKING NEW KROWNESS SITE!


Prepare to cum buckets!

Here Comes 2012!

Last year, I never posted a "Here Comes 2011" article because I wasn't in the mood to post it. Unlike others, this one was very depressing. I said that there would be a nuclear disaster, uprisings around the globe and Osama bin Laden would die. No kidding, that was the actual article and I simply did not find it humorous enough so I ditched it. In hindsight, however, it probably would have been wise to have posted it and gone on to boast psychic powers.


However, it is clear that 2012 will not be like any other year. The Mayans said so, and you know, they're Mayan, so it must be true! So, I'm gonna tell you what we can expect in 2012. The future is here, but are YOU read? Let's see!


In 2012...


The world will end on December 21.


UFOs will land all over the globe and evacuate humans they deem useful.


Tidal waves will wipe out all coastal cities.


The Rapture will, once again, finally occur after the two false starts in 2011.


Xenu will declare war on Earth.


The world will end on December 21.


The Tea Party will gain supreme power and change the flag to either a swastika or a Confederate battle flag.


Zombies will go out of style.


There will be a mass suicide of geeks as World of Warcraft becomes inaccessible for over two weeks in July.


Our Tea Party overlords will demand we all tattoo our gentiles with a detailed image of bald eagles crapping on brown people.


I will find a penny.


The world will end on December 21.


The Earth will explode. On December 21.

Santa Isn't Real? Burn The Heretic!

One of the greatest joys of being a child is the Christmas season. There's great anticipation, fun and joy all around as each day slowly inches by to the great day of days. It's absolutely sickening!

Kids are all over the malls crying and whining about what they want and when they want it (now) and generally have no sense of gratitude or selflessness. Not that I'm advocating making Jesus the reason for the season. Not at all. Jesus has nothing to do with Christmas, as I've said before, and the holiday is all about the winter solstice. But again, I'm not going to spend an article parroting back facts about a wonderful holiday butchered by Christians and then further ruined by commercialism.

Parents are doing everything they can to give their children a wonderful holiday despite the risk of job loss and low wages. Yet kids will always want that one incredible, awesome and ultra expensive toy that is just downright impossible for parents on a budget to afford. So, where do they turn? Santa of course! But there's only one catch: he's not real.

Kids need to know this for one reason: so they can understand the sacrifices their parents and loved ones make to give them some form of happiness. If they knew Santa was a myth, maybe they wouldn't be so greedy. Maybe they'd appreciate the things they have and realize that love and friendship mean more than a piece of plastic pained with lead from China. Hell, you can even watch The Grinch and get this whole moral!

So, when a news anchor told the audience that Santa was fake, what do you think happened? Why, parents became outraged of course! Rather than be relieved knowing that they could speak to their kids honestly and let them know that with hard times comes a tighter wallet, thereby benefiting the family, they went apeshit and demanded an apology.

Now here's the thing I never got, even when I was a kid and found out the truth about St. Nick: you're still getting presents, so what the hell is the big deal? Just because a magic fatass isn't the one leaving them for you shouldn't change a thing! For me, it wasn't even a big deal! When I was in grade school, I was tormented constantly by some of the worst bullies you can imagine. They all got a ton of great toys and games for Christmas. That right there made me doubt the whole thing because no one deserved a lump of coal more than Nathan McTitballs, yet he'd repeatedly receive a new autographed baseball bat, Transformer toy or SNES system. Gods, I hate you McTitballs.

And always remember, Santa hates the poor more than Newt Gingrich. He's the original Neo-Conservative, what with his outsourcing, lack of workplace safety regulations, disregard for unions and of course all the free child/elfin labor. God Bless Santa.

Announcing Krowness Radio!

I have thrown ideas out there in announcements before that never came to fruition due to lack of time, lack of participants and other issues. Web comics and additional writers for more specialized areas (such as detailed game and movie reviews) are just some of the great ideas that miscarried. However, this is not one of them!

Starting in early 2012, by February at the latest, I will begin hosting a Krowness Podcast. Now, like blogs, I absolutely hate the word "podcast" as it has Apple's shit all over it, and the majority out there are a bunch of whiny high school kids who bitch about not making the football team or how awesome their new Pokemon is. Please.

This is going to be a REAL show. No whining, no tears, no bullshit (unless of course I make some hate mail authors cry a little). I am in the process of preparing material, finding sponsors and potentially allowing the sale of the recordings through audio sites.

I have all the audio and video equipment needed (except a more powerful, higher quality camcorder, but I will have that soon enough), so at this time, I am simply getting ready to put this into action. Updates on this will be frequent as we get ready to launch!

Herman Cain: Portrait of a Douchebag

Oh, the things I could say about this self-absorbed, hate filled, sack of shit. But I don't really need to. He's done all the talking for me! It seems that the only thing the GOP candidates are capable of doing lately is enjoying the taste of their own foot. There is not one redeeming feature in any of them. I would rather vote for a stump than any one of these living cartoons.


When it comes to Cain, I can honestly say he frightens me more than Bachman. And no, it's not because he's a black conservative as the frigid cunt Ann Coulter would say. It is simply because he is a real world Ebenezer Scrooge with the inner evil of Walt Disney. Oh, and he's a sexually offensive misogynist.


Now, anyone who's read my articles knows I have a strong stand against people like this. Cain is no exception and deserves all the shame that comes with such actions. It's the very least such a scumbag can do.

This is the second time I've used this train wreck picture.

No Halloween This Year!

Yup, that's right. There will be no Halloween celebrations in my town this year. Due to the rain we had, the lame downtown safe Halloween was postponed, but that won't do any good. Even if Monday was still the usual holiday, we're getting a mother fucking blizzard tomorrow. Yes, one foot of snow is expected, completely stopping any and all Halloween parties, trick-or-treating and what not for the entire holiday. Even if you could go out for candy, who is going to trudge through a foot of snow in a costume to do so? Especially when they don't plow the side streets or sidewalks here.


And just for fun, it'll be in the 60s all next week so it'll be like nothing happened. After Halloween that is.


Well, not much we can do now. It's too early for Christmas massacre movies like Santa's Slay and who feels like a horror fest when it looks like December outside. I hate New England. This place can suck my cock.

Vintage Halloween!

Forty years ago, things were a lot simpler. You could go out trick-or-treating when you wanted to and go home when you got tired or had pillaged every last piece of candy the town had to offer, you could wear a bloody costume to school and not get suspended for making threats, and the most you had to fear was a cache of razors hidden in your sweets. Even in the 80s and 90s when I was a kid, it was so much more fun. We'd start an hour before sunset and wouldn't stop until our pillow cases were overflowing!


Today, my town doesn't even allow trick-or-treating except for a small two hour slot that barely gives you enough time to finish off a single neighborhood. If you get caught past this time, you are arrested. Yes, I said arrested. My hometown arrests children on Halloween if they are not back indoors by 9:00. This year, I heard they won't allow it at all, and as a result, they have made a cheesy event downtown where kids can go. Except that the day it's to be held it's going to rain big time.


Coming from a New England town with no ultra-dipshit religitards running the show, this is just a sad abomination. What's next? Christmas presents are limited to one per child and they can only be opened at times dictated by the town manager? Bullshit I say! Let kids be kids for a goddamn change! They have enough to worry about: school shootings, cyberbullies, the creepy old nun who teaches them geometry and can't remember their name, and many other horrors.


Even costumes today are getting shittier and shittier. But I can see why. We used to put so much effort into our costumes so they could endure hours of trick-or-treating and still scare the crap out of the smaller kids and elderly alike. Today, with little to no trick-or-treating at all, a flimsy plastic costume that won't fall apart in the rain is more than enough. Most kids don't attend parties, and if they do, they usually end up getting tired of wearing the costume and ditch it so they can dance to Justin Beiber more easily. Sigh.


That is why this vintage 70s commercial for Magic Manor in Rockford, Illinois touched me. It recalls a time when Halloween was more exciting than four birthdays and two Christmases put together. A time when costumes could be realistic and frightening and not get you taken to prison for "terrorizing citizens and being a disruptive person".